A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:It's a pretty new relationship of 5 months. My boyfriend is 5 years younger than me, making me 27 and him, 22 years old. I overcame the "he's younger than me...is it okay" phase. however, I'm facing a new dilemma. I'm going to want to start having a family within the next 2-3 years and i'm not sure he will be ready. it's also really early to bombard him with this conversation...even though i keep having it with myself over and over again. then, there are my parents who are "hinting" at me starting a family. I sure as hell am not ready now, as i am in school and will hopefully graduate in a couple of years, but the thought of not having kids for another 7-10 years is out of the question. i love my boyfriend, but I really don't know how to make myself feel better about this. Any ideas? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, breannaleal +, writes (28 November 2010):
how do you no if hes not ready if u havent asked him, talk about it and see what ur future holds and if u guys dont have the same dream u guys arent meant to be.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010): Thanks to all of you guys for your very helpful answers. I have asked my friends for their advice, but it's a bit different and more helpful getting answers from strangers who do not know me personally. :)
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (26 November 2010):
 I dont think it is too early to have the conversation, you are not asking him to have a family right away - you just need to know for the future if he wants the same thing as you.
Think of it this way - imagine if you stay with this guy for 2-3 years, then finally get around to having the conversation, to only then find out that he does not want children? How upset would you be knowing you had wasted 2-3 years with a man who does not want what you want, and therefore has decreased your chances of ever having a child because as women we all know our fertility is decreasing all the time and after the age of 30 it gets much more difficult.
I believe it is VERY important at the start of a relationship to make sure you and your partner want the same things, share the same values and are working towards the same goal. You need to establish early on if he wants children, marriage etc to make sure that you are both compatible in terms of your future dreams. There is no point in staying with someone who never wants kids when you really want a family - so it is important to talk about this soon.
It is normal for couples to discuss the future early on in the relationship, you are happy and in love and you should want to talk about where it is going and what you both hope to get out of the relationship.
So what I suggest is that one day, when you are talking about the future (wait for it to naturally come up in conversation) then just drop in something like "I would really love to have children one day, I see myself being a mum when I am about 30". Just see what he has to say about that - he may be excited too about being a father, or he may look horrified and tell you he would not think about kids until he is 30 etc.
Talking about this is the only way to ease your worries and to make sure you dont waste any time with a man who you do not share the same dreams and aspirations for the future.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010): You need to find out the answers to your questions! It's very important that you know how to plan for the future you want.
It's not fair to you to have to invest 2-3 years more into this relationship only to find that your boyfriend is not ready/willing to have children yet.
I understand that it's early in the relationship, but try bringing it up casually just to get a feel for what he's thinking. If you don't feel comfortable out right saying it, why not try to be subtle about it? Like if you see a kid & just say something like, "Oh, I'd like to have one some day, what about you?". Something like this can just get the conversation going.
Obviously, I think you'd be best off just flat out asking him so you know exactly what to expect. Yes, he's younger than you but his maturity level might be totally different. Some 25 year old men do want to settle down.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (26 November 2010):
 There has to be SOME maturity that dwells in him, otherwise you would not be with him would you? Unless you are attracted to immaturity.
Assuming you have known him for a long time, it is alright to talk to him about this, it may not necessarily seem like a bombardment. Families have been started at a far younger age and you are ready for one, it is natural. You should at least get to know if HE is ready. If there is love, his heart will not falter from you just because you want a family. Although, you did mention that this relationship has only been through 5 months, it is early. You need to be with him for longer to ensure that you will be able to maintain a healthily functioning relationship in the future, otherwise, starting a family with him may not be the best idea right now.
I hope that helps.
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