A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi and thanks I have wrote on here before but I wasnt able to find my question.I have married a man from Africa, I'm Canadian. We met on Facebook and we have been married for 16 months. Doing a long distance relationship isnt easy but I go to Africa 3 times a year, plus we have also took a vacation together. I'm working on his visa to come to Canada. Needless to say the travel alone has become pricey. I also support him financially. He has 3 friends who stay with him and he uses the money i send for him to also support them. I have asked him to stop doing that. Their grown men and not my responsibility. He doesnt seem to listen to my comments or requests. I pay for his siblings education as well. He tells me it's very common for a man to provide for his family in africa. I pay for his moms food as well. I feel if he wants to take on this role he needs to be doing it from his own pocket and not mine. I'm getting extremely tired of money requests. When I see him, he does treat me well. Jes affectionately, loving and makes me feel like I'm loved . He even cries when I have to leave him and board my airplane. We have some arguments, their usually about money. If I dont oblige I'm called stubborn and ignored or sometimes blocked off social media until he feels like speaking to me again. In the meantime when hes doung these childish things I have time to think if this is right. He doesn't like that I'm expressive and if I have something to say that he doesnt agree with I'm told to shut up. Financially I don't want to be paying for everyone's way just because he feels I should. He feels that since hes my husband I should be helping. I dont mind helping but this is ridiculous. I should mention hes 10 years younger than myself. Has many friends which is common kn africa . Also likes expensive clothes, chains and is irresponsible with money. He doesnt think about tomorrow. Is he using me?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2018): Well done OP, the best advice i saw given to you was to stop giving him money and you would see where you really stand with him, you will get the answer based solely on that.But remember, you are young and there is no reason why you can't meet a decent man in the future, i met my boyfriend at 44 years old having been single (by choice) for 18 years after my daughters dad left when she was a baby.I hope it all works out for you, like everyone my gut feeling is he is not your future, be strong, be brave and let the truth pan out x
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (15 June 2018):
 Well done, OP; it's about time. A divorce is on the horizon and it will be what's best for you - that much is clear.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2018): Hi I'm the op
Thanks for all the feedback.
I have decided to stop giving him money and see what happens. I was trying to help him, his family but it has gotten to be expected of me and I'm not a bank.
I already told him today that I can't be helping him out financially anymore. He didn't say much to that. We will see what happens.
If he chooses to leave me then I'm okay with that because I'll know forsure what his real intentions were.
I have already cancelled our planned vacation for next month. When he can contribute then we will go...
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 June 2018):
 Money cannot buy love. If you genuinely feel that he loves you then stop the payments and see how long it will be until he gets bored with you. As his wife he should be equally looking after you and sending you money. He should not expect you to always send him money and he certainly should not ignore you and call you names when you don't. That is enough to show me that he does not love you. As you don't treat someone you love as a bank.
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female
reader, p.d632  +, writes (14 June 2018):
Hi OP,
Just as an answer to your follow-up I would like to ask you to consider your husband's actions. You say that he "begs," "messages," "calls," "tells," and "says" lots of things that make you believe he loves you. But words are simply words - try to look at the actions/efforts he puts in beyond words.
It's nice that the sex is good and that he cared for you when you were ill, but it's possible to have amazing sex with a stranger and any decent person would have cared for a visitor who flew halfway across the world to see them.
At the end of the day, even if he did love you and want to be married to you, that doesn't mean he isn't using you. That doesn't mean it's a healthy marriage just because you love each other.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2018): OP, you're just like the mistress of a married man entangled in the addictive web of an affair. You don't live in real life with this man. Whatever time you spend together is amazing and you're having fun. He's sold and hooked you on a fantasy. And as a mistress, you do know it's wrong and harmful to you but you can't break free of the addiction.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2018): OP, the follow up you provided does not surprise me. You are obsessed with this man to the point of delusion. Look at how you are defending him and your relationship!!! The guy has got you conned!!! And under lock and key!!! He uses sex to manipulate you. Everything he does is done to give you the illusion he loves you. It's all for your money.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2018): You don't seem able to see that the things he does which (almost) convince you that he is genuine - takes care of you when you are ill, always wants to be with you, his family treat you like family etc etc - are EXACTLY what he knows he needs to do to make sure he keeps getting the money. It is SO easy for unemployed people to do caring things because they, quite literally, have NOTHING else to do. If he ever did get a job and ever did become wealthy in his own right (which is highly unlikely) do you think he would do all these loving things then? I think not. He may still treat you nicely in case he needs you for a handout for a business venture or because he wants his own reputation to be protected, but inwardly he would have discarded you. I was in a similar situation for 17 years - not long distance, but with a man who treated me really badly and, alternatively, really sweetly. It took a Japanese friend of mine to see through it all. She simply said to me "Can't you see that the devil has to behave sweetly in order to spread his evil?" Okay, a bit 'religious' and a bit melodramatic, but it hit home. I was just as naive and alone as you sound - no family, no mother to advise me about anything. Wasted my best years - 20s and 30s on an idiot who treated me like dirt. Don't waste anymore time. I had years of exactly the same kind of doubts that you have. It means you can never be sure, never be certain - that state of uncertainty is EXACTLY what keeps you hooked and is EXACTLY what he wants, to keep you addicted and giving up the money to him.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 June 2018):
 Well, OP IF you really thinks he loves you why not see what would happen if you cut him off from your money? For 2-3 months? Just say you can't afford sending any. And then STICK to it. NOT a single penny. HE is a GROWN ASS man and should be able to take care of his own care, financially.
My guess is you will have your answer real quick.
And lastly, OP... Someone who tells you to shut up if you try and give them advice or suggestions... that is not a loving way to treat anyone.
Calling you every day and wanting to see you, it's nice. But you are PAYING for it, aren't you?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2018): Hi I'm the opWell, it's obviously not as cut and dry. That's why I'm slightly confused and sought some opinions. He begs to see me. He always wants me around. Which I can't do because I work. He messages me and calls me everyday. Tells me he loves me so many times everyday. He says he is looking for work but it isnt easy to get employment down there. He says he wants to be with me and is most of the time loving towards me. So yes I'm a bit confused because one part of me feels he is lying and one part sees he loves me. I know all his friends down there and they come to see me and treat me like family. I know his family as well. So, it's hard to believe hes just using me but at the same time I question if he is being genuine. The sex is very good. I got heat exhaustion down there and he took really good care of me. He wouldnt allow me to get up from bed, and helped me with whatever I needed and cooked for me.So thank you for your comments and opinions. I appreciate it...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2018): I am a Nigerian, it's in their culture for a man to support his family, and it's also in the culture for a man to support his wife not the other way round, you are being used and too blinded to see this, the man doesn't care about you. He is using you for money and you are too blind to see this clearly, once you stop sending that money he will try his best to manipulate you and if you don't cave in, he will move on to another vulnerable woman. File for divorce immediately and get some therapy
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female
reader, M.Chang  +, writes (13 June 2018):
 Hello poster.
We call people like you "Maga or Mugu" (someone who is gullible and easily deceived). Im very sure thats what you are addressed as whenever you not around.
Its obvious you being deceived. Its crystal clear. DUMP HIM ASAP OR he"ll wreck you
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female
reader, p.d632 +, writes (12 June 2018):
He is definitely using you. It is true that (in some cultures) the man might provide for his extended family, but in your situation he isn't providing for his family; you are.
At its worst, this relationship will drain you and all of the money you currently have. At best, you are dating a man who is unable or unwilling to provide you with emotional, physical or financial support. Either way, this is a situation you should remove yourself from ASAP.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2018): And i am guessing he pulls out all the stops for you when he sees you sexually so that it is even harder for you to just accept the fact that yes he is using you i am afraid.
I know being married means something and you want to believe that you have something with him but come on you know deep down this is not love and a genuine marriage on his side.
I am 44 years old and i am telling you, you are not too old to get rid of this leach and find a man who is genuine, why waste anymore years on this man when your gut is screaming the truth out at you?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2018): I'm Canadian and I am constantly receiving Facebook message requests from men in Nigeria! I delete and block every last one. Why? Because I'm smart. I know they're scammers looking to take advantage of naive, single women. They don't message women who are married. It's not because they're ethical, it's because they're looking for a wife to support them.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 June 2018):
 Prompted by your post, I did some reading about romance scams and I found out something curious : Canadians seem to be particularly prone to become victims of one. This year Canadians have been bilked out of 17 - 18 millions dollars, but the police says that this is just the tip of the iceberg, because only a small minority gets to report the scam or press charges, probably due to feelings of shame. And yes, younger African males figure prominently in these stats.
Even the Mounties have issued cautionary guidelines to prevent people getting involved in online dating scams !
You can contact CAFC ( Canadian Anti-Fraud Centre ) for infos,advice and support .
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2018): Why would you come back here twice asking the same question?
What part of yes, he is using you did you not understand the first time?? The answers aren't going to change the second time.
You are so lonely and desperate that you'll let him keep using you. You are in denial. I feel sorry for you. Such a shame.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (11 June 2018):
I remember you posting about your African husband before and I will say the same now as I did then, it is obvious he is scamming you and I think you no that deep down but you are lonely and you want to believe that this man loves you. You need to gain more confidence and realize that you can do so much better than this, what are you getting out of this?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2018): Im sorry but it sounds like he's scamming you. Stop sending him money and see what happens. If he loves you he will keep talking to you and trying to move to Canada to be with you off his own back. If not then I'm afraid he doesn't love you. It really does sound like a con though
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (11 June 2018):
 If it is common in Africa for a man to provide for his family, then that is what he should do. It is NOT common for someone to scam someone into providing for their family and friends and for financing their extravagant lifestyle.
Sweetheart, you must KNOW you are being scammed. I am sure he cries when you are leaving. I too would cry if lots of money depended on me convincing you I loved you.
You are a grown woman. Open your eyes. You know what is happening here.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2018): You should tell him ,'Hit the road jack, don't you come back no mo'. With the courtesy of Ray Charles.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2018): You should stop sending the money. You are not married. You are indebted to a man who has scammed you. I don't know if you bother to listen to the advice you receive. All you have to do is stop. He can't do a thing. You married him out of nothing more than desperation. Now you're asking for advice that you most likely will not put into use; although simply not giving him money is the answer.
My answers are long and well thought-out. This is as long as it gets for this situation.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (10 June 2018):
So, he is " bad and boujee ", uh ? ( sorry about the hip hop reference which I guess will go lost on the Canadian OP, but I couldn't resist : this story is straight out some gangsta video, with a group of young males , all bedecked in Gucci finery and gold neck chains, living it up and partying big time with the money of some poor " ho " who works her a** off to support their " boujee " lifestyle, and if she dares to complain she just gets : Shut up, b...h.)
So, are you asking again if he is taking advantage of you ? If he is using you ? I thought we all told you the last time, and the general consensus was : You bet ! No doubt about it.
But you enable him, though. He has not changed his stance of one iota, but you haven't changed yours, you still keep objecting first , but then yielding to all his requests. Because you are afraid of his blackmails. If you don't do what he wants , he just cuts you off and blocks you. I mean, are you kidding ? Is this a marriage ? He is your husband ! , not some fickle crush of yours in middle school. A husband who says " buy me this buy me that " and if you refuse- he just ghosts you ??
It makes no sense, and to me it makes no sense how you can still wonder IF he is exploiting you . Of course he is, and without much finesse, too.
I get the feeling that you sort of want to find him
" cultural " excuses , but … no, it does not work.
First, supposing that he tells the truth and this is the true African way, for which a man MUST take care of all his relatives ( and friends too ,I suppose ) : well, why doesn't he do precisely that ? Why doesn't HE go to work and take care of YOU , who now are a very important member of his family too ? ( and maybe of your parents and siblings as well; if it works in one way, i.e. you try and provide for his relatives , why does it not work the some the other way, with him trying to provide for yours ? )
Second, frankly, who gives a hoot about the African way. If he prefers to live according to his own culture, as he has certainly the right to do if so he wishes- then, though ,he should not have narried a Canadian woman who lives in Canada and should not even consider emigrating to Canada.
Because the Canadian way on Canadian land is that both men and women go to work , and work their asses off to carry on together their family- which is composed first of all by their spouse and children and THEN , if income and circumstances allow, of other people.
Of course, if we want to be open minded and multicultural, and most of all if we want a marriage that's not a tug-of-war or a battle for who's on top, we may have to compromise, to integrate mentalities. But your husband refuses to do a single effort in that sense ; like, for instance, ok helping out mom, but the friends need to go and to pay for their expenses.
Yeah right. It did not happen and it won't ever happen, as long as you say no and do yes ( keep shelling out money to let the boys have it easy ).
Yes, he is using you shamelessl- and I think you realized it already, even at the time of your previous post.
I guess the real question of your post is not " is he using me ? " ( ...how can you have doubts about that ? ) but : is he ONLY using me ? Doesn't he also by any chance have for me some feelings of affection, of tenderness, of devotion etc. ? who knows, OP. Maybe. As for me, I certainly would not bet on it ( I have seen and heard of too many cases like yours ) but I cannot honestly sort it out. After all, things are never all black or all white. A broke , underprivileged young male with a taste for the fine things in life may set out on purpose to get himself a nice meal ticket under the guise of a foreign wife. But of course he might also develop an attachment , a sincere liking for his meal ticket, for his golden egg goose : the two things are not necessarily mutually exclusive, so who knows. ( Closing at once the money tap and seeing what happens then, would provide a reliable answer ,but apparently you at the moment are afraid of doing it- maybe you sense that the answer would not be of your liking ).
Anyway I wonder : would it make a difference ? Should it make a difference, if he actually loves you ?
I.e. suppose that he does love you with all his heart ( for sure, he has a weird way to show it ,though, with his selfishness , insensitivy and constant demands ) - does love justify ANY self destructive foolishness, any sin against OURSELVES ? Do you really want, in the name of love,meet hardships and make sacrifices to support forever a bunch of entitled strangers ? do you really want for the rest of your life , be the indulgent mom ( this is what you basically are now , rather than a wife ) of a greedy ,spoiled grown up child ? Can you really live with someone who has such a total, contemptous disregard for your best interest ?
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (10 June 2018):
I'd also like to point out that, not once in your post did you mention love. Maybe you did in your other one, but I'm glad you didn't in this one because, when writing this post, your feelings of love went out the window. That's how it should be because he is using you, as I said in my first response.I really am sorry, OP, but you can't be too naive to know this needs to stop and you need to get rid of him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2018): I am from Africa and regardless of what you think. African men are often providers and protectors of their families. My husband gets offended when I receive a gift from my family, he feels even if it's something small he should provide.Your husband is caught up in this trending cycle and you are his vehicle to accomplish those things. I say hold of the giving of money to everyone including him for 3 months. See what his attitude is like. In the meantime get some support structure to help you not to cave in.
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (10 June 2018):
 Yes, absolutely.
How are you even questioning this? What kind of relationship revolves around continuously sending the other partner money? If HE is supposed to provide for his family then why are YOU doing it? You’re being taken for a mug and accepting it.
You’re financing this mans lifestyle and all he has to do is say ‘I love you’ to keep you sweet. Sounds like a good deal on his end.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2018): Oh YES my dear, he is absolutely USING YOU. And I have to tell you, this really angers me.He must be quite the CHARMER!!!!I have heard of men like this from Africa and other countries pulling similar scams on gullible, trusting, naïve women to support them. And you are also supporting friends!!!????He actually tells you to SHUT UP if he doesn't agree with you??? WHAAAAAAAAAAAT????? He should shut his mouth and kiss the ground you walk on for finding such a good, kind and unfortunately for you, KIND soul who is doing so much for him. It is not everyday you will land this kind of a person in your life.I cannot stand people who are ungrateful and cold and evil like him. Using other people for their own gain. And not once feeling bad or guilty about something like that. All four of them are living the high life thanks to you. And they are all treating you like trash. Well, that is because THEY ARE TRASH!!!Sweetheart, what I suggest you do is talk to your lawyer immediately. First thing tomorrow. STOP giving this piece of shit and his piece of shit friends any more money. Cut them off cold.You have a kind heart. Clearly you think the best of people and maybe you are a lonely place in your life and you fell for this guy's act. Not everybody in the world is kind like you. Not everybody in the world has good intentions like you. A lot of people are cold snakes who use others for their own gain. Many of us good hearted people are taken advantage of everyday.But once we know this, we put a stop to it. Immediately. So, we all make mistakes. Let's not beat ourselves up over it. You have a chance to fix it and move on. So, please, fix it. It is not too late. You know in your heart that he is using you and treating you terribly and that is what brought you here. I doubt you will have one single poster responding that he loves you, to keep giving him money and that you will live happily ever after.Now that you know the collision course with disaster that you are on, I strongly suggest you put your feelings aside; in fact kill them. This is no marriage. You are just his sugar momma. Long distance relationships are challenging under the most ideal conditions. Here you have a con artist and user, a man who tells you to shut up when you challenge him and a man who is not in your life everyday. Red flags are waving all over the place. You could have your very own United Nations of RED FLAGS here. It is a good thing he is not in your life. It is a good thing he's far away. It makes it that much easier to cut him off cold.It is so clear that he is using your money to buy his expensive shit. Well, no, why would he think about tomorrow? He has you to do that. He has no worries in the world. You are his retirement plan. So, he is not worried. At all. But you SHOULD be!!Did you work this hard in life to loose all your money on this bad gamble? I suspect you are an intelligent woman. You are blinded by infatuation. Well, it's time to take the blinders off. Back to reality. He needs to go. Like yesterday.As I said, talk to your lawyer tomorrow. Get this marriage ANNULED. You owe him nothing. No explanation. No money. NOTHING. Then change all your contact info so he can never again get a hold of you and block him everywhere.His gravy train has crashed. Let him try to find his next naïve victim. Hopefully he never does.As for you, you will be much better off without him.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 June 2018):
Honestly?
Yes, I think he is using you. You pay for him and 3 of his friend. his mom's food AND his siblings education.
Just saying... I would "love" you long time if you did that for me! I would certainly cry when you go home... Because I'd be smart enough to figure out that the tears will induce you to keep giving me money.
He doesn't work, he doesn't CARE what you think he should use YOUR money for, yet "claim" that the MAN provide in Africa yet is he JUST fine with LEACHING of you, a woman.
You write: "He doesn't like that I'm expressive and if I have something to say that he doesnt agree with I'm told to shut up."
And then DO you shut up? And keep giving him money?
OP, are you so desperate for a husband that you buy some African toy-boy? That you become a "sugar-momma" to this guy, his friends and family?
Considering ALL the things you COULD do with your heard earned money.. THIS is what you choose? To buy a "husband" who does NOTHING for you except "treat you well when you see him" - but obviously when you DON'T see him he tells you to shut up, he ignores advice and he MILKS you for every penny he can.
Are you sure your marriage certificate is even legal?
There are SO many people being scammed in "Romance Scam" especially done by men from Africa.
https://www.fbi.gov/audio-repository/news-podcasts-thisweek-african-romance-scams.mp3/view
(yes, it's info from the FBI - you should listen to it)
Also STD's are HIGH in Africa - have you been tested after having been with this man?
Do you REALLY know that the money you send goes to the things (such as his siblings schools and mom's food)? Or is that what he is TELLING you the money goes to?
You have married a man you barely know. What do you think will happen when he comes (IF he ever will come to Canada) - do you see him getting a job in Canada? Doing what exactly? OR will he just continue to USE you for all you got?
https://www.scamwatch.gov.au/types-of-scams/dating-romance
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/romance-scams-online-fbi-facebook_us_59414c67e4b0d318548666f9
OP, I think you already knows what's going on. The fact that you are here asking if he is using you... means you know he is and you have ignored all the red flags for what you think is "love".
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (10 June 2018):
Oh, OP. Where has your common sense gone? Divorce him. Now.HE is a grown man. You are NOT responsible for him. You say his friends are grown men and should support themselves, but so should HE!Not only that, but he's 10 years younger, you met on Facebook and only meet 3 times per year with YOU footing the bill. YES, you are being used.YOU are working on his VISA, not him. You are paying for his expenses, not him. You are supporting him and his friends, not him and them.He doesn't care about you or he would not be paying for his friends with YOUR money. STOP sending him any. If he doesn't complain AT ALL and just gets a job to support himself, then maybe this marriage could last, but it's highly unlikely.What does he have to offer you? What does he have to offer as a Canadian citizen? Nothing, by the sounds of it.I'm sorry, OP, but you've just been buying yourself a husband who actually has no interest in you. He is abusive ("shut up", "buy me things", "pay for my friends", etc.) and BLOCKING YOU on social media. This is no MARRIAGE; it's a SHAM.Stop sending him ANY money and find a lawyer who can end this marriage. You've been scammed, OP. Time to end this.
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