A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all————I’m in a new ish relationship. We met actually almost 6 weeks now and at first I felt like he came on really strong and wanted to see me a lot and made every excuse to find time to be around me..(his work can be difficult at times he is on and off weeks that’s kind of a long story) I wasn’t even sure I was that into him at first but he kind of grew on me! I thought well this man may be a bit more of a nerd so that’s probably a safe guy that wouldn’t hurt me!And as the weeks go on he still acts very gentlemanlike to me drives me places pays for things etc. and we’ve Been intimate now a couple times. We haven’t “established” anything tho I did recently find out that he smokes marijuana quite frequently and that was a big turn off I did speak to him about this and that I wasn’t too excited and didn’t like that he smoked but would be open-minded to continuing. I don’t know if that in someways is affected our relationship from his side anyway I feel great when we are together but in between he seems uninterested... we don’t make plans etc. he never texts to say hi or he misses me or he’s thinking of me. If I text him tho he responds 1 minute later. Maybe he’s pulling a poker face I don’t know. The long and short of it is that I feel mixed about it now and I’m not sure if I’m expecting too much or that these are signs he’s lost interest. When I saw him last night I ivivited him up and he said no, he was too tired. So he turned down sex too. I try to be open minded that I could be making mistakes or judgments. But I could use your help guys!We are both 40 both want family and kids an shave spoken of These things too
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2019): People devoted to their marijuana use don't want to be preached to about their habit. A 40 year-old hipster isn't looking for no kids, or a house with a picket fence!
You're seriously running this through your mind! With the intent to put-up with his smoking; because you want a boyfriend. Don't settle, sweetheart! Caveat emptor!
So...the options are as follows:
(1) Sacrifice your own values, and try to like the stench of weed; or maybe becoming a pot-smoker yourself. Only, he still might not be looking for anything serious anyway. Guys who like to get high have a lot of lofty plans; but they don't usually get around to executing them.
If he happens to be successful, and financially-secure; you aren't going to change a thing about his lifestyle. It's going to stay just like it is!!! Take-it or leave-it! He's too old to change, and single because he wants to be.
(2) Plot a way to get yourself into a commitment with the intent to change him. The old bait and switch!
Is that the plan? Good luck! He's 40, and he knows all the tricks. He's not going to be whipped, and he's not parting with his weed.
Weed-smokers have a culture. They are dedicated to the use, and they don't like people who get self-righteous; and try to change them or interfere. Their friends usually smoke, and they like to smoke frequently. He will want to be free to smoke in his own place. Your clothing will smell of weed, and your hair will smell of weed. It's always in the air! You'll also have to quietly standby; as he and his friends partake of their recreational-use of their choice of drug.
He turned down sex? That's easy. The novelty has worn-off! He knows what it looks and feels like. At this point, it doesn't matter what you do; as far as he's concerned.
He doesn't want a wife, or kids. He told you that, maybe because he wanted sex. Telling you what you wanted to hear sped-up the process of getting you to the bedroom.
My advice? Chuck this guy to the curb! Move on!
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 March 2019):
 Honestly?
I think he has realized that WHILE you two have SOME common goals (family and kids) you also want to change him or want him to change.
Not being a fan of a weed-smoking partner IS totally OK, however, THIS is who he is and what he does. I SERIOUSLY doubt he would quit for you.
As much as HIM smoking week is a TURN of for you, YOU telling him you were "excited" about his smoking weed is a turn off for him.
The whole "I will keep an open mind" about the weed thing, is NOT a good idea. Either you want a partner who doesn't do drugs (that includes weed) OR you are OK with it. Saying you are OK, but not being OK is the same as lying, IMHO. Because you said that because you hope he will quit, that you will get over your aversion OR it somehow won't be a problem... UNFORTUNATELY, THAT is not realistic.
I think he LIKED the idea of the two of you when he didn't REALLY know you and while it was still a bit of a fantasy, but now he isn't so keen any more.
Personally? I'd pull back a bit, see if he picks up the slack and start being the one reaching out to you and suggesting seeing you. If not... Then it's pretty much dead in the water and you MIGHT as well move on.
And second personal thought... IF you are TURNED off by a week-user... HE really isn't for you. If he is in his 40's and STILL doing pot/weed he isn't GOING to quit.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2019): 6 weeks is such a short time.... and perhaps you became intimate too soon. Hard to say.
I don’t think you should rely on whether he texts or not to determine anything. Some people don’t text. I don’t, and I definitely don’t when I’m at work (too busy!) unless you know he texts everyone else all the time (or other women) then let this issue go for now.
I think you have to back off for a bit and let him have time to sort things out and develop whatever he needs to develop in terms of feelings. If it’s worth it to you. See if he comes around. If not then then you need to decide what you’re ok with.
Personally it’s never good to move too fast (for sooo many reasons I won’t get into here because it’s done), and personally I wouldn’t stick around for someone who is not so enthusiastic to be with me. .
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