A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my girlfriend for 3 years, in this time she's had severe drug problems and has cheated on me three times, I love her. but now she wants a commitment and wants us to get married, I said Yes initially after we got back together but I just can't get over the cheating and she has isolated our friends who now talk to me but not her, one of these friends is the wife of my best friend.She does not want me to be friends with her which means my friendship with my best friend will no longer be, these friends have always been there for me and when I left they took me in. She does not know and would go insane if she knew, I love her but I don't want to have to lose my friends, am I wrong to feel this way and how can I tell her that I can't marry her after all ?
View related questions:
best friend, cheated on me, got back together Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (4 May 2011):
 hi
she is the one (from what you have told us) that has done all the damage in this relationship, so why is she the one who gets to call the shots now regarding who you can and can't be friends with?
it is quite obvious that she does not want you to have any friends because she wants to remove the support network from your life and when/if this happens she will still treat you badly but you will have no one to turn to.
stop being so nice. let her deal with the consequences of what she has done. you have given her 3 years of your life already, that is a fair enough chance for anyone i think
xx
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 May 2011):
 tell her exactly what you told us
i'm sorry, you've lied and cheated and I have no trust
you have a drug problem and this is an issue for me
and I refuse to give up my friends.
if you are rethinking the marriage then it's time to not get married.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (4 May 2011):
 No, but ... why are you still with her?
...............................
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (4 May 2011):
Don't marry her. If you do, you will be a hundred times more miserable than you are now, and yet it will be a hundred times harder to leave the relationship in the future than it is now. Once married, if you ever want to leave her in the future you will have to involve lawyers, going to court, and lots of money. Once married, she will probably next demand to have kids and then if you ever want to leave her it will be even more complicated because of having kids with her. So, dont' go down that road.
it sounds like she's selfish (her cheating, and trying to control your life). Therefore it's not surprising she's pressuring you to marry her, it's because she sees marriage as a way to get more of what she wants (whether it's the status of being married, financial security, whatever)...being married to a selfish person, will make you miserable because once you are married, social rules and expectations say that this person has to be a huge part of your life and you can't escape from them as long as you're married.
It's not morally wrong to decide you don't want to marry your girlfriend!! It's not morally wrong to change your mind about marrying someone. if it were, then that means that there's no such thing as marriage, if you already owe someone the rest of your life just by dating them. Clearly that's absurd. Marriage is when you make the commitment for life. Before then, there is no commitment, that's why dating is not-marriage.
I've known guys (friends and family) who felt trapped into marrying girlfriends they actually no longer wanted to be with anymore, but because they felt that it was morally wrong to change their mind about marrying (due in large part to the girlfriend wanting marriage for selfish reasons) so they went ahead and got married. The result is a toxic marriage, unhealthy home for the kids that then inevitably came long (because once married social expectations say you 'have' to have kids even if you don't like your spouse), and all around unhappy and stressed out spouses. Don't go down this road.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2011): OP love is the only thing has kept you with her so far hasn't it? If you didn't love her then there's no possible way you would have let her treat you this way nor let her continue to even be part of your life. Well OP love is not going to make a relationship on its own, it can't make a successful marriage in fact I don't see any reason why you should be with her at all.
The way you tell her you don't want to marry her is by dumping her and completely removing her from your life and moving on.
What future have you got with this girl OP? It sounds to me like you're only with her because your love makes breaking up with her too hard to bear. If that's the case OP you're screwed until you can find a of extricating her from your life.
Have a good long think about what kind of future you could possibly have with a drug addicted cheater, when you dreamed of what it would be like to have a wife and family were those part of your criteria? Were those part of the plan for any relationship at all?
Either cut her loose or prepare for a life with the same problems over and over again as the past 3 years.
...............................
A
male
reader, male_pessimist +, writes (4 May 2011):
She wants to isolate you from your friends, so you don't have anyone for emotional support. She doesn't want you to have anyone you can go to when she betrays and hurts you. Without friends you can talk to, you will be stuck with her, and only her for emotional support, but she has no intention in supporting you emotionally or in any other way. Since she wants you to cut the connections with your friends, she intends to treat you crappy. She wants you to be emotionally connected only to her, so you will forgive her, because without your friends, you will feel alone, and the thought of being alone sometimes hurts worse than being with someone who treats you shitty. She knows this either consciously or subconsciously, but be certain of this...she knows it. But, feeling like it's better being in a shitty relationship than being alone, is an illusion. An illusion which can cause you to slip deeper and deeper into despair as she continues to screw you over and manipulate you into thinking you can't live without her. After awhile, and you may already be there, you become numb to the betrayal and abuse, and you feel like those are the sacrifices you are supposed to make in a relationship. But, remember, that is only an illusion, one she is creating to trap you. I know it hurts to break up...but it sounds like you need to cut ties with her, and do NOT, do NOT allow yourself to slip back into rationalizing or justifying her behavior so you don't have to be alone. Do NOT even talk to her, for she will charm you by pushing the right buttons, and you may fail in your quest to free yourself. Within a few months, if you are strong, and you stay away from her, you will feel proud of yourself and empowered because of the emotional strength you have demonstrated to yourself. This woman is weaving her web, in which to trap you. But be strong. It's hard yes, but you DO have the POWER. That power can only come from you, and you DO have it. Be strong. Good luck!!!
...............................
A
female
reader, Smileypants +, writes (4 May 2011):
 No, it sounds like you are thinking rather clearly. I'm not saying you two could *never* have a successful marriage, but this one would have more dismal odds than most. At the very least, you two should enter couples counseling. If your friends aren't a bad influence (giving you hard drugs, or encouraging you to cheat...), she has no right to tell you who your friends are. Sounds like your buddy and his wife are the ones who will always be there for you- don't give that up!! Especially don't give that up for a person who has already betrayed you at least three times!! Think about it...you marry her, dump the friends who don't like her. Isolated with you, her and your marriage. If (when?) she starts using, staying out, partying and cheating on you who do you run to with the biggest devastation of your life?? No one. What if you two had a kid in this mess by then? Counseling for sure if you might stay...I wouldn't blame you for getting the courage to leave. There are lots of women out there who aren't on drugs and don't cheat. I'm one, but I'm taken!! LolThink long and hard my friend, you're on the right road I think :o)
...............................
A
female
reader, masquerade711  +, writes (4 May 2011):
 First off, I think you are perfectly justified in feeling the way that you feel. Your significant other should not ask you to give up your friends for them, unless the friendship wasn't good for you. But clearly, it looks like you NEED your friends with the situation you have on your hands.
Secondly, if you don't feel that you can marry her, you need to just come out with it and tell her. Explain it to her in very clear, simple terms that she can't convolute and turn around on you. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. She has a problem, not just with drugs but with control, which often go hand in hand. She needs help, but only she can provide that for herself. Only SHE can take the step to enter rehab, see a doctor or a counsellor for help, etc.
There comes a time when we all need to take care of ourselves, and make the best decision that benefits YOU. She's not justified in making you get rid of your friends. And you are COMPLETELY justified in having doubts about marrying her. This will be tough to do, but I truly think you need to end things as soon as possible to prevent any further damage being done to either of you.
masq
...............................
A
female
reader, cupidus +, writes (4 May 2011):
 There is only one way. She has to go to NA and you have to go to Al-non. You can't make her go only request. But you can go to Al-non and get into your situation.
This will take time, time this web site can't help you with. It's a long haul situation and it's got huge to do with who you are. Finding out why you tick the way you tick will help you with this decision.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2011): A wife is supposed to be a companion who compliments your life, not someone who places additional burdens on it.
Do yourself and your future children a favour and save your investment for a woman who isn't going to bring all this baggage to the table.
Should you feel badly for changing your mind about marrying her? No, but you will feel badly for staying with her.
...............................
|
