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Is it weird that I don't feel anything for him after losing my virginity to him?

Tagged as: Dating, Sex, Virginity<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 April 2017) 8 Answers - (Newest, 20 April 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 18-21, anonymous writes:

Hi I'm 17, soon to be 18, and a few weeks ago i lost my virginity. Me and this guy have known each other for some time over a year and have been good friends ever since. Although we've been just friends there's been this kind of sexual tension (for the past few months) between us when we're together and when we're alone especially. Long story short we were hanging out at his and stuff happened after a couple of hours or something and we had sex. I know this all sounds kind of cliqué, like the guy invites the girl over to "chill" and they have sex. It was actually a tiny bit different, well not much, but we were just innocently hanging out and i made the first move. The build up for the past few months was just so slow and i wanted to speed things up, i know it sounds pathetic but it makes sense in my head. Neither of us were looking to get into a relationship, we're friends and wanted to stay friends, but also had "needs" i guess. So i let him know that i was okay with having sex with him, i mean i trust him and knew he wouldn't do what i didn't want. We did and it was fun; we laughed and joked around during and it was just a great experience. I'm glad that i had sex for the first time with someone i knew well and trusted rather than some stranger on a drunken night out or something. So anyway, this was a few weeks ago, the friendship hasn't changed, if anything it's better, like we have a better kind of bond but not in the relationship way (it's hard to explain). We're both cool with the fact that we are still friends. My friends however have been on my case about "how can you have sex with him and not have feelings for him?" I can't explain it but i just don't. I think of him as a friend and nothing more, the sex hasn't had any emotional impact, which i don't really understand. I don't feel any emotional attachment, I'm just content with how we are right now and it's not awkward we're just the same as we've always been for the past year. Is it weird that i don't feel anything for him after losing my virginity to him?

View related questions: drunk, lost my virginity

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (20 April 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntIt is not weird, but did you practice safe sex? you are both so young so hopefully you where prepared and safe.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2017):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you everyone for your comments i really appreciate it and just figured I'd respond and hope you read it. So firstly, we did use protection - it was not planned but he had condoms (he's a guy after all) and i would not have done anything with him otherwise. Secondly, @chigirl your advice has been amazing and deep down I've kind of known that having sex with him could be risky and that i might get feelings. Which i haven't so far. As for the future, i will be moving to a different city in august for university and will probably never see him again as he is moving somewhere else too. Well actually, chances are we will bump into each other at some point when we both visit (the city isn't that big). What i mean is, i think that is the reason why i didn't think too hard about having sex with him when i did. Because i knew I'd be leaving and then that would be that. I don't know maybe when august comes and it's time to leave, any subconscious emotions might hit me I'll just have to wait and see, but the move will be perfect for me i think. Obviously at the moment he's the first and only guy I've had sex with (there was one other guy a couple of years ago who i was somewhat intimate with but we didn't) and so he'll always kind of be there. I mean, he's the only comparison for my next encounter with another guy and I'll always know that he was my first and that we were not in a relationship (as i had always planned my first time to be). But other than that i don't want any hard feelings, if it means going off to university and cutting ties with him completely (which may be harder than it sounds i don't know) then so be it. I hope that we can be friends for the remainder of my time at home but we'll see.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (20 April 2017):

If you were just decided out of the blue to mess around, that means no condoms were involved; because it wasn't planned. Always be careful, especially if you have no feelings. Your life will become quite complicated if you get pregnant at such a young age.

You don't desire him as a boyfriend, but you trust him and you both do have an understanding and friendship. I doubt either of you are prepared or want to be parents at this stage in your lives. So use a condom each and every time.

Keep this in-mind. If the girl gets pregnant, the boy has the option to just walk away and he has less responsibility. He doesn't have to carry it around in his body for nine months, and have to push it out of his genitals at childbirth. Sex is not a game, it's serious and meant for adults.

Sex is best when there are feelings involved. It is even better when it is used to express how strongly you feel for someone. We're humans, and we don't just do it randomly and without responsibility like animals in the wild. Although some people do, they aren't usually responsible or caring people anyway. They have messy lives, and have kids they don't really want. Only to offer them miserable dysfunctional lives.

You've lost your virginity. Now take responsibility and take good care of your body.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (20 April 2017):

chigirl agony auntYou don't know yet if you have attached feelings. Just wait for him to get a girlfriend, or catch him flirting with another girl, or hear about him having sex with someone else. Only then will you know for sure. Right now, I say its natural that you don't feel in love, but you probably DO feel possessive of him. You describe a closer bond etc.

Just be aware that you might have gotten attached even if you're not experiencing deep emotional changes on the surface. It's something entirely different to be friends who have had sex, and remain friends... as opposed to being friends with someone you had sex with, who then starts to date/have sex with someone other than you. As for now, right now, even if you say you are just friends, he is still "yours". As in, he is your close friend with whom you feel a special connection, even if you are not in love. If he finds someone else, he will have that close bond and special connection with someone else, and you will be left alone. I really doubt you would feel so casual about things then. So just be warned, and prepare yourself mentally for him being with someone else.

I would recommend you talk to him about exclusivity in the bedroom, even as awkward as such a conversation can sound to you. Because you don't know what he's thinking, maybe he's already trying to have sex with other girls, and I am 100% that at this point, that WOULD hurt you. So talk to him about maybe him and you having an exclusive arrangement where you are not in a relationship, but only have sex with each other. Or, that he makes a promise to not have sex with anyone else until two months or something. Just to give you some time to bury any attachment that has arisen subconsciously.

The first guy I had sex with was also just a friend who I was not in love with. I have never been in love with him. But I can tell you I DID get possessive over him. I didn't want a relationship with him, but he was MINE, all the same. And this really surprised me to find out, anf I wasn't even aware of this until I got jealous. It didn't pass either, until I found a new guy that I liked. I actually really started to dislike my friend who I had sex with, because suddenly I felt entitled to more of his time, his attention, his affection. I got angry when he didn't want to spend time alone with me etc. Things I didn't care about at all before we had sex. Somehow, subconsciously, I felt that having had sex should bring us closer, as you describe: a deeper friendship or closer connection, even if just as friends. But that didn't really happen, as was evident in the following months.

This just happened with you and him a few weeks back. It's way too early to state that nothing has changed in your friendship. I think something definitely HAS changed, or else you wouldn't say the friendship is better with a stronger bond. This better friendship of yours is a possible imagination. So what happens if he stops being a good friend to you? You would no doubt feel incredibly hurt, precisely because you did have sex with him, so you are bound to expect more of his friendship with you. Even if you don't want a relationship, or are not in love. So, just take my warning and prepare yourself mentally for him being a sucky friend/him having sex with someone else and stop talking to you. If you can go through that without being hurt, then truly nothing has changed.

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A male reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (19 April 2017):

olderthandirt agony auntOK, firstly you didn't "lose" you virginity you gave it up to someone you're not even sure is in love with you. He didn't have and still doesn't have feeling for you or he wouldn't be distant now. You gave up your ONLY gift you had for a husband in the future. You'll just have to find a way to live with yourself. Sorry, but I only give blunt truthful answers.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2017):

It's not weird that you didn't develop feelings for him. Sex can do many things emotionally to men and women, but it's never the same- there is no 'normal.'

What I would say is unusual is that things are ok between you as they are. I'm not saying there's anything wrong in that, it's just more often than not, one of the couple does develop some kind of feeling. Your friends may well have seen how sex can change a relationship in others and they find it strange that that hasn't happened in any way at all for you.

Don't worry about what your friends have to say. Whatever is 'normal' isn't the way it happens for everyone. Your experience is evidence of that!

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (19 April 2017):

CindyCares agony auntNo it's not weird at all.

It's a dick, not a magic wand. It can't make you fall in love at first contact.

As you notice yourself, there are plenty of girls who have their first time with some stranger on a drunken night out. Or yielding to peer pressure, with someone they don't even like. Or to win a bet, or to just get it out of the way and be a bit experienced for the " real " one. Or for any number of wacky reason which have nothing to do with love and feelings. Maybe it should not be this way, but it IS.

I think your friends maybe are , deep down, a bit jealous that you can handle this sort of thing in such a level headed ," together " way , while the norm and the natural inclination in your age range goes more toward creating big dramas and making mountains of a romantic / sexual molehill.

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A female reader, fishdish United States +, writes (19 April 2017):

fishdish agony auntNo I would consider it somewhat of a good thing since you guys seem to be on the same wavelength about it. You can't force feelings, and right now you're in a good place. Tell your friends that you're not interested in their input. At your age, I am not surprised your friend group is trying to live vicariously through you and project romance where there isn't and force something that isn't natural for you two, but don't let them pressure you or guilt you into feeling something you're not. Sex doesn't have to involve love, it doesn't have to involve feelings, but it is nice when you can trust the other person and do it with someone you have at least a good level of respect and appreciation for. As long as you use protection, then you're doing something right!

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