A
male
age
41-50,
*unluv187
writes:Ive been married to my wife 15 years. When I first met her, i remember her telling me of a former sex partner who was big in penis size. When i brought that fact up recently, she denies anything was ever big. She says she dont remember even saying that, cant remember anyones penis size but 1 guy who was real small and from what she remembers, nobody was ever big. She also claims sex was always bad before she met me. I really think she says things to try and ease my mind. She says she can't remember things like that from 15 years ago but she remembers the guy who was small from 20 years ago. Anyone have any opinions? Should i honestly believe her or is she obviously lying? I know its stupid but i dont understand why she should lie about such things.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2015): Words can hurt. I understand that and what you're saying. But, you don't need professional help about your wife's long ago confession. You just have to accept that this is one of those things in life that you can't change and decide that you're going to leave it in the past and let it go. As you do, the pain you're feeling now will fade too.I've been married 34 years. A year after my husband and I got married, he told me that his previous girlfriend was much more beautiful than me. He added that she had red hair as if that was superior (Ironically and unbeknownst to my husband, I too was a red head, but dyed my hair black to cover it as classmates had made fun of my red hair when I was a young teen). Needless to say, his words were very painful to me. I thought that, as his bride, I should be the most beautiful woman to him. It made me wonder if he regretted marrying me. Looking back, I still wonder why he would have said such a cruel thing, but I understand now that despite what qualities she might have had, he chose me to spend his life with.To my regret, to hurt him back, I told him that I'd been with numerous other men before I met him when I had not. It worked. He was crushed.Anyway, I was young, only 18, but I realized that, for the sake of my marriage, I had to bury this painful thing he'd said and move on. Every once in a while through the years, it crossed my mind, but the pain continued to fade until it no longer hurt me. This is what you must do too for yourself, your wife, and your marriage. You must put the past behind you and quit dwelling on what your wife said back then. You're the one she chose to spend her life with. Your marriage is so much more important than something that happened years ago.It makes me think of the Serenity Prayer, which holds great wisdom:"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."I wish you the best of luck. I hope you work it out.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2015): OP, sometimes professional treatment isn't necessary; unless you know for certain that you can't get past this without help.
Everybody wants a magic pill or remedy that doesn't require any effort on their part. Sometimes we have to practice self-control, forgiveness, self-discipline, and patience.
We can't set standards for others we ourselves can't measure up to. Sometimes you just have to let the depth of your love for a person cancel false-perceptions and remove demands that create friction or discourse in our loving relationships.
I often tell young women, and I guess it applies to men as well; you will never find a perfect human-being who meets all the criteria you can set in your mind as the perfect match. If you can check-off most of the boxes that will make you happy; you're doing pretty good for yourself.
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male
reader, sunluv187 +, writes (28 May 2015):
sunluv187 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell then does anybody know how to go and get help for this condition?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 May 2015):
 You wrote on another thread: "When we met she spoke about things to me very easily were i thought she was very easy and well experienced in sex. When i had sex with her and continued to, i realized right away she was nothing like that. In fact she was very timid and shy about it and not at all sexual. Thats why when i hear her say now that she said things back then to probably sound cool, it very well could be the truth."
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 May 2015):
I'm copy/pasting a great answer on one of the threads I mention, from a female anon circa 2011:
"A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2011):
I'm going to add my 2 cents here, and it's long. I've been doing a little internet searching on this type of problem and I want to add some perspective to this issue.
I'm 50 years old and so is my current boyfriend. We both had long-term marriages that ended in divorce. We both were sexually active as teens and had relationships as teens. We've both been divorced several years and have had one long-term relationship each with different partners since our divorce plus a few other sexual partners. I'm telling this part so you understand the perspective from which I write.
In my search to understand, these are the things I've discovered:
1) This issue has no age limit, young or old, and is not gender specific, and it happens across many cultures. Both males and females of all ages and all sexual activity levels can have a problem with this issue.
2)Men are more likely to have a double-standard in this area. By this I mean that they may have had multiple relationships/sexual partners while their current girlfriend/wife may have been a virgin when they got together; she may have done nothing more than kiss or "make-out" with another man,yet the men who struggle with this problem still think of that girl as a whore or a slut. Women don't tend to see their husband/boyfriend as a whore or slut, even if the man has had more sexual encounters than the woman.
3) Because this problem happens to both males and females, it cannot be attributed only to a man wanting a virtuous woman, i.e. saying evolution has programmed men to want a virgin whereas women want an experienced man, or it's the natural order of things for a man to want a virgin. Nor can it be put down to female insecurities because men also feel this way.
4)The issue has nothing to do with the level of promiscuity (tons of partners in the past or an unequal number of partners in the past)because both partners could have been virgins, could have been each others' "first," yet one of the partners will have problems with obsessing about any type of experience, even holding hands, which their partner did before.
5) The obsessive partner could actually have had more sexual experience/partners than his/her partner. The obsessive partner will feel his/her past relationships are okay (even if he/she feels guilty about them), but the partner's past is not okay.
6) Male obsessors will play the "evolution" or "natural order of things" card while female obsessors can't fall back on that excuse, so they usually blame their own insecurities.
7) Some people (both males and females) who comment on this type of issue will quickly call females who have a sexual past whores or sluts, even if it's just one experience which doesn't even include intercourse. Men with sexual pasts are not called these names.
8)Some people, both males and females, who comment on this type of issue attack both males and females who are sexually active, not realizing that their own judgment/pride is the greater sin. I call these people "blind hypocrites." You're free to have your own opinion; you're not free to attack.
9) Some male obsessors admit to wanting their partner to be completely untouched, as in she shouldn't have even held the hand of another boy. However, those same males hold themselves to an entirely different standard. I reiterate this point because it's cruel,illogical, and unreasonable to hold another person to a standard you yourself have not met.
10) All obsessors say, "I could get over this, BUT..." and then go on to label a behavior they see as unacceptable (such as, his family still likes his ex or one of her partners was a different race than the current partner, or if only his past gf wasn't so much younger than him), which then somehow justifies all their obsessive feelings.
11)Male obsessors report wanting to kill or beat up their partners' previous bf's/husbands, even if his partner parted with her ex on good terms.
12)All obsessors report intense feelings of sickness, disgust, nausea, pain, and a desire to be violent in some way, even if only by ranting and screaming. Some actually vomit at times, or have other physical stress symptoms such as rashes, or become suicidal. Obsessors then claim that they love their partners intensely and that their partner is perfect in every way, except his/her past.
13) Obsessors will often quiz and harass their partners, often for hours, until their partners finally answer their questions. The obsessor will be very upset or angry when the answer comes, or if his/her partner fails to answer, or if any details vary even slightly from past answers, even if the partner is struggling to recall details from 10 or more years ago.
14) Obsessors say they have never loved anyone as much as they love their current partner, but then go on to hurt their partner will hateful accusations, name-calling, and derogatory remarks. This is not love. This is abuse.
15) Some non-obsessive partners say that their relationship with an obsessor deteriorated into further verbal, emotional, and sometimes physical abuse.
16) All obsessors said they play mental video tapes complete with a sound track of their partners' past relationships/sexual encounters. I found this interesting as people have several different ways they can imagine things: as moving pictures, as sounds only, as still images, etc., but obsessors chose the most real-to-life type of imagination or recall.
The answers I've found:
1) Leave for your own sake or the sake of your partner. No one is winning in this type of relationship.
2) If you don't want to leave, seek therapy immediately, like yesterday. Hypnosis, behavioral, cognitive, whatever...just find something that will work for you.
3) If therapy isn't an option because of affordability, you must practice strict thought and behavior control. No stalking anyone at any time. No snooping through emails, texts, diaries, etc. STOP your thoughts as soon as you recognize them. DO NOT INDULGE YOUR THOUGHTS. Your thoughts at this point are like an addictive drug, as are your behaviors. You're actually addicted to feeling bad, and your partner might be addicted to feeling bad, as well, which is why he/she tolerates your behavior. Search online for ways to STOP thoughts. Emotions come and go, but our thoughts are totally under our control.
4) Talk to people who don't have this problem or who have overcome the problem. It's great to find people who are struggling with your same problem,but unless you're encouraging each other to STOP, you're making each others' problems worse, not better.
5) See number 10 above and do not say BUT. You have a problem that needs to be fixed and you are the only one who can fix it because you are the only one who can control your own thoughts. Your BUT is no more significant than anyone else's BUT.
6) If you really want to love your partner (your current behavior is not loving; it's abusive) DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET OVER, AROUND, ABOVE, BELOW OR THROUGH THIS PROBLEM (stick to legal fixes, not things like attempted suicide or homicide or physical abuse).
So where do I fit in all this? My boyfriend is struggling to overcome my sexual past, even though we have similar pasts. I DID NOT want to talk about this subject, but he drilled me and drilled me until I did. STUPID! Put it down to lack of memory about dating, plus I haven't had a problem with this in any of my past relationships, and I haven't had a serious relationship for over 4 years. His behavior should have been an immediate red flag, but I was blinded by his sweet behavior when we first met.
I have no problem with his past, even though I visit him in the house he and his wife bought together, and I sleep with him in a bed which he bought while he was in a long-term relationship with another woman. Run imagination tape: he made love to her in this bed, in this bedroom; they did the same things together I'm doing with him (edit explicit details - you know what they are); he told her he loved her in this bed. My response to tape: How lucky they had each other for that time; I hope they enjoyed each other; I'm sorry things didn't work out between them, but I'm sure glad I've got him now!
Here's the scoop: Do I love him? Yes! He's incredible in so many ways! But I'm ready to walk. His hypocritical double-standard is driving me crazy. We're both 50 for the pity sake! If he wants a 22 year old virgin, he can get one. Maybe his children will appreciate a sister. If I stay, I'm as mentally unhealthy as he is, and I don't want to be that unhealthy. I want to enjoy my children, my grand1hildren, my life, my health, everything that life has to offer me at this stage of the game. And just so you know, my boyfriend is a successful businessman, very handsome, and has an incredible body and a delightful sex drive. Not only that, he's wonderful to his children, has a great sense of humor, is intelligent, and knows how to relax and have fun. Yep, he's great in almost every way; but I'll leave all that to get away from this nonsensical abuse. I hope this helps someone in some way. Good luck to all!
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 May 2015):
Retroactive jealousy often appears years into a relationship. We've seen it before and you are not the first here with this issue. Reading your posts and your followups, it's apparent that is what you are dealing with. The uncontrollable thoughts, the need for details, berating your wife to the point that she shuts down and refuses to give you more ammunition to aim at her? The aunts here have seen it before many times.
You need to deal with the RJ, and will probably need some counseling. It's a type of OCD, from what I've learned here and reading about it elsewhere.
Read all the posts by this aunt: http://www.dearcupid.org/people/yos
And read this thread: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retrograde-jealousy.html for links to questions.
Your wife is not lying. She knows that you are obsessing about this and no matter what she says to you, you will choose to believe the negative thoughts in your mind rather than her.
Do you want to stay married to her? If you do, you need to get your obsessive thoughts under control.
If you don't want to stay married, well, then, carry on and brutalize your wife about things that happened over 15 years ago, before she even knew you.
When she writes in here, most of the aunts will tell her to leave you, unless you get help.
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reader, sunluv187 +, writes (27 May 2015):
sunluv187 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCode warrior that is not the case. There is more to the story that im not gonna get into, nothing sexual, im just done with this topic here. As for retroactive jealousy, why would it all of a sudden arise after so long of not even being a thought? Another thing is for the last 20 years i really couldnt care less of what she did before me or if she did something while being with me. Thats why i truly believe its the fact it bothers me that i feel she lies to me and yes I will agree that i probably put my own thoughts of her truth in my head and i will always believe those to be true over anything she will ever say
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 May 2015):
 Again STOP obsessing over HER sexual past, it REALLY is NONE of your business.
TRYING to make sense of it, IS not your job or business.
You even KNOW how it UPSETS her to go OVER AND OVER this thing, so what is more important? FOR you to be "right" about her past behavior or to STOP hurting your wife by constantly bringing it up?
LIVE in the HERE and NOW - not in her past.
You can disagree with women having sex when they don't REALLY want it, that is fine - you are entitled to your opinion. BUT keep bringing it up like she committed MURDER or another grievous sin - is NOT helping you and NOT helping her. I'm actually amazed she hasn't told you to STFU about this already. Her past sex-life is NOT up for discussion. She already KNOWS she made a mistake of telling you ANYTHING. And she probably did tell you because she didn't have anything horrible to hide.
You are not a psychiatrist, she is NOT your patient, you DO NOT NEED to dig around her past to "figure" her out, quite frankly if you don't know her after 15 years of marriage, that is YOUR fault. And her past sex life? IS not WHO she is.
Now I'm done posting answers to this question because quite frankly I'm sick of watching you verbally beat this dead horse.
FIND posts by YOS on RJ (retrograde jealousy) you seem to suffer from this and MAYBE you are the one who needs to deal with this, not her.
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female
reader, jls022  +, writes (27 May 2015):
'I feel my wife really has that mentality but tried to fit in so bad and be liked that she made some terrible mistakes. Mistakes that cant be taken back.'
Having sex with someone for the wrong reasons may be a mistake, but it's not a terrible one. This isn't about you trying to understand your wife's motives at all, you are trying to punish her for something you perceive to be a terrible sin on her part. This is retroactive jealousy and is something you need to do something about ASAP or it WILL destroy your marriage.
'Mistakes that obviously bother her cause if it is brought up now, she screams, cries, gets emotional and quite frankly loses her mind for a short period.'
So why bring it up then? You know it upsets her and she doesn't want to talk about it, so why are you forcing her to relive it? Again, this is you punishing her for something that happened before she knew you and is actually NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!
'She had sex with a guy she liked and wanted to like her, i don't question it, she had sex with boyfriends because she felt obligated to, i dont question it.'
You have answered your original question here. You know why she did it, yet it's not the answer you want. Your real issue is not a lack of understanding, but an annoyance at her ability to have sex with someone who didn't love her. At her willingness in the past, as a fully grown adult, to engage in sex for reasons which you do not agree with (experimentation, validation, to see 'what the fuss is about' etc etc).
Well I'm afraid to tell you OP that you have neither the right nor the ability to dictate how or why another person behaves the way they do, and continually punishing them for something that happened over 15 years ago is not the way a husband should be treating a wife he claims to love.
If you can't get over this issue yourself - and make no bones about it, this is YOUR issue - then seek counselling before you drive her away for good.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 May 2015):
 She TOLD you !- she explained you neat and nicely. It's only that you can't bother to hear , because it's not the answer that you want or expect. Just because it's not an answer you can relate to, or not the one you'd give if YOU were a woman, it does not mean it is false or incorrect or inaccurate. Probably she screams and cries because she is sick and tired and disgusted of being questioned without even the chance of being HEARD. She is sick and tired and disgusted of having her feelings, painful feelings as for that, dismissed and invalidated as bullshit, just because you are so presumptous to assume that you KNOW instead what the " right answer " should be, and to have to cover for the umpteenth time ground that's pointless to cover because it's something that she can't CHANGE anyway, and because you have shown that you just can't or don't want to understand. It must be like striving to explain algebra to a 3 y.o.child with ADD - why does he KEEP asking, if he will not listen to the answer, will not understand if he listens to it, and will not accept it if he undertands it ? I think everybody would cry and scream in frustration- and for being disrespected in this gross , blatant way.
Yes , disrespected : which part of " Let it go, I don't want to talk about it anymore " you do not understand ??.
That's ALREADY an issue in your marriage, not " It may become an issue ". If you want to turn it into an issue that will cost you your whole marriage, suit yourself , your choice. Otherwise- let it go already !
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 May 2015):
 Right IF you bring it up to satisfy YOURSELF you HURT YOUR WIFE by needing to figure this out.
STOP trying to make sense of human nature... let it go and stop bringing it up.
IF my husband was this pig headed and stubborn and I kept saying "it's over and done and i don't want to talk about it, the past is the past" and he kept bringing it up
after screaming and yelling and saying "I don't want to talk about it ever again"
the next time he brought it up I would show his OCD ass to the door.
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reader, sunluv187 +, writes (27 May 2015):
sunluv187 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIm sorry that i was brought up with the mentality that a women should value herself and treat herself with respect and not let others disrespect her and that she shouldn't give herself away to anybody but only someone who she really cares for and is in a committed relationship with. I feel my wife really has that mentality but tried to fit in so bad and be liked that she made some terrible mistakes. Mistakes that cant be taken back. Mistakes that obviously bother her cause if it is brought up now, she screams, cries, gets emotional and quite frankly loses her mind for a short period. Which is why i am here asking others for their opinion so it doesn't become an issue in our lives.
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reader, sunluv187 +, writes (27 May 2015):
sunluv187 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo very confused, again, it seems you are missing what im saying also. She says she didnt want nsa sex but didnt want to date the guy, didnt have fun or an itch to scratch, wasnt enjoyable, wasnt into it, wasnt sexual, never was, didnt initiate anything, didnt try anything new or want to try anything new. Then my question is why do it? My assumption is she's lying. If she said, yes i had an itch to scratch or wanted nsa sex or said i didnt like him but enjoyed sex or said i liked him amd wanted him to like me, then I would understand it all. Again, why not say it? If you didnt want sex, then why did u have it and continue it for a small period or however long it lasted? She had sex with a guy she liked and wanted to like her, i don't question it, she had sex with boyfriends because she felt obligated to, i dont question it. But when I say, so you had nsa sex with this guy cause you wanted nsa sex, she says, not at all. She didnt like him or want to date him either. Then what?
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (27 May 2015):
The fact that YOU do not understand something does not make it less true,less witnessed, or less fequent when it happens all the time.
I do not understand how computers work, and yet, here I am posting my answers to you.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 May 2015):
OP you mean to tell me you NEVER ever have wanted to have NSA sex just for the fun of it?
You never wanted to scratch an itch?
In addition, this is all about the past... how is the present and why is figuring out the past so important?
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reader, sunluv187 +, writes (27 May 2015):
sunluv187 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoney pie u r wrong again about something. She never dated this guy and even said she would never have dated him and didnt like him like that. He was a friend and she did feel unattractive and did only like the attention. Again, i still would never understand how a women would give herself to someone if shes not into that person in that way, not looking for a relationship and not being satisfied sexually. It makes no sense to me. Shouldve stopped it in its tracks and said no. Then, see how long that "friend" wouldve stuck around.
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reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 May 2015):
Society is SO focused on sex these days. She might have had MANY reasons to have sex.
Women OFTEN have different motives than men, that goes for sex too. And like Cindy said SHE even explained it to you. She felt ugly and boring.
And don't forget MANY women (your wife's age and older) were taught that wanton women were "bad". Sex was not really about the woman. Some women take till they are in their 30's to realize that sex can be fun, kinky, whatever and that it won't make her SEEM like a "bad" woman.
We have women coming on DC (A LOT) who will enter FWB/F-buddy relationships in HOPES that it will make the GUY like them enough to date them, to take them serious, to appreciate them, to make them feel wanted. EVEN THOUGH the guy CLEARLY stated he wasn't interested in a relationship only sex.... Those women STILL HOPE that sex will make a man pay attention.
Women accept piss poor sex, because they are raised to be polite. And polite people don't tell their BF that he really SUCKS at getting her off. What they don't realize is WHAT you put into sex.. is what you get out of it.
I'd say if you wife is FINALLY coming out of her "shell" sexually, YOU need to NEVER stop bringing up the past or accuse her of lying about her past sex life. Or she will retreat back.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (27 May 2015):
OP ! She TOLD you why ! Are you even listening to her... or have you decided that you guessed right ,so whatever she says does not matter now ?!
She told you that she did it because she always felt ugly and like there was something wrong with her. She needed VALIDATION and reassurance. Using a men's erection as the yardstick ( ahem ) of one's social and sexual value, and level of desirability.
That's one of the MOST common reasons why young women have sex before being really ready or willing, and the fact that it's a wrong motivation, does not mean it does not happen. Because it happens all the time.
At DC we get tons of letter from disappointed teens who write uh, sex sucks, will it get better in time ?... and they do not realize yet that the reason why it sucked was because they engaged in it being only physically apt for it ( which , does not take much, just being 12 y.o. or so ) but not mentally or emotionally. There's no real desire, no real urge or intensity or passion or intimacy - there's only FEAR: fear of being the ugly duckling which nobody will choose , compared to prettier friends, fear to be too bland and common and "unspecial " to attract a man's affection by other means than using their vaginas, fear of being different from peers or inadequate or wrong in a hypersexualized society which tells them they should be little sex goddesses by age 16, fear of loneliness and abandonment and exclusion... and a warm horny body on top of yours is a temporaray antidote to those fears . Crappy sex seems a fair price to pay to feel special and unique and desirable and WANTED and LOVED. Even for just a few minutes at a time.
It's a TEXTBOOK explanation of why your wife , as zillions of other women, subjected herself to crappy, unsatisfying, even painful sex.
But no explanation will convince a man who has closed his ears and his mind...
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reader, sunluv187 +, writes (27 May 2015):
sunluv187 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd also honeypie, i didnt say, why have sex if you are no having orgasm, i said why have sex if you really werent wanting it.
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reader, sunluv187 +, writes (27 May 2015):
sunluv187 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie, u r wrong in a few things. She already told me, even when I first met her that this guy once and only once tried to go down on her and he was so terrible she said she had to stop him, so it wasnt that. Also, she says she never felt intimate with him but only liked the attention as she always felt ugly and something was wrong with her. She says she was never sexual, and did any positions but missionary. I do believe her, cause when we met i thought she has been around and I have to step my game up to deal with her in the sack. Boy was i wtong. I even asked her if she was ever raped cause she was so boring. She has always been uncomfortable with sex until recently we have had a breakthrough were she has tried new things with me and says she feels comfortable enough to let herself go with me.
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reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 May 2015):
Let me quote you:
Well 1 more question then honeypie, if 80% of women don't orgasm from penetration. Doesnt it say a lot for the 1 guy that got her close with penetration alone?
Nope. She may NOT be in the 80% first of all, second of all, his SIZE (length) makes no difference, now GIRTH can make some difference, but not enough to make a woman who "generally" do not achieve orgasm from penetration all of a sudden reach an orgasm.
He could have engaged in a lot of foreplay or stimulated her clitoris WHILE having penetrative sex (some positions are better than others for that). IT HAS nothing to do with his size.
As for why women have sex if they don't climax every time... ARE YOU serious? Unlike MANY men sex for MOST women isn't JUST about the orgasm. It's about the intimacy shared. And don't forget that up on till the 1960's... FEMALE orgasm wasn't considered "real".
PROCREATION (making a baby) doesn't require the woman to orgasm.
Some women accept crappy sex in order to FEEL loved or wanted. How is THAT rape? How is that "not respecting" yourself? She didn't SELL her body, she just had crappy sex, with either lousy lovers or inexperienced lovers.
Rape is about CONSENT, not mutual orgasms.
I think if women ACTUALLY chose to not have sex if the sex was crappy.... our species would have died out eons ago.
But the big thing... YOU need to live in the now, not in HER past. Somehow being UPSET at something SHE did or DIDN'T do BEFORE she met you is ridiculous. She can't change that, you can't change that - ergo POINTLESS and a waste of time.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 May 2015):
One of my friends has never had an orgasm. She is in her 40s, has a university degree, has 2 children and a marriage that seems to be working. If I were you, OP, I'd be thankful to have a good sex life with your wife and stop trying to paint her as a liar. Unless you are looking for a reason to divorce her? Is that what this question is really about?
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male
reader, sunluv187 +, writes (26 May 2015):
sunluv187 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn conclusion, i think the thing that bothers me the most is, if she really wasn't wanting sex, wasn't sexual, wasn't enjoying it, then why do it or continue to do it? It is kind of like being raped. Why not say no and respect yourself an save yourself for the right person like myself :) thank you all who have replied. You have helped me work this issue out a great deal and all without me having to start a huge fight over it and drag this on. Thank you
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reader, sunluv187 +, writes (26 May 2015):
sunluv187 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell 1 more question then honeypie, if 80% of women don't orgasm from penetration. Doesnt it say a lot for the 1 guy that got her close with penetration alone?
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 May 2015):
There are women out there who go a life time without an orgasm through sex. They "think" it's their fault, but in reality these women haven't found how to ACHIEVE an orgasm with a partner, mostly because they presume that INSERTION is how you get an orgasm - 80% of women do NOT orgasm from penetration. 80%.
With my first BF and my second I had plenty of orgasms and good sex, my third? was a selfish lover who thought everything was about the penis. Actually HIS penis.... My husband has been so so, but what he at times lacked in skills he sure got in spades in willingness and originality.
And there are several TYPES of orgasm. From the O - well that was nice, to the OOOOH leg shaking and world rocking to multiple ones. So yes, she could have had one not so great orgasm. She could have had a LOUSY lover and IF she never spoke up, that is what you get.
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male
reader, sunluv187 +, writes (26 May 2015):
sunluv187 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes jls22 that was good info. Like i stated before, she always said she wasnt into it or the guys and wasnt ever a sexual person, never initiated anything. She even said, i wouldnt say i was raped because i wasnt fighting or saying no,but kind of described it as being similar saying like i wasnt involved with it. She also says she was uncomfortable with herself, never got naked or tried anything besides missionary. And again, thats why i start saying to myself, is she serious?
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female
reader, jls022 +, writes (26 May 2015):
Yes it's possible. If she felt used or pressured for example, that could far overpower any good physical sensations she experienced. If you don't believe me, consider this. I work as a volunteer rape counsellor and many of the victims experience orgasm during the attack. It's an involuntary response and certainly doesn't mean they enjoyed it. Indeed it often makes the experience worse as they feel disgusted with themselves. Admittedly this is a very extreme example, but it illustrates the point that orgasm doesn't necessarily = good experience.
The question I have for you is, why do you need a group of strangers to confirm this for you instead of believing your own wife? She knows how she feels and she's expressed it to you, so why do you insist on trying to prove she is lying?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2015): This may help:
www.retroactivejealousy.com/what-is-rj/
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male
reader, sunluv187 +, writes (26 May 2015):
sunluv187 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo wise owl. I believe i am the best and i am confident. But to say she never even enjoyed it before? To say even when she did have her 1 orgasm that it still wasn't great? Is that even possible for a girl?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2015): It is quite possible that your wife may have had sex with someone that she enjoyed as much or better than you.
It's hard to recall for sure after 15 years. Which is why cases are seldom won in court on the recounts of witnesses after so many years. It is also the reason there are statutes of limitations for certain types of court-cases and crimes. Memory is unreliable after many years, and evidence is often lost or destroyed.
You are in denial if you claim all this is just about her lying; and not about your penis-size and performance-anxiety. This is all about your damaged male-ego!
If you condemn her for lying about something so unimportant and really none of your business; then she'd be better off without you. She can't undo the past; nor make your dick the biggest and best she ever had. So now what?
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 May 2015):
EVERYBODY lies. It's a fact.
Let me quote:
Leonard Saxe, Ph.D., a polygraph expert and professor of psychology at Brandeis University, says, "Lying has long been a part of everyday life. We couldn't get through the day without being deceptive."
Here is the whole article
https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/199704/the-truth-about-lying
Some lie as their profession, some to save their skin from drama or avoid conflict.
My guess is.. your WIFE honestly CAN'T remember the size or the sex. It's been 15 years. I can't even tell you the size of my husband's penis let alone the 3 men I dated and slept with BEFORE him - BECAUSE I never whipped out a measuring tape, nor did I care. I can venture a GUESS a to sizes, but it would be JUST that... a guess.. but their skills? I can remember if a sexual partner was GOOD or BAD.
Yes, she could be lying about this. And IF she is... I would venture a guess that she is doing JUST so to avoid conflict because you are SO OBSESSED with another man's dick size.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 May 2015):
so your true issue is "Is my wife capable of lying to me?"
is that your concern?
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male
reader, sunluv187 +, writes (26 May 2015):
sunluv187 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo yes, in conclusion, i do think, why would she lie, maybe she has lied to me about everything.
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male
reader, sunluv187 +, writes (26 May 2015):
sunluv187 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@so very confused, i have to clarify that I have lot of confidence in the bedroom and do believe her when she always told me she never enjoyed sex or even really knew what sex really was about until she met me. Also, i remember being with a girl years ago who slept around a lot and spoke about her experiences. She told a friend of mine that i was the only one to ever make her orgasm. So confidence isnt what im lacking. But i will say, my wife has told me 1 time with the particular person in question, she was getting close to orgasm but felt uncomfortable with it and he finished anyway. She claims to have only 1 orgasm before she met me with her ex boyfriend and only cause he preformed oral on her. So i do start thinking, the original guy in question, he must've been big or good cause he got her close to orgasm with only penetration and nobody else did that for her in her past. She still claims it was at best ok and still nothing was ever good. Again, not a confidence thing and not an issue, only thinking, whats the big deal to tell the truth about it if it means nothing to us. Sorry if this was sent twice, i dont think what i originally responded with went through.
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female
reader, like I see it +, writes (26 May 2015):
 OP, therein lies your problem. You are fixated on the possibility of a large penis in your wife's sexual past because you have it in your head that big dick = good sex. "Amazing out of this world sex," to be exact.
As multiple WOMEN on this site have replied to this post to inform you, this is not always the case.
What else do you need to hear to realize you are undermining your own marriage over something that is most likely a misconception on your part - and something that most CERTAINLY does not matter in your lives now?
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male
reader, sunluv187 +, writes (26 May 2015):
sunluv187 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@so very confused. Im not saying that at all. I am very confident in the things i do in the bedroom and am very convinced that it is amazing for her. She says she never enjoyed any sex in her past and didnt know what it really was until she met me. I felt she was always honest with that. I slept with a girl in the past who got around a lot and spoke about who was big or small, etc. She told a friend of mine that i was the only guy to ever make her orgasm. To me that says a lot. But the one thing my wife did say also was she was getting close to orgasm one time with the guy in question but she felt uncomfortable about it and he finished quickly after so she never did. The only other time she claims to have orgasm is with an ex boyfriend and only 1 time cause he performed oral on her. This is what she claims. So again, makes me think that she is being honest but makes me think he mustve been big or good if he could get her somewhat close to orgasm with only penetration.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 May 2015):
OP, my current husband and I will be married 3 years in October. He is my 4th husband.
He is the WORST lover I have ever had. Totally. and I make no bones about it and neither does he.
And yet... he is my heart and my soul and my love.
what good would my saying it to him over and over do? NO good. I'm with him. I'm committed to him. I love him. He loves me.
Life is what it is.
he does not ask me questions that would require me to lie "am I the best you ever had?"
"am I the biggest you ever had?"
I was a swinger in an open marriage when I met my husband. He knows better than to ask about others... the past is the past and we let it go and focus on today.
we don't worry about the past or the future... today is all we have and if we spend it worrying about things we can't fix in the past or things we can't control in the future we miss today.
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male
reader, sunluv187 +, writes (26 May 2015):
sunluv187 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo clarify, this isn't a major issue in our lives. It has though made me think of her as shes hiding things from me which i never thought of her in that way. It also has put it in my head that she has had this amazing out of this world sex with this particular person. I did bring that up and she laughed saying i think i would remember something like that.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (26 May 2015):
So if you know you are acting stupid... why do you KEEP acting stupid ?
Are you always so suspicious ? She said she does not remember. Period. Are you always questioning anything she says ?
" What did you have for breakfast ? " - Cereals ( Uhm... I wonder if it was eggs and bacon, instead )
" What did you do today ? " - Nothing special, I passed by my Mom's house. ( Ahhh... was it really her Mom's, or was a lover's secret den of iniquity ? "
Geez what a way of living. Unless you have found her being habitually sneaky / a compulsive liar- then just take her word and let this go. Yes, it's perfectly possible that she does not remember what she said,saw or did FIFTEEN years ago. Or, it's also possible that FIFTEEN years ago she considered things in a certain way- that's true about any issue , not just about penis sizes ! - and now she feels differently. Or, it is also possible that YOU remember incorrectly what she said ..15 years ago.
In any case, when questioned, she also told you that IF she said that, she probably said it to sound cool.
That's a very likely explanation, but the point is not what's more or less likely, the point is : why do you even bother asking her questions- if you know you are going to doubt the answer no matter what she says ??!
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (26 May 2015):
 I am going to ask you again ............ Is THIS REALLY LOSING YOUR MARRIAGE OVER?
Does it really matter if your wife can't remember a conversation held when you FIRST MET FIFTEEN FREAKING YEARS AGO??
Is this issue REALLY worth your marriage??
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (26 May 2015):
I am going to ask you again ............ Is THIS REALLY G YOUR MARRIAGE OVER?
Does it really matter if your wife can't remember a conversation held when you FIRST MET FIFTEEN FREAKING YEARS AGO??
Is this issue REALLY worth your marriage??
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female
reader, like I see it +, writes (26 May 2015):
I've been sexually active for ten years, not twenty.
But even I don't remember the size of the penis I had sex with for the first time ever...
I don't remember the penis sizes of guys I spent years in relationships with...
The only penis that stands out in my MEMORY is one with a congenital physical condition that gave it a unique appearance.
The only penis that stands out in my daily LIFE belongs to the man I am with.
And no, I have never missed, or felt any nostalgia over, a specific lover's PENIS. I'm not going to lie to you; I couldn't even type that last sentence without laughing at the idea.
But I CAN tell you which partners were selfish lovers.
I can tell you which partners were lazy lovers.
I can tell you which partners had trouble respecting my boundaries in the bedroom.
What men think most women want and value and what most women ACTUALLY want and value are not the same thing. Penis size? That's a male fixation, not a female one. Just about any woman will tell you there's WAY more to good sex than a big dick. Me personally? He could be hung like an eggplant and I still wouldn't be able to achieve orgasm via penetration alone. Good sex for me is sex with a partner who understands this and makes sure I ALSO get mine.
But if you think your wife is truly obsessed with penises and just won't tell you... well, she married YOUR penis, not theirs.
Good luck and best wishes moving forward from this, because that is precisely what you need to focus on.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 May 2015):
Good Lord, why are you bringing up a "penis size" 15 years later?
She might actually not remember the actual size, she might not GIVE a fly's FART about some past lovers penis.
She brought it up 15 YEARS AGO - GET frigging over it!
You may not understand why she can't remember or choose to lie about it, BUT going by your reaction, I understand her VERY well. She is over and done with the subject IT WAS 15 years ago.
Do you really think her life revolves around the size of a man's penis?
*hint hint* I bet you, it doesn't.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2015): Can't you just let it go and leave it alone? It obviously upsets you, and you're still too concerned over the size of another man's sexual organs. Whether she lied about it or not; it was 15 frigging years ago!!! How has your marriage been up to this particular conversation?
Now it's all coming to a grinding halt?
That doesn't make sense; that's why I suspect you've got a lot more issues going on than that conversation. You're ashamed and over-sensitive about the size of your dick. That requires professional attention; or you will obsess about the other guy's dick.
Most people get concerned about ongoing marital-affairs, not something that happened before they were married; and as long as a decade and a half ago!
Drop it and forgetaboutit! You're stressing and pressing her over it; and calling her a liar. You don't think that's cruel and unhealthy? She's apparently happy with who she's got. You're the one all upset about it.
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male
reader, sunluv187 +, writes (26 May 2015):
sunluv187 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIm not being cruel, she volunteered all these things to me. When we first spoke about sex when we met she told me she had sex with a few guys that she was never even into but only never turned them down. She felt everyone was talking about sex and it was what she had to do to fit in and thought this is it? This is what everyone is making a big deal about? She told me she never preformed any oral ever or was even into sex. This is all when we met so i feel we always were honest about everything. Now for her to change something upsets me. She swears she dont remember saying it and says if she did maybe she said it to sound cool. But the denying it is weird to me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2015): If you know it's "stupid," why are you grilling her about someone she once knew 15 years ago?
Why is it any of your business what size some guy's dick is? What's wrong with you?!!!
You are harassing your wife, calling her a liar about something that has nothing to do with you! Over the size of another man's dick!!! is she supposed to jump in a time machine; and make sure she doesn't have sex with the guy, in anticipation that you might come along and marry her?
Seriously?!!
Who has she been married to for the last 15 years? If your size was a problem, she didn't have to marry you; nor stay married to you. If you keep it up with this dick-size insecurity issue, she should file for divorce.
It's a mental-health issue on your part, and you're not likely to let this go!
I'm almost certain she's dealing with a lot of other marital-problems with you that will only be compounded with this new one! What you're doing to her is cruel, and you require therapy to help you to deal with your mental-health condition.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2015): She is telling the truth. May be a very small penis struck her imagination but big did not. I hate admit but I don't remember everyone I slept with. And I didnt have an outrageous amount. I just dont t remember . They came I to my life and left without leaving a trace.
I remember just a few but I don't ally remember their size. I remember how they made me feel but penis size.... I don't know, I don't t think it was that important.
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male
reader, Crazysecret  +, writes (25 May 2015):
 I think the real issue here is your insecurities and I am assuming your wife surely has experience with this seeing how both of you are married and surely know each other very well. She is either trying to protect you by lying about something so pointless or she actually doesn't remember. Either way I think you should work on your insecurities.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2015): She's probably telling you a white lie because she knows you're hung up about the size of your dick and if she told you the truth then you'd let it feed into your obsession.
If you're willing to let your insecurities about your dick jeopardize your marriage then you have serious long-term deep-seated issues you need to address.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2015): I agree with the others. She likely doesn't remember. Even if she does, it really doesn't matter. Penis size is so overrated anyway.
You're the one she has been with all of these years, and that means that you're the one she wants to be with. And, it's very likely that she told you he had a large penis ages ago in order to stoke your jealousy. Leave it in the past and move on. What good is dwelling on such a thing doing for either of you?
When she told you that sex was always bad before she met you, she told you the truth.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2015): You should get a grip. You've been married 15 years and you're quizzing your wife about someone else's dick? Seriously get over yourself and see that the only dick in question is currently you.
What does it matter? Do 15 years with you mean nothing? What would you achieve by bringing it up and she did remember?
I think you are being childish and jealous and perhaps your wife just cannot be bothered to indulge your retrospective jealousy - or perhaps she might be telling the truth. Either way, you shouldn't be bothering her with it and rather than dragging up 15 year old conversations you be grateful for the present moment - that you have a wife and she puts up with such pathetic questions.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (25 May 2015):
Is this worth damaging your marriage over? Is your wife really expected to remember every penis from her past after 15 years of wedded bliss with you?
We don't know if she is lying about this, she might be, I personally remember a man with a small penis from my past but the reason I remember him is because his character was such a disappointment, and his small genitalia was just part of the whole disappointing experience.
You need to decide how important it is to know if your wife has forgotten or if she is now concerned you are going to gnaw at this until you get the answer you want, making her life a misery and irreparably damaging your married while you are at it.
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male
reader, Garbo +, writes (25 May 2015):
 If she is not cheating with any of those penises that you are referring to then it really does not matter. The fact that she is happy with you penis should rejoice you because, after being afforded various penises to her enjoyment, she picked yours. That means you are doing something very right that other penises were unable to do. That makes your penis very successful at providing your woman with her sexual needs as oppose to other penises who were unsuccessful at the same task. The fact that she might be confused about which penis did what may mean that all those penises are so inferior that she is unable to distinguish which one is worse then the other. Therefore, rejoice that your woman is happy with your penis and be sure you provide her with lot of it for her enjoyment.
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