A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Almost every one of my guy friends who has been married for more than 5 years or so has told me their wife has lost almost all interest in sex. Many go for a month or two without it onb a regular basis. They also tell me about friends of theirs who had gone for years without sex. One held onto his marriage for years without sex, only to find out his wife was having an affair. My guy friends are hardly monsters, and some have tried couples therapy, etc., but the wife typically refuses to go after awhile. My very general impression is that the wives tend to use sex as a control mechanism, and they resent it when a counselor calls them out on it.But, I've also read enough posts on this website by people who have been married for years and have a good sex life to know it is possible.I'm engaged, and everything seems fine in terms of sex. But, as far as I know, all my guy friends were happy with their sex lives as well before they got married.Is there any way to predict ahead of time if a couple's sex life will go down the tubes 5-10 years down the road after they get married? There are so many unforseen variables in life that it seems like it would be impossible to be able to predict with any certainty. But, if anyone knows of red flags, etc. that are reasonably decent predictors, I'd certainly be interested in hearing about them?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2011): To Love girl
Your comment is great
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2011): Those who play together, stay together
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (22 March 2011):
 @ Chigirl and Aunty Bim Bim (awesome name, by the way):Never been married, myself. I've seen friends and family torn up by divorce, though, usually because they stopped keeping their wives interested, and their wives made little effort to help their men see that's what they were supposed to do. The divorce comes after months or years without sex, of course.I appreciate your concern, but I've been fortunate enough to have my bad experiences (at least those relating to marriage) be limited to spectating.@ The Anon below:I prefer "generalization" to stereotype, since these have a fair amount of basis in reality. And certainly, exceptions exist. But not everyone gets to be with an exception. Mathematically speaking, most people *don't* get to be with an exception. The 50% divorce rate should be indicative of that all by itself. Unless the OP has something to add indicating his fiance is an exception, I'm going to assume she's not.If you or anyone else have some reason that any specific point I made is wrong, though, I'd love to hear it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2011): in my marriage i can honestly say that as time/the years moved on, my hubby and i have been having more sex now than previously.
perhaps it is my mid life crise or we now know what we want or just life experiences, the quality of sex is better and more frequent. yes it does get boring but that is when the partners have to make a concerted effort to put back the spark.
i have heard horrific stories from both hb and wives where 1 partner just doesnt want to work out the sexual aspects of the relationship. this is selfish.
either way, it is what u make of it: date nights/ weekend aways/ quality time away from the kids: what u put in it, you will reap.
Oh, and women, sex is wonderful. so stop feeling guilty.
i will not comment on ODDS.
but remember with stereotypes, there are exceptions.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 March 2011):
 I wrote "he", but it goes both ways.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (22 March 2011):
Sounds like Odds ran into a bad experience there.
There are no telling signs that a relationship, or marriage, will work or not, except for the obvious red flags of course. If the sex never was good to begin with, marriage won't help it. It will still be bad, or get worse. If the sex in the years leading up to marriage was getting worse and worse by each year, then I'd not believe marriage would stop the direction of the flow.
People do change, married or not. Some changes are hard to accept, others are welcomed. A change in the sex drive is quite common, and although hard to deal with, and work on, it is still something you should be prepared for. Having children changes your sexual appetite. I hear many say that when you are pregnant you get very horny, but also that after birth a woman can experience depression, and the sex goes out the window as well.
The only "warning signs" I know of is that when you are in love, you tend to ignore the signs. You don't see them, or think that they are important. So listen to your friends and family, because they will see what you don't. I've learned that if my friends don't approve of my boyfriend, he isn't the one for me. I've never dumped someone over what my friends thought, but I am learning to see the value in the opinion of others.
In addition, pay attention to how the person treats others. If he is disrespectful to family, friends, talks others down, or even treats strangers poorly, you should take warning. Because that way is the way you will be treated once the pink glasses of infatuation and the lovey dovey feeling fades and real life enters. Same with the bedroom department. If there are warning signs now, heed them, don't ignore them.
And don't take each other for granted.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (22 March 2011):
 From what I have seen. The more sex you and your partner have before you are married, the less need there is to do it after you are married.
Marrying as a virgin does have hugh advantages...you have the rest of your married life to explore sex. If you do it all before you get married...where is the "oh I really like that" after. Soon, sex becomes rountine, and you start looking for other ways to get that spark back in your life. Anything from flirting, to porn, phone sex, to out right cheating.
It's a kick in head to say no to sex, since it feels sooooo good.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2011): What is your sex drive normally or in general? Tends to go right back to that in a marriage given everything is going well. You can't base your sex drive on the honeymoon period of a new relationship or marriage. Many women have lower sex drives than men and after a few years, the honeymoon period wears off and people tend to get complacent. Before you met your fiance, if you only desired sex once a month, five years from now that is probably how often you will want to have sex unless you really make an effort to change that: working out, staying healthy, maybe even herbal supplements.
Factor in all the difficulties of marriage or any stress in the marriage and how do you cope with stress? If you eat more, become more weighed down, the lower your sex drive will be. Having kids will also take a sharp toll on your sex life.
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A
female
reader, LustyLisa +, writes (22 March 2011):
I think that it's not just women who change even though it's more steriotypical to "blame" the woman for the lack of physical intimacy in long term relationships. Many men become lazy, complaicent and let themselves go just as much as women do. Men start acting like they are "owed" sex instead of romancing their mate like they once did during the dating phase. Are we supposed to become instantly aroused because you drop your drawers!! I do realize that many women will bait potential partners with sexual favors and switch after a commitment is forged. This isnt' honest nor fair but men are just as prone to bait and switch tactics as women are. How many men keep winning and dinning their partner or send her flowers, or buy her a thoughtful gift just because? Not too many!!!After a few years together, it requires more work for both parties to keep the spark alive and some people don't believe that they should have to put forth any effort with their commited partner.
My husband and I talked allot about expectations, values, what we wanted in 5, 10, 15, etc years. We talked allot about the "what if's" in life and how we believed we would handle issues and hardships that will arise during the course of a lifetime. These conversations weren't just about sex but as much about everything in life that we could think of. We tried to make sure we approached married life on the same page as "PARTNERS", not just man and wife and the gender specific roles we would assume in our relationship. So, a man could say that in 5 years he expects to be having exceptional sex 3 times a week but the woman could say, she expects her partner after 5 years to adaquately arouse her to "WANT" to have exceptional sex 3 times a week. That places the burden equally on both parties to do their part to make exceptional sex 3 times a week a reality. It all boils down to expectations and many times people don't adaquately explore and express them prior to marriage.
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male
reader, Illithid +, writes (22 March 2011):
 I know this isn't politically correct, but it's the unvarying experience I've had and seen. Women SAY they want to be treated like queens, but what they LIKE is to fight for it, play the game, have a challenge and then win. Love is a tug of war and if the man willingly walks into the mud pit, there was no contest or excitement and the woman will be bored. She wants to pull on the rope more than she wants to actually win the game (though she still wants to try to win eventually). Every middle school student, even high school senior, and every guy college knows that women will appreciate the attention of nice guys, but will only be attracted to the jerks that make them work for every kind gesture.
Look at your friends who saw the sex go out of their relationships after a few years. What changed? Did the men stop resisting, stop demanding, stop controlling, stop fighting? Did they become peacemakers and start compromising by default? Did they start making their wives happy by doing whatever they wanted, cutting back on time with the guys, go out less, drink less, use a coaster, put down the toilet seat, do the dishes? Did they stop playing the game and actually let their wives win by default? Because if they did, well, that's the single fastest way to bore a woman.
I did it with my ex. When I was aggressive, pushed for what I wanted, fought with her if I was in a bad mood, she LOVED me and couldn't get enough. Once I calmed down and became domesticated, she lost all interest and left for a more emotionally distant, difficult, controlling man. My friend H is among the strongest women I know, but whenever a guy's good to her, she leaves. When she met a man that told her who to be friends with, where she could go, even accused her of cheating when she so much as went to work, she married him. My friend D is dominant, powerful, in charge, and knows and takes what she wants, but heaven help you if you actually give her what she wants... she'll walk away. But there's a guy that won't call her back, won't say he loves her, ignores her, treats her like dirt, but sleeps with her (only when he feels like it) and she can't resist him.
Don't abuse your woman, or cheat on her, or belittle her, but don't become a doormat either. The healthy, long lasting, exciting relationships are ones where you keep playing the game and keep up the challenge. She wants to win, at least most of the time, but only if she has to work for it. She wants to have to fight for you. If you just let her win, she'll find someone else that's more challenging.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2011): Odds is non-PC but he speaks the truth about human nature. Source: 20 years of marriage and having a grand time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2011): Men tend to forget their role in romancing and making their wives feel desirable. Its not just the act for women, its what's in our heads that keep up wanting our husbands. If your husband no longer shows interest or flirts with you, the build up is no existent. Remember men are like blow torches and women are like ovens (takes longer to heat up but well worth the effort). My guess is that your buddies are lounging around on the sofa, scratching themselves and gaining weight plus totally oblivious that their wives still want and need to feel desirable by the one she loves in order to keep s e x alive in the marriage bed. Read a romance novel and see what women desire. Good luck!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 March 2011):
If you go into a marriage with that attitude, then Yes it will most likely suck after 5-10 years. If you go into a marriage realizing that things DO change over time and sometimes even for the better, you might have a different outlook & outcome!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2011): To be honest, after the first few years life just tends to be more complicated and tiring as children arrive. As a woman, life with small babies is exhausting, a joy but the focus of your attention shifts slightly. In a long term relationship you go through many ups and downs and it is the depth of your love for each other that sees you threw. Find time for each other, and you should still keep that spark. If you are in it for the long haul - sex is just one of many things that are important, but not the be all and end all.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (22 March 2011):
 i know couples who continue to be totally in synchronised peacefull happiness. And of course I am aware of couples where the relationship has faltered or ended.
Now medical issues can interfere so occasionally that can interfere.
But for the relationships that did go down the tube, preceded by sex stopping to virtually nothing before one party left, here i will list my 'take' on why it faltered, or where one of the parties has directly said why it faltered. Hope it helps.
1. She was money grasping, never satisfied, always wanting to have better car, better house than anyone - ended badly - and she linked sex to presents (i call that legalised prostitute syndrone')
2. She really wanted babies - once she got the 2 babies she turned all attention to them - and he became just a servant in the way she treated him.
3. He spoke to her and treated her unfavorably. She kept on trying. He spent big money on his hobbies. He told her he never really loved her when he was caught out cheating. His selfishness in the end just turned her off. She left.
4. He was more prudish than she had realised. Before they were married he seemed keen. Once they had children he wanted to call her Mom. She told him only the children could call her Mom..he got judgmental when she tried to wear sexy gear in the bedroom. He told her to act her age, and 'dress like a Mom', she felt stifled and judged. He was forever on about what would people think?
His Mom had too big an influence on him. He was on beck and call for his Mom, who was only in her early 60s and still worked, but who would call him up anytime to do errands for her. She said she was no longer felt wanted by him, he made no effort to make her feel sexy and wanted. She felt she came last in his mind, after his Mom and after their children .
People should be honest with each other
If they have to disagree then play fair and only discuss the issue of contention.
Go on regular dates with the children looked after overnight so you have a straight minimum of 12 hours unbroken together
Talk over issues regularly
Put each other first
Build trust with activities
Speak respectfully about each other to others
Be non-judgmental
Never interrupt each other
No secrets (except birthday surprises)
Indicate by your words and actions and occasional compliment that you value and believe and accept your partner - unless
there is an issue that needs discussing that temporarily contradicts the above.
Be pleased to see each other, even if the absence was only 7 hours, greet him with a kiss.
Ditto if he is going off on a work trip, kiss him, and wave goodbye.
Do activities that are fun together, be it a swim together, cycle together, fish together, go to the Art gallery she wants to go to, together.
Be pleasant and well mannered to her friends.
Plan and Redecorate your bedroom at every 5 years to what makes both of you happy. Keep clutter out of the bedroom. No computer, no exercise equipment , no tv in the bedroom.
Vary what happens in the bedroom - sex can include reading paragraphs from a sexy book, massages, fantasies.
Never be unfaithful
Shower every day
Don't act like a slob
Be a good involved interested father.
She will try to reciprocate with equivalent activities. She will keep her figure and stay interested in your activities too
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (22 March 2011):
 Listen to Dorothy Dix rather than Odds, because odds on, Odds didnt do any of the things Dorothy suggests to ensure a long and happy marriage for both partners.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (22 March 2011):
Hi there. Relationships go through different stages. The newness stage which is up to about 3 years, is still pretty exciting.
After that period, couples typically need more in their lives to keep it interesting.
Interests and hobbies and sometimes a change in direction in their work puts some pressure on the relationship as well.
But generally speaking, what happens in the bedroom usually is directly affected by what happens outside of it. Good communication - it's good to talk about things that bother both of you, instead of keeping it to yourself and carrying a grudge, which many people do. Resentment starts to poison a relationship after a while and can spell the beginning of the end.
Staying emotionally connected and sharing your thoughts and feelings about life, work, the relationship, all help to keep you both close to each other.
Couples who say they aren't close to each other and aren't having regular sex, have often become disconnected. This happens when each stops sharing themselves with the other. They become two separate individuals living almost separate lives. Lack of sharing can simply be a case of being tired and can't be bothered - not that they don't care.
Sometimes it's because there are small children, and the wife feels emotionally and physically drained by the end of the day when their husbands get home from work. So they stop talking about their day, fearing their husbands might find them boring. This is how it begins.
Once there are children in a relationship, it changes things dramatically. If she is a stay at home mother, she might feel as if she is bringing up the children on her own without help. Financial help yes, but sometimes not emotional support. That can be hard.
There can be a level of resentment towards the partner who is lucky to go out and work and has a break away from the children for the day - whereas she does not. Motherhood can also cause the wife to feel as if her life has no meaning, and is full of disappointment.
When she is tired, disillusioned, unappreciated, emotionally unsupported, the last thing she is going to feel like is sex!
Both partners need to feel that they are important to each other and that they are appreciated. They both need to show they care.
So the answer to your question is if you allow yourselves to become emotionally disconnected, then you will have some problems. But it is so easily peventable.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (22 March 2011):
Short version:
Are you getting married? Y/N
If you answered Yes, your sex life is going to suck.
Long version:
After marriage, women have no incentive to have sex with their man. Either he meets their demands, or they divorce him and take his stuff. Actually, they can do that even if he meets their demands. Fun for everyone.
When a guy is not married, they have to sex him on a regular basis or he leaves, and they have to try to find a new man - except now they're a bit older, and have one more notch on their bed post, making it tougher. The man holds some cards before marriage; he holds none after.
Neither of those things are under your control. If you marry, that's the way it's gonna be. So all you have to work with is love and attraction.
Sadly, part of the attraction is lost right away. Women are attracted to uncertainty. Knowing you could leave any moment, but choose not to, is exciting for them. Marriage means you can't do that anymore.
Part of the attraction is continuing to act the way you did when you initally attracted her. That ought to be common sense, but how many guys do you know who get married and turn into boring homebodies? Yes, wives will try to tame their men, but deep down they do it because they want the man to resist their efforts at domestication and continue to be the stud she fell in love with. Yet most guys actually want to see their wives happy, and erroneously assume that means giving her what she asks for.
Another part of the attraction is based on hormones. There is some evidence that women's hormones basically compel them to seek a new source of DNA (read: new man) four years after the first. I don't quite believe it, given that I can't see any evolutionary benefit to it, but here's the link.
http://www.argumentations.com/Argumentations/StoryDetail_7731.aspx
So, you have to head the hormones off at the pass by watching like a hawk for signs of listlessness, wanderlust, or above all, boredom. Nothing drives women to betray a man faster than boredom. At the first sign, you act by doing something dramatic to engage her attention. Make her dread losing you, make her work for you, and give her the drama she needs. Make her see you as a dominant, powerful male all over again.
Now, some women are more prone to this than others. Some guys are more prone to encouraging it than others. Here are some warning signs I've picked up on, either from this site or seeing my friends in action.
Signs your sex life will end: She refuses sex after fights. She's a drama queen. She describes herself as a free spirit or a handful. She was a slut before you met her. She wants kids right away. She treats you like an equal or lesser, rather than the dominant party.
Signs your sex life has a chance: She initiates sex when you haven't done anything to really earn it. She wants kids, but not for at least the first year of marriage. She looks up to you.
Hope that helps. I would advise you, seriously, not to marry; do the research, and you will see that although she stands to gain everything, you stand to gain absolutely nothing by marrying her. You can live with her, have sex, be in love, have kids, whatever, without being married. But it's much harder for her to take your stuff when she leaves you if you're not married. Do your research, and if you decide to do it anyway, best of luck.
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