New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login244945 questions, 1084256 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

Is my mother just hurting and taking it out on me? How do I accept that nobody loves me?

Tagged as: Family, Health, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 January 2017) 7 Answers - (Newest, 28 January 2017)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I'm not sure whether any of you have exactly gone through the same thing, but I feel alone in this, even though I may be irrational in thinking this and just overwhelmed by my feelings.

Recently, my sibling (I'm not sure which gender specific word to choose) came out to our family as transgender. I saw it coming, but it still feels surreal.

I know that this is going to sound really bizarre and made up but please believe that this isn't a troll post.

All you have is my word, but that is a lot, and somewhere behind a computer screen, a confused girl is hurting and alone.

My mom's treatment of me changed immediately last Summer after a visit to California, where my sibling lives. When she was there, "John" revealed that he was "(female name)" and had had gender reassignment surgery.

When my mom came home, she started blowing me off, yelling at me for every little thing, treating me like a pain, demanding things of me and then barely thanking me.

I've always been a staunch defender of LBGT people, and I was always that kid who would want to beat up bullies who picked on the gay kid at school. "(female name)" and I never had a good relationship, and I while I have issue with some terrible things she's done, I have NO issue with the fact that she's a male to female transgender woman. I feel like people should have the right to be themselves and not be judged. The transgender part I'm cool with, but...

The problem is that my parents are having a difficult time coping, which I understand. I know they are hurting, and maybe it's no one's fault, but I strongly sense that my mom is taking out her anger on me. I've always gotten this vibe that I can't vent my feelings to my family and it feels lonely. I know my mom is grieving but I feel like she blames me or I'm simply a scapegoat. My mom doesn't open up to me and I have always had to second guess... her anger towards me is like the tip of the iceberg and the waters beneath it are deep, and dark.

I'm a completely ordinary, cisgender, straight woman. The irony is that everyone expected me to be the one to come out as lesbian or transgender. I'm not sweet and feminine, and I like more "guy" oriented activities. This has been a major shock to everyone in my family.

I know my mom is struggling, and I'm not someone with princess issues who wants to be catered to or get special treatment. I just feel unloved and I feel hurt because my mom has been cold to me ever since she found out. I have no one to talk to about things, I feel alone, I feel like I have no family.

I feel like I'm the ordinary sibling of a special needs kid and like it's inevitable I'll get the shaft from my parents, but I feel like I am alone in the world and I don't belong. I get NO love. I just get yelled at constantly, but I have no one to listen to me if something is bugging me. Maybe I'm being self centered, but being blown off by your "blood" relatives really sucks, because I have no one I feel is there for me. I know she's struggling but I'm her daughter, and she just leaves me in loneliness.

My mom has implied that it's my fault that (female name) is a woman now. When I was a kid, I complained bitterly about being an only daughter. I HATED being an only daughter. Because I was the only girl, I always felt pressure to live up to the standards my parents had for me, and that I couldn't be myself. I always wished I could have been a tomboy, but I feel like it's unnatural for an only daughter to be a tomboy and that I was expected to be feminine and sweet.

I gravitated to interests like playing drums in a band, I wanted to ride horses, I liked animals, I wanted to be a vet... but my mom pressured me to be a sweet girly girl, wear pink, pursue a feminine career, she wouldn't let me skateboard or surf or ride horses, I had to wear pink. I couldn't be myself. I wanted a sister so that I wouldn't be under so much pressure to be perfect and feminine and I wanted another girl to shoulder that burden. I resented having these expectations foisted on me, and I complained about wanting a sister. I still wish I had a sister. I am a woman now and have to go through crap like singleness and tears, that men can't imagine, let alone go through, and I have no one to really get me.

I deeply sense that my mom thinks that I am the one who ruined (female name) and that she's transgender because I caused her severe psychological damage because I hated being an only daughter.

Maybe it's my fault about (female name) and I'm an evil sociopath. Maybe I'm selfish because I'm depressed over how alone I feel instead of sympathizing with my mom. I'm not sure if my mom really blames me or if she needs an outlet for her grief. She won't accept that (female name) is who she is, she is in denial about the whole thing, but she's hurting because underneath it all she knows how things are.

I just feel like I have no one in the world and my world is like this dark empty box where no one can hear me. I have had clinical depression and anxiety for years and even though I am seeking counseling for this, I have no real support system in my life. My father never seems to want to see me, and lives in another country. He has the means for me to come visit, but he doesn't seem to want to.

I wonder if I'm normal. I said I was cisgender and straight. I'm not in denial and never had any impulses otherwise. I'm not homophobic so no real reason I'd be in denial if I were "different." I identify as a woman, I just hate being a woman, because being a woman sucks.

But I wonder if my disdain for feminine things is a harbinger of some underlying gender identity issue. I HATE "girl stuff." I think makeup and frilly dresses and shopping are boring, I like animals and outdoorsy things, I wish I could play drums in a band (I used to actually), I like video games. Is there a biological reason that girls tend to like shopping, pink and clothes and guys like animals and bands? Am I even "normal?"

It breaks my heart to be pushed away like this. I get NO love at all. I feel like I'm a ghost in some cold void, stranded in my loneliness. Maybe I'm being a selfish asshole, but it hurts so much that I'm losing my mind.

Is it my fault that (female name) is like this? Is (female name) just acting out all the hurt I inflicted on her? I feel guilty, but hurt. Is my mom being cold to me because she blames me?

Or is she just hurting and taking it out on me? How do I accept that nobody loves me?

I know that all of this sounds like I'm self centered, unsympathetic and feel sorry for myself but I'm really loving underneath it all. I don't want ANYONE to hurt like I'm hurting now.

I just want someone to give all the love in my heart to. All I ever had was my dog, and she's been dead for over a year. Not a night goes by that I don't cry myself to sleep because I miss her so badly. I told her everything and she was my best friend.

I clarify that I am single, and just disappointed that I never found anyone. I wish I could just have a normal life and marriage to a kind man. I have no support system and feel like the loneliest person in the world.

View related questions: best friend, depressed, lesbian, unloved, video games

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Share

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2017):

I'm the OP and my reaction is... wow! So many of you took a lot of time and consideration in reaching out to me. Thank you so much.

Things are hard, but I feel less alone.

It's true, I've tried to see things from my mom's vantage point and I see that she is grieving. I feel bad that she's hurting, but I like Amber better as a girl. John was a nightmare... Amber has her life together. I don't want my mom to grieve but I feel like there's this peace that wasn't there before. It's hard to reconcile all these feelings.

The good news is, I feel a bit less alone. I want you to know how much it means that you reached out to me! This advice is really good!

There is more, so much more, and I promise to TRY to be in touch soon.

<-- Rate this answer

A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (27 January 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI don't think you "made" your brother into a transgender female. I think it's more likely that he felt that way for a VERY VERY long time and hid it because of your parents. He(she) didn't tell your mom till AFTER the surgery? If I understand you correctly? If so, I think it was definitely something He (now she) wanted and didn't want your parents to interfere with like they interfered and still interfere with YOUR life. He (now she) watched how your parents ignored your wishes and tried to stuff YOU into a cookie cutter mold and he (now she) didn't want that for himself (now herself).

Being a woman has nothing to do with what kind of clothes you like, what hobbies or colors you prefer. EACH person is different. Liking or disliking pink is a personal preference and I think you have associated pink with negative feeling because you were "forced" to wear them. Same with shopping and frilly dresses. There is NOTHING wrong in liking that or NOT liking that. IT doesn't make you "abnormal" to "rebel" against the gender expectations of your parents.

Maybe they don't really understand homosexual and transgender people at all and thought that IF they put you in pink and dresses you wouldn't "become" one of "those". That is just not how it works.

I think MOST transgender people know early on (pre-teen) that they are not comfortable with their own gender, but many don't pursue that.

And I think some who CALLS themselves transgender or gender fluid - are just people who are VERY unhappy with themselves and hope that BEING someone else or another gender will fix whatever issues they feel they have. THAT is why seeing a psychiatrist for a lengthy period before getting the surgery is the norm in many countries. Because it IS a big decision to alter your body to THAT extreme, and there is no going back.

So I REALLY don't think you "made" your brother want to be a woman.

You sounds like you are unhappy and depressed so I would suggest you go see your doctor and get a referral to a therapist, so you can start working on LOVING yourself.

And you are ONLY 26-29 so you STILL have plenty of time to meet someone who will love you too. But it starts by YOU loving YOU.

And IF your mom (and dad) are such negative influences in your life, give them some distance. If you mom puts you down when you see her, tell HER enough, I'm, going home because I didn't come here to be abused by you. And then you leave and go home. If she does it over the phone you tell her:" ENOUGH if you can't talk to me in a positive manner I'm going to cut the conversation off."

Are you currently working? If so, are you happy with your job?

And I would also suggest you start getting outside and get some exercise. You don't HAVE to go to a gym to do that. Going for a walk/run can help too.

And since you love animals so much, consider volunteering at an animal shelter? My kids and I do that almost every Saturday and it's therapeutic.

And as for your mom, yes I do think she is in denial but really THAT is HER problem, you can't fix that. Over time maybe she will learn to accept it or she won't. HER issue.

YOU just have to decide to STOP letting her take it out on you because she doesn't know what else to do.

Chin up. No one is unlovable.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2017):

The level of despair you sound as if you're suffering needs a bit of professional help I would say.

There's nothing you can do to change the way your Mum is relating to you and neither should you feel guilty about not supporting her. It's difficult to support someone when they're hurting you so much. If she was kind and cared about your feelings and not just her own, you would be able to support each other. Maybe it would be worth to go out on a limb and try to commiserate with her about the son that she has lost. But if she feels it's your fault (which is obviously ridiculous, no-one can persuade someone else to be transgender) this may be difficult.

In the late seventies my brother who was aged 16 at the time realised why he had felt so 'wrong' all his life and let my parents know in a letter that he believed himself to be a woman trapped in a man's body. This was back when people were regularly ostracised for this, so it took a lot of courage.

My father wanted to put 'him' in the army and send 'him' to the doctors. Neither happened of course. My father disowned my now sister and it took the brilliant intervention of my lovely Mum to reunite the family. Once he'd got over the shock, he was incredibly supportive and was ever since.

I'm telling you this, because for years I didn't realise how much my Mum was hurting. She loved ..... so much and she actually didn't like ......., who she became.

Funnily enough they kind of were different people.

As Mum only had one son, she really felt his loss and it was like a bereavement to her. Mum would never let any of us suffer because of what she was feeling, so I was lucky that I didn't suffer the backlash that you are now. I was younger too so they would not have discussed it with me at the time.

Your Mum has had a tremendous shock. She has actually lost a son. That is obviously no reason at all to take it out on you, but it sounds as if she is not coping.

I don't know if family therapy would ever be considered, but if not, then I feel you would benefit from therapy as you need more help and support than we can give.

Perhaps show your Mum your post and how your feeling? And the answers given?

I really hope something helps you. We are here if you just want to talk.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2017):

Hi, I'm back again. Slippers has given great advice. Give your parents some space. I think it was Nate Berkus, who said about his coming out to his parents as gay, that he had to give them time and space to grieve the loss of the son they thought they had. Your parents need time too - they lost a son. Sure, they gained a daughter, but that perspective will only come in time.

Societal roles for gender can be pretty warped. Who said girls must love pink? And dolls and tea sets and what not. It puts unnecessary pressure on a child to behave only within a certain bound, and anything outside this suffocating scale is.. queer.

Doesn't mean that a child who does like such stuff is any less. There doesn't have to be a standard. A child is a child. Sometimes I wonder, many people that identify as trans, are they really truly so? Take for instance a male who identifies as a female predominantly because they liked 'girly' stuff as children, like playing with dolls, and disliked the 'rough' stuff associated with boys. Maybe they preferred the ROLE that society assigned for the female child, and assumed that in order for their likes and tastes to be accepted, that THEY have to assume that gender.

Now I might be way off, and so I apologise for seeming insensitive. But wouldn't you agree that the societal standards of 'this is OK for a boy' and 'this is OK for a girl' make significant contributions to gender identity of the individual..?

You are NOT any less of a woman because of your likes and preferences. You are perfect the way you are.

Now don't go imagining that a guy will come riding down the hill on a white horse and take all your troubles away. It doesn't happen like that. When we depend on someone else for our own happiness, we are giving unnecessary burden to them. He shouldn't have to pull you out of trouble each time. It's great if he does, but living with the expectation of 'he's gonna make it OK' will only make things tougher for all involved.

YOU can make it OK. You really can! First of all, you have nothing to do with the transition of your sister. She felt she was in the wrong body, she is an adult, she made her decision. Maybe some of the issues that you had with her could do with the fact that she was grappling with her gender identity, and so unwittingly lashed out at you? Anyway, this is an opportunity for you both to make amends.

Now you have a sister! It's a brand new life for her, and so treat this as a completely fresh start. Give her another chance. Maybe you will end up finding a deeper and more fulfilling relationship with her than with your parents.

Second, loneliness is easily cured. Do something for someone else without expectation of anything in return. You might be alone, but I doubt you'll be lonely.

I feel so bad about the loss of your dog.

My dog was my sister and friend and when we lost her my entire family grieved for a long time. The pain lessens over time but the love.. the love is always there. There are times when I think of her and tears flow from my eyes, even though it's been many years since she died.

You might not feel ready now, but take some time off. Go jogging and exercise everyday.

Physical exercise will kick off certain chemical reactions that alleviate depression. Keep at it for a few months. When you feel better, I would suggest adopting a puppy or a dog from your shelter.

People might disagree with me, but for me, a dog is like a child.

Doesn't mean that you should treat your dog as you would a human child. But the love I have for my dog would be the same as that for my child. There is no difference in that.

We can be better human beings just by deeply observing animals.

Anyway, please don't feel like you're alone. I hope (and know) that you will get better very soon!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2017):

Right sweetie I normal sign in as slipper but for some reason I can't .. I read your post and had to reply ..

Firstly ; you are not to blame for your brother deciding to become female that is something your sibling has decided and wants for them .. you talking about wanting a sister when younger is hogwash .. one of my daughters wants a unicorn so say the other one decides years later to stick a bone to her forehead does not mean my oldest made that happen .

Mum wants to lay blame there is no blame here .. your sibling is becoming the person he needs to be .. that's it ..

Secondly .. yes mum and dad are attacking the nearest object with their cutting remarks .. you ..

If up until now your relationship has been good ?? My advice would be to not see your parents so much and let them digest this big change if you live with them make yourself scarce . Go out or into your room .. say to them if their being difficult .. I know your fretting and upset but this is what ( insert sibling name ) wants needs and I will give you space on your own . This is not about you so remove you from the equation .

Get out more with friends.. be light .. contact your sibling ask them how can you help them or keep in touch during this time .. be the supportive girl I see .. hold your head up high and be you ..

And remember we are only a few words away .. we may not be able to physical give you comfort but sometimes just talking helps lots

Take care sweetie .. let's us all know how your doing

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2017):

My heart goes out to you.. you are a sensitive, loving person with the maturity to understand that your mother is lashing out at you because she is finding it hard to cope with the transition of her other child. Please don't feel like you are alone in this. I would like to give a long reply but can't from my phone..sending hugs

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2017):

Note to mods from OP: "Amber" is not her real female name. I made that up. She got a name change when she became a woman through gender reassignment surgery, but her real name is something else.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

Add your answer to the question "Is my mother just hurting and taking it out on me? How do I accept that nobody loves me?"

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.0312536000001273!