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Is my female boss taking advantage? She wants me to provide her with sex. What can I do?

Tagged as: Sex, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 December 2012) 7 Answers - (Newest, 1 January 2013)
A male India age 30-35, anonymous writes:

it is with big pain and confusion I write this. I have never told this to any one.

I have been away for a month for work and my boss (female, may be around 38-40) was also there. Though she was my boss, we were in good friendship.

As the bed was big enough - she aksed me to stay with her. I just accepted without any hesitation (mistake-1). it went on like that. She started telling about her family, her relatives, about petty problems at her family, later she told me about her secrets of her family life. I just listened.

She started complaining about her pain, this time I understood what it is. I started massaging... one after another we united.

Next day was difficult. I ran away from room to mine. That evening I stayed at my room.

The next day, we did not talk and evening she told me to join her room. I went there and told it is better I stay in mine (I should have told this well in advance).

Her reaction was furious, she yelled at me and scolded me for keeping away. She stated that it is all normal, it is nobody's mistake ...

Coming to my own problem. I understand below things:

1. I enjoyed having a good time (sex).

2. I were used by her.

3. She does not want to be blamed.

4. She wants to continue this.

5. She considers this as a physical stuff and no love.

My pain is, I were just like a male prostitute. I just got used. I cannot respect myself now. I became too innocent to believe her acts as a freedom to wards a friend and a very young person. I though she was considering me as a young brother.

Ladies, please understand that men too have a feel of chastity. I know, if I were acting in time... . But I did not expect that this was her intend.

View related questions: my boss, prostitute

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A female reader, R1 United Kingdom +, writes (1 January 2013):

R1 agony auntI don't think you were used in this situation. You both made a mistake though. You were the one who enjoyed the sex and then did not want to continue the relationship further, she could feel that you used her! Just because someone is your boss does not mean they have power over you over everything. Did she threaten to fire you or make your life difficult if you didn't have sex?!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2012):

All are valuable feed backs. I decide to change my job, just silently. no complaints. I wanted to open my heart to someone. I wanted to shout this out.

I never expected a woman would exploit a guy, sexually.

I did not tell the whole thing in detail.

- what do a I do when a person weeps out of pain.

- what do I do when she started making sexy noises after sometime of my touch.

- I understand that I still would have stopped, but I was not able to. I got charged.

- There are many things which happened in past; now I am able to read it in connection.

- She was trying to gain my attention(sexually) for the past year.

- Once she sat near me and touched my thigh. I thought she felt it safe for her to be free. To be free as a friend or a brother.

- while in her room she used to prepare herself for bath in front of me.

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A female reader, Abella United States + , writes (29 December 2012):

Abella agony auntThis article might also be helpful for you to read.

Many countries in the world understand the dynamics of unequal power in a relationship. ANY employer/boss/person in a higher postion in the company should never have sexual relations with ANY employee.

The same applies to Teachers versus students

Or a Priest versus a choir boy

Or a Coach versus a person being coached

Under any Code of Conduct it is the Person at the top, down to Managers and Bosses who Practise the Code of Conduct, not just expect the employees to follow it.

You knew that you had made a mistake.

But your Boss was completely out of order to allow what took place to happen.

Here is the article I am suggesting might be enlightening.

http://www.southernct.edu/womenscenter/menagainstviolence/malesurvivorsofsexualassault/

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A female reader, Abella United States + , writes (29 December 2012):

Abella agony auntPS: Any form of sexual harassment of another person is always wrong. This is still true even if the victim ended up enjoying the sex.

As sex progresses the sexual stimulation may well be enjoyable. You have NO reason to excuse her predatory behaviour because of this. She took advantage of you and that was unacceptable.

That you enjoyed it as it progressed does NOT get HER absolved from doing the wrong thing. She DID do the WRONG thing. You were just over-whelmed and she took advantage of you and of her position.

Perhaps to help you understand this better you could see if there are resources on this site that might help?

www.rainn.org

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A female reader, Abella United States + , writes (29 December 2012):

Abella agony auntIf you can I suggest that you look for a new job.

Your existing boss sounds disreputable that she would take advantage of one of her employees and coerce him into sex. That is wrong of her and a misuse of her power position.

IF you leave her employ be careful of her - she may try to give you a poor referene to stymie your chances of getting a better job.

Do NOT discuss what she did to you (except to a lawyer, under exceptional circumstances - though I expect she would not want anyone to know that she sexually harassed a male emeployee) - not to anyone as it could come back to hurt your reputation as well.

IF there is a similar situation ever again then you sleep in a chair in the hall outside. Never in the same room nor bed as her. If she ever calls you about a back that aches then offer to call the Doctor and if she says she does not need that but that her back still hurts then hand her some ordinary run-of-the-mill headache tablets with a glass of water and then quickly exit the room

You boss has probably done this before and sexually harassed other young men. What your boss is doing is wrong.

Make sure at work that any door is always open when you need to speak to her. And make sure that when you speak to her that someone else is always there.

Do not agree to ever work late if it is just you and her. Invent an excuse, any viable excuse, to explain why you cannot work back late unless (name of another one or two employees) can also work back.

Or better still explain that you have a pre-arranged family event to attend.

The soon you can start working in a new place with a new job then the sooner you will be rid of this sexually abusive woman. It is utterly wrong to sexually harass any employee - be they a male or female employee.

Similarly is utterly wrong for any boss to sexually harass an employee - whether the said boss is male or female.

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A female reader, jonas Singapore +, writes (29 December 2012):

jonas agony auntI agree with You Wish. You should NEVER NEVER massage her first. Even though she was complaining to you about her pain and sharing with her about her secrets, that is her business. She is your superior. What she chooses to do is her rights. How you responded was yours.

In all honesty, when you chose to initiate massage for her, you should think about the consequences. What would you say of a girl who massaged her male superior on her own accord and slept with him later? Would you believe she was forced?

Your superior felt that you were thinking the same as her and was leading her on by initiating the massage and sleeping with her but the next day you rejected her advances. It was never a good idea to be too close to your superior especially sexually.

Now what you could do is to acknowledge your mistake, and try to explain to her and get her understanding in the hope that she would excuse you and put this behind. Try to draw a line between work and private.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (29 December 2012):

YouWish agony auntYou forget something here:

You initiated the physical contact by starting the massage. You made the choice about going into her room. You also mentioned that you accepted her room invitation "without any hesitation". Doesn't sound to me like you were coerced or pressured into going to her room.

I think what you have going on here is "buyer's remorse", meaning you had sex with her before realizing that it was probably a stupid move to get into a sexual relationship with your boss, and now you feel weird about it. This is understandable, but you're neither a male prostitute, nor were you used. You did the using actually, and she got mad when you didn't want to return.

Next time, stay out of the rooms of people who aren't in an actual relationship with you. This whole "young brother" thing is a cop-out. Do people start massaging and sharing a bed with their young brother? Nope. You did exactly what you wanted, then you regretted YOUR action. That's all it is.

You say that men have a feel of chastity? Then do what we do...don't get yourself into a situation where sex can happen. Plain and simple. You had sex, then regretted it. You weren't used, and to say you were is kinda insulting since you were the initiator of the contact.

You're also in a sticky situation now, because you have brought the awkward vibe to your work, possibly putting your livelihood in danger. Talk to her, tell her that while you care for her, the sex was a mistake, and that you should not continue a physical relationship and keep things professional from now on.

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