A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:A year ago i went though a trauma. My ex beat me black and blue and strangled me repeatedly in a spontaneous rage. It took a few months for him to begin serving prison time, and so my feelings of safety were further compromised during that period of time. I now have ptsd symptoms. It seems as though i don't have too many triggers, but i have at least 2 that really set me uneasy. One is when i argue with my new guy, even if it's just a simple disagreement, i can't handle any sort of voice raising. Another is action movies. I feel like people don't realize how triggering media is for ptsd. I explained this to him early on. We've been together five months now. Earlier today he started watching a movie, wasn't a scary movie, just a lot of action, and i ended up leaving the room to sit on my bed for the whole thing. He had the tv up loud and everytime some one in the movie was fighting for their lives i could hear the drama of it and it was very triggering. I can still hear the sound of my exes rage like it was yesterday. I became upset by the time the movie ended and he seems to think I'm being irrational And giving him a hard time just to do so, but it's something I've explained to him on quite a few occasions. I feel like its a very simple favor to just not play violent movies around me. I woke up a little bit ago to find that he never came to bed last night either. He's drank himself to sleep in my livingroom and left me in bed alone to deal with "my issues". He's usually a caring guy, but often seems incompetent. I'm not sure why i have to be in tears having a full blown panic attack for him to take me seriously. It's going to be hard to look at him in the morning. I'm not sure what to think or do about any of my situation. It's been a long process putting my trauma behind me. I just wish he at least wouldn't trigger me. Any advice would be appreciated
View related questions:
my ex, period, violent Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 September 2018):
 He simply doesn't understand your issues. It is your home so he should respect your rules. It is all still clear in your mind and you need more intense therapy to regain control over the triggers that you have. However I don't think it is the best time to be in a new relationship when you still have a lot off issues. In your mind it isn't hard for him to do as you ask, but in his he doesn't see the problem and he thinks you are over reacting. It can be hard for someone to understand PTSD. Honestly I would end the relationship and focus on getting yourself better.
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (4 September 2018):
 I still say this guy can make accommodations if he really cares. Turning the volume down? Shouldn't be a problem to a guy. Putting the movie on a laptop/tablet and using headphones? Again, shouldn't be a problem. Not raising his voice at a woman he's only been dating for 7 months? Shouldn't be a problem. And if any of these are, you should really consider him not sensitive enough or capable to be with someone like you who either A) needs to be alone and work out stuff alone or B) needs someone who IS able to accommodate, wear kid gloves, and be sensitive to these needs.
But still, therapy should be part of the mix too.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2018): I'm sure you never made a choice to be in an abusive relationship. Youwish was very wrong to say that.
Should you really be in a relationship now though? You obviously haven't gotten over the traumatic event that happened to you and this could take a very long time (I should know)! This new fella is making things worst for you, not better.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 September 2018):
 Here's the problem:
You are making your ex a part of your CURRENT relationship. You're telling your current boyfriend that your EX is more important, and that because you made the choice in dating an abusive man, it's your current boyfriend who has to suffer for it.
Unless you're actively dealing with your issues and your PTSD head on with ongoing professional treatment, then you're going to destroy your current relationship by demanding that your current boyfriend walk on eggshells around you. Making your current boyfriend NOT raise his voice in an argument comes across as manipulative and a way to be controlling in a relationship. Raising voices IS a healthy response sometimes. Your boyfriend, if he isn't allowed to be himself and NOT be affected by your ex, is going to explode like a grenade.
Your boyfriend isn't your therapist, either. You are certainly mature enough to know that action movies aren't the same as an ex's actions. If you were in therapy like you should be, you would be working on that fact.
Your boyfriend shouldn't have to accommodate for an ex. Your boyfriend isn't your therapist or security blanket. He isn't your ex. If you can't have a relationship in which your ex doesn't intrude on it, then you're not ready to BE in a relationship.
This is no different than if your ex had been a serial cheater, and so in response, you demand that your current boyfriend turn over his phone and computer passwords to you so you can snoop at will, where he HAS to check in on his whereabouts every hour, and if he doesn't say "Good night" to you, you have a panic attack and accuse him of cheating, all because of what your ex did to you.
That's as unfair as you demanding your current boyfriend nurture and nourish your issues now. I have no doubt that you have PTSD, but your issues are YOURS, and the only time it's okay for you to ask him to change his behavior for you is if it's only a TEMPORARY accommodation AND AND AND you are currently in active, current, and ongoing professional therapy to treat your PTSD, and that you are not making your boyfriend be your only support for this. You'll destroy your current relationship by having your ex be a part of it any way shape or form.
It isn't fair. YOU chose your ex. Your boyfriend didn't. YOU must own your issues alone, and if you don't deal with them professionally and aggressively, you're going to lose this guy. He is already resenting how your ex takes precedence over him in your life. He has to tiptoe around your ex. He can't express himself because of your ex. He can't watch what he likes because of your ex. That is exceedingly and completely unfair and a deal-breaker.
You must go get professional help. That will help you recover and deal with those issues. You are no longer being abused. That is over. It's time to make it over in your mind now too, and banish your ex and all traces of him from your life and your current relationship for all time.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2018): You don't sound ready to date yet. You have issues which are totally understandable, (been there myself), but I don't think that you should be putting them on to others. On the one hand it's not a big thing to ask your boyfriend to refrain from watching loud and violent movies, but he also shouldn't have to change himself or his likes or dislikes to date you. He isn't doing anything wrong watching a movie. It can't be like this all your life. You must find some help for your situation. Then your boyfriend can behave in a normal fashion without having to feel bad. I do sympathise with you having been in an abusive relationship for five years where I was throttled and my life threatened on a few occasions. I stayed single for a long time. Until I had worked out my demons. Then I didn't have to put them on anyone else. Also if your boyfriend DOES understand your situation and DOES know what PTSD is about and how it affects you, but doesn't really care, then I would have a think about that too.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (3 September 2018):
 First of all, I'm really sorry your ex did that. Now for the advice:
Therapy. Continuously. Also, you started dating pretty quickly, considering you've already been with this guy for 5 months or so and the trauma was only a year ago. That's not really giving yourself enough time, OP.
Anyway, go back to therapy and make your home a no trigger zone because he can watch the films at his own place or break up and watch them with another person.
...............................
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (2 September 2018):
I don't disagree with HoneyPie that therapy will be very helpful here. However, I do think that your boyfriend should be way more accommodating than he is. Are you sure you're ready for a relationship so soon after this happened? I wonder how much your boyfriend truly understands what happened to you. I find this hard but it's important that you're being vocal about telling him in the moment you're experiencing being triggered. Like, did you mention to him could he put the volume down? Or did you just sit in the other room hoping he'd get the picture that you were uncomfortable in your own home?
Maybe he understands the events and the words you say about what transpired, but that might not translate into a guy understanding that you can't be talked to the same way you can any girl he's in a relationship with. You need extra kid gloves. Honestly if you can't get that from him, it is going to affect your progress.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 September 2018):
 I think the BIGGEST thing you can do is work on your issues your PTSD.
To expect that everyone around you to walk on eggshells in fear of "triggering" you, is not super realistic. Now that doesn't mean that people you spend time alone with (like your BF) doesn't have to be considerate to you and what you are going through - it just means that most people might not "get" what you are going through.
So my advice? I think you need to get back in therapy and working through this. THAT should be your primary goal, NOT trying to change the world to suit. And if your BF can't stick to LOWER volume and LESS violent movies WHEN he is at your house, he can stay home. A little COMMON COURTESY from him is not too much to expect.
Not for your BF's sake but for your own. You need to work through this and conquer your fears. Work on the anxiety.
I live with a veteran with combat PTSD. He DIDN'T want to deal with it for a VERY long time. He has now agreed to see a counselor after we had a pretty violent thunderstorm that sent him into a severe panic attack.
We live in an area where thunderstorms are not uncommon so it's not something he can just pretend doesn't happen or doesn't set it off.
You need to take the bull by it's horns.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2018): I think you need help to deal with your issues . As a mental health worker I would say that you are not helping your situation any . I didn't have a fab childhood to an extent not my parents fault btw and I could easily have done what you do. Distance myself . Movies likes this are common .. people are loud at times.. you need help to overcome your fear and strategies on how to remove yourself from any situation
...............................
|
