A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:First of all I'm sorry for the long read I'm guessing this is going to be but I need help in what I should do.I've been with my boyfriend now for a year and well I have basically lived with him for that whole year. I give him £75 a week for rent/bills which I don’t know if that’s right or I'm giving him too much because my family all seems to think £75 is too much and I'm actually helping him pay his mortgage, but I have no idea.Anyway when I first met him I had savings of £3500 and now my bank account is sitting at -£2000. Im guessing the reason behind that is because I'm the only one who will actually go buy groceries and if we go together its normally me who pays with my card and sometimes he pays me back sometimes not, but the past month or two we have always went halves, but I think its because I mentioned it. I also think this could be because we have went to a few places that normally I wouldn’t have went to like a festival for starters…yeah I love the music but I wouldn’t ever go normally, and also to a few comedians and we’ve went into the city and he doesn’t drive but I do so I pay my car (£170 per month) I'm £20 petrol per week at least, I'm £110 tax for the year and then around £500 for insurance for my year and he doesn’t give me a penny, not even £10 per month for fuel…and I've also yet again when been in the city paid meals, etc on my card and he has only paid me back a handful of times…it didn’t bother me at the time but now im poor it does.I felt horrible yesterday…went to his mums for Christmas and well put it this way he came out with £600 from his mum, grandma and granda, aunt and aunt and uncle and my mum and dad…he also had at least £500 worth of gifts….my mum and dad giving his £100 and £80 worth of gifts. I got £200 from my parents and nothing else and around £50 of gifts from all his family combined. I'm not normally a greedy person or anything and I am in no way ungrateful for what they gave me but for some reason I felt like I'd been given a kick in the teeth. Worst of it is he is going to his grans today and will receive around the same from his dad, aunt and gran there.Next year he plans on going to the festival again and then he is going to go down to London twice for both NFL games. My parents asked us is we would like to go to florida in 2014 for their 25th wedding anniversary and they said that they would buy a villa so we do not need accommodation and would only need flights and park tickets and spending money as they would also get the food. My boyfriend said (not to my parents but to me) that he could never save up enough money to do that.But he plans on going to the festival and yet again NFL year after.He needs just for those 3 things in 2013 £800 minimum for the festival and between both trips £1500 and will save up for that. Florida is the one place in the world I adore, I'm happier there and I'd move there in a heartbeat and overall its my most favourite place in the world. I don’t understand why he would choose to go to something with his uncle and then friends so that he can drink and stare at cheerleaders and boobs when he can go somewhere with me that I love. He has been before and said that it’s the best holiday he has ever been on and would love to go back so why on earth would he choose all that over me?I'm also insecure and all he goes on about is he can't wait to see the boobs at the festival and go check out cheerleaders. And then at work there is this girl whom he fancied before me whom he says he no longer does obviously but she decided a few month after we were going out that she likes him and could not flirt with him any more if she tried but he always goes and talks to her and her to him…like everytime I go to his office either she is in talking to him or he is at her work space talking to her. He knows I hate it and knows that she treats me like crap when he is not there so why is he doing it?I don’t understand anymore because when we are together we are great…he is perfect for me in many ways but this seems to be huge flaws and I'm unsure as to what I should do about it…can anyone guide me?
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (26 December 2012):
 When you first moved into his place did you two sit down and make a budget? Figure out what YOU can afford to help out with without getting yourself in debt?
I would honestly sit him down and show him your numbers. And honestly if you can't afford living with him, then what? You are already 2,000 in the hole after moving in.
If he isn't interested in making the financial side fair, well I'd move back home or out.
As for the holiday. Well honestly, I can see why he rather spend his summer watching football and festivals with friends rather then spending a couple of week with his GF's parent's on THEIR 25th anniversary vacation.
As for his co-worker she is obviously jealous of you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2012): Did you just decide to give him $75 a week, or did you discuss it? So you don't know what his mortgage/utilities run a mth? I don't think that is unreasonable, but that should be it. It is not fair that you are buying the groceries on top of that, plus being the only one with a car & the only one putting gas in it.
From what you say, yes it sounds like he is taking advantage of you. He should also care more about things that make you happy. It sounds like he doesn't make you a priority. Don't let him use you.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 December 2012):
 I say this a lot on here, but people forget that the prime reason to date someone and enter into a relationship is to get to know someone and find out whether or not you can spend your future with them, whether by marriage, domestic partnership, or other long term arrangement.
Inevitably, as time goes by, we discover the flaws of who we are with. Sometimes, adversity reveals them. Sometimes, daily life does. Sometimes, these flaws are actually RED FLAGS, which mean that this guy is not only incompatible, but being with him does you more harm than good. You find that your life has become worse with him in it, as opposed to better or more enriched.
You have some RED FLAGS. Financial problems are among the chief reasons for divorce, and destroying your credit and being manipulated into supporting a virtual freeloader are some dealbreaking red flags. What happens if you marry? Think it will get better? No way! You should never give a boyfriend or partner a penny. Finances should never be a part of a healthy dating relationship that isn't a marriage or domestic long-term partnership.
Did you say that you lived with him, or are you "basically" living with him? Which is it? Are you on the lease? Do you know what the bills are each month? If you ACTUALLY live with him, you pull up the bills and pay your half directly like you would with a college roommate or a platonic friend. With groceries, you buy your own or pay half if you both eat roughly the same.
Never mix finances. Never own a joint bank account or credit cards. Safeguard your personal information like bank accounts, national insurance number (I think that's the UK version our our US Social Security Number), and NEVER ever give money to help a boyfriend. That can destroy a relationship as fast as cheating. Domesticity and commitment are two separate things, and too many women think that they're the same, so they give money, support their boyfriends and then get left holding the financial bag and a -$2000 bank account. (Sorry, don't have a British pound key).
As for your Florida trip, you should probably plan to go alone, whether you stay with him or not. That's a pretty expensive trip, and he doesn't want to spend the money. Since you're not married, the obligation isn't there. As for his NFL thing, football is his thing, and it's not all about cheerleader's boobs.
However, the co-worker thing is disconcerting. I'm guessing that she doesn't know his thing for being mommied and supported financially. He is disrespecting you and your relationship by continuing a non-professional relationship with someone he has had romantic feelings for and who has them with him.
From what you've said on here, I'd say that your relationship has hit its expiration date. You're 22-25. Time is precious, and if there's no future here and you both go in different directions emotionally, maybe it's time to do it physically and part ways.
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