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Is my penis really that small? My wife seems to think I am lacking in that department.....

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 January 2012) 17 Answers - (Newest, 10 January 2012)
A male United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I need some advice on the classic "size" question.

My wife has indicated that she thinks I am lacking a bit, or not average. This bothers me. I am about 5.8 x 5.1. However, when not erect, its about 2-3.

From others perspective, is this a deal breaker? I am thinking about leaving my marriage because of issues such as this with my wife.

Is this something I should worry about? I really don't think its small but my wife has a lot of experience with men so I keep questioning this. Is it something I should tell a woman up front, like say I am only 5.8x5.1 before things get going? In the real world am I that far out of line with the norm?

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A female reader, Gabrielle Stoker United States +, writes (10 January 2012):

Gabrielle Stoker agony auntI'm guessing the issues in your marraige go beyond the penis size issue. Its unlikely this sort of thing would be raised after getting married, to be quite honest.

Regarding your size itself, it is absolutely fine. I've been with more men than most and can assure you that you sit right on the 50% mark in terms of length and girth and near the top in terms of desirability for most women. Personally, you're the sort of size I like to take to bed.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2012):

"issues such as this with my wife"

Any woman who tells a many his penis doesn't measure up, is just as wrong as any man who complains about his partner's vagina, breasts, waist, etc.

It's just cruel.

But, before you throw in the towel, do some talking. Cruelty has it's origins in cruelty.

For example, true story:

I had an incident, many years ago, with a partner engaging in "cock size" talk with me. I could have taken it badly. As it was, I was bemused, because in the work that I do I had seen literally thousands of cocks of all ages, and I know the statistics, and I knew the simple fact that I was dead on the 50th Percentile. I don't know the full story on what was going on with her at the time, and no we didn't engage in intercourse that day after she spouted off (who would want to...particularly since I'd done nothing to incite this display of female condescension and it hardly raises the level of passion), and yeah she did go on to have a lover with a huge cock that same year while she nearly destroyed herself with her drinking that spun out of control that year. Lot of good that big cock did her.

I know this because I was a good friend before and after the incident, although I was not going to tolerate this behavior, this behavior was quite odd for this person.

I still know her. She is older now, wiser now, quite troubled. She had some serious abuse issues in her past.

She told me a lot about this many years later. Sex was something that had to be demeaning, painful, dirty, random...actually it was engaged in as a form of self abuse.

I wasn't that kind of lover. I didn't try to hurt her during sex, didn't try to fuck her so hard that she was hurting and in pain "fuck me till I bleed" sort of mentality. Didn't try to just "fuck her" without getting her aroused and lubricated. That was what she'd been used to as a child when she was raped. I was gentle, patient, firm, and yet athletic (I liked vigorous sex but what she wanted was a "fuck me hard and get if over with" encounter).

But, she thought somehow that meant that I wasn't being turned on as much, that she didn't bring that out in me.

That was just the tip of the iceberg with regard to the degree of fucked up thinking about sex that came out of that abuse. Turns out I was one of hundreds of partners. She'd never been able to orgasm with her partners, never.

Yeah, I simply couldn't hurt her with my average sized penis like the guy who raped her the first time when she was a teenager.

Nor would I ever want to.

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (10 January 2012):

Danielepew agony auntMy opinion is that there are other problems in this marriage. If penis size were the only problem, then Wife would have manifested that long before.

What's more, me being a young devil, I would even assume that you had sex before marriage, and she knew you, and et cetera, but she married you anyways.

I think the problem is not the size of your penis.

I think the other question is more important. Should you tell another woman that your measures are so and so? Wife traumatized you. You can't accept yourself as you are, large or not. Besides, picture the image: "Gee, you know, you're hot and all, but I think you won't be pleased with me because my penis measures so and so". Can you see just how wrong that would be?

Do you see anyone going through life saying "I'm a cool guy, I do this and that, but... geez, I don't have a fiery sword, you know, so maybe you won't like me, because the size of my penis is all that matters, right?"

Nobody is perfect. Define "perfect". Perfect for whom?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2012):

Tell her that you're not satisfied with her size either, her p**sy is too loose.

Seriously. Do it.

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States + , writes (9 January 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony auntsounds perfect to me size wise...

i prefer smaller to bigger to be honest... I've had both

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (9 January 2012):

Honeypie agony auntHow long have you been married ? and personally, no for me it wouldn't be a deal breaker.

If you divorced should you announce your size before dating? Absolutely not! If a women only want to be with men with a BIG one, she will most likely put that out there soon and you can beg off because obviously she isn't a match.

I'm just wondering what kind of woman judges her man by the size of his penis? Sounds absolutely shallow.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (9 January 2012):

chigirl agony auntDeal breaker? Obviously your penis size isn't a deal breaker as your wife married you. And no, world wide your penis size wouldn't be a deal breaker.

It doesn't really matter though if other women find this a dealbreaker or not. It doesn't even matter if your penis is in the average or on the small side. None of that matters, because what matters is that your wife is expressing unhappiness in the sexual department, and you have it narrowed down to be about your penis size. However, hints here and there don't make for a clear communication. You need to sit down and talk to your wife: do you find my penis to be too small for your comfort? Or is there something else in the bedroom department that bothers you? What can we do to solve this, and how can we try to make things better?

And then for goodness sake don't think like and 18 year old and think that your penis is what determines whether your wife is pleasured or not. Your penis is a nice tool, but so is the rest of your body. Don't ignore what you can do with the rest of your body. How you handle her, how you kiss her, how you touch her, how you maneuver in bed, how you smell and look and so on. The best bed partners I have had were not the best because they had amazing penises. It's not the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean... and so on. You know the drill, and it is true.

PS. why would you go around telling other women your penis size? You are married. There is no need for hypothetical games of that sort.

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A male reader, Tom Obler  United Kingdom +, writes (9 January 2012):

Tom Obler  agony auntWith regards to length, you are pushing 6 inches with a 5 inch girth and that doesnt sound small in any sense. Seems odd this is an issue now.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (9 January 2012):

Tisha-1 agony auntHow did she "indicate" your penis is small? How long have you been married and did you have sex before you wed? What does she say when you asked her why she married you then? Have you been to see a sex therapist?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2012):

I think the issue here is with your wife, not you. Tobson is incorrect. The average male penis is between 5 and 6 inches long, and between 4.5 and 5 inches around. You are definately in the 'average' range. Actually a little thicker than average, but length is average.

Don't worry about your penis, it's fine. Based upon your age, and the comments about your wife's past experiences, she just must have 'lucked out' and been with a few 'big guys'. If she married you knowing your 'average' penis size, then there must be something there she loved about you. I think you are just comparing yourself to her past lovers and getting yourself upset over nothing.

At your age, your sex life should be more of the loving caring type than the 'gotta have it now' kind. You know the bigger, the faster, the better. Those days should be long gone and you should focus on having very long loving sexual sessions with your wife and don't worry about 'dick size'. Good Luck.

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A male reader, DoubleM United States + , writes (9 January 2012):

DoubleM agony auntYou do not mention how long you have been married, but it seems that you are more concerned about this issue than she. Must also be other things going on for you to consider ending a marriage. The size is about normal, and size rarely matters, especially if you also provide oral and other stimulation. Hope no children are involved here.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2012):

I have dated men smaller.

Personally it bothers me that a woman choses to be lazy and just relies on a mans size and girth. If a finger can elicit pleaure and its not even close to being your size- what is her damage?

The Gspot can still be accessed. Also there are sexual positions, full body massages, use the body to kiss, suck, lick, nibble, bite, explore. Get wife to a heightened sense of arousal.

Also, I dated a guy that was insecure about his size and it wasn't me complaining it was him. TURN OFF. So eventually sex waned because he wouldn't accept that I was in love with him and our sex life was good. It could have been more fun but he wasn't into role play and lingerie and stuff I liked.

How did Wife become Wife if she is going to toss out a well sized guy with a good heart? You picked her because...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for comments.

The question is should we divorce, is this something that should be talked about with other women in advance.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (9 January 2012):

Honeypie agony auntI believe you are average, but if she has only dated men who were hung like an ox, maybe that is all she knows.

I assume she knew your size before you two married, so why is it a problem now?

And since you are married which women would you need to tell up front about your size?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2012):

Im sorry that your wife has made you feel that you are inadequate. My hubby is about the same size as you, and let me tell you he knows how to use it! Perhaps she is lacking something else in the bedroom that makes her feel this way? Do you engage in lots of foreplay? Use your hands your mouth, use whatever you got! haha. I would hate to see a marriage break up over penis size!?! She is your wife after all, if she cannot accept you the way you are...the way she married you, maybe she needs to figure out exactly what it is she needs...im sure an extra inch wouldnt change her mind, if you ask me, I think she needs to be honest about whats lacking.

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A male reader, Daniel the love doctor United States +, writes (9 January 2012):

Daniel the love doctor agony auntI'm sorry to hear that your wife is not satisfied with your size. I don't know what the issues are in your marriage or in the bedroom, but if sexually your wife is not happy then there are things that you both can do... including seeing a therapist/sex therapist. If penetration is the problem, she can get satisfied and brought to orgasm other ways.

As far as your question about what is considered the norm and if your size is small... well even though there are studies out (which is not truly accurate because they don't survey every man living in this world), your size would be considered average according to their reports. And I don't believe you should feel prompted to disclose your size to any woman you meet- should you decide to divorce and date new people. That's something that if it came down to it, they'll just find out on their own.

And the majority of women out there are not "size queens" and do not care about your size. As long as you can stimulate them mentally and emotionally to bring upon a stronger connection/bond, they'll be happy. And intimately, it's more about your performance and what you do in the bedroom... then the size of your member.

Here is some additional reading that you may find beneficial..

http://www.dearcupid.org/question/does-size-make-the-man.html

Best wishes to you!

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A male reader, tobson United States +, writes (9 January 2012):

Dear poster,

average size/length of a male penis is between 6 and 7 inches. However the diameter counts too and many women dont even like a large penis to much as it causes them pain.

Instead of thinking about what you can change (penis enlargement is huge money making machine with little outcome to the patients as far as I know) - you should look at what you can change. Many women cant orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone but there are many ways to help this like oral sex or using toys.

Why would this be a deal-breaker to you - it sounds more like she would be dissatisfied for the size. Or does it bother you that she has so much more experience. Could that be the issue?

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