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Is it worth it to force my wife to talk about a 2 year affair she had years ago? We never talked about it and she doesn't want to now

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 February 2016) 12 Answers - (Newest, 9 February 2016)
A male United States age , anonymous writes:

Ladies....Do you think its worth trying to insist that my wife and i talk about a two year affair that she had MANY years ago, that at the time, we never really did talk about,other than me telling her to end it or else it was going to be the end of our marriage...She did end it and we've been married since...After her affair was discovered, I didnt walk around depressed about what she did, but at some level deep down i think i was, and had alot of resentment towards her. I started showing interest in other women, which i had never done before this point. At the time i didnt think this way, but now i feel like i did it as a way to get back at her...I also immersed my self in a second job, and some leisure activities with friends, which didnt leave that much time to be home...At this point we had our first child.. Now, many years later, the topic is still taboo, and a few times shes said that that I was NEVER around years ago, and was always working or doing WHATEVER, which is her way of saying that I was cheating on her.She thinks that I had multiple affairs with every woman that i talked to, when in reality it was only one , one night stand, which wasnt right on my part, but it wasnt like her TWO YEAR LONG AFFAIR!! Now we have a happy marriage for the most part, but I feel that the strength of our marriage is fragile, due to our complex feelings about the past, which like I said, we never really talked about, just kind of swept it under the rug... I know she really doesnt want to talk about it either, because when I've hinted at it, shes told me " you dont want to have this conversation, unless you want to have a big fight"...Its obvious to me that she has alot of resentment towards me, concerning the past...WHAT SHOULD I DO? We love each other, but i feel the past still haunts us..

View related questions: affair, depressed, one night stand

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada +, writes (9 February 2016):

janniepeg agony auntWhen you married her, it's assumed that you make promises that you've forgiven her and would not talk about the past again. You can promise people you won't cheat, you won't watch porn, but it's impossible to promise you won't ever feel a resentful emotion. Forgiving is much more than uttering the words, I forgive you. You have to feel it, or "unfeel" a resentment. Part of the problem is that both of you bottle up feelings and they are eating you up. Perhaps a fight is needed. I am for fighting if you fight fair. When you do it right, express yourself in a healthy way it does not have to end in destruction. A fight is useless if you can't say you love each other in the end. You say you want a fight, but you want to fight for a stronger relationship. A healthy relationship is not an absence of fighting and pretending everything's okay. I feel a fight, even an explosive one, is necessary but make sure it is only one time. Fighting allows you to say sorry. It's a chance for you to reach out to her because probably you have an empty nest, and you want to close the gap, the awkward silences that you have. It is fragile because you think that honesty can break a relationship. It might surprise you that honesty actually bonds people together. Basically you are telling her you are not satisfied with the pretense that you have. You want to be free to express yourself without shame. Just to be able to say to a spouse, "I am angry, yes even after all these years and I need you to accept that I am having this emotion" is powerful.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2016):

I think some of the other Agony Aunts need to stop blaming the OP for creating new problems and start thinking about where the original problem went. It didn't go away. It didn't get resolved. The husband HELD IT INSIDE HIM all this time.

Now he wants to let it out, and you blame HIM for this? Try reading for 5 minutes about psychology & therapy and you might start understanding why bottling up this was so hard on the OP. What he did was exactly the opposite of the healthy way for him to cope with it. Do you think he did this for fun? No, he sacrificed for his family & marriage & wife. All these years.

Do some of you Agony Aunts only see this from the wife's POV? She cheated for two years, then he had a single ONS in response, so that somehow makes them equal? HA! Ask yourselves, if YOU had a single ONS, and then your partner declared that they had the right to a 2-year affair to even the score, would you agree? Hell no you would not, because a 2-year affair is not remotely equal to a single ONS. (And this example does not even account for the fact that the OP's wife did the 2-year affair first, and he only lashed out in response.)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2016):

It sounds like you both really need to discuss this issue, since it is still causing resentment between you years later.

I think you should probably find a marriage counselor to try to mediate your discussion of the issue, so that it doesn't blow up. At this point it sounds like the problem is just a hidden land mine for your relationship right now, but in order to make it better you have to dig it up and disarm it. Sounds like you both have done some pretty awful things to each other, and you never put each other first.

It is never too late to do this kind of relationship maintenance, and I hope you can get your wife on board with the counseling too. There is no time limit for this kind of thing. I hope that you can start turning toward each other instead of avoiding problems and harboring so much resentment.

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia +, writes (8 February 2016):

Ivyblue agony auntDid you have the one night stand before hand OR as a result of her affair? Because if it was you first and you did not given her any reason or explanation for doing so is why she may feel she owes you likewise. If that is the case maybe it is necessary to be accountable for that first. Some couples cant talk about affairs immediately because it is too raw. Dont want to or even know how to. Two years may be long enough to discuss things with calmer approach. Explain that you don't want to fight rather understand what went wrong for BOTH of you without making it about just you or just her.I dont think there is anything wrong with wanting to discuss the past in order to build a more secure future. I guess it depends on how you go about it. No harm in seeking some guidance from therapist, even if it is by yourself before deciding on your next move.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (8 February 2016):

Honeypie agony aunt"Forcing" her, might not work.

But if it's something that is STILL haunting you to this day, I do think it needs to be discussed.

Who betrayed whom the worst in your marriage it's kind of ridiculous - you both did it to various degrees - she didn't get over it, you didn't get over it. And by focusing on what the other party did xx amount of years ago, you both seem to think you can keep some kind of Mexican Standoff going. IT must be exhausting!

Have you ever seen the BBC show called "Between the Sheets" ? If not, let me explain it real fast. It's a married couple in their 50's something, who marry off they grown daughter and are left with an empty nest. Basically with each other. Now it's not entirely like what you write about, but... there are some similarities - such as a LOT of stuff from the past that was never discussed, that was implied and used as ammo through out the years.

They end up going to see a sex therapist (now you guy might not want to start there...) but a couple therapist might be the way to go. GET it ALL out in the open in a safe environment with someone who can give you BOTH tools to deal with what went on, with her and with you.

I think you both only know the top of the iceberg and maybe.. it's time to look below the waterline.

Living with resentment and regrets - it's just not healthy.

Figure out how to deal with it together.

Obviously, sticking your heads in the sand isn't working any more.

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A male reader, Serpico United States +, writes (7 February 2016):

#1 - Her telling you its your fault is complete bullshit. If you tolerate one second of that you are a fool. Further, it shows she doesnt want to take responsibility for her own actions and is therefore likely to use some other excuse to do it another time.

#2 - Personally, I would have dumped her the moment I found out and never look back. Life is too short to waste a second on a cheater.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2016):

I disagree.

I think to "just let it go" when it comes to accepting an affair and not expecting long lasting effects of that affair is highly idealized if not impossible.

You have lived with it but you have never forgiven her. You are emotionally burdened and haunted by your wife's affair. Revisiting it is your way of getting closure from her in some way, any way, that exorcizes your demons.

The problem is your demons will always be a part of you. There is nothing she can ever say or do to make you feel better about her affair.

So what if she chose you? The fact is she was intimate with another man for two whole years while married to you. 2 years is a long time. That was not a lapse in judgment. It was a whole other relationship. And there is no statute of limitations on hurt feelings and resentment.

You will carry on the rest of your life feeling hurt. And if you tell her, she can attempt to help you feel better about her affair but sadly you are never going to feel better.

She chose you out of obligation is my guess. You should resent she even had to make such a choice. I highly doubt you will ever get over her affair. Even if she is now past it. Because you are the one who was betrayed.

You are going to always carry this burden. You have to choose for yourself to let it go because it is the healthier and the saner choice. But in reality you don't want to be vulnerable to this happening again. And you are likely to hold onto the betrayal as a form of self protection in case she does it again.

Not a good place.

I understand.

You can't let that go.

Most people would not be able to.

I do think you might both benefit from counselling.

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A male reader, Garbo United States +, writes (6 February 2016):

Garbo agony auntYou never state what is the purpose of you revisiting that episode when, long ago, you put a closure to it by giving her the ultimatum to end the affair or divorce. She evidently chose you. That closure was good for you then, so what's wrong with it now?

If you think that the strength of your marriage is fragile, it is very unlikely that revisiting that episode would remove the fragility. It would make it even more fragile if nothing else but out the principle that you closure is being violated now.

You should look at positive things to do to strengthen your marriage. I don't know what your routines, communication, and expressions of affection between both of you are, but counsellors are the mediators that can help strengthen that in case both of you have no clue on how to go about hitting beyond your past baggage and sparking up your romance. Bring up the nasty past, which she maybe ashamed of angry about, is not fostering positive emotional forces to strengthen you marriage.

Just let it go.

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A female reader, like I see it United States +, writes (6 February 2016):

like I see it agony auntIs it worth it to bring this back up now?

Let me be completely straightforward with you: in my opinion, absolutely not. The right time to hash things out with your wife and address whatever questions you had would have been "many years" ago, after the affair was first discovered. Before you decided to stay in the marriage for years and years and years, and, most importantly, BEFORE you brought a child/(children?) into the mix. Nothing about revisiting this old, sore subject is going to improve the stability of the family you and your wife have since created. You stayed with her; you got her pregnant, effectively tying you two together for another eighteen years minimum, if only over the logistics of child-rearing. Based on those choices your wife has every reason to assume you have forgiven the affair and moved on from it as she has done. Bringing it up now will only cause more friction and more resentment in your marriage.

I'd also ask you to give some serious thought to what you are actually hoping to get out of this "talk."

Are you seeking details of specific sex acts so the images can haunt you later? Search this site for retroactive jealousy and you will find a litany of posts from men (and some women) wishing they could forget (or had never heard) things they have learned or imagined about their partners' past encounters. Please don't create that problem for yourself where it doesn't exist currently.

Or perhaps you'd like your wife, who has clearly moved on from the other man, to start thinking about him again as you demand that she revisit the buried memories of their time together? Surely this can't be the case.

Counseling of a general nature, either for you alone or together as a couple, may help you to work through this, but I'd strongly advise against demanding to hear all the specifics of a mistake that you have both tried for years to put behind you.

I hope you are able to find peace with this one day. Good luck and best wishes.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (6 February 2016):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntWHAT SHOULD I DO? We love each other, but i feel the past still haunts us..

What you should do is keep quiet about this incident in your (and her's) past.... and get on with life and you marriage.

There is NO GOOD that can come from resurrecting this incident.... it's over.... it's done.

For your own peace of mind, you might wish to consult with a trusted clergyman or counsellor..... but, beyond that.... let this "sleeping dog" lie!!!

Good luck... for a happy and healthy rest-of-life with wifey....

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A female reader, Tottochan India +, writes (6 February 2016):

If you need closure, then yes, you two probably should have that talk.

But remember that she ended that affair and decided to be with you. Don't use this conversation as a weapon against her. Just tell her calmly that you have unresolved issues regarding this affair. And also come clean on whatever you did to get back at her.

But I would have to caution you. What could she say to you that would help now? Think long and hard on whether you want to have this conversation and possibly reopen old wounds. But if this thing is eating away at you, then I guess that you should have the talk.

All the best.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2016):

oh my you have got the winter blues and your way of dealing with it is to try to pick on your wife about an affair that is so far back in the past that you have both moved on and had a child together and tried to make a successful marriage.

But you now want to hit the self destruct button which isnt necessary as you can see that the mega forces are already doing that in their quests to rule the world.

Would you go to a grave yard thirty years after an event just to tell the deceased you still love them?

No, you would not because they would be in spirit and well aware that you still loved them even if you could no longer manifest that love and had moved on in the spiritual and physical sense.

I am being rather hard on you but in your manly way you have forgotton that it is Valentines day looming on the horizon and couples are trying to remind themselves of their love for each other with roses , romance and good food.

Some even go so far as to delight their partner with emblazoned eternity rings and bracelets and necklaces

But you in your Mad Hatter Way want to dish her a plate load of stale old arguements reinforced by the idea that your entire marriage has been one hypocritical sham.

And what of your child?

Even as young as eight year olds know that st valeentines is supposed to be an "I love you" day full of kisses and hugs and hearts, so i think your suggestion of raking over a long dead affair from the past is quite simply the opposite of whats generally going round.

Lets see , you could invite over a hooker couldnt you ?..Maybe that would work as a family to say "I love you" or NOT?

In fact definately Not.

Get yourself down to your local store and splash out on flowers and chocolates and tasty morsels and have a happy evening reminding yourself that you finally made it as a family.

POp corn and a film for afters of the family kind and then snuggled between the sheets you can whispher "Ilove you and wouldnt want to be married and have my child with anyone else but you."

Depending on how your day , your working week and your libidos feel you may or may not celebrate in style or comfort but for goodness sake dont go for a deadend raking up of the past.

Move forward and be proud of your family ,making sure you find time to be with them.

Even if you have unresolved guilt about your lack of attention or affection towards your family now is not the time to air it.

Your child has a school to go to and they dont want to arrive devastated with the news that their family is about to separate and have a divorce especially when all the other kids are as high as kites because they all had a happy day and want to talk about who gave a card to who.

Lighten up man or you will sink the ship.

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