| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Our grandfather was a drunk. The kind that drinks all night long with his friends, then comes home, cleans up and goes to work like nothing ever happened. He was verbally abusive to my grandmother but never to his children, who "only" got to witness his behavior and were always afraid that one day they would find him in a ditch on their way to school.The children in question are my mother and her sister, my aunt. They are both gone now. And my cousin is the only family I have left. My aunt drank moderately, but as she grew old she started using a brand name barbituate to calm herself. We lived through a war so it was not uncommon. On the other hand my mom never touched the stuff, and she would drink a bier for dinner during weekends.Anyway, apart from losing my mother in my late teens, my life was pretty normal. Finished studies, found a job I liked, fell in love, got married, had kids. My cousin on the other hand has never had much luck in love. We're almost 40 and she had only one relationship (that lasted a year before the guy dumped her). She mostly has crushes on people that are unattainable and/or would only like to sleep with her. She longs for children and a husband. Whenever we discuss her problems (which she initiates fairly often) and I present her with my opinion, if she doesn't like it she just says that just because I had more muck in life than her I can't understand it.She started drinking fairly late, when she was about 30. Before that she wouldn't touch it. I have never liked the taste of it, so I never drink. When she started I thought she just wanted to belong as EVERYBODY drinks where we live (it took some time for them to accept that I am the way I am). I have never seen her drunk, but I did hear some "funny" stories about how much they all drank and had fun and then couldn't remember certain things. When I would ask a question or two, she would brush me off saying that I don't drink and can'understand. When my aunt, her mother died, she started drinking a whole lot more. Now everything is an occasion for a drink, when she's happy, nervous, sad, worried, bored... I was shocked to see that it's no longer just wine, but spirits as well. I really need you to take my word for it when I say that it's super unlike her!Once she didn't want to drink alone and tried to convince my husband to keep her company (I wasn't there). He drinks rarely and said no because he didn't feel like it and then she sulked a bit. My husband told me that it was no big deal. But again it i so unlike her... I feel as if she were medicating herself with alcohol. Speaking of meds, she uses a brand of barbituate tablet (like her mom!) when ever she's stressed explaining that that's how she's protecting her heart. I have no idea how she gets it since she refuses to see a shrink. I've suggest a few types of therapy I find particularly useful. But she just wouldn't go.What worries me is that she is thinking of having a kid on her own not seeing that being a mother is not just fun it's a huge responsibility and requires stability.Should I talk to her? If yes, what do I tell her? Maybe I should just let her be and IF I witness her drunk then say something? I don't want her to think that I am lecturing her. The last serious conversation we had was when she drank one too many when she was waiting for her crush to arrive and then made a small scene when he ignored her... I mean could it be that he ignored her because she was drunk?I really care for her and feel like I should do something.
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cousin, crush, drunk, fell in love, grandmother Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2016): I am the OP. Thank you for your reply.
I'll give t a shot when she's in a good mood.
She looks down upon blind dates, meeting people online etc. She thinks it's for losers :(
I hope this is just a phase and that she'll snap out of it...
A
female
reader, MissKin  +, writes (7 June 2016):
 It's okay for her to drink. People do drink. And a lot of people drink more than they should. It becomes an addiction when it starts to interfere with everyday life and stops people from going to work or being around their friends and family.
I can understand why you are concerned, but you can really only offer your support and advice. If you tell her you're worried about her developing the same problem as your grandfather had, then I'm sure she'll listen but she may not think she has a problem and so will continue to drink.
To her drink might be a therapy right now, replacing the things she is missing in life. Maybe she should try some blind dates?
I know that it isn't exactly advisable to have a baby on her own, but she is reaching a stage where her options to have a baby are dwindling down to adoption. Which is absolutely fine but it isn't the same for some people. If she really really wants a baby on her own then make sure she is aware of how hard it is and that she won't be able to drink her way through it. If anything having a baby will sort her drinking out.
Definitely try to Talk her but really if she does have a problem I'm not sure how persuasive you can be until she realises it herself.
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