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Is it wise to confront him with all that I have found out about him in contact with his ex? We have been together for 12 years

Tagged as: Dating, The ex-factor, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 March 2016) 5 Answers - (Newest, 30 March 2016)
A female United States age 41-50, *oolish for 12 years writes:

I have been with this man for 12 years

I just recently found out that he has been paying for his ex bills though their kids are grown

Found out Thur text on his phone with texting and calling each on it the daily

found text where they are sending kissing emoji I'm so wanting to confront him with this that I know about all these conversations they are having.

He works at night do it's a great opportunity for this to's not that I really care anymore because I think he has hurt me as much as a man ever could even before this but is it wise to confront him with this because I know what's going to come out his living mouth

View related questions: his ex, kissing, text

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2016):

". . . is it wise to confront him with this because I know what's going to come out his living mouth"

You've answered your own question.

No point confronting him when you know he won't own up to anything and/or throw it back in your face.

All that will come of it is he'll know you know exactly what a scumbag he is and since that's apparently not enough to make you consider leaving him then he'll respect you even less than he does now.

He's been using you as a doormat for twelve years because you've allowed it. Men can't disrespect women who respect themselves.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (30 March 2016):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntBe sure to accumulate all the evidence you can find about all the B/S that has been going on... (Oooops,... you're not married, are you?..)

Then, walk away from him and get on with your life...

Good luck.

P.S. Maybe you live in a state wherein staying together for 7 years constitutes "common-law" marriage. Time to see a lawyer....

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia + , writes (30 March 2016):

femmenoir agony auntHi,

the fact that you had to find out via text msgs isn't nice at all and must leave you feeling very betrayed.

You ought to confront your partner and ask him outright, what is going on with his ex and what are his feelings toward her as of now.

If he tells you that they've always had a friendly and platonic friendship, i would find this hard to accept, because if he was totally honest and upfront with you from day one, he'd have forewarned you 12 years ago and said, "my ex and i broke up amicably and we've decided to remain as friends", as believe it or not, many people are able to.

He then could have given you the option, as to whether or not you could handle and accept this, but he didn't, he chose not to tell you and for this reason, he cannot be trusted at all.

If you are this unhappy with this man, you should think about where your future together is going and now that his secret is out of the closet, this changes the dynamics of YOUR relationship with him.

It won't change for him, but it will for YOU, because he all along, knows what he's been doing, but it's YOU who didn't know.

I would find a quiet time of day, away from others, to discuss this as adults and in a mature and rational way, without the need for any shouting and/or aggression.

Getting angry will not change anything, it won't change the facts, because it is what it is, take it or leave it.

The ball is now in YOUR court, as to what the outcome is. You choose whether you stay or go.

Talk it out and if you guys decide to remain together, you may require a bit of couples counselling to help you along.

If your partner is still in love with his ex, or God forbid intimate with his ex, then your troubles are thrice doubled.

If it's purely platonic and this can be verified by his ex, then maybe you guys stand a chance, but only if you are able to deal with that, which from the sound of your msg, i doubt.

Either way, you've been lied to over the course of many years.

Your partner should have been upfront with you from the start and now that you know the truth, you must decide what's best for you.

What you will or won't tolerate.

What you can or can't forgive, etc;.

I wish you all the best!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2016):

I don't know whether or not you are married to this man, but I'd walk away from him and tell him exactly why, unless you want to spend another twelve years like the past twelve.

I know how hard it is to leave a long term relationship, no matter how dysfunctional, but prolonging the pain like this is worse. The sooner you get out and on with your life, the faster you can heal and lead a less stressful and hopefully happier life.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 March 2016):

Honeypie agony auntNow that you know, what do you intend on doing AFTER you confront him?

Continue to BE with him? Or have you had enough ?

You say "he has hurt you as much as a man ever could even before this" - but you are STILL with him.

Why stay with a man who has done that? WHAT do you get out of staying?

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