A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am getting very frustrated with my boyfriend. He has dreams to become a stand up comedian, and wants to write books etc. he has big ambitions. A few months ago he took on a job earning a respectable salary, with the view to buying his flat and letting it out to give him financial stability when he pursues comedy. When I met him he said he worked freelance and seemed to have a lot of spare time. I was glad that he seemed to have a plan. He has now quit his job after a few months saying it's not for him, about a week ago and doesn't seem to have a clear plan of where he's going to go from here. If I bring it up he gets defensive and tells me to stop pressuring him. He also accuses me of only wanting someone who's earning lots of money. It worries me though, he has just turned 30 and I feel like he should be a bit more established in himself and his career. It makes me wonder if he is actually not ambitious at all, and is just all talk. At the moment he's just acting like he's on holiday, he says he needs time to work it out. Am I overreacting or should I be a bit concerned?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 June 2014):
 As a side note, Housing Associations typically DO get public funding, that's why they keep rent so below market.
And if he got involved into a Housing Association scheme BECAUSE of being ( then ) young, homeless, and incomeless ,- well, what is he doing it still there now that he is a working adult ? ( even if legally his tennancy has been extended indefinitely ).
You may think, what has this got to do with my question, - two things :
- that IMO this says quite something , and not positive, about his actual determination and ambition
- that the age difference between you shows a bit, perhaps so far you have tended to filter a bit acritically things through the lens of HIS knowledge and experience, without first forming your own opinions and getting your facts straight, and now that you start doing it, and questioning some of his choices ,.... he gets defensive and feels pressured.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2014): Thing is...is he actually funny?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2014): To qualify for Housing Association tenancy you will have to prove some sort of hardship - different Associations are set up to cater for individuals experiencing different hardships but, historically, council house waiting lists are linked to Housing Association lists - so it is VERY difficult to get on a housing association list if you don't meet the criteria for Council Housing waiting lists. People DO lie to get HOusing Association accommodation - I've known a great many instances of it. I've also seen people stay in that type of accommodation their whole life because they get nice and comfy and don't have to face up to the same pressures as other people and then they can never actually get it together. You said that he want to buy "his flat" - so this comes across as him having right to buy. If he has that right, which is one that a great many people would give their left arm for, then he is just wasting the opportunity. Either he lied to get the accommodation or he has a condition of some sort that is stopping him from forming the 'plan' that you would like him to have.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (20 June 2014):
Yes, you should be a bit concerned. Not so much because of his age ( there are several instances of performers who are late bloomers ) but because to succeed in show business you need a plan, and a ferocious committment, drive and determination. Of course, you need talent too- and a good bit of luck as well.
I was an actress for 8 years. Nothing major, mind you- I was,most of the time, exactly the one who says " dinner is served ", exit stage left. BUT, I got paid , which in itsef is a small miracle, seen how many thousands of talented performers work for " exposure " -or for a pizza after the show. So, I was rather good. I had studied in a good school, my teachers told me I was good,my directors told me I was good.
So why I never did the leap over " more - than- a - hobby- but-less- than- a full- time- job " ? Because it was too much for me, I did not want to sweat it hard enough. I did not want ( and also could not, having a child at the time ) devote to my " craft " the inordinate amount of time and effort and dogged determination it takes to make it . I did not want go to a couple new auditions every day, I did not want to work far from home ( luckily, home was NY then ), I did not want to " network " like crazy in case it may bring me .. a role as a costumed character at Dysneland . No regrets, I wanted to find a way to fit my passion into my normal lifestyle as " regular " woman with normal pursuits and obligations, and that's just what I did. But, you do not make lots of money, nor you achieve fame or success or excellence this way ( and you need an extra source of income, too :).
So, how is your bf ACTUALLY pursuing comedy, other than scribbling funny things which makes his friends laugh ? is he even in the right place ? ( I suppose that would be London, for UK comedians ). Is he making the rounds of comedy clubs ? . Is he submitting his material to radio and Tv networks, and when he gets refused , just rewriting and restarting again ? Is he taking improv classes ? ( he should, stand up is VERY difficult, what seems just spontaneous and lackadaisical is in fact the product of a very precise, refined technique ). Is he sieging the hallways of good agents till these are exhausted and accept to see him ?.. is he doing all he can to engineer a break in show business ?
If yes, fine, let him be, perseverance is often rewarded ( if he has the talent of course ) and if it's not , and at some point he has to give up, hey at least he gave it his best shot and will have no regrets.
Is he just sitting on his sofa, being witty and telling jokes to his friends, and dreaming of success and lucky breaks, while he is consuming away is few WEEKS ( ! ) of financial survival ?.... Then sooner or later he will have to become a FULL time mortgage consultant, - and the sooner the better, so he does not waste too much time/ money .
Show business is hard. Have you noticed how ALL the 5 y.o. girls say " I want to be a ballerina when I grow up" ? But how many ballet etoiles are there, 20 years later ? A handful. It's not that many girls would not have had the right legs, or the physique, or the musical ear to dance... it's that it takes blood sweat and tears to get there...
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male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (19 June 2014):
 Ok so he IS working? That wasn't made clear as you said he quit a well paid job. Okay, so he doesn't get his rent paid for him by the state? I understand and apologise if I got the wrong end of the stick.
You want to know if his goal is achievable? Well that depends on him. Is he actually doing gigs as a comedian and making inroads into turning it into a career or just writing with no outlet for it? Has he actively tried to make a go of this comedy routine or is he simply all talk? If its just talk and he puts it off, makes excuses and goes defensive then no its not achievable. If he has talent, is grafting hard at making his career work and is getting himself known in the comedy circuits then maybe it is achievable.
Making a living in any way, shape or form from comedy is very difficult indeed. It takes dedication, hard work, a thick skin and a lot of talent. Plus a lot of luck, great material and confidence. You also have to deal with set backs, "dying" on stage and be prepared for a lot of material to fail. Its a very, very tough career. Only the top performers make a decent living out of it.
Why cant he stick to one plan? well to be blunt, the world is full of people who are GOING to do something. Usually that goal changes from one thing to the next without warning. For the 15 years of my brothers adult life he has told anybody who will listen how he is going to be: a rock star, a male model, a film actor, a movie director, a famous DJ, get a work placement in New York, move to New Zealand....he flits from one fantasy to another. Nothing comes of any of it because its all talk. Is your BF like that or does he have a serious plan?
Has your BFs comedy material actually been seen and heard by those in the know? Has his ability been independently "tested"? What I mean is you only have to watch X Factor or Britains Got Talent to see a load of people who's nan, brother, mom, cat, sister and best mate all tell them they can sing like an angel....only to go on stage and sing badly. Naturally you and your BFs family will be encouraging and enjoy his material as you care about him and like his persona that may well come through in his comedy. However, with the greatest of respect, making your GF laugh is one thing, making a paying audience laugh is quite another. My family and GFs have always told me I am an amazing photographer, however a magazine editor would tear my work to shreds. Im not saying your BF isn't any good, what I am saying is that his success will depend on Talent and stage presence. Writing a joke is one thing, delivering it superbly to an audience is quite another.
Mark
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo my knowledge he has never received money off the state in any way. Housing association is just cheap accommodation it doesn't belong to the council. He does enough work to keep him afloat he does freelance mortgage advising. My only question was why he's not sticking to one plan, and whether his goals are realistic. I feel you have misunderstood.
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reader, Mark1978 +, writes (19 June 2014):
Thanks for the update.
Keep the clock ticking for a few weeks? Then what? Hope that, aged 30, he suddenly makes it big as a comedian? I'm sorry but while the rest of society pays for the roof above his head, he doesn't want to make the effort to do the stressful/boring jobs to pay his own way through life? He had a job that paid well, something a lot of us with give our right arm for, and he gave it up because it wasn't all fun and excitement?
" He says life is too short to stay in a job where he is unhappy."
Im sorry but that is the mind set of a young, immature, carefree student....not a grown man with financial responsibilities. Non of us want to get up at 6am to go to work in rush hour traffic, work with people we don't get on with, endure stress and targets and monitoring and have to be timed when we go to the loo, all for a poor wage and lack of pension....but its the reality of real life. Most of us by our 30s have accepted that, as much as we don't like doing it, we have to follow the daily grind of 9-5 stress. He is basically a thirty year old man on "holiday" from work as he finds an ordinary job too stressful, too tedious or not his style.
So how does he intend to pay his rent, for his food and his bills into the long term? Benefits? Hand outs from the state? If so, and I apologize if I have misunderstood, but if so then the rest of us go to work to pay our taxes to pay for him to lounge about dreaming of being a comedian? That's gotta be his biggest joke!
How long has he been trying to be a comedian? What is he actively doing to make it as one? Writing material for your pleasure is one thing, actually getting it out there another. Is he doing routines now? Has he had many gigs?
Mark
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses! My boyfriend has written a lot of good comedy stuff and he has shared a lot of it with me. He says life is too short to stay in a job where he is unhappy. In regards to going out with someone my age, I am the youngest woman he's ever been with, he normally dates women similar to his own age or older actually. He is very open minded in that respect. Yes he is part of a housing scheme he got it years ago because he was young, troubled and had nowhere to live. And also he is not living off me I am actually staying at his place rent free, although just temporarily. His job, which he left a week ago, paid well so I think he has enough money to keep the clock ticking for a few weeks. Hope this helps :)
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female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (19 June 2014):
 Well, honestly I always believe people should GO for their Dreams, but.. they also need to have a reality check here and there.
He is 30. And still haven't reached any of those "fantasy goals" yet. That is OK. He either will or he won't. Maybe being out of work and out of money will give him to ambition or drive to GO for it. HOWEVER, as a BF he is kind of a dingus.
Because HOW is he going to pay rent? Does he live with his parents (or worse, with you?) how is he going to afford transportation, a phone, bills, to have an actual social life?
I have to say IF he is living with you... and expecting YOU to carry the whole financial load while he "finds his niche" I would NOT be OK with that. IF you two had talked about it BEFORE hand, and THAT was the plan it would be a whole other story. But for him to quit his job and leave ALL the bills to you, so HE can PURSUE his fantasy/dreams I would NOT be OK with that. Not long term, maybe... (If I thought he actually had some talent, then I would PERHAPS give him 6 months to try it out, but .... after 6 months he would either be OUT of my house or have a job and help pay the bills.)
I have a couple of friends who are performers (one is a stand up comic and one is a drag queen) neither makes a living off their passion. They BOTH work 9-5 jobs. One at a TV station the other as an insurance agent.
I think for someone who is 30 he is rather immature to think that HIM wishing to be something will make it so.
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male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (19 June 2014):
Hi there,
I hope you are well. I started reading your post and was going to give you my standard "he is young, let him mature into reality in his own time and he will soon looser his idealistic streak" response, only to then read that this guy is in his thirties. From the limited info you have given us it sounds like he is shying away from the realities of a 9-5 existence and is still acting out, or pretending to act out, a fantasy.
Please don't get me wrong here - there is nothing wrong with ambitions, nothing wrong with determination and wanting to do something you love, and I admire anyone who knows what they want to do in life. BUT being a stand up comedian is not like joining the Civil Service, being a plumber or working in IT. Its the type of job which few people get to break into and fewer people still make a good wage from. I work in the Arts and currently have involvements in organisations that promote performers and so forth, and I know how hard it is now for singers, comedians, etc to actually earn a living and go forward from small audiences to fame and fortune. For most that type of career choice ends in disappointment. I have a friend who is a brilliant stand up comedian and has performed at the Edinburgh Fringe, comedy clubs, festivals, clubs....he makes no money from it. He does it for fun now and works full time in a 9-5 office job.
Although ambition and wanting to do something you love is fantastic, most of us (long before our 30s) realize that our dreams and ambitions when we were young were either niave, or at least unlikely to happen. Rather than see our selves as being a failure for not achieving those ambitions, we come to terms with the fact that those future plans were based on a youthful, idealistic view of the world. We usually get a big reality check in our early to mid twenties when we leave behind our studies and go out into the "real world" of work and suddenly appreciate that its one thing to say we are going to do something, another thing entirely to make it happen. That's not to say he wont ever become a stand up comedian or that he should just give up, for from it, but at 30 and with no real job he should have long before now got real and accepted that he needs to either make his comedian career work quickly or move on to something else that is a steady income. He sounds like he is drifting and stuck in a rut. If he is not careful he will be one of these 40 odd year olds, still with no real career or financial security, claiming they are going to be rock stars, famous singers or whatever, with no sense of security or reality.
Not everyone has a great career, or even employment, at 30, and that's fair enough, but there's a difference between a bad break or force of circumstances, and living a "gap year" lifestyle at 30 something when you should be more settled. Yes I think you are right to be concerned.
To give up a steady job and good income in these tough times is very foolish, especially to become something that, realistically, would have probably happened by now if it was going to take off. The fact he has a lot of spare time and gets defensive when quizzed about his comedy ambition suggests he is immature and not able to handle responsibility or hard work. He finds it easier to make excuses, create a dream and live the life of an out of work comedian rather than doing the 9-5 stuff. He says he needs time to work it out? Well by the age of 30 he should be more settled into a career, not putting it off! He is getting too old for acting out a fantasy. Dreaming of being a stand up comedian wont pay the bills or put food in his mouth, but it does stop him having to face the realities of work. If he was sensible, mature and realistic he would continue his proper job and try to be a comedian around that or concentrate on his real life job.
Im sorry if you don't like what im about to say, but most of us who are 30 plus realize just how young 18-21 year olds are. No disrespect but at 30 something most of us see 18-21 year olds as being very young - and the fact he at 30 is in a relationship with someone so young is a bit telling. Others may disagree, but for a man of 30 to have a Gf of 18-21 at least hints at immaturity. Most of us in our 30s want very different things from life and relationships, and have very different outlooks, to 18-21 year olds. Yet if anything, the roles here are reversed. Rather than him (as the oldest) seeing you as naïve and idealistic, its the other way around. Im guessing that women his own age see him as someone who has not matured much since his teens, and someone who is stuck in a fantasy he should have long grown out of.
Its up to you now whether you see a long term future with this man. Talking to him has led to him being defensive and asking for more time, and yet he is a decade or so older than you. He sounds like one of these people who still talk a good game at 30 plus that drifts from one hand out to the next and always makes excuses. My brother is the same...33 and thinks that "in a couple of months im gonna be living in America/playing in a famous band/working for a top motorsport team", but its all bull and he is in debt and lives off my parents hand outs.
Should you give him more time? Personally I don't see him changing any time soon. He is 30 now. He doesn't sound like he has what it takes for the demanding, cut throat world of stand up comedy. Instead he is living the fantasy of it.
Mark
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2014): No. you're right to be concerned. Many people have fantasies about getting involved in the Arts, in whatever form.I married at 18 to a man who was 28 and had only ever had one job for a year under a government training scheme. I was so totally naive.The reason I fell in love - and I really did - was that I was drawn to the Arts and he said that he was and wanted to be an Artist. Because he'd got a degree in Art I believed him. I was only to learn much, much later that it's incredibly easy to get a 2:2 in Fine Art from a mediocre college and that, in itself, the qualification means nothing at all. Similarly, any qualification in writing that your boyfriend may aspire to will stand for little on its own. And as to a qualification in comedy - well, do they exist?Fast forward to 28 years later: I have a 26 year old daughter, holding down a full time job and studying for her masters degree. I own my own home outright, I have a PhD in Fine Art, I lecture at a leading university, I have a deep commitment to my Art practice and to research and write articles that are published and attend and speak at conferences. What is my ex husband doing: nothing. Absolutely nothing. Did he ever get another job - yes, briefly for one year on another government training scheme. Did he ever pay maintenance for my daughter: no. I've no family at all, never inherited anything and never will, and no other means of financial or emotional support was given to us - including never having has assisted housing, which I think you imply your boyfriend has because he seems to have the right to buy his flat? If that's the case then often people are given assisted housing because they either have - or lie and say that they have (and believe me I know plenty of people who have worked the assisted housing system) some condition or experience that prevents them from functioning normally. Is this the case for your boyfriend? If he has a condition then you have to accept it will negatively affect his ability to work in reality. If he lied to get his flat then that, too, is a big indication that he cannot face reality and cope with it honestly.My daughter's life and mine have not been at all easy - but I honestly had a commitment to Art that will be lifelong - sometimes it feels like a curse because I have no choice but to keep going because despite how hard it is I love what I do. In my ex husbands case it was not the same - his interest in Art simply allowed him not to face reality as it was and is and to take it on and work with it. He turned to me, a very young and naive woman ten years younger than him, because I would be less questioning than a woman his own age.Your boyfriend sounds similar and you are absolutely right to query what he is doing - unless he is already doing regular comedic gigs or writing and getting results of some kind that testify to his ability to work in these areas in real terms rather than as a fantasy, then he stands extremely little chance of making this dream in to a reality. It's already at the stage where he is beginning to undermine your standards. With me it went much, much further down the line with my ex husband before I left - by the time I 'got out' I barely knew who I was. I honestly do not know how I got through the last 28 years except to say again that I cannot help but love what I do - for me there's no choice, it's just the way it always has been.
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reader, Malcontent +, writes (19 June 2014):
I feel you are overreacting a bit. Give him some space, allow him to think. Put yourself in his shoes and understand what he's trying to figure out for himself.He's just quit a job that he had originally planned to give him the stability that he needed to pursue a career. That has changed, and all the energy from it has been expended. I don't think you can realistically expect him to just hop into something else so soon. Although, you didn't specify the timeframe since he quit his job, so I'm just speculating on how long-running this has been.Either way, make sure that you tell him that you're readily available for him in whatever that he needs to talk about, and give your support. Make sure he knows that he can turn to you when he needs to talk about his career, future plans with you, and other things that you two need to lay out together.Trust him to find his own way, and come to you.
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