A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend doesn't seem to care about me or get upset when genuinely bad things happen to me. I've had a massive argument with him today and I'm wondering if it's because he's a total jerk or do most people get this way when they can't handle a difficult situation.A few years ago, we were a couple when it happened, I was raped. It went to trial, he believes me or he wouldn't still be with me. But he absolutely sucks at being supportive about it. I feel like I'm a positive person generally, I'm quite happy, lots of people say I'm bubbly. I try not to get sad about it. But a few days ago I was walking past somebody on my way to do some shopping and know for sure she thinks I lied about it all. She stared at me, she was whispering to the girl she was with and I felt like she would punch me if I were close enough. I ended up going in a shop, finding a quite aisle and having a bit of a panic attack about it. I text my boyfriend when I got back home and said I wish you weren't at work I could do with a hug then told him what happened. He replied saying why are you giving me a guilt trip, I don't appreciate reading this at work, don't message me when I'm in work telling me I should be hugging you when I have another 9 hours here. Now I'm in a s*** mood, Thank you.This isn't the first time he's been extremely cold and uncaring about me being raped. After it happened this guys sister sent me horrible abusive messages on Facebook, I told my boyfriend and he told me I was a big girl and to sort it out.He honestly does believe me, he told me to report it to the police, he gave evidence at the trial. But whenever I get upset by it he acts like I'm annoying him talking to him about it. Well not annoying him, he gets angry.In the past five years I've had some pretty bad things happen to me besides this but I wouldn't say I'm clinically depressed or anything, certain things like walking past people looking at me like I'm scum just trigger it all.Has anybody else had this happen? Are most people in general rubbish when dealing with things like this? Or is my boyfriend just a massive jerk who really doesn't care. If I'm going to have to deal with people not believing me and stuff like this happening should I try and find somebody else who would comfort me? Or should I not burden anybody else with this, keep it to myself. I know counselling is a great help but they aren't always going to be there 24/7.
View related questions:
at work, depressed, facebook, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2016): First of all, *big hugs*Second of all, here's what I think: You say your boyfriend believes you, but from the details you describe I think there is a shadow of a doubt in him deep down. I think that's why he had to get drunk and stoned the night before the trial. I think that's also why he lashes out about the rape sometimes. I think him saying things like "everybody believes the guy (the rapist)" in anger is his way of asking you to reassure him over again that it was, indeed a rape. I think somewhere in his subconscious he wonders maybe if this was a hookup that got out of hand. I'm sorry you have to deal with his doubt on top of everything else. However, this doesn't mean your boyfriend is an awful person. It just means he is human, and his terrible fears and confusion about a highly emotionally loaded situation is getting the best of him. I think you need to go to counselling with him. I think you need to talk about these issues in therapy as you sound like you are both suffering from some PTSD. Best of luck. hugs.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2016): HiThanks for your update. Any boyfriend who would use one of the most humiliating and terrifying experiences that anyone can go through, against them in an argument, is not a good guy.Imagine a friend of yours says to you that her boyfriend did this to her. What would you think? You're doubting your boyfriend's loyalty towards you and who can blame you? He may be attentive with the texting etc, but when it comes to the stuff that matters such as supporting you in court, he's more worried about your mother irritating him? He may have his reasons for not being able to deal with this, but if he really loved you, he would put you first. You're doubting him for a reason and you're the one with him, so you're the one who's best to judge. If I were you I would go to a counsellor on my own. Explain the situation to them and see how you feel.It sounds to me as if you would be better off without him as he isn't the man you need him to be and following your update he does sound like a jerk who doesn't care. Sorry.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2016): I understand what everybody is saying that he shouldn't have to constantly deal with my issues or be my personal counsellor. I wish I added a bit more to the question because you're all thinking I live in the past and dwell on this too much.This woman who made me feel like this was definitely talking about me, I used to work with her and the girl who's boyfriend did it, I used to be her friend. Now since it all happened she won't talk to me. All she ever does when I walk past her is glare at me. I don't think I'm paranoid as she is friends with his family.It's not so much that I'm living in the past its the fact that I live in a small town and it's effecting my self esteem knowing that people are talking about me. So when I try and talk to my boyfriend it isn't about me being raped it's about getting upset that this woman is making me feel awful. But I can't talk to him when. Down at all, he just refuses to even try and help.I will take on board not texting him about stuff while hes working. But he texts me throughout the day while he is in work, he goes out of his way to text me good morning and he even tells me what time his breaks will be that day and when he will text next. Although he told me to report this and gave evidence (because I rang and I text him after it happened) he has never supported me at all since then. The night before the trial he got extremely drunk, I have a feeling he took drugs as he acted really weirdly the rest of the week. He didn't stay with me in the night and turned up at court hungover. He didn't even want to sit by me in the waiting room because my mother was annoying him. I honestly don't talk about this or think about it all the time. The only reason this came up again this week is because that woman I walked past got to me. My boyfriend has even brought up the guy who raped me in arguments, he told me before that everybody where I live has shunned me and they all believe him. So besides him not being supportive he has some times used it in an argument to upset me.Besides this issue he is a good boyfriend, I can't really complain and he's not a horrible person. Its just this. I don't get why he's like it, I don't understand why this turns him into somebody I really don't like. But I guess looking at responses people feel things like this should be dealt with by a counsellor only.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2016): Hi
Sorry for all you're going through.
The thing about men is they think entirely differently to women. When we might just want to offload and have a moan and want a bit of empathy, a man thinks he should be fixing everything we're having problems with, not just empathising as a woman would do.
So when you tell him you need a hug and why isn't he with you, he really thinks you're saying exactly that. Almost having a go at him. Whereas a woman would just mean 'I wish you were here with me now, I need you', a man would hear that literally. That you are disappointed in him because he's not where you need him to be and thinks you're having a go at him.
If you present any problem you're having to a man, even in a conversational tone, he will feel a very strong urge to be able to fix it for you. That's what they think we want. And it's how they show their love for us.
Sadly, women often just want to chat and offload. That's all we want and that makes us feel better. We can usually sort our own problems out.
Big misunderstandings occur because of this difference.
He probably feels ABSOLUTELY AWFUL about what happened to you. He probably beats himself up on a regular basis that he wasn't able to prevent it, especially as he was your boyfriend at the time it happened. It is probably one of the single most awful things that a man has to experience...not being able to protect his wife or his girlfriend.
I think he does care...very much. I think he feels enormously guilty about what happened to you.
And despite what you're dealing with, if you care about your boyfriend, you have to learn to look at this from his point of view. All men want to be knights in shining armour. And he wasn't. Through no fault of his own I'm sure, but he probably still feels terrible that he couldn't stop it.
So when you need his help and support, be very careful to not phrase what you're saying to him so that it sounds like an accusation. Such as 'I wish you weren't at work' etc.
Good luck and try and give him lots of love. He probably needs it too. x
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (14 November 2016):
 I think rather than accusing your boyfriend of being a massive jerk or not caring, that you should reframe your question to this:
“Where do I go to get help for still being triggered by certain events, for having panic attacks, and for not having put in place a support system or network when I know this happens a lot?”
Your boyfriend may simply have caregiver’s fatigue. He’s been supporting you through some very upsetting times for a long time and now he just needs a break from being your only support system. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, he just needs you to find another way to cope for a while.
I would encourage you to contact a rape crisis center and get a new counselor, or ring your old one if she or he was helpful at the time.
Sorry you are still being triggered and unhappy by this ongoing trauma.
Your anger and upset at your boyfriend might best be channeled into taking positive action for your well-being. Sadly, even the best caregivers in the world can’t effect change unless the person they are taking care of makes some healthy and positive decisions for her or himself.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 November 2016):
 . No, rhey aren't- and that's not the intent of counseling, to be a 24 /7 shoulder to cry on. But to give you the tools which will enable you to NOT need an immediate shoulder to cry on 24/7 any time when something unplesant or disturbing happens. They would help yu to help yourself. It's not clear to me if you already had counseling and stopped, or if you never went- but ir seems to me that it would greatly benefit you to discuss your issues and feelings NOW with a trained professional, rather than expecting your bf ( or anybody else, as for that ) to be your 24 /7 emotional crutch.
You haven't still quite absorbed the trauma, regardless of your bubbliness, and you haven't overcome it and moved on. I am not saying that you SHOULD and that you are late on schedule, because these are things that cut very deep and can leave permanent emotional scars, we are not talking about a fender-bender. But also, they do not HAVE to cast an eternal , sinister shadow over your life. It all depends how you deal with them, how you come to terms with them.
Maybe you have not found the right way, so far. In fact, I'd venture to say that have not found it, without maybe. You do not heal from rape trauma or PSTD with a steady diet of hugs ( although I am sure that hugs help too, in the initial phase ). You need to do something more radical, more effective: including counseling, including psychotherapy, whatever it takes. And including the ferocious will to move on from trauma, and to never let an accident ( or the accidents ) from your past shape and colour all your present and future.
Will that maybe is a tad feeble, looking at the way you want your bf to be your emotional E.R. regardless of time and circumstances.
Your bf is not a jerk ( although he definitely could have been less blunt and aggressive in speaking his mind ) . He is just frustrated and exasperated, he wants you to stop reading your whole life through the lens of what happened 5 years ago. He wants you to stop seeing yourself just as The Girl who Got Raped. There's much more to you, to your life, to your potential, to your interactions, than being a rape victim. There's no amount of hugs ( help from the outside ) that will fix your problems , if you don't fix your thoughts and perceptions from the inside.
For instance : you met a woman who looks at you and whispers something to a friend. Well, how do you even know it was about you ? Maybe it wasn't. And if it was,, and if they actually looked at you funny... how do you even know it was about the rape; maybe you had a smear of lipstick, or a bad haircut, or , alas, they just don't like you for any of those petty reasons why people dislike each other particularly in small places ( I get the feeling that you do not live in a big city ). Or maybe, yes, they were gossiping just about you and the " lies " you told at the trial. Then- SO WHAT. So big frigging what. The judge believed you, right? End of story. In a democratic system, that's all it counts and that's all you have to care about. You cannot go through life being upset because not all town likes you or believes in your sincerity ! That's their problem,... it does not concern you. Do no evil, fear no evil.
You will say, easier said than done, and I agree , it is not easy and it is not automatic. BUT, just to show you a glimpse of why your loyal and supportive boyfriend may be getting a bit tired and annoyed of always having to be your rock , 24 / 7: Because you do not need a rock- you can be your own rock !- as long as you are willing to CHANGE your thoughts and your perceptions.
...............................
A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (14 November 2016):
 Rape is a serious issue, but if it went to trial and if you won, had support, had your boyfriend's support, family's support and went to therapy and feel like youre over it, then I have to ask you why you have to bring it up? It is a sensitive issue but if youre really struggling with it still, I suggest continuing professional therapy. But if you are happy and in a good place, leave the past where the past is.
You can be victim of rape, harrasment, trauma, war, poverty but if you overcame it and feel all the stronger for it, you can leave it where it is and be the person who you are today. Your boyfriend's text relies to us he feels tired of it and also he feels less of a man because it happened to his girlfriend and he wasnt there to protect you. I wonder how many times you bring this up to point where your boyfriend now feels like a victim to your past. Cut him some slack, if he was a massive jerk he would have dumped you because he didnt enjoy being your boyfriend anymore. Or he can lie via text and just say Be strong XOXOXO. He is being honest that hes hurt you still bring this up.
Just to relate...in college, a professor developed a crush on me and failed me for not accepting and returning his advances. This is nothing compared to rape but the money I put down on that class and the humilation, shame, and victimized feelings I had were very real. I felt awful for a year after it happened and it didnt help that he was creepy and a long-term professor there that I had no chance of winning this case. I didnt tell university staff but I remember feeling small, unseen, and even depressed that it happened to me. But amazingly, LIFE went on. I went on have diff amazing professors, boyfriends, friends, jobs, and had cats. I continued to be me and happy, and that small terrible part of my early 20s just went away. Looking back it doesnt bother me anymore and I can even smile that it made me stronger. I dont bring it up because I chose not too because it was such a small part of my life. MORE amazing things happened me and those defined me more.
DONT let rape define you. Dont let it make you a victim again. And who cares about the people who dont believe that it happened, if YOU know it happened to you and you know the people who love you believe you, why do you care these girls dont believe you? Use common sense and maturity here.
Dont be the victim of your past, be the hero. Learn from it, dont dwell on it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 November 2016):
 I don't think he is a massive jerk, but I DO think he doesn't know HOW to help you.
And in a way, I can kind of understand him getting upset when you text him that you need a hug when he knows FULL well that he CAN NOT come to your rescue. It makes him feel useless. Same with the Facebook thing. You COULD have blocked the woman so she couldn't send ANY more abusive messages and then reported it. And I'm not saying I don't understand why you reached out to him when you got home after your panic attack, I think it's only normal to want to reach out to someone you trust.
I think from what you write he has supported you best as he can. Maybe he is thinking it's way past the time to move past it. But mostly I think every time you bring it up he feels USELESS and HELPLESS - two things most men don't like to feel. So I DO think you need to cut him some slack and find yourself a person whom you CAN talk about this with, maybe another survivor? Not another man. And no, I don't think you should keep it to yourself. Having a person you can talk to and who you, in turn, can support is helpful. So I would perhaps talk to your therapist and see if she/he can suggest something. Or find a local hotline/support site.
What you went through is horrible and NO ONE should have to go through it. EVER. Maybe another reason is, he watched you go through this once and he feels like trying to protect you from going through it again and again - he isn't very good at it, but mostly I think he feels helpless to fix this for you. And he might feel like he somehow should have "saved" you back in the day when it happened and that he failed you, so everytime you have a flashback or are reminded of it, that is brought to the surface as well. I think he wishes he could erase that for you. And it might be that you need to accept that he has limits.
However, I can only guess, it might not be a bad thing to sit him down (not over the phone or text but in person) and talk to him.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2016): It is difficult to give advice when we only know one side of the story. From your description it is already very prominent to me that you're coloring your perspective a certain way and making other people appear BAD without much of an explanation for us to work with. I don't think you should be calling your boyfriend while he is at work to give you a hug. Obviously at work he's not at your beck and call. Dealing with possible PTSD and trauma needs to be done with the help of a therapist or someone else in that field. Your boyfriend provided evidence and believes you but he also has a lot on his plate also. Rape can have very very serious repercussions for one's emotional health. It would be best to see your doctor and describe how you've been feeling. They may refer you to possible services that may help with the trauma. (P.s. I have a degree in psychology and health sciences)
...............................
|
