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Is it too much to ask for a phone call everyday in a long distance relationship?

Tagged as: Dating, Long distance<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (3 February 2008) 12 Answers - (Newest, 2 July 2017)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Is it too much to ask for a phone call everyday in a long distance relationship? This is my second long distance relationship where my other decides to not call or return calls for 4 days at a time, when we typically talk daily. I ended the first on over it, but here I am in same situation again. I am tempted to break this one off as well, but worry that I am the one being unreasonable. I'm not, am I?

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A female reader, Kmb2010 United States +, writes (2 July 2017):

I am in a LDR for SEVEN years now. Normally we see each other every weekend. It's been extremely difficult at times and he actually cheated on me. We broke up for two months and it was so difficult trying to make him not part of my life anymore, we both cried everyday and were generally heartsick without each other. I am head over heels in love with him and he says he feels the same about me and can't live with out me. With that said, because he cheated and how he was with the phone when he cheated, which was he ignored my text (I could tell he read them) he didn't answer my FaceTime or calls and if he did it was short and sweet. Therefore NOW when I can't reach him it takes me back to how I felt when he cheated on me. Ignoring my text. It's BS. I WOULD LIKE A CALL EVDERYDAY IN THE EVENING AFTER OUR WORK DAYS ARE DONE.

I feel that's reasonable. I think if he doesn't call then he's not thinking about me. Cause I ALWAYS have him on my mind and I miss him terribly when we are apart. I feel a call a day is reasonable, especially if anything to help build the Trust again. I'm extremely upset right now because his phone went dead Wednesday evening and he hasn't.charged it and it's now Sunday morning. I am in diisbelie. We never have gone this long with no contact. I'm thinking the worst of course not to mention it's the 4th of July weekend and he didn't even come visit me and it's a holiday! Wtf. I am considering breaking up because emotionally I can't handle this. Maybe I expect too much.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2008):

Im also in a ldr...but my situation is kinda opposite to urs..my bf calls me everyday n we talk for over n hr or even more sometimes...but at times i feel like we dont have much to say to each other coz we share almost every little detail of our days everyday n wish that he keeps the conversation short or just text me instead of calling me...maybe ur bf feels like i do..that doesnt mean he loves u any less coz i love my bf a lot...and maybe he thinks ull have a lot more to talk abt if u skip a few days...and even as i write this i know i wont feel too good if he stops calling me everyday coz sometimes when he doesnt i miss him terribly...i guess the way to go abt it is to keep the phonecalls short and sweet...wish u all the best

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A female reader, bumble bee +, writes (19 February 2008):

My BF is in the Army and has been for almost 2years now. Generally i see him every weekend but still i get a phone call for about an hour every weekday! There is obviously exceptions when this cant happen but we would both send a text to say that we wouldnt be able to call today and explain why.

Its just courteous.

But then everyone is different and what works for us may not work for others

HTH x

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2008):

Thanks heartstick for taking the time to actually give a thoughtful answer. I understand if he can't call me every single day, but most days I would appreciate a goodnight call or an I'm thinking of you text. I had already discussed this with him prior to the posting, which is why I was so frustrated to go several day without a response to my texts or a call back.

I think you are hit a few good points. Yes, I am a little insecure because we had gotten together last year and he stopped calling for a few weeks which ended it. This is our second attempt.

He swears I'm the only one he wants to be with and that he wants me to move in with him, yet during the few months in the meantime, he says its too much to promise to call everyday. It bothers me, in large part because I'm the one who's going to have to give up my job and make the big leap. The call a day was to ensure he was in this too.

I do have difficulty trusting him. I've never actually caught him in a lie, but he gives me many reasons to suspect often. For example, he aways seems to invite me to events which would be significant and then not actually end up taking me for some reason or another, like his company work party or his sister's wedding. He hangs out at the same bar at least 3 days a week, where he is friends with all the servers(male and female) and managers. His best friend used to work there. He had a girlfriend that he cheated on every weekend. Also, when we first started hanging out, he had girls call and text him all the time. He would dismiss them, calling them psychos that couldn't take a hint. Later one of those girls, he lovingly called psycho #2 somehow had become one of his best friends and they hung out all the time. I don't know, something in my gut tells me not to trust him a lot of the time. If not for this, the lack of daily communication probably wouldn't bother me so much. Anyway, I got some more sorting out to do, but I appreciate your response. Thanks.

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A female reader, heartsick United Kingdom +, writes (7 February 2008):

Could he phone you every day? Maybe he could phone most days. Should he phone you every day? That is the tricky question!

Clearly you think he should, but from the fact that he isn't meeting that, he may either not want to call so often, or he may not enjoy having 'rules'.

Why is once a day so important to you? Does it really make you feel so insecure if he doesn't phone one night? If so, ask yourself why? If you would genuinely doubt his love due to one missed phonecall, how secure do you feel with him?

Is it because you find it hard to trust him? Do you think it might be an indication that he is with someone else? In which case, you have to ask yourself whether he has done anything to deserve this level of doubt, or whether it is you who finds it hard.

If it's you - try to learn to deal with it. You may drive him away if you are nagging him all the time when he's done nothing wrong. If he has let you down in the past, it's reasonable to expect him to make a little extra effort for a while, until you can build the trust up again - but don't punish him forever.

I've been in 2 long distance relationships, and personally I think the key is that the level of contact has to be what you both want.

Why not level with him - tell him that you feel anxious when he doesn't call, but admit that you realise it might not always be easy. If you describe the feelings, without accusing him of being responsible for them - if he cares about your feelings, he's not going to willingly hurt you. He may even be able to tell you how he feels when you put too much pressure on, and you can come to a compromise. For example, maybe a goodnight sms text every night is the minimum, and phonecalls a few times a week.

But in the end, if this really is about you feeling that you are making all the effort, maybe you have to back off in order to discover how much effort he would make if you weren't talking, and how much he would miss you.

Better to have a few phone calls when you knew he wanted to talk to you, than one every night that you forced him into.

Good luck with it. It's one of the most difficult parts of an LDR to get right!!

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (4 February 2008):

Danielepew agony auntWell, this information does change the picture. So it costs him no money to call you, and your real concern is why he doesn't return your calls or messages.

Perhaps he's busy? How often do you send him a message?

My field of work happens to demand that I turn my phone off while I am working. People would very much frown upon me if I didn't. To the point of never hiring you again. So, maybe something like this could be happening?

I agree with Laura1318: after some time, calling every day becomes boring and repetitious. Let the calls and texts be more spontaneous, and perhaps things will improve.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2008):

I previously posted the question, let me add a little specifics. It cost him nothing to call me everyday because we use cell phones with unlimited minutes. I told him before we started dating again that because of the distance, the only way I'd agree to it would be if he did call everyday. We've already talked about me moving there eventually to make it work. In the meantime, I thought it was a reasonable request. I guess what makes me most want to end this over the calls is not that I'm not receiving a call everyday, but not having my calls or texts returned. It makes me wonder if there IS a reason he can't return them, as in someone else.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2008):

I previously posted the question, let me add a little specifics. It cost him nothing to call me everyday because we use cell phones with unlimited minutes. I told him before we started dating again that because of the distance, the only way I'd agree to it would be if he did call everyday. We've already talked about me moving there eventually to make it work. In the meantime, I thought it was a reasonable request. I guess what makes me most want to end this over the calls is not that I'm not receiving a call everyday, but not having my calls or texts returned. It makes me wonder if there IS a reason he can't return them, as in someone else.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2008):

You want to end a relationship over this?

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A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (4 February 2008):

Laura1318 agony auntSome people may welcome it and some may not. After some time , it gets kindda boring and repetitious. Long distance calls should be spontaneous and do not make it like a chore.Sometimes silence is golden.

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (4 February 2008):

Danielepew agony auntI think I would need more information to give an answer. But I can offer some thoughts:

- How expensive would it be for him to call you every day?

- Could you split the expenses, as in you call today, he calls tomorrow?

- Is it at all possible for him to call you every day, in terms of business, work, et cetera?

Some people want more frequent communication than others. I have met people who need every day contact, and then others who are happy to talk once or twice a week.

The fact that he doesnt' call every day doesn't seem enough to finish a relationship. I would believe that his being far away, and your prospects of being together again, would have far more weight in this decision than the mere fact that he doesn't call every day.

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A male reader, Ziggy Z United States +, writes (4 February 2008):

Yes, I think it is too much to ask for. I have been in LD relationship very sucessfully, and a phone call per day is not required. You will be viewed as clingy if you insist on that.

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