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Is my mother an alcoholic and if so what can I do about it?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Family, Health<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (25 July 2015) 4 Answers - (Newest, 29 July 2015)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

For at least the past ten years now my mom has been drinking every night. I grew up thinking it was normal (and maybe it is) to have three or sometimes more drinks a night. However, now i'm worried about it.

Even when she is sick with the flu she seems to have to have a couple of drinks. if she is busy all day and can't drink, she will drink right before bed. she hates drinking alone and always seems disapointed when somebody doesnt join her. I don't recall a day that I've spent with her where she doesnt drink.

For the past several years my mom has had health problems. Nobody knows what is wrong with her but she is constantly tired, achey and sometimes has fevers. She will go to sleep around 11 pm and wake up at 1 in the afternoon with a headache and it looks like she's been sweating all night.

Whenever I bring up the topic she becomes hurt or defensive, saying she makes her drinks very weak and doesn't drink for "the feeling of alcohol" and even when I know she is drunk, will very rarely admit to it. I'm concerned that drinking every night is affecting her health. my dad is frustrated all the time when she is sick and I can tell he doesn't want to put up with it anymore.

my sister and I have a hard time with it too, as she can be moody and confused (maybe from alcohol, maybe not)

I'm just realising things and its hard for me to come to terms with my mom possibly being an alcoholic. Does it sound like she is? Can people drink every night and not be? How do I bring it up if she is? I'm so worried for her health.

View related questions: alcoholic, drunk

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A male reader, Garbo United States +, writes (29 July 2015):

Garbo agony auntYour mother definitively fits the bill of an alcohol abuser, but I am not sure if she is an alcoholic as in dependent on it. Either way, behaviors are the same although with abusers it is easier to treat.

Abusers are ritualistic. They drink at same intervals, same amounts, same liquor in the same setting. Alcoholics bend these rules as long as they get the fix to feed the dependence. Abusers could go few days without alcohol but choose to get drunk eventually.

Abusers drink excessively because of psychological and physical reasons, or some combination thereof. On the psychological side, it could be some sort of depression or melancholy as in aging, money or some sort of mental escape.

On physiological side, the desire to drink could be nutritional substitution: your mom may lack some nutrients and gobbles alcohol as a substitute for it. You say that she is unhealthy, so that is a clue that she maybe having some nutritional deficiencies.

As Abella said, definitively get her looked at physically, cholesterol and all, but also hormonal as in her estrogen, cortisol, DHEA and other levels. Alcohol whacks all of those.

Doctors however are unable to determine nutritional deficiencies. Typically, abusers gobble liquor as substitute for energy because of the sugar in it. But if she lacks energy she is particularly deficient in following things as alcohol kills these on impact: glutamine, magnesium and vitamin B-complex. These then cause improper cell functioning that causes a snowball effect on other things such as high cholesterol-low CoQ10, low carnitine levels, reduced collagen production, lowered creatine, low melatonin levels which cause her not to sleep... List goes on.

In fact, her night sweats are a symptom of low collagen levels (and Vitamin C) because alcohol shrinks the blood vessels which causes her to sweat the alcohol out instead of get it processed internally. If these sweats also occur when she doesn't drink, than it could be a withdrawal symptom. Either way, her blood pressure is probably significantly higher which puts a strain on the heart and in absence of CoQ10, that heart is weak to handle the stress.

Being unable to sleep means not just low melatonin levels, but that the body is too busy producing glutamine to compensate the loss and glutamine is a stimulant. It also means that her cells don't function right because magnesium is flushed out so she goes awake.

Anyway, my point of the post is on strategy to get her healthy. Sure, first step should be doctor's physical, but also some psychological intervention as in building desire in her to stop abusing alcohol is important. It should be followed by nutritional intervention with a wide array of supplements in high doses of which glutamine, magnesium, collagen, CoQ10 and fish oil are a minimum (these help quell alcohol cravings). Third, getting her into gym and obtaining some muscular gains and cardio are also a must.

Finally, she needs a huge paradigm shift as in how she relates to all of you in the family and how all of you relate to her. This shift requires her to change her routine to life drastically as in to stop doing things the way she has been doing, to have more romantic affection with her husband, more alone and sober time with him, and to retain those while sober, to build new experiences with all of you and, in particular, disrupt her routine prior to what triggers her drinking. This is a family effort and not just hers so your father would have to change his disgust and give it a chance.

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (25 July 2015):

mystiquek agony auntIt certainly sounds like your mother is an alcoholic. I know first hand how devastating it is to realize someone that you love can't control their drinking. Alcoholics are very difficult people to live with and be around. My ex husband was an alcoholic and I watched him go from being a handsome, intelligent man into a sickly weak confused man who would go weeks without taking showers. My ex was given only weeks to live because of the damage that he had done to his liver. Even then he couldn't stop drinking. Alcohol takes over their life!

I will warn you..you don't have an easy mission ahead of you. Most people that drink don't think that they have a problem. They delude themself into thinking that they don't need a drink, and can quit at any time. They can't. Even when my ex was told he was dying he tried to blame things on something else, making all kinds of excuses.

You can try telling your mother that you are very concerned about her health and would she please see someone? It may work, but probably won't. You honestly can't help an alconolic. You can try to guide them, and steer them in the right direction, but ultimately they have to admit that they have a problem and want help. All the begging, pleading, trying to embarrass..all the fighting in the world won't move them if they don't want to accept their problem.

The doctors would want to do blood work and definitely a liver test/scan. Your mother may not be displaying signs yet, but if she drinks long enough, her liver will be affected. Also her pancreas, her kidneys, it may even affect her brain.

Does she eat? Most alcoholics don't. My ex could go DAYS without food. No way did he want to eat. Does she have patches of skin on her that are red, bruised? Is her skin/eyes yellow? Does she fall alot? Does she forget things? Is her speak always slurred? Is she co-herent all the time? These are signs..

I wish you well honey..its not an easy road. Alcoholics are hell to live with. Sometimes you just can't help them and you have to walk away to save your own sanity.

Is your mom abusive? My ex was both physically and mentally abusive.

I agree with Abella, you can try to get her into rehab but even then it doesn't always help. You can try to go to groups sessions for yourself. They didnt really comfort me but they work wonders for others.

I hope your mom isn't so far gone that she won't listen to your pleas for help. Good luck sweetie. If you need to talk, you can private message me. I've been there..seen that..done that. Sometimes it just feels good to know someone else understands what you are going through.

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A female reader, Abella United States +, writes (25 July 2015):

Abella agony auntFirst Try to get your mother along to her Doctor for a full check up.

You should be on strong ground in that respect as she has been ill. But "sell" it as you being worried about her health and you just need her to do this for her health to get to the cause of all her ill health attended to.'

The testing she needs would include her cholesterol, iron levels, and her liver function and her bloods. That is a start on the physical side.

Many doctors are not skilled in dealing with addictions, just identifying the possibility of the existence of that addiction.

But the doctor will surely be able to see the physical deterioration.

Your mother is already having health problems and sweating during the night. This happens to alcoholics.

She may also have an unpleasant odor that you did not want to mention.

Does she hide some bottles of alcohol in her bedroom?

She is having a hard time admitting to herself that she cannot function without alcohol.

How does she obtain her alcohol? Buy it herself and bring it home herself? Or get it delivered? Some alcoholics choose to get it delivered, then they don't have to face how desperate they are in front of a store clerk who knows that the customer is buying her third bottle of .... this week.

I grew up with alcoholic parents and I saw how it affected their health. Sadly Alcoholics Anonymous never helped. My father was well and truly an unruly argumentative alcoholic prone to losing his temper, hiding his liquor to try to make out that he did not drink all that often.

He drank daily from morning until evening. He found ways to drop in for a drink on all manner of occasions.

I used to think that my mother would never become an alcoholic due to the fact that she never appeared to drink as much as my father. Though My mother hid her drinking better, but in hindsight I realize all her secretiveness and the fact that she chose to put a lock on her bedroom door was probably because she did not want her empty bottles under her bed and in the wardrobe to be discovered.

My mother would sometimes vomit, on the way home, after a night of drinking, before she got through the front door.

Today, knowing what i know now, I would recommend that your mother also see a Cognitive Behavioral Specialist who is also skilled in addictions and alcoholism.

Cirrhosis of the liver can occur after prolonged and regular intake of alcohol. At first there can be few symptoms. Without treatment it is life threatening.

It is the cluster of symptoms that is important. One symptom alone is not Cirrhosis and ONLY a doctor can confirm the existence of this diseased, if indeed it is Cirrhosis of the Liver.

Has your mother been very slim or super skinny for a long time? Does she have the appetite of a little bird? Has she gained or lost weight very rapidly in recent times?

You have already mentioned that she is very tired and lacks energy.

Does she pick at her skin and leave scratched areas where the skin is very dry?

Ask the doctor to check her for Jaundice.

And a stool test at the Doctors will help too.

Ask the Doctor to especially confirm any issues with your mother's liver

There are many other indicators, and yes moody and confused and personality changes are key aspects of alcoholism.

Drinking before bed seems very wrong.

Your father realizes it's a problem but seems to not want to confront the issues. He probably does not want to rock the boat. And behind the scenes he is probably over pleading with your mother.

If she does not get some medical and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy counselling (CBT) soon things could be bleak.

I have not recommended Alcoholics Anonymous even though it works for many people.

My father and my mother never became reformed alcoholics, despite trying it several times.

It never stopped them drinking.

There are less expensive and more effective programs in operation to combat alcoholism that I think are the future.

Some of these newer and very successful options do recommend and make use of CBT - that is why I suggested it.

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A female reader, smeedle United Kingdom +, writes (25 July 2015):

smeedle agony auntSounds like she does have a problem with alcohol, drinking so much every night will be having an effect on her body but it does sound like she could be having some other issues maybe menopause.

If she has not been to see a doctor then she needs to see one soon as I believe they will take some blood to check her out.

Living with someone with an addiction is not easy but you can get some on line support as there are a lot of on line support groups - Google and have a look.

Your mum may also have depression, again her GP should see her to help with this.

You have to bite the bullet and just come out with it, tell her you are worried and why, tell her you have been on here and asked for help as you are so worried maybe.

Try and speak to your dad, he maybe able to persuade her to go to a doctor as that is the key to all this, she needs checking over and counselling to help with her addiction and possibly depression.

If you don't speak out then nothing will change and she will only get worse as time goes on. Good luck

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