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Is my boyfriend too sexually demanding?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Sex, Teenage, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 December 2017) 13 Answers - (Newest, 26 December 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 18-21, anonymous writes:

I’ve been with my boyfriend around half a year. He has really bad anger issues which he has been trying to control but he still has his outbursts. One of the things that triggers these outbursts is when I don’t give him head when he wants it. Whenever I say no he continues to ask over and over and goes in a mood if I keep refusing. He will start by saying ‘just do it for a second’ ‘just do it for a little bit please’ and if I do, when I stop he still wants more. It seems that if I do what he wants, even if I don’t want to, it’s never enough for him. An example of this is one evening he kept asking for a blowjob and I said I didn’t want to, he said I wasn’t a good girlfriend and was very moody with me. He was half asleep and I wanted to make him happy so I went down on him and he was enjoying it. He started pushing me to do other things which I didn’t want to do and so I stopped all together and he started once again insulting me, calling me a let down, a joke, pathetic, saying he wished he was at home and telling me to not go near him. He blamed me for waking him up to ‘disappoint’ him. He often throws things at me when he’s mad, never anything that could necessarily hurt me but he’ll throw things around the room, throws pillows or bed covers, clothes or other objects like that at me and I don’t like it. He’s been physical with me in that he’s grabbed my throat or my arm in quite an aggressive way when he’s having a tantrum. He then said ‘are you going to finish what you started then?’ And so I did just so that he’d stop being so moody and nasty with me. He’s extremely complex, had a somewhat difficult upbringing which has had a real effect on him - he suffers from depression and extremely bad anxiety although he refuses to get help from a doctor. I just don’t know what to do, I perform sexual acts on him all of the time and when I say no if he asks me he acts like I’m the worst girlfriend, has even said before that I’m the worst girlfriend he’s had when I stopped giving him oral sex one time. I know he’s saying these things in the moment and he does apologise once he’s cooled down but I just don’t find it fair at all. He rarely gives me any oral sex but I never complain or ask him to or make him feel bad for not doing it. I threatened to end the relationship before due to this anger but he’s still having outbursts over things like me essentially not wanting to suck his dick. He tells me regularly that he’s completely in love with me and that he doesn’t want to be with anyone else, and has said before that if we split up he would likely fall into deep depression and have suicidal thoughts (he has threatened to kill himself before). I do love him and I want to help him change these issues he has, but I know that I deserve better than this angry side of him. Please please help me know what to say to him, I have depression myself and it really isn’t helping me.

View related questions: blow-job, oral sex, split up

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2017):

People have already said this, but you need to cut your losses and DTMFA! It is quite likely that his bad behavior will escalate, and instead of throwing soft things he will move onto throwing dangerous things and hurting you.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (21 December 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntLook it is clear to see that he does not love you, he takes your money, he abuses you, he eats away at your confidence he forces you to do sex acts on him. Honestly what is it that you love about this guy? What does he have to do before you say enough is enough. Does he have to rape you? Make you feel ugly? Or actually end up being violent to you and injuring you? Get out now before you can or before you end up in debt.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2017):

Leave. His. Ass. You should not be in a relationship with a man who thinks he can win you over by getting all worked up and angry. Honey, if you ask me, that’s bullshit and disgusting. Don’t let him treat you that way. You deserve so much better and I think you should go out to find better. Not only is he hurting you emotionally, he’s put his hands on you. Do not (might I repeat) DO NOT let any man do that to you rather it be hurting your mental state or physical. What you are in is a very, very unhealthy and dangerous relationship.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (17 December 2017):

N91 agony auntGet out whilst you still can.

Write the money off, you're not getting that back, but definitely leave this guy before he seriously hurts you.

I don't see what you could possibly like about him to be quite honest. If he had a bad upbringing then he can do things to help himself such as therapy but I highly doubt he is interested in doing that and it's definitely not your job to try and help him out. You can do better and you know you can.

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A male reader, Allumeuse United Kingdom +, writes (17 December 2017):

I think you have to forget about the money. It's better to have a clean break from this man than be endlessly tied to him trying and likely failing to retrieve this cash. Think as it as a sunk cost and count it as worth a thousand bucks to be free of this man. I don't think I have seen an account of abuse this vivid on DC before. The very best of luck.

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A male reader, CMMP United States + , writes (17 December 2017):

Your boyfriend is an asshole and you deserve better...

I'm not sure if I missed the word in your question but I don't remember you saying that this is abuse. It clearly is.

Let me say that if one of my daughters was grown up and told me their boyfriend was behaving this way I would be furious! It would take all the willpower I have not to go and kick their ass.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (17 December 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt Whaat ? over one grand ?---

Look.You got screwed over. Big time.

You don't need to beat yourself up and to get upset about your " stupidity " , because all of us make mistakes, particularly when we are young and not too experienced : BUT, you need to own your mistakes, and learn from them. You need to learn what your mistakes say about you, so you can correct the part of you or action which caused the mistake, and won't ever have to repeat it again.

So, he screwed you over, sexually, emotionally and financially- but you let him screw you over too esily because either you are a natural born doormat who cannot say no to save her life, or you are so desperate to be part of a couple that you'd accept anything from anybody as long as you don't have to be single. Maybe a bit of both.

Own that- do not try to cover up with " his depression, " your depression " " he loves you " " you love him " " he has his good moments when he treats me nice " or any other similar ( pardon me ) crap.

It may be even true , or sort of true, that he is a jerk only because of his ipbringing, or of a mental condition, and / or in his own way he loves you sincerely, or.. whatever. But, you know what, at the end of the day it's all fluff, it's all irrelevant, it's all, well, crap. It does not matter.

Why ? because a good relationship ( i.e., the ONLY kind of relationship that is worth having ) is, basically,a sustainable one, and it is not sustainable, viable, livable, doable if there is disrespect and even just a hint of abuse.

In your case , there ìs definitely financial exploitation, and there's sexual and PHYSICAL abuse.

No. Just no. Life is simpler than you'd think, when you make yours some basic guidelines. He grabs you by your throat during arguments ? That's abuse. He needs to go. Now. Like, yesterday. No buts and ifs. But... " you care about him ? " Well, then you care about the wrong priorities. Start caring about yourself, instead. Care about saving your neck ( literally ! ) and about not ending up strangled, or battered at least. Care about your dignity, and about being shown respect ( which is totally missing from this " relationship " of yours ).

Again, you don't need to flog yourself for having been taken advantage of- but if you do not want be taken advantage of any more, by this guy or by the next, you must learn the right priorities. First of all , you, your physical and mental wellbeing, and your dignity.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2017):

This man is highly abusive and I suggest you leave asap before it gets much worse. I speak from experience.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Forgot to mention that he owes me a lot of money, I’ve been naive and since the beginning of us being together I’ve let him use my card and lend money off of me. He would ask me to transfer him money and I would just because I guess I can’t say no and I didn’t want to let him down. He owes me well over a grand now and he hasn’t really paid me back because he smokes weed so most of his money goes on that. I’m just so upset at how stupid I am and the fact that I do really care about him and I’m concerned about him and his well-being.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2017):

Please Google "power and control wheel". You'll come up with a wheel picture that has spokes on it giving examples of different types of abuse. See that he hits many categories. Then, tell him its over and give him a number to a suicide hotline so he'll have no excuses. Don't go to his place for any reason, there's nothing of yours there you can't replace. If you've got your birth certificate, whatever your equivalent of an SS card is (government ID number), photo ID or credit cards over there, call the POLICE and have THEM come w you to get those things. Sorry to say the blanket Aunt Linda knitted you and your IPod aren't important right now. YOU are important. Don't get in his car and if he follows you into a cab or bus tell the driver! "I'm trying to get away from this man named Brian Miller from 12345 Tree Street. He is dangerous to me" (Sorry to the nice Brian Millers). Don't let him in your house or car. Keep the doors locked and have someone walk you to your car after work. Tell your work he's dangerous. Tell your landlord. Describe him and show a picture. Tell the police. It doesn't matter that "he 'only did'xyz to you" he's put his hands on you, sexually threatened you into sex, shamed and insulted you. That's enough for pressing charges in the US and I'm sure it is too where you live. I can't imagine why it wouldn't be. Give the police his name address, phone, workplace, car description and license if you know it. Show them his picture. As much info as you have "he's 6'2, 225 red hair blue eyes and has a tattoo of a cat on his shoulder". No description is silly or too much. Tell them all you said here. Don't be embarrassed, they've seen and heard worse than that. They want to help.

Good luck, I want you to write back saying this guy's history.

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A male reader, Allumeuse United Kingdom +, writes (17 December 2017):

You are doing what he asks out of fear. This is abuse. Leave him as soon as you can. This man is not a good partner he is a grown up baby who has a tantrum, kicks screams and lashes out when he doesn't get what he wants. As You cannot be Serious says you deserve much better from a man. Leave him and ensure he cannot contact you. Don't think you can change him, noone can change anyone. They have to want to change, and if you are giving him what he wants he won't. He is probably too broken to fix anyhow. Good luck

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A male reader, no nonsense Aidan United Kingdom + , writes (17 December 2017):

Don’t say anything to him, just get yourself out of this relationship urgently! First, you are performing sex acts on him against your wishes for fear of the consequences if you don’t. What kind of person would value your opinion and feelings so little that they would use psychological tricks to coerce you in to sticking their genitals in your mouth when it’s not something you want? That’s truly awful.

Second, he’s using the full range of the abuser’s tricks. He tells you he loves you so that you start to think that deep down there’s a good person, and you start accepting his excuses, be that depression or a hard upbringing. I already see signs from your post that you’re starting to excuse behaviour that I’d bet good money you would have completely condemned before you got in to this relationship. Then there are the insults, which once he’s dragged you down enough you will start to believe. Many people stay in abusive relationships because they’ve been made to feel so worthless that they don’t believe that they can do any better. Then finally there’s the suicide threats if you leave, trapping you even where all else fails.

You need to understand how classic this is of abuse. I don’t think it’s at all beyond this man to move the abuse to a physical level at some point in the near-future, but even if he doesn’t the mental abuse you are suffering is going to get worse and worse. Being in a relationship isn’t about fixing people or saving them. Whatever his threats, it’s not down to you to fix him even if that means performing blowjobs every night against your wishes and taking the verbal battering whenever he feels like dishing it out. Half a year in it should still be the honeymoon stage of bliss and happiness, but this just sounds miserable. Please, please set the bar higher than that and walk away.

I wish you all the very best.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (17 December 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntI deserve better.

I deserve better.

I deserve better.

Sweetheart, you need to KEEP TELLING YOURSELF THAT and ACT on it.

You are already in an abusive relationship. Trust me when I tell you things will only escalate. You've only been together 6 months yet he is already verbally, physically and emotionally abusing you. What are you waiting for? For the first black eye? For the first kicking? For the first time he throws something at you which actually hurts you? If so, then hang in there because they will all come.

He knows he has issues but refuses to get help. You are not important enough to him for him to do anything about improving your relationship.

Take a tip from someone who has been around a lot longer than you: don't listen to what people SAY; observe what they DO. He may tell you he loves you but he does not treat you in any way which backs this up. You are just there to provide a blow job when he wants it. Stop being a doormat. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

And PLEASE don't let him emotionally blackmail you by threatening to kill himself if you leave. IF he does this, it is down to previous issues and not down to you. You cannot stay with this abusive man just because he threatens to kill himself if you leave.

Sweetheart, you have the rest of your life ahead of you. Stop wasting it on someone who makes you feel so bad.

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