A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:A wee bit of background. I am 46 and self-employed and get to travel the world quite often because of my job. Several years ago on a business trip, I met a great guy a couple of years older than me out in Belgium, divorced and we hit it off big time. He is German. Things generally went quite well, with me visiting whenever I could, of course we had our problems, what couple doesn't, especially in an LDR, but one thing which REALLY bugged me was his constant ogling. Now I know the difference between a look.. and maybe another look, a head turn. But he really was something else. He took it extremes. I brought it up with him and he would be dismissive and tell me I was being over-sensitive/jealous/possessive/imagining things.Can I say I have never had this issue with any other guy before.I ended the relationship after we had a massive row about another situation in which I felt extremely disrespected and he also lied to me about something which was very important to me. It felt as if a number of issues had built up, including the constant ogling and I had had enough.Two years have gone by since it ended. I had a brief relationship back home, which didn't work and I just got one with life. Then I had a business trip to his town a couple of months back. I could not believe it when I literally ran into him at a cafe one morning. He was delighted to see me and I was taken by surprise. He asked if I would like to meet up with him, we met up, he cooked me dinner and it all started up again. Passion, laughter and fun. It felt great and he asked me if I would like to seriously give it another go. I agreed.A few days into my trip, so we had literally laid eyes on each other for the first time something like two or three days beforehand, we were out together and ran into a mutual friend home, he was delighted to see me, a nice guy, and all three of us we got chatting about various things as we walked in the same direction as he was going. A woman appeared off to the side of us as were about to cross a busy road. Friend didn't even see her, too busy nattering away. "Boyfriend" notices, looks again, then as she goes past us, turns and stares at her walking off. We cross the road and he turns to see if he can see her again. I ask do you know that person? He just looks at me confused. we bid goodbye to our friend and then walk off, in the same direction as said woman, who by now is somewhere ahead of us and about to emerge from the underpass. "Boyfriend" is craning his neck to look past me and over to the other side, looking for her.I brought it up and asked does he know her. He accused me of over-reacting and that he didn't even notice a woman going past.This is what he used to do ALL the time we were together. I could be telling him I was about to commit hari-kari and he wouldn't even notice.I guess my point is, he is telling me he wants only me and bla, bla, bla.. saying all the right things. But his actions are telling me otherwise.Ok he's a man. But he seems to have no manners about it all. I tried to imagine doing the same thing to him if he came to Dublin and put myself in his shoes and all I can think of is, he's still shopping around.He can't understand what my problem is and just keeps telling me I am insecure. Help!
View related questions:
divorce, insecure Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2015): Everyone has been helpful with their views. Someone said I must have been lonely. I certainly didn't consciously feel that, I think I was pootling along quite happily, working, going to the gym, usual stuff and getting along with life. I took the view that if I met someone it would be nice, but it certainly wasn't something which I was consciously looking for or felt that I needed. Life and the craic is good with or without a partner.Timing then really, divine intervention to show me he hasn't changed and that he doesn't REALLY want ME, he wants someone acquiescent who won't rock the relationship boat. When I did that, he was uncomfortable. I think in some respects yes giving him yet another chance was a mistake, but at least it has opened my eyes.I feel supported here because I really did start to wonder am I the one with the problem. You read so much about men telling their partners to lighten up, not get jealous and all the rest of what seem to be to be dismissive comments and not taking the other person's perspective into account at all.As I said, there were other problems and the ogling really just topped them all off. Now he is working I have seen how ungenerous he is with his own money, offering to pay for a holiday for us both and then retracting his offer, saying we would both pay for it, despite me paying for our breaks in the past when he had nothing in his bank account. He is also happy to live in a horrid "studio" flat in a horrible part of town just so he can save his money and will go on and on about how unhappy he is there, but does nothing about it when I provide him with suggestions of other flats. They are always too expensive or too big, even though he is paying way below the going rate and most people in his city pay 3 times what he does, but at least for a nice place. That started to become very frustrating, as visiting him in a small room is VERY difficult, but then by being around him, I also found out he is gambling every single day and blowing money on accumulators. Which explains his reluctance to be generous towards me or to make an effort to change how he is living. He appears to be spending around 10-20.. maybe more.... euros every day. From browsing this site, it seems lots of people have this issue. When I challenged him about this he lied to my face and said he had won money with friends and they gambled it away together. He told me they had put all their "joint" winnings back onto bets to the tune of 400 pounds. I could have been sick. He could have helped me with my travel.. or paid for our supposed break. Or various other normal adult things! A deposit on a nice place! He will merrily go and spend on himself and nice shoes and aftershave, but not a single gift for me.Yesterday was a massive showdown with him. I had a dreadful weekend with a serious family emergency. I had to zip out super fast in the evening. He had wanted to call me and had tried to but I had already left the house. He knew about the emergency and appeared to want to advise but then I never heard a peep out of him after 6 pm. No mobile call, no email. There have already been several last straws but feeling unsupported, unvalued in monetary/ogling respects and the crisis yesterday pushed me over the edge and I lost it. I consumed way too much alcohol and left him several incredibly insulting emails telling him exactly what I think of him. Although they may be the truth, I used a lot of foul language and feel sad and ashamed of myself. His response was that he was sleeping but the ogling and lies have stripped the trust away.Thanks for listening. I needed to vent as I can't speak about this with anyone else as I feel ashamed somehow.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2015): Hi
My ex abusive boyfriend did exactly that all the time. We used to go dancing together most nights and he would pick a woman to target to look at and outright stare at, sometimes looking up and down her body inch by inch. If I asked him about it, he would say he didn't know what I was talking about/ I was imagining things/I was too jealous etc etc. If I was quiet because I was upset he would get angry and ask 'what's wrong with you now!' This was all done to reduce my confidence. It worked. I started to wear clothes that I wouldn't normally have done in the hope that he would look at me instead of other women. If I had been naked in public he still would have looked at others because THIS IS A PLOY!! Your friend is not really interested in the other women....he's interested in making you feel like shit. It's called emotional abuse and along with the other problems that you have mentioned slightly, the lying and being disrespected, this is all indicative of a truly abusive man. This ogling is incredibly disrespectful and he's watching you get crazy with extreme satisfaction. Abusive men are fantastic in other ways such as great company and charisma and making you feel wonderful, which is what gets you hooked in the first instance and then they show their true colours.
Just an aside, I have now met a lovely man who is good looking, intelligent, funny and great company and I mentioned a problem I had with his behaviour in a certain situation. He was surprised as he didn't think it would be a problem for me, but as soon as he knew my feelings he stopped the behaviour without question or comment.
Please read books on abuse, particularly emotional and you will see his behaviour right there in between the pages. Don't give him any more satisfaction please ...and dump him!! Good luck x
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (19 November 2015):
 I think it was mistake to take him back. I get that you were lonely and hadn't met anyone else, but him? really? Why settle for this one?
Something like ogling is not something people (men) stop doing. He feel ENTITLED to stare/ogle a woman like she is a piece of meat walking around for HIS pleasure. Nor does he CARE that you don't like it. HE CAN understand why you take an issue with it, he just doesn't want to validate it, because? It makes HIM look bad.. so what does he do? HE lies and make it about you. You must be insecure, or dreaming it up. Because IF he admits that he is doing it, and that it is wrong... then HE would have to DO something about it, like STOP.. and that is not going to happen.
Does it mean he is looking for another partner? No, not really. What it does mean is that he view women as objects. He doesn't CARE if the woman he is ogling doesn't WANT to be ogled or that his partner finds it disrespectful. And I think you HAVE to accept that you can't CHANGE him or his attitude.
So IF it is a deal-breaker it is pointless trying to "fix" him. He doesn't THINK he needs to change - he thinks you... need to change (basically suck it up and "let" him.
THIS IS WHO he is. So you have to decide if you want to be with a man like that OR not.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2015): I'll keep it brief. Firstly he continually does something that is utterly disrespectful to you (any woman). Secondly, when you tell him what you are specifically upset about he dismisses and disregards your feelings entirely (so he can carry on behaving like it). Why would you ever want to waste time on a man that treats you like this? Your self worth must be so low. Get a grip and move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 November 2015):
 Why would you start up with him again? You have a deal-breaker requirement of no ogling and he's apparently unable to stop. Nothing has changed. Add the comment "of course we had our problems, what couple doesn't, especially in an LDR"... well what were the other problems? I was in an LDR for 2 years and we didn't have problems. We communicated well, we trusted each other, it was fine. So what were the other problems?
"I have never had this issue with any other guy before." Or since, presumably? So this isn't something you are comfortable with.
And also add on this "we had a massive row about another situation in which I felt extremely disrespected and he also lied to me about something which was very important to me" and it's pretty clear that you don't trust him, can't trust him and this won't be something you can fix. He doesn't think he has a problem you should worry about. You do.
This relationship is over before it even begins. Sorry! Be happy you had a nice enough reunion (other than the ogling thing and another row) and then, move on. As you've pointed out, all the other men you've dated have managed to control their ogling.
...............................
A
female
reader, boo22  +, writes (18 November 2015):
 HiDo you really need the aunt's to tell you this guy is a caveman? You seemed to have glossed over his other failings in your post, which I bet if you were to tell us some examples they would be equally as dubious.He probably has some great qualities but its just not enough is it? Don't let guys like him pull the wool over your eyes. You can't make relationships with guys like him work, he hasn't got the capacity.You are not overreacting or insecure!! You are however selling yourself short and wasting your time.Meeting him for the second time almost seems like a test from the gods to me.Break the pattern!! X
...............................
|
