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Is my husband's relationship with his co-worker appropriate? Or am I over reacting?

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 April 2011) 11 Answers - (Newest, 7 May 2011)
A female United States age , *oz writes:

I am 61 and my husband is 68. For the past year he has had a close relationship friends he says with a co worker. He lies when she calls because he knows I think it is inappropriate. He hides her number in his cell phone and on one occasion someone made a comment about her being man like and he looked at her breast in front of me and said mmmmm....I don't think so! When she has called at the house on occasion she says I love you when she hangs up. When she is going to see him driving a bus to a field trip together she calls and lets him know. He told me I am a horses ass and through his hand towards me to give me the blow off. I feel disrespected and do not feel this is an appropriate behavior for a married man. Am I over reacting. I don't feel insecure with my body or my looks so am I expecting too much.

Thanks

View related questions: co-worker, I love you, insecure, married man

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A female reader, Doz United States +, writes (7 May 2011):

Doz is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I believe he has seen the error of his ways and understands it is OK to have an aquaintance with her, but let her know to back off with her exuberance towards him. He will no longer be available for this emotional affair. He was truely embarrassed with the answers you all gave and since reading them cannot do enough to make it up to me. Flowers,etc. He has always been a caring husband, just loves attention from other woman.(Raised with 2 sisters and a single mom)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2011):

Doz, although i wanted to respond, did not initially but just to say, I am glad the Aunts here gave you valuable advise. I think it actually saved your marriage. is your hb still close friends with this female or is he trying to slowly wean himself off her?

LoveGirl

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A female reader, Doz United States +, writes (4 May 2011):

Doz is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Friends,

All is well in the Doz house once again. Thank you for the out pouring of great advice which my husband did agree to read. He was genuinely sorry and embarrassed. I do believe we brought the matter to a close with your help.

Thanks so much!

Doz

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (3 May 2011):

So_Very_Confused agony aunthis behavior is one of guilt. he knows his feelings and his behavior are not in line with appropriate behavior in a closed marriage.

his behavior to you is becoming emotionally abusive.

your choices:

make him stop (and if he refuses you must leave)

or accept it and make it part of your marriage... (which will either thrill him or disgust him... maybe you should develop a close relationship with this woman)....

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A female reader, Doz United States +, writes (3 May 2011):

Doz is verified as being by the original poster of the question

To all that have helped me with my dilemma,thank you for your advice. Divorce and leaving is not an option and unfortunately he refuses to work through the problem with me. If he won't talk about it and continues to say it is all in my imagination than she is here to stay. We have been married 16 years and I have been devoted to him. You see I am a caregiver and we put up with a lot. I needed to know if I was wrong with my feelings and so you all have helped to clarify that. There is nothing I can do, but live with his on going flirtations, great need to be excepted and his ego stroked by her and other younger or forward acting women he comes in contact with. This is his way of having constant feed back that he is OK. I do believe he is just feeding his insecurities at my expense.

Doz

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A female reader, Manya United States +, writes (2 May 2011):

I don't know if it's time for you to leave, but it's clearly time to address the matter with him in person. Approach this gently and firmly, but you have to let him know that it's painful to you. If he loves you, he will find a way to back off from her.

It seems like he clearly has affection for this woman and they are close, which is clearly painful in the extreme for you!! But he's not physically cheating with her, and so it's not adultery, but as other aunts have said, it is emotional cheating.

They say that marriage is a marathon, rather than a footrace, and it may be that for the moment, something she has is important to him, perhaps stuff at work is their commonality, but maybe it's not anything truly threatening in the long run.

Please write back again and let us know what happens!

Manya

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A female reader, person12345 United States +, writes (2 May 2011):

person12345 agony auntHe knows what he's doing is inappropriate and wrong, and at this point he doesn't even care that you know he's having some form of affair. There is no respect in this marriage, it's time to leave.

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A female reader, Doz United States +, writes (1 May 2011):

Doz is verified as being by the original poster of the question

No my husband did not hit me just threw his hands at me in a downward way like he was saying the hell with you get lost.

I tried to talk to him about this and he repeatedly tells me to shut up! and slams around the house. He is more angry at me than I am hurt at him??? Go figure....

He watches a lot of Christian shows, but feels I am crazy for feeling disrespected and hurt. When she has called he hides the fact because he knows I feel she should not call the house. I always know because he says byeeee in a sweet soft voice like he does for me on occasion, his sister or daughter. He does not talk to any other co-workers in this endearing way.

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A female reader, Tbosse South Africa +, writes (30 April 2011):

Tbosse agony auntEmotional affair.sit him down,explain to him that you dislike his friendship with 'his' co worker.if he stil continue, Period!

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A female reader, person12345 United States +, writes (30 April 2011):

person12345 agony auntNo this is totally inappropriate to have a secret relationship with a female coworker. He's just flipping the blame on you so you'll get off his back. Saying I love you at the end of the call and staring at he breasts in front of you? It may be time to leave this guy to his little, whatever it is. Even if he's not physically cheating, this is without question an emotional affair.

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A male reader, doublejack United States +, writes (30 April 2011):

No, you're not overreacting at all. Your husband is clearly crossing the line with his coworker, and it doesn't really matter if they have a physical relationship because at the very least he is emotionally cheating on you. Hiding her number, lying to you about contact with her, that's not acceptable behavior. He has broken your trust and continues to disrespect you.

I've been through this myself. My ex-wife carried on affairs with several of her coworkers. I saw all the same signs. Trust me, believe what your instincts are telling you. You've known your husband for how long now? You aren't misreading him, he is foolish enough to believe he can cover up his tracks and sell you a song & dance.

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