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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: It was a two month relationship. I found him sexting other women and I lost it,cried the whole night etc,didn't let him sleep but the lies he told the other woman was devastating. I have learnt my lesson to leave if anything like this happens instead of fighting about it. It was my first relationship in life in every sense of the word.I did some pretty stupid stuff like going through his phone though in the end all my doubts were justified aboyt his 24 hour preoccupation with his phone.My question is,is sexting OK when in a relationship Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2015): I don't care what advice you'll be given by others; but this is mine.
No, it's not okay to sext under any circumstances; unless that guy is your husband. Boyfriends and casual lovers are too risky.
If you breakup, very sexually-explicit language and photos have been exchanged; and you don't know where they'll end up. If he loses his phone, someone could find some very personal and revealing pictures and written things you wouldn't want any eyes to see but your man. It doesn't effect men as it does women; because of the double-standard we are placed under in societal-opinion. When he goes, he takes it all with him. There is no proof he has deleted the calls, photos, or messages; or hasn't shared them. He has every right to keep the material. The burden of proof is on you if you think he has publicly shared them.
However; once you've given sexually-explicit photos or cam recordings to him, whether recorded or just written. It's his property. Some guys do some very spiteful things after a breakup. What might that be? I'll leave that to your imagination. The laws about this differs place to place, and aren't very easily enforced. You can't take back what has been placed on public display, regardless.
You never know how they're shared, or even if he's alone for that matter. It's popular to do it, but people never really consider the consequences; or what could happen if you breakup with this person. If you want sex, do it in-person where you know it remains between the two of you.
If a long-distance relationship keeps you apart, wait until you can be together. You deserve intimacy, and sexting is nothing more than homemade porn, any way you look at it.
Do you want someone playing-back dirty-talk you meant to stay between the two of you to his buddies, in the locker-room, or guys at work? How do you know what happens to it once it's done? You could do the same, but it will not have the same impact on a guy; as it would on you as a female. I do recall an incident where a female-friend showed her best friend how well-endowed her man is. He's her friend's man now.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (12 October 2015):
 Not unless you both agreed it was okay.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 October 2015):
 I don't think you had a relationship. Don't count this as your first. What he did was not a reflection of you. Although I would feel sad for him. I would not deprive my husband of friends but when it comes to sex it's only us and no one else. Your ex has an addiction to his phone and sexual attention from women. He would never be satisfied with one woman. Let him hook up with another woman who also has her phone on her hand all day. You know, ironically this secretive habit only works when he's with a woman who prohibits it. It's the taboo that makes it sweeter. You can't escape into a world of fantasy without being with someone who want's to live in the real world. Just do a mental rewind of 2 months ago that you would have never dated him if you knew that's the real him. You would find that even if you are inexperienced with dating, it would be common sense that helps you. I am from a sheltered family so I was shocked at how many dysfunctional people there are out there. It doesn't mean I have to lower my standards. I keep my boundaries and only let worthy people in my life.
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A
male
reader, KnightnDay +, writes (12 October 2015):
I have done this twice in my life. I apologize to you all (for what it is worth). The first time was for ten years. When chat lines were just born and the intrique of being able to talk tonpeople all over the world in an instant. I am a talker and a thinker. I wanted to be a writer so this new technology captured my attention. Growing up i had over 40 friends plus active in high level sports. Always a lot of communication. My wife self admittedly trusts no one including my friends. As my world shrunk to just her and i and our kids /jobs bills etc. The internet opened the door to being able to communicate again. But also it opened the door with a veil so we could share ideas thoughts feelings and garner insight and unserstanding not only into others but ourselves. Sometimes delving into questions that only left confusion or a keen focus on wanting to find out more. Hooked? But on what. ? I should say that for most of the ten years i spoke with ansingle woman about our families our similarities our likes and dislikes. I saw it as modern day pen pals. We lived 4hours away. We spoke of our relationships and how life goes etc. We never spoke of sex but we did speak of connection with others. This lady was an aspiring author and that alone was appealing let alone learning her story and her despair. Despair in her search for love not financially as she is educated and well employed. I would say that we saved each other but many would argue that it was wrong. I was after all speaking with a woman. I was discussing my displeasures in my relationship at times. Not often but at times ! I knew she was searching for a man but we never discussed how we could fit and i honestly stated how i wanted her to find a loving caring man. My talking with her did a few things. I was able to grow and feel connected to someone that is a communicator while living with a woman who swears often , has no issues farting anywhere including the dinner table because "its a natural human function" and a woman who used sex as a reward for chires completed etc. (I played high level sports and yes correct DO NOT SWEAR and really have control over body functions especially in company! My pen pal kept me in my marriage by giving me an outlet much like a therapist. I kept my pen pal sane in her times or torment at the lack of qulaity guys she was meeting. One night she scared me by telling me that she loved me! Wow.. holy geez um well ah what can this life look like ?? I was shaking and really not sure what could be was this a shift in life course. It certainly was a crossroads and a place of self examination . Is this growth, is this failure ,is this joy or pain, is failire also growth? It had been 8 years at that point and i had never met her and only seen maybe four pictures. She was very pretty. But that had less to do with who she was. Oh and i asked her at the time if she was sure of what she had said and she reiterated most definitely. Wow. God ... how nice and how mind blowing. I met her a few months later and we talked smiled and had a drink. She drove 3 hours to see me . She cried when i told her she would find a great man . I told her to find a younger man to which she said she never would. She was 42 then. She cried some more and i tried to comfort her. She was sore inside im sure because i know i was. I knew were friends and would be forever as she had stated. Four months later she met a younger man from Australia and i was both hurt and happy for her. She had found what she needed. I was back to day one without a friend. She stopped talking to me and so i wrote more and more desperately. I did actually drive to her one day without her knowing and left a card of congratulations on her step. It was genuine. I got a phone call from her stating that nurses had been accosted and what was i doing in her town !!?? Wow! I was stunned! Then he called and threatened me and to call my wife!?I was honestly offering congrats and hoping in my heart that we could still be the life long friends she said we would be. I stood by her tears for 8 years . She helped me stay married just by talking, although my wife would never see it that way. My wife did find out about the woman when i sent an email fromnwork to the woman but sent it home. The flood gates opened and the phone calls started even with comments that inwas delusional and lonely and that i had said i loved her! I did not. wow again. I sat confused for two more years after also going to marriage counselling and my wife not happy with the process or the resolution to the counselling. I needed a woman to talk to i admit that. My wife is not my soulmate and i do not have really romantic feelings for her and that hurts incredibly inside. I look at older couples tha hold hands and wish we could do that. My wife focusses on chores as symboly of love . Me i love the idea of showing affection and sharing. All of my gifts have been returned or chastised as unnecessary and we cant afford it. Which we certainly can. To sit and hold my girl and feel her. Wow.. i write poetry actually and she wont read it. Im left empty . Anyway the woman 3 hours away kept me from leaving many times due to loneliness. I will write more later
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (12 October 2015):
 no way, plain and simple.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (12 October 2015):
 In my book, no never. While some see it as "harmless fum" to have these sexual fantasies with other people than their partner, 10 out of 10 would not want THEIR partner to do it to them.. So why would it be OK for that person to do it?
And like Auntie YouWish I think taking and sending "dirty pics" are rarely a good idea. Like the Internet, on a phone - ANYTHING you put "out there" is "out there" forever, specially... if you send it to someone.
I think sexing it right up there with emotional cheating. The person (in a relationship) who does this is sharing parts of him/herself with someone who isn't his/her partner and I DO think it's easier for people to get caught up in the fantasy and take it further than "JUST" sexual words/pics and jump into bed to satisfy this fantasy.
Yes, going through a partner's phone is intrusive and disrespectful - and I rarely think the ends justify the means. I think you KNEW he was up to something. You could have ended it and walked away without having to go through his phone - I GET that you wanted to know WHAT he was up to and I get the going through his phone.
You learned a lesson. A guy who is on his phone 24/7.. is rarely up to any good.
And yes, your ex was a lying cheating twat-waffle who deserves no more of your time.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 October 2015):
 No. Sexting is cheating. Anything you can't be open about with your partner is not acceptable.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 October 2015):
 I think you chose a cheating lying asshat as your first relationship. It's NEVER okay to sext others while you're in a relationship, and I don't suggest sexting anyway, as words and pictures never go away.
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