A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I just lost our first child through miscarriage, and while my family have been supportive and giving us time, his mother has driven us apart and he can't see any of what she is doing as wrong.First, she told my brother in law about the miscarriage. It wasn't her place and I didn't feel he needed to know. We aren't close or even friendly. Then 3-4 times a day, she rang during the period where we were unsure if it was a miscarriage or not, wanting up dates. She would then go on about things we didn't need to know, so sometimes up to an hour my husband would be on the phone to her while I was sat on my own in tears. My father in law kept sending text messages saying things like I hope you are feeling better now, or I hope things improve quickly.I mean, seriously, it's like they felt they had a right to destroy the time amount of time I had pregnant by interfering. I asked my mum to come to the hospital, when my MIL found out her response was well my son needed me, why wasn't I invited! As if it were a party?!I've barely spoken to my husband about their behavior because it just causes rows but I'm seriously thinking about walking away from him. It's getting me so down, it's not the first time she has caused rows and it won't be the last. I can't take it. I have too much in my mind, and I need support but my husband isn't interested in the fact the last few days I was pregnant were destroyed by her constant inferring and he is ok with it! I'm thinking of moving to my aunts in the morning. I can't be with him anymore. His mother has caused too much drama in 5 years for this marriage to last. My family say it's just grief why I'm so mad but I had thought about it before. No point in staying when we can't fix it is there?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (17 August 2015):
 As the mother of an adult son who is married to a pregnant woman (his baby) I feel badly for your MIL. All she wants to do is love you and her son and your children.
I am so sorry for your loss. The loss of a child is painful. A miscarriage is even more painful IMO. You are losing hopes and dreams along with reality.
SO IS SHE.
IF my DIL had a miscarriage now I would be DESTROYED. I would want to talk to my son.. I Might even get on a plan and go stay with them for a few days.
WHY is the mother of the father always a second class grandparent???? Why is your mother allowed to be supportive and loving and available to grieve with you but the OTHER grandparent is not? HOW is her pain less than your mothers???
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2015): ' I mean, seriously, it's like they felt they had a right to destroy the time amount of time I had pregnant by interfering.'No. They didnt act like they had a right to interfere. They acted like parents who are grieving with.their son and daughter in law. She stays an hour on the phone because that's the only way she can be there. He probably needs that comfort his mum too. Just because he's not crying does not mean he is ok. At least you got to have your mum by your side. The best he got was a phone call. I'm truly sorry for your loss but in your grief, remember that you ate not the only one grieving. Your husband is grieving too and so are your parents in law. They care about you! They are ready to drop everything and come and support you during this tough time. Don't snub that. That is a great set of future grand parents.The more you push her away the more she'll get 'clingy'. Why not reach out to her. Make an ally. Genuinely get to know her. That way you can say to her I really appreciate you being there for me but I need time to grieve on my own in the same respectful way you would talk to a friend.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (17 August 2015):
 Hi,firstly, i am so sorry for your deep loss. Losing a baby, is an incredibly painful experience.It would be very taxing on you in many ways and this is the time, that you need as much support around you, as possible.I am quite sure that in the near future, you and your husband will be blessed with a beautiful new baby, but for now, allow mother nature to take her course and do allow yourself all the time you require to grieve and i think if you and your husband could share some of your grief together, this would really benefit you, he and your marriage.Because you'd be sharing your grief together, this would create a real new 'bond' between the two of you.Please remember also, that your husband is grieving too, so too, the rest of his family and yours, just in their own way, in a very different way obviously. Obviously, you are the person who is grieving/suffering the most, on a very personal level.Please do not allow your negative feelings about your mother-in-law, to affect your feelings toward her, your husband, others within his side of the family and certainly not your marriage, because what you are describing, is very common within many relationships and marriages.This entire issue is actually about you, more than it is about your MIL. I say this because, if you are strong enough to ignore much of her behaviour, if you stand up for yourself, for your marriage, if you speak to your husband openly and directly about what you are truly feeling, i personally believe that things would improve somewhat.You are in control here, not your MIL.I'm aware you mentioned, that this is not the first time there have been issues, however, much of the previous problems have also occurred, because you've not made your intentions/feelings fully clear to your husband.I am not saying that you are to blame for everything that goes wrong, but what i'm saying, is that if you don't like what you see, you must speak up and be heard, even if it is difficult and even if your husband doesn't want to hear about it, or even if he doesn't appear too interested in what you're saying.Many times, our partners, or people in general can/will appear complacent, but this doesn't mean that they don't care, or aren't interested.Your husband is a man, he may simply process things very differently to you. He knows his mother very well, so when he hears you say certain things, he may not even understand what you're saying, or know where you are coming from. This is where you must make your intentions/feelings very direct and above all, clear.The other thing is that your husband obviously has a good relationship with his mother, so when he sees that you're unhappy with numerous things, surrounding her behaviour, he may not be able to relate to you, or what you are saying/implying.Try to imagine how you'd feel, if the shoe was on the other foot. If he felt as you do, toward your own mother, father and/or side of your family.God forbid, if after you do all that i just mentioned and things still remained the same, or got even worse, well then, you would seriously need to assess the future of your marriage.Even then, i would still encourage you and your husband to visit a professional counsellor, who would assist you both with ways in which to deal with any arising issues/difficulties.He/she would help you and your husband to help yourselves find tactics, ways of coping/dealing with all these issues.There are two old sayings i love, 'better the devil you know, than the devil you don't know'.'The grass won't always be greener on the other side'.There is much truth to these two sayings.Yes, if you are this unhappy, perhaps walking away may make you feel better, but i'm not so sure whether you'd be any happier long term, because right now, you've just been through something very traumatic and you actually need much love, support and care.If you left, you'd still have your parents, your side of the family, your friends, etc;, however, it's really your husband that you need the most right now and perhaps even unbenknownst to you.The problem here is, that you are grieving deeply, you are hurting, you feel that the stresses, interference from your MIL, your husbands seemingly casual approach, lack of proper care/attention to you and your feelings that has actually brought on, in some ways, caused your miscarriage, but it actually has nothing to do with it.Sure, stress is not a good thing, certainly not when a woman is pregnant, however, being a nurse, please rest assured that whenever a womans pregnancy doesn't progress smoothly, it is because something wasn't progressing well, with the womans pregnancy, hence mother nature taking over.Mother nature, where pregnancy is concerned, will always take over, if/when things aren't progressing well and according to plan.Please forgive me for typing my previous paragraph, however, i am a woman like you, i too, have lost a child and i wanted to share with you, why many pregnancies are not carried to full term.If it's of any comfort to you, please know that you're not alone.I would strongly encourage you to remain with your husband for the time being, sit him down and talk to him about 'ALL YOUR FEELINGS, WARTS and ALL.' Cry with him, yell your feelings out loud, if you really have to and see what his reaction is.If you don't receive the support that you'd like, then you can think about the future prospect of yout marriage, but even then, i would encourage you both to try counselling first and many of your negative feelings would be alleviated, i can almost assure you.Worst case scenario, you'd at least know through proper and professional counselling, when the real time has come to make serious changes within your life, rather that assume on your own, especially when it would be hard for you to think straight/rationally.Throwing your marriage away, especially during such a sensitive, painful time for you, would be a bad idea and you may end up feeling much worse, much more alienated, because your familiar surroundings have been displaced.You may well end up really missing your husband.I would encourage you strongly, to think about this.Talk to him, ask him, tell him all that you feel, share all your concerns about he and your MIL and see what his reply is.Do all you possibly can first, before making any quick/brash decisions.Right now and with all due respect, you are grieving and it's very, very difficult for you to think fully rationally, nor straight, during this very difficult period in your life.I guess you'd seriously benefit from taking full control of your own marriage and your own life, rather than allowing your mind to waiver and allow you to think that your MIL, or anybody within your husbands side of the family, have actual power to destroy what you and your husband have built.Perhaps you could discuss these feeling that you carry, with your own mother/parents?They are older, wiser than you and they may be able to give you a few tips, or some friendly advice that you may take on board.When we cannot think straight, when we cannot rationalise things properly, this is where a wee bit of care, support and advice, from others whom we trust and are very close to us, can go a long way.Sometimes, it's quite ok, for us to allow ourselves, to be 'vulnerable' and this in no way, represents weakness.Finally, please take good care of yourself, even though you may not feel like doing too much at present.Have plenty of 'you' time, do grieve if and when you must and there is no shame at all surrounding what you've been through, it's very common and touches many womens lives.Rest, sleep when you feel you must, maybe take some time off work if you can, when you feel ready, talk to those you feel comfy and safe talking to.Perhaps you could visit your loacl council and some point, when you feel ready and enquire about joining a local support group, for those who have also their child.If you don't seek support and advice, you'll never know what could be.You don't have to do this alone, if you don't want to.Sometimes, doing things away from our immediate loved ones, family, is even better medicine, because we find ways of coping and dealing with our own personal issues and when we reunite with our loved ones, we are in a much better, more positive frame of mind to communicate and deal with things.Also, eat well, drink plenty of fluids, so your body and mind remain fully functional and you feel more refreshed.Go for walks alone, if you feel the urge, spwnd time with your parents if you feel the need, spend time alone too and this is important for your personal healing process too, but remember also, that there is no set healing time for any two people. You may pick up relatively quickly, or you may still feel pain, grief for a long time to come, but do know with time, you will feel stronger and more able to cope with your daily life and all surrounding it.We humans, are 'innately', incredibly strong and sometimes we surprise ourselves and yes, our mental strength, longevity wise, often has more to do with our mindset.Just give yourself all the time you need and do be patient with yourself, with your husband and yes, even his mother.She may very well, mean well, although i would stipulate that your marriage is your marriage and there is no room for third parties and any form of interference, especially not during this period.I am not only talking about your MIL here, nor even your husbands side of the family, this is just a general comment and applies to all married couples, or anybody within a relationship.The other thing you may wish to try doing, is to ignore incoming calls from your MIL, but do not be impolite or rude to her, just let her know that you won't be taking any calls, as you need your time out and your space.Let your husband know this too and let your husband know that you'd prefer no visitors at this time, as you are grieving, you demand your personal space and the last thing you need right now, are different people hanging around, telling you things that add to your upset, placing pressure upon you and your emotional state.You may even wish to let your husband know, that if your marriage is to survive, long term, then you guys will require all the space it takes, for you to re-connect and to resolve your own marital issues, if/when any should arise.I do wish you all the very best and although i have been very transparent within my reply, whilst you are going through so much, i felt it necessary to be brutally upfront and honest with you, as you've asked for advice.Also, please remember that running away from any problems does not work, facing them does.Whenever we decide to leave a current partner/spouse, we should only leave when all else has failed, ie;, love, respect, trust, communicating, counselling, etc;.Any new relationship that we enter in the future, will have within it, it's own new set of problems, issues, difficulties, so sometimes we are better off sorting out present issues, if at all possible.Divorce, breaking up, should always be a 'last resort'.All the best and please let us all know how you get on. :-)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2015): I second JanniePeg. I was thinking what she was saying.From your description it does not seem like she was "interfering" it seemed she cared a LOT. A little bit too much,maybe, but that doesn't make her a bad mother surely?In fact, she is so desperate to be your "mum" too and her grandchild's grandma that she wants to share everything with you/ really make you part of her family.Now, her family might function differently from yours but she IS family.If you had your child she would be his/her grandma.You can't stop miscarriages. There is nothing you could have done and even if she was less "interfering" (I only see "super-worried" but that's me) it would not have helped and is unfair to direct your anger about the miscarriage towards someone else (your husband or his mother).TELL your husband, though. As in tell him you need him and you need him to be more supportive next time and that includes less phone time.TEll him you and baby need him. Look, I don't know how you take this in your grief however it comes from a good place so I hope you do see it as such. Stress could not have caused this miscarriage:"An increased risk of miscarriage is NOT linked to:a mother's emotional state during pregnancy, such as being stressed or depressed " (Check out this if you wish: http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Miscarriage/Pages/Causes.aspx)Most likely reason is usually (I was told this by a doctor) a genetic fault with the foetus/baby. Whatever it is, it is normally big, big enough for your body to want to abort the foetus as it knows is no longer "viable". This language is very medical,very dehumanised, so forgive me for it. However there is a silver lining (that I hope one day you might see).If there was something so wrong with your baby, would you rather it lived so that you would not suffer like you do now?Would you rather it lived, you held it in your arms, then to only see it suffer again and again and again in front of you for every single day of the rest of his/her life???I, personally, know that I rather wouldn't. I'd rather have a happy, healthy child than a suffering,ill one (as I'm sure will all parents) and I think that my child's torture would be my torture, so I would rather it were swift and that the baby did not grow up only to suffer.Now try and think as her baby suffers (her son), she is trying to do all she can to make him feel better. As a mother you understand that?You might be right, only time will tell. But your family might be right in their suggestion too-you might just be very angry and are directing this anger at an easy target (i.e. not husband, that's a difficult target,but MIL). You've already identified you need space from people (want to go away...but why not take hubby with you? Is he not suffering too? Somewhere far away,no phones?).I think you have NOT identified,what else you REALLY need which is: grief counselling.Sorry,this was super long,but I hope it helps in some small way. My condolences are with you,x
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (16 August 2015):
 First off I'm sorry for your loss. Going through a miscarriage is hard, physically, mentally and emotionally.
I think your family is partly right, but I also think you are using your dislike for your MIL to make her to bad guy in all this. It's easier than dealing with the grief. You are lashing out. And she is the obvious target.
I think you forget that YOU are not the only one who lost something here. She lost a grandchild, just like your parents. She knows you don't like her and she is trying to SHOW concern, to care not only for her son, but you as well.
Now don't think I'm just being hard on you here. I can not even begin to imagine having to deal with a meddlesome MIL.
And part of my advice would be to use the "kill her with kindness" approach as much as possible.
If she is texting/calling your husband, and HE doesn't mind then LEARN to let it go. If he is sitting by your side at the hospital more busy texting, suggest he leaves as he is no use to you. It might make him realize that he needs to focus on you. Instead of making it about HER make it about what YOU need from him.
For her to want to be at the hospital, well sounds like she wants to be "part" of everything. And that is not needed. Same as her "sharing" your news with her other son. It's not UNREASONABLE for her to talk to her son about what is going on in the family. She would probably tell him if you bought a new car, dyed your hair purple, or had a flat tire and needed help... etc. For her... IT was just conversation. YOU may not think he needs to know (and he might agree with you, and think it's none of his business) but you... and this a major point in life... and a big part of my advice...
YOU need to realize that you CAN NOT control what other people do, say or think. YOU can not control your mother in law or your husband. HIS relationship with his mother is HIS. Just like YOUR relationship with YOUR parents is yours.
Maybe taking a week or so and spend it with people you care about (you aunt for example) then tell your husband you need to get away and you need some space, peace and quiet. He may not understand it, and I wouldn't be surprised if the MIL will try and get involved in that too. My advice let your phone go to voice-mail from her calls. If she is NOT helping you in your grief by giving you space, give it to yourself.
And if your husband asks you why, tell her you have a lot on your mind and don't need his mother to add more to it.
If you feel your MIL is such a negative impact on your marriage... then walk away, file for divorce. But I think making your MIL the SOLE reason for things falling apart is unfair of you. YOUR inability to deal with her, integrate her, accept her for WHO she is is part of it too.
Own it.
Think on it.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 August 2015):
 I don't see what your mother in law is doing so wrong either. It is her grandchild too. So should she just tell her son that it's none of his business? It's easy to say it's your hormones and your grief, but your relationship with his side of the family would continue to be unhealthy. You make it sound like she's a bad person. Maybe she's a tad bit nosy, but certainly doesn't warrant a total alienation from you.
I think you are worried about another miscarriage and is making sure that there would be minimum stress that would affect the baby. You also took it personally that others learned about your miscarriage, as if you failed as a mother. Miscarriage is common and is nothing to be shameful about. I do think time and space apart will be beneficial. I wish you best of luck for your pregnancy and also your understanding that your mother in law did not mean harm. She is just anxious about being a grandmother and didn't realize you wanted to be alone.
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