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Is my girlfriend just the sluttiest girl on the planet???

Tagged as: Dating, Friends, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (3 August 2010) 23 Answers - (Newest, 7 August 2010)
A male United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

Do girls ever like "having a train pulled on them?". My girlfriend has had a very lurid sexual past, as have all her close friends. She unveiled all this to me soon after we had said, "I love you.". I have been dealing with some jealousy/maybe a tinge of disgust at times. But, I have been no saint either, so i am mostly ok with what she has done.

One bit I am struggling with.

She told me an experience her close friend had where a group of 6 frat guys pulled a train on her when she was drunk at a party. The girl initially claimed she passed out. Over time she revealed the truth: while she was drunk, she did not pass out. She started to cry after it was over, but the guys consoled her, and shortly after, they started up again, and she did each of them a second time. She described the situation as guys actually lined up, with their junk out, waiting their turns. She said in the end it was the wildest thing she had ever done and she liked it.

Cut to my GF. She became intrigued with this story, and had an inkling to do it herself. Eventually, she allowed a situation to happen where two guys she didn't know pull a train on her at a party (she has consensual sex with one, he went out the room and told his buddy to go in, and she pretended not to know it was a different guy, and did him too.

I had never imagined girls actually enjoyed having a train pulled on them. I have seen it happen at a party or two, but never participated because I thought it was akin to rape. Who knew it was consensual, and perhaps even orchestrated by the girls. Have you all ever heard of this, or is my GF and her set just the sluttiest girls on the planet?

View related questions: drunk, jealous, sexual past

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A male reader, Celby United States +, writes (7 August 2010):

Celby agony auntIf you stay with her it her past will drive you crazy!!! Get out of it and get back to normality!!!

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A male reader, Cerberus Ireland + , writes (4 August 2010):

Cerberus agony auntObviously the idea of this kind of group sex has had a polarizing effect on the Aunts/Uncles here.

Two schools of thought, one that it is a vile disgusting act that can only be classified as rape it's so dirty and the other that it's an orgy and a harmless fantasy fulfilled.

At the end of the day OP, if you belong to one of these schools of thought and your girl belongs to another then perhaps you're just not really that compatible.

I tried to advise from the perspective of reconciliation and trying to find a way for you to get past this and stay with this girl, but perhaps this act is just too far beyond your own moral principles for that to happen.

The choice is simple really, if you want to continue with this girl then you have to find a way of at least understanding why she did it, perhaps you might have a different view or can see it at least as a mistake or an experimentation that she will not repeat. Other than that, there really is nothing else to say.

You've seen enough different viewpoints on the subject, to know that some see what she did as wrong, others don't. Either way there is nothing wrong with how you feel, but only you can decide whether you want to change that or not.

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A female reader, Gabrielle Stoker United States +, writes (4 August 2010):

Gabrielle Stoker agony auntWell, no, not the 'sluttiest girls on the planet'. That's very extreme. More like a 'slutty moment', if we must give it a label.

I've been in this sort of thing, though I didn't know the terminology. (Always thought 'orgy' or 'gangbang' fit the bill pretty well. Wouldn't have brought trains into the thing.) Picturesque. Must remember that next time it happens.

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A female reader, GettingInYourBizness United States +, writes (4 August 2010):

GettingInYourBizness agony auntI just wanted to mention, the OP's fears about being accused of rape even though consensual at that time is VERY valid:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/09/16/hofstra-rape-student-lied_n_289473.html

College girl gets a 5 man train pulled on her, all consensual at the time, than in no time she accuses all 5 of rape. That link or google, "Hofstra rape."

The men even spend time in jail, get expelled from college, names tarnished, etc. Even though it's been proved that it was false, they still live with the repercussions of the label, rapist.

They were all on a day time talk show, Steve Wilkos, and like he said, if they had some better character and judgment they would of never been in that situation.

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A male reader, Serpico United States +, writes (4 August 2010):

Fact of the matter - the moment I heard of such a story Id be out the door so fast itd make her head spin.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010):

It doesn't matter if it was an orgy, a train...whatever it is called..it's still disrespectful and "slutty" for both the men and women invovling themselves in such acts.

I wouldn't think about having anything long term with this woman right now esp. if she is in the same age group you are in (36-40). If she did this sort of thing while in her teens or early 20's....you could probably give her a pass, but if she is older than that and still pulling these sorts of stunts, I don't know if I would want to continue dating her. The choice is yours....maybe you love her enough to stay and "see" where things go.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010):

Good lord, this thread makes my head spin.

* * * Legally speaking, there is absolutely no difference between what the OP describes and a terrible gang rape * * *

A girl is totally wasted and incapacitated while a gang of guys use her like a piece of meat. Maybe the girl didn't cry foul later on when she sobered up in these cases. But there is NO WAY for any guy in the OP's position to have any real assurance of that consent whatsoever at the time it's happening. And any judge would throw out those claims of consent on the idea that she was too incapacitated to give it anyway.

So listen up, the rest of you - you'd all be calling for this guy's head on a plate if the girls in one of the sessions that he declined to participate in had sobered up and cried foul later on.

YOU'D ALL WANT HIS HEAD ON A FUCKING PLATE, ADMIT IT! FOR EXACTLY THE SAME ACTIONS THAT YOU ARE DEFENDING RIGHT NOW!

(No wait, it's worse than just defending those actions - some of you are actually CRITICIZING the OP for not being "open minded" enough to approve of and join in! WHAT THE FUCK?!?)

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A female reader, GettingInYourBizness United States +, writes (3 August 2010):

GettingInYourBizness agony auntYour last post wasn't there when I answered the question, when you stated you would never do it.

Sorry.

Your Q: Is this is just a matter of enjoying a fantasy, why the need to pretend you are wasted or passed out?

Not to be judged, it all goes back to the sexual equality topic. Although I don't agree with Cerberus's personal views he is right about why she's saying she was drunk.

I don't know how long you've been dating, if you love this chick and think she's the one, and want a future with her, the only thing you can do is get over it and hopefully she can stay committed. If family is something you ever want, you have to realize your kids will probably be raised with different values than you have.

Your values are obviously different from hers.

You say: I have no attraction to the idea of having sex with someone whom I haven't even spoken to, let alone a random line up of them.

You mention her friend says this: She said in the end it was the wildest thing she had ever done and she liked it.

There's no remorse, etc. So it's pretty clear where she stands on sex and love.

I know that's her FRIEND but she followed their lead, still are friends with them, she probably has the same outlook. If you hang with the same people, you're going to get painted the same color.

I'm not saying there has to be guilt, but it would be a different story in your situation if it was more like, "something I tried and it was a mistake." THEN you'd both might be on the same page.

This is one of those things, if the kitchen is too hot to handle, get the hell out. You'll meet a lot of people in life, it's your choice to weed out who goes and who stays. Everyone has their own set of standards on how they judge that.

Also on sexual equality, personally I hold men and women to the same standard. Woman or man, they'll be held accountable.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010):

How can you even look at her knowing she's done something like that?

Why did she even tell you? I could never tell my boyfriend such a thing, I'd be ashamed.

I'm afraid she has no respect for herself.

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A male reader, Cerberus Ireland + , writes (3 August 2010):

Cerberus agony auntThe need to say they were drunk or passed out is to protect themselves against people with your opinion of what they did.

You're having a very hard time getting your head around this, which is something most people would. So saying they were drunk or passed out kind of excuses them a little, it lessens the idea of them being sluts in the minds of others.

It is unfortunate that society is that way, because I can tell you personally and with most guys I know, if we'd the chance to have an orgy with loads of women we'd jump at it and tell everyone that would listen that we did.

It would be a badge of honour and most guys would be jealous. Unfortunately for girls that have the same fantasy the opposite is true. While you may be open minded enough to not expect a woman to be pure, you still can't accept that she would have liked to be in that kind of orgy.

In my mind it should be acceptable for women to act out their fantasies without being judged as impure or a slut. Some women like licking feet, some like to enact rape fantasies, others like to cover themselves in excrement. While they're not to my taste, I would never judge a person that liked them. Society would tend to judge a man less on his fantasies, like that's just the way we are and it's okay.

You know this yourself, you're a guy, you have guy friends who talk about sex, women more often than not have to be a lot more covert about it because they're still expected to be pure. They're supposed to be mothers and homemakers only having clean sex in long term relationships, anything esle and they're seen as sluts. That's just wrong.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010):

Dude, sorry but this is not the girl for you. I don't care what people say. Having a one night stand when single is normal and brother I've had alot of them myself, but I know what a train is and that's a slut plain and simple. This one's going to do a number on you if you stay with her. You will drive yourself crazy with jealousy and nervousness. Soon it will impact your life and you will be a shell of a man when she finally tells you she cheated on you or just breaks it off because she wants to screw many other people. Let this one go and find someone more stable in themselves.

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A female reader, GettingInYourBizness United States +, writes (3 August 2010):

GettingInYourBizness agony auntSerenity80, Rescuer (and Cerebus, on you being open to doing it minus the rape factor) gave some good advice.

Basically, relationships are about values.

I read your post, you seem to be okay with it, and if it was switched like in Cerebus' example you'd probably do it (MFFFFF+) and most likely do it if it was for sure a consensual thing as a FMMMM+. I feel you're about almost on the same page on values as your GF (however saying you'd so something vs actually doing it are 2 different things also, only you'd know the answer on that).

It's hard to get an answer on what's right or wrong to questions like this because people have their own character and moral codes/values.

What one labels as slutty/immoral another person would describe as being free, liberated, sexually aware, etc.

Cultural influences, upbringing, maybe even personality, etc - all influence how a person feels about these things.

No matter how much logic someone can bring to an argument like, it's all about personal opinion - make sense?

I just re-read your question and noticed your age (for some reason, I thought you were way younger, like 18-22). You mention frat parties/etc seems like this is just really old stuff in her past.

If you feel she's slutty only because she's female and has done this (yet you would do the same exact thing), I don't care what anyone else will ever say, there will NEVER be sexual equality on these things so although it may not be right it's understandable but don't ever forget you're in the SAME boat and are no better (you ask if it's slutty, so obviously somewhere you do agree there is some self-respect being questioned).

+++I'm going to get flamed for answering this, but since YOU'RE specifically asking aunts/uncles personal opinion on: "is my GF and her set just the sluttiest girls on the planet?"+++

By my values, they sure are.

But hopefully what's good enough for the goose is good for the gander and they get paired with people of equally low moral/values.

Just my 2 cents.

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A male reader, Odds United States +, writes (3 August 2010):

Odds agony auntYou're girlfriend is not the *biggest* slut on the planet; however, she is extremely poor girlfriend material. These acts are uncommon but not unheard of. The majority of girls have *not* had sex with more than two other people at once (not sure how common threesomes of either variety are, though).

Acts like these, unfortunately, are either the symptom or the cause of changes in her brain chemistry that basically destroy her ability to pair-bond. While guys can and do suffer similar damage, the effects are stronger on women. This is a relic of our evolutionary past, where this sort of sex could lead to single motherhood - a near-certain death sentence for cavewomen. This damage means she is far more likely to cheat on you - and, paradoxically, more likely to cut you off from sex once she gets comfortable in your relationship.

If you stay with her, she will leave you the moment she finds a better option - if she does not leave you, it is only because the opportunity has not arisen, and not because she is actually faithful. Additionally, stories like this are never found in isolation. If this is the wildest thing she has ever done, the second wildest can still be pretty bad. She has certainly had a promiscuous past, and while women today are free to do so, men are also free (and wise) to declare past promiscuity a deal-breaker.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Sorry, got cut off there

I this is just a matter of enjoying a fantasy, why the need to pretend you are wasted or passed out?

And again no, no matter how much yo want to paint this as a double standard thing - I have Jo attraction to the idea of having sex with someone whom I haven't even spoken to, let alone a random line up of them. So my question. Is not rooted in jealous thoughts of wish g it were me

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Sorry, got cut off there

I this is just a matter of enjoying a fantasy, why the need to pretend you are wasted or passed out?

And again no, no matter how much yo want to paint this as a double standard thing - I have Jo attraction to the idea of having sex with someone whom I haven't even spoken to, let alone a random line up of them. So my question. Is not rooted in jealous thoughts of wish g it were me

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010):

Well, no. This does not have anything to do with me wanting her to be virginal or pure. Both of us have had our fair share of sex, one night stands , etc. Nor is it simple jealousy / double standard stuff, e.g. I wished I could do it

The fact is I have been in the situation several times where I have had the opportunity to join in. dude, it's your turn". I said no, for the reasons I gave. Having sex with someone, who doesn't even know who you are, and who is either wasted, or pretending to be - is wholly unappealing to me.

I assumed it was unappealing to most

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010):

Bravo, Cerberus

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A male reader, Cerberus Ireland + , writes (3 August 2010):

Cerberus agony auntYour outlook on the act is common, don't worry your perception is not unusual again because it's considered taboo.

Actually it is an orgy, having sex with a group of people whether they lined up, whether they pleased each other too, stood on their head or did front flips or whatever, it's still an orgy. You can call it a roasting, a train or even a roller coaster all you like it's still just group sex.

The girl doesn't choose the guys because it's never pre-arranged, how many girls do you know would ever organize something like this, as in call around and see which guys want to do it and then organize to meet them somewhere. None that's who.

It's something that happens in the heat of the moment, when the opportunity arises. Again this all to do with the taboo aspect. Very few women will want to seem to like that kind of thing because it's frowned upon.

Frankly I think you are of the opinion that women should be virginal and pure, that they couldn't possibly like to be promiscuous or fulfill fantasies like that. You still can't even get your head around the fact that it's not rape, like how could any woman want this?

You avoided my question by the way when I asked you if it was you that had an orgy, would it make a difference if the women lined up? or took turns? No it wouldn't, you'd still be the envy of any guy that found out you had sex with 6 girls at once even if they did only take turns. Well your girlfriend deserves the same respect, just because she's a woman and in your mind is supposed to be pure and not have sexual fantasies of having multiple guys in one time, doesn't mean it was wrong of her to do it.

There's no question of consent here, because she wanted, it would have been rape if she didn't or said no and they did it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Just to clarify. This is not an orgy. Rather, guys lined up to take their turn. I always viewed this as akin to rape because, from what I can tell, the girl doesn't choose the guys, they don't ask, they just line up and go "next". I am not sure how one would define "consent" under such circumstances. I have only heard of it in the context of a girl getting very drunk atba party, and was just floored to hear that my GF planned it, and her friend, while not planning it, both really got off on doing it. I always assumed when this was happening that it was a girls worst nightmare, and something she would probably resent having "happened to her" for the rest of her life. Then to find out that girls are not always the "victim" of this stuff, and maybe even the "mastermind" for want of a better term, just shocked me. I wonder how common that outlook on this act is?

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A male reader, serenity80 United Kingdom +, writes (3 August 2010):

To be honest I don't think I could be with a girl who had done something like that.

But likewise, I'm not a who wants to do it to a girl either, so that would explain I would see it as way slutty.

For many people it's important to have similar sexual experiences. Maybe you're one of those people.

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A female reader, cocoqueen88 United States +, writes (3 August 2010):

cocoqueen88 agony auntI think girls are allowed to have slutty moments.... trains are a little extreme but hey what ever floats your boat. i've known women who have this fantasy but most would never actually do it.

i don't think she's a slut she may just like sex. nothing wrong with that. but at the same time if that is the case then maybe you should rethink the relationship and find somebody who is more compatable to your sexual needs.

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A male reader, Cerberus Ireland + , writes (3 August 2010):

Cerberus agony auntYeah I've heard of it lots of times. Google 'roasting' and you'll see how common it is. It's a fantasy of many women but most never get to do it because it would make them seem slutty or have the same kind of reaction from people as you are having now.

Why do you think she pretended not to know it was a different guy, or why her friend pretended she had passed out?

It's a very taboo thing to do, because while lots of girls would love to do it, it's seen as dirty and disgusting. You yourself even compared it to rape.

Look women are prone to same urges as we are. I'm sure you, like many of us guys, have had the fantasy of being in an all girl orgy, you as the only man and all the women giving you all the attention, I call it the harem fantasy and it's a good one. Well it works the same for women, it's just an orgy but with all guys, focusing all their attention on the woman.

Let me ask you this, if you'd had sex with about 5-6 girls all at the same time, would you consider that dirty? How would other guys react when you told them that you did? Well it should be no different for girls who have done that and wanted to.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010):

Dude! This is not normal sexual behavior. If she's still into bs like that, I recommend that you drop her and find your self a partner with self-respect. No woman with self-respect (or men) would allow "having a train pulled on them".

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