A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:What do I do? I am dating my ex fiance again. Because I have broken up with him so many times in the past because he was disrespectful, this time around he wants to take it slow and do it right. So, he doesn't want to put a label on what we are (he said we basically are together and isn't dating anyone else and won't, but doesn't want to jinx it by saying we are together whatever that means!) He said this way I can't break up with him because we never technically said we were together. Anyway, my question is do I continue sleeping with him? It just feels wrong, since we never put a label on what we are. I know you don't have to put a label on a relationship, but I just feel like his booty call. We have been dating again for almost a month and slept together like 5 times. The reason I don't know if I should continue is because when we were engaged we slept together and we moved in, and we never set a wedding date and ended up breaking up. I don't want that to happen again, so I feel adamant about not sleeping with him because I don't want us to just end up breaking up with him again. It's like he's getting his cake and eating it too, and I know that once guys get sex in a relationship, they don't always feel the need to get married. I don't want that to happen! I've tried off and on in the past to tell him we should wait, but it always ended up that I gave in to please him so he wouldn't get mad (it was my Christian belief to wait). Anyway, I know going back in forth probably makes him go crazy, but if he really loved and respected me wouldn't he want to wait? For example, last weekend he went out with his friends near me, and then crashed at my place at like 3am. I will admit that it was my doing that we slept together though, because I was horny because i was on my period because the week prior we weren't safe and so i had to take plan b which made me start my period. Anyway, on sunday i said we really should wait to sleep together (at least til he will admit we are together and say it out loud) and he got mad saying that i must not love him and that he will go sleep with other girls then (which im pretty sure he was joking cuz he said so later). either way, he made me feel so bad that i gave in and slept with him which i come to regret because it's not what i really want to do yet. So, tell me, is it impossible and stupid for me to stop having sex with him now after all this time of doing it? or should i just continue so he won't leave me? I don't think he will leave because the most recent time we were a couple after i found out he lied to me about a girl (he never cheated though) i said i wanted to wait and he finally agreed to it. What do I do? i need help and fast! he's coming over tomorrow night! guys and girls responses would be appreciated. i seriously don't know of anyone in this same position and it is driving me insane! i wish i never slept with him in the first place even though i love him. it's a hard dilemma.
View related questions:
booty call, christian, engaged, fiance, horny, moved in, my ex, period, wedding Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2009): I certainly identify with your dilemma. I have been seeing a gentleman for over a year now. We were physically intimate. However, I am a Christian and have felt the past few months the Lord telling me not to sleep with him. We live in different cities for it was maybe twice a month. My new church offers daily Mass & I have started going. My life is different now and I am adamant about not sleeping with him. Moving forward, he wanted me to be intimate with him yesterday at my condo before (a) he left town and (b) I went to church. I refused telling him my reason for not doing so. At that point, he said he wouldn't argue with me for THAT reason. However, he then proceeded to drive me to my church and let me out. He told me he didn't want to talk to me right then but would call me on his way home, which takes 4 hours. The last words he said to me were "I'll call you. You know I can't go 4 hours without talking to you". Well, it has been 24 hours without a call. I emailed him to clarify for him that it is NOT HIM I am rejecting as a man or as a lover. I AM, though, following God's plan for me. He responded to my email & said that perhaps HE had not been listening to the Lord as HE should & that perhaps the Lord is trying to tell HIM something. He went on to say that arguing with the Lord was unsuccessful & that he had to learn he couldn't do things HIS way anymore. At this point, I haven't heard from him, BUT, that is okay. I would rather be following what I feel is right for me as a Christian woman then compromise my principles. Yes, I willingly participated in sexual behavior with him. We love each other. But, people can start their life over any minute & that is what I have done. For I truly believe the Lord was telling me that if I want this man to commit to me sooner rather than later or never that this behavior had to stop. This man has mentioned marriage to me as early as two hours before he let me out at church. And I feel peaceful about it. YOU need to figure out what you want and what the Lord is telling you to do. Just because you have slept with him doesn't mean you can't go back to being celibate with him. After all, why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free, right? I don't see a "dilemma" as you put it. He either wants you or he doesn't. Men have gone to war over a woman's heart/love. You have to value yourself FIRST before he will. I love myself enough now that I am ready to move on if he comes back and insists I sleep with him. I was honest with my guy that I was conflicted about the situation, but, that I am following what my conscience says. If he decides to never call me again (I really don't see that happening) then I haven't lost anything. There ARE Christian men out there who wouldn't even ask a woman to sleep with him. And to my guy's credit, he IS looking at himself now & what the Lord's plan is for him. It is a win-win thing for both of us. I wish you the best. Just remember we have to respect ourself FIRST before any man will.
A
male
reader, lovelynightmare +, writes (13 February 2009):
 It isn't stupid at all. In fact, it's very smart.Also, the "no label" thing does not cut it. You're either dating or you're not, then he creates this false gray area so he can use you for his own pleasure.This time stand up for your beliefs, tell him that no means no and don't compromise.lovelynightmare
...............................
A
female
reader, Mrs. Mom +, writes (13 February 2009):
 What I'm wondering is why you're with him again if he was disrespectful to you in the past, and why you think it's going to be different this time. I wouldn't have much hope for things going better this time if you two don't have a solid goal together...and it sounds like you don't. I'm also a little concerned that he doesn't want to admit you two are together. Is he afraid of being hurt or is it just an excuse not to commit?
If waiting to have sex until he seems more committed gives you more control in the relationship, then do it. But ask yourself why he is with you now and whether you two have the same aims in mind.
...............................
|
