A
female
age
26-29,
*llsie96
writes:I really don't want to sound arrogant or full of myself but I think that my boyfriend's brother may be attracted with me and need an outsider view of the situation to tell me if I am looking too much into things. I also fear that I may now be attracted to him. I'm sorry this is going to be quite long but I need to explain the whole situation.My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years and we're great together. We're both 19 so he still lives with his parents and up until May this year his older brother who is 24 lived with him too. Before he moved out, to be honest, I thought his brother was horrible. He never spoke to me and usually ignored me completely if I tried to speak to him, and the way he treated the rest of his family from what I could see was with so little respect it made me honestly really strongly dislike him.However, this summer (2015) I went on holiday with my boyfriend, his parents and his brother and his brother had completely changed. I hadn't seen him since he had moved out and he was being really nice to me. We had really long conversations by the pool (we were the only two that liked to sunbathe so we were often there alone) about everything; university life, clothes, money, stupid things. My opinion of him completely changed which therefore made me open up to him more. In the second half of the holiday when we would go out for dinner I always felt like he was trying to sit next to me (I know this sounds stupid but almost every time we went out to eat he sat beside me) and if we were ever in the same room we would always make eye contact and he wouldn't look away but just keep staring at me.Anyway, I was feeling a bit confused but then the holiday ended and I went to university so I didn't see him or think about him until this Christmas when we saw each other again. I didn't realise until I saw him that I had actually been looking forward to it but at first things were quite awkward. However, we did get back to having long conversations about things whenever my boyfriend wasn't around, but as soon as my boyfriend was in the room he wouldn't take much notice of me. It was only little things I would pick up on throughout the couple of days I spent at my boyfriends house that made me think back to the summer again and wonder if he felt attracted towards me? When we were playing a quiz game he did the same thing of continuously making eye contact with me and not looking away when I looked at him. When he got a new suit for Christmas he asked me what I thought of it (which is weird for him because he's usually so horrible haha) and one evening, we were watching Mad Max and I dashed upstairs to get changed, not bothering to close the door and he came up and saw me half naked, apologised and went into the bathroom. Did he come up on purpose to see me? Or am I literally going insane? I have always thought he was good looking (and honestly, wow, he is) and I've been thinking about him so much now it feels like I might be getting feelings for him beyond just attraction/appreciation of his appearance but I feel so much guilt because he is my boyfriend's brother and I just don't know what to do.
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female
reader, ellsie96 +, writes (30 December 2015):
ellsie96 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for all the replies everyone. I won't be seeing his brother now for at least 4 months so I'm just going to see what happens and not make any moves myself, unless I'm forced to. Thanks for all the help, I'll keep you all updated :)
A
female
reader, Songwr1ter +, writes (30 December 2015):
And if things are rocky with you and your bf, and he's treating you like this, maybe you should talk with him, and try solving things before you get another bf, like Abella suggested.
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (30 December 2015):
 If your Bf has been behaving in disrespectful ways then do sort that out with a view to resolving things one way or another first.
Get that settled before even considering another boyfriend.
Keep it all tidy and settled before the next Bf.
Even give yourself a break from any dating for a period of reflection before your next Bf.
This cuts off any suggestion that you were cheating (which you are not doing)with the 24 year old while still dating the 19 year old.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (30 December 2015):
 I refer you to my original replies.
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A
female
reader, Songwr1ter +, writes (30 December 2015):
If he has changed, just be nice back to him too.. But I think you should have a break from your bf and the other guy, so that you can sort out your feelings. Don't break up with him for good, just temporarily ..
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A
female
reader, ellsie96 +, writes (30 December 2015):
ellsie96 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAgain thanks to Abella and Songw1ter for the replies! So songw1ter, what do you think I should too? If he has changed?
And Abella, the thing is things have been pretty rocky recently with me and my BF. I caught him talking/flirting with another girl on facebook messenger and he had met up with her a couple of times (although said nothing happened) so I don't know whether right now I can take spending EXTRA alone time with him, if you know what I mean? I don't know if that's why I have become more aware of his brother too because I feel more distant from him, I don't know really.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2015): My older brother had this habit. He would flirt and hit on girlfriends I had. He would never overtly do it but to me it was pretty obvious, and one ex seemed to love it. I never knew why he did it I just figured he acted that was to let me know he was better than me. He could have what I had and he didn't care either way. Really a bit of a dick. I would say stay away from these games
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (30 December 2015):
you had a right to go upstairs to get changed. How very convenient that he immediately followed you. And managed to see you undressing.
The brother of your Bf is becoming too familiar.
If you want to keep your existing Bf then you will need to put your whole focus on your existing Bf who currently trusts you.
If you do instead want to respond to the older brother's overtures then expect your Bf'd parents to be polarized by the disharmony distress and loss of trust that will be the result.
Blood is thicker than water.
The older brother may want to steal you away from his younger brother. But why?? Your attractives may be incidental to any 'why?' considering the potential pain that could occurr in the future.
Think how uncomfortable Christmas 2016 will be in their household if you are invited too, and if by then you are the Gf of the older brothet.
Seek out your Exististing Bf. Can you initiate some additional one on one time for just you and your Bf? Be seen to be focused on your existing Bf. Do not discuss these plans with the brother.
Give your existing relationship a chance to survive.
Personally I regard a brother actively pursuing the Gf of his own brother a touch deceitful and unkind towards his younger brother.
When one person is pursuing another and the person being pursued starts to feel a crush the persuer and the crushee often think no one else has noticed.
But people do notice subtle changes.
Give your existing relationship a chance to survive before you allow any more encouragement of the older brother's attention.
A couple who have a strong relationship have no secrets and the trust and acceptance is there.
If you do subsequently break with your existing Bf and then commence a relationship with the older brother then I expect that the parents of your boyfriend might have some reservations after they become aware of the situation.
At which point what is the older son going to do?
Appease his parents, drop you, and claim that you did all the running and that he never wanted to see his younger brother so hurt?
Or distance himself from his parents and younger brother and blame you for the rift that developed between him and them after the older brother and you are ''discovered''.... (if things became more involved than now)
It is a minefield to betray one sibling A in order to cheat with another sibling of A (which is where all this is leading if you don't nip it in the bud).
the 24 is well aware what he is trying to do. There are some sibling rivalry issues simmering in the background. Do not get sucked into them.
The 24 year old is seeing you as ''fair game'' to flirt with, rather than respectfully seeing you as ''off limits'' due to the fact that his own brother is dating you.
That someone is coming on to you does not always mean that a committed relationship is envisaged.
Instead, to some guys, coming on to a girl is just a challenge and sport to them, and once the prey has been enscared then they lose interest and move on.
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A
female
reader, Songwr1ter +, writes (30 December 2015):
One main thing in a relationship is trust...And if he can't trust you, then there is no point. If he really loves you, he'll try to understand. And this other guy may have changed, because a lot of people do... Being away from his family probably made him see that he was horrible, and so he decided to change.
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A
female
reader, ellsie96 +, writes (29 December 2015):
ellsie96 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to Abella and songwr1ter for your thoughts! His brother doesn't have a GF no and I see what you mean Abella about how he could be doing something really sinister. I just don't know whether he could be so horrible. I know he was before but I feel like maybe he is being genuine. Oh God I just don't know. Then again, what would have made him change? I'm so scared to talk to my boyfriend about it especially as a couple of months ago one of my friends who I was really close to made up a horrible rumour about me cheating on my BF (God knows why) so I feel like my BF won't trust me. What if he doesn't believe me and thinks it's my fault for why his brother is behaving this way? Or he thinks I'm making it up?
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A
female
reader, Songwr1ter +, writes (29 December 2015):
Maybe, he has changed, and maybe he does like you .. But if you're having mixed emotions, you need to break up with your current boyfriend, because it's not fair on him ..
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (29 December 2015):
I think your original impression of him was an accurate assessment of him.
Now I think he is deliberately trying to stir things up behind the back of his brother to hurt his brother and spit you out once he's finished playing with you.
Why do I suggest this? Because I have seen this attempted in families.
After all his younger brother is happily dating.
His brother has a Gf. Does he have Gf?
Guys can pull out all the stops to be temporarily on the make.
If he can draw you away from his brother then his brother will feel betrayed.
Then he could date you for a while then discard you and you will feel betrayed.
But your current Bf will no longer trust you.
And the brother will continue on his merry way.
I suggest you minimise time with the brother. Do not show interest. And speak urgently to your Bf about your concerns.
Until a betrayal like this is tried one never believes anyone could be so manipulative and nasty as to do this to a sibling. But sadly it does happen. Sometimes it is a brother going after his brother's partner.
Sometimes it is a sister going after her sister's partner.
A sibling hitting on the partner of their own sibling is hitting very low and likely to cause a great deal of hurt and tear away expected family bonds, if things are taken too far.
You as the outsider will be put in a very awkward position the longer you keep this to yourself.
Talk to your Bf so that he knows what his brother is up to.
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A
female
reader, ellsie96 +, writes (29 December 2015):
ellsie96 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the anon, I told my boyfriend about the whole embarrassing undressing scenario and he laughed and said that it was just like he had seen me in a bikini so it wasn't that weird, I think he was trying to stop me feeling so embarrassed though. I didn't tell him anything else though about the talks or the looks or anything.I'm not sure what his brothers intentions are but I don't wanna confront him and jump to conclusions and then he tells my boyfriend and I look like a psycho or something! I'm still so so confused and I just don't want to make the wrong move and make things really awkward with my boyfriend or his brother :(
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (29 December 2015):
It's hard to say how interested he is. He might just be seeing what you will do - how far he can take it. He might even be in sibling rivalry. His brother has you, so he can too.
This could get very messy. If you aren't really happy with your current partner then get out of the relationship as nicely as possible. It is kinder in the end.
If you want to continue then kick the pretender out of the scene. Don't let him think you are interested if you aren't.
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A
female
reader, ellsie96 +, writes (29 December 2015):
ellsie96 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answer Denizen! So you think that he is purposefully showing an interest in me? And not just being friendly? I am attracted to him but I don't think I could act on it and do that to my current boyfriend. I'm so confused.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (29 December 2015):
Make it clear to him that you are not interested - unless you are in which case break up with his brother. But that will probably cause a rift between them so you had better take responsibility here for what is going on.
The brother's attention to you is flattering and you are letting it show. This is encouraging him. You have to knock him back or there will be trouble.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2015): Brothers are nearly always competitive. He is puttig you through your paces to see if you are loyal and true and the way this is panning out he will have a bit of dirt to dish on you when your bf starts talking of marriage and bringing you into the family on a permanent basis.
Does your bf know he's seen you undressing.
Have you told your bf about the long friendly holiday chats.
Technically the bro has been hitting on you while your doh has been kindly spending time with mum.
But how you view these interactions is of paramount importance.
The more secrets you keep the more vulnerable you become.
Why dont you ask your bf if you can take holidays alone this year.
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