A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:It has only been recently I’ve realized just how toxic my relationships are with my immediate family members. I’m having trouble knowing how to proceed with them now that I’ve had this realization. I’ve always been aware that our family is dysfunctional, and that our relationships with each other weren’t exactly healthy, but in the last 6 months, I realized it is so much worse than I thought. Let me start by giving some background information on my family members. My parents were raised with entirely different values and priorities, which led to a lot of conflict in both their marriage and our family of four. They were both married before they found each other, and each had a son from their previous marriage. Their exes were horrible to them, and they each had custody battles going on back when they met, and I suspect they may have bonded over that and ignored a lot of signs of being incompatible. They are still married present day, even though it’s been clear to my older sister and I for many years they do not love or even respect each other. If I’m mistaken, and they do, they certainly have an odd way of showing it. Let’s put it that way. When my sister and I were little, on into our teenage years, our mom shared entirely too much of her and our dad’s issues with us. She didn’t really have any friends, and said she had trouble making (and especially keeping) friends, and I think her lack of friends may have been why she burdened us with it. I’m not making excuses for her because I know now it was inappropriate of her to share a lot of what she did, and she could’ve gone to a therapist. Our dad did the same, but to a lesser extent. He didn’t go into as much detail, but frequently referred to our mom as “paranoid”. Dad worked full time, and played in a band on the side. Playing the drums is his passion and always has been. However, he put that first over the family, and anytime anyone pointed it out to him, he denied it and wouldn’t further discuss it. There was also concern from my mom over his fidelity while being out with the band. They had frequent arguments over it, and she threatened to leave him many times, but never followed through. She even threatened to kick him out in the same way his ex-wife had thrown him out: putting his clothes in a trash bag, throwing it out on the lawn, then changing the locks. She made A LOT of empty threats over the years. To make matters more complicated, my sister was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in her late teens. She would have meltdowns over little things such as misplacing her keys, and when she had an issue with either me or one of our parents, she could get downright cruel in the things she said to us (or about us to other family members). This became a common occurrence. Example: she referred to our mom as a “worthless bitch” to me one time while venting. She started medication and therapy in her early twenties. She is now thirty-three, and had to go through seven different medications to find one she liked and she thinks is working for her. However, the rest of the family has noticed a personality change in her that is not an improvement. We’re all worried about her, but anytime we’ve tried to talk to her about it, no matter how polite we are, she takes it as an attack, accuses us of being unsupportive, then the insults against us begin. Our mother especially has been at the receiving end these last few years, and doesn’t know what to do. She told me she feels at this point the only time my sister is nice to her is when when she wants something, namely money. The last straw was when she asked our parents for thousands of dollars last summer to help pay off her credit card debt, and for her wedding that’s coming up this spring. (It will also be her second wedding. They already shelled out thousands for her first one back in 2012.) I confronted her at that point, about being disrespectful to our mom, then being nice when she wants something, which led to a huge argument that solved nothing. She said it was “f-ing disgusting” of me to suggest she was only after money when it came to our parents. She then deflected to mistakes I made in my early 20s. I reminded her it was our mom who felt this way, but after witnessing her behavior firsthand a number of times, I was inclined to agree that it sure seemed that way, even if it wasn’t the case. I regret ever saying anything. Part of me knows it wasn’t my place, since it wasn’t me she asked for money. However, I also know my parents can’t afford to give her that kind of money. Our mom is in her late 60s, and our dad is in his early 70s, and they’re both still working. They can’t afford to retire, so I felt it was especially selfish of her to expect that of them when she knows their situation as well. I’ve turned it over and over again these past 6 months, especially since during our argument, she told me our mom had physically abused her in the past, and that I wasn’t home while it happened and she didn’t tell me at the time. That caught me off guard, because while our mom could be short tempered at times, I don’t remember her physically abusing either one of us, (unless you count spanking as abuse). I know people have different opinions on that. She said it wasn’t a spanking, though, that our mom actually beat her. If that’s true, it would explain why she feels hostility toward our mom especially. However, here is what I’m struggling with, regarding the whole thing: I don’t trust that her memory is accurate. I believe SHE believes it happened. I believe that due to her illness and the numerous medications she’s been on, (she has also been to cognitive behavioral therapy in addition to regular counseling), her mind has been through a lot. Our aunt has said in the past that my sister tends to remember things that didn’t happen. I honestly don’t think she would make up something so horrible. However, if it didn’t happen, yet she holds a grudge, that’s a problem. How will it get resolved? It also makes me wonder what else she might “remember”. I also struggle to understand if she truly believes this happened, and struggles to be respectful toward our mom over it, why does she not seem to have a problem being nice when she wants money? It doesn’t seem right to say you struggle to not feel hostile toward somebody because they wronged you in the past, yet still expect them to do you favors. After everything that has transpired over the years, I’ve finally come to realize that my relationship with every immediate family member is incredibly toxic. I love them all, but am starting to distance myself because every time I’m around any of them, I feel pain and despair. I also start to lack any confidence I’ve built up over the years. When I’m around my mom, we end up discussing my sister, and I just can’t discuss it with her anymore. I know that’s her daughter and she doesn’t want to give up on her. I get why she talks about her so much, but nothing gets resolved from talking about it. My sister doesn’t believe she’s doing anything wrong. She doesn’t understand the impact her words and actions has had on each family member. I know she is mentally ill, but it doesn’t make her behavior any less hurtful. I’ve also noticed each family member talks negatively about other family members behind their backs, and I catch myself participating, and I don’t want to do it anymore. So here are my questions: 1.) Am I doing the right thing in distancing myself from every member of my immediate family? I’m not cutting them off entirely, just cutting visits way down. I also get along great with my husband’s family, and have a few close friends, so I won’t become isolated. 2.) Am I wrong in how I’ve handled my sister’s behavior this far? I’ve truly tried to be understanding and compassionate over her illness, but her behavior toward me and the rest of the family has really hurt me. Knowing she believes she did nothing wrong hurts even more. 3.) Has anyone else here had a mentally ill family member, yet learned how to have a healthy relationship with them? How did you do it? I appreciate all advice! Criticism is welcomed as well, as I’d like to know where I’ve been wrong and how to be better in the future.
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confidence, debt, ex-wife, his ex, money, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (20 January 2020):
 You're very welcome. My reply was pretty long, lol.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2020): I’m the one who posted this. I just wanted to thank you both for your thoughtful replies! I really appreciate you taking the time to help me out, especially since my post was so long.
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A
female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (19 January 2020):
Here are my answers:1. Yes, I believe you are doing the right thing in distancing yourself. Not only that, but I think you're going about it the right way too. You haven't made any declarations (I'm assuming that since you haven't mentioned any blowback resulting from it). You've accepted that you cannot change anyone, you can only change how you respond. Familiarity breeds contempt, absence makes the heart grow fonder, higher fences make better neighbours..pick your cliché, the point is stepping back and gaining some space is a wise and healthy thing to do. For you and them. 2. You're not wrong in how you handled your sister's behaviour. You were honest with her, and I happen to agree with you, though I do understand where your sister is coming from (more on this later). 3. While I haven't had mentally ill family members (besides ones, including myself, with anxiety, phobias, OCD), I have had friends, or family friends diagnosed with what was then known as 'manic depression'. How I dealt with it was to act normal around them. I didn't try to reason with them or convince them to 'get help', but I did not accommodate their 'illness'. I was calm, matter of fact and honest. Apparently this was the right thing to do because before long they learned to trust me. They could speak their minds. In the beginning they would occasionally lash out at me as they did with close family, but I was unfazed by outlandish accusations. I didn't take the bait. This approach was so successful that one of them (my then boyfriend's father) used to specially ask for me to come over because 'everything is always ok when she's here'. When he wanted to settle a dispute it was my opinion he sought, and I would give an honest one (one sentence without explaining or trying to convince). My calm demeanour, and the fact that it was working with the 'mentally ill' person helped calm others around us. Accusations of 'abuse' and 'bullying' are bandied about so often, they're almost meaningless and I tend to view them with skepticism (which does not mean DISbelief, but I keep an open mind). That said, and I say this with some caution, I'm inclined to believe your sister.What I've observed in those diagnosed with mental illnesses is all of them-ALL OF THEM-have troubled relationships with significant people in their lives and those troubles pre-date the behaviour that eventually lead to the diagnosis. To say that your sister had issues with your mother because she was mentally ill would be like saying you broke out in a run because you started to sweat. My own mother is a malignant narcissist and my father a violent alcoholic enabler (and a thug in his own right). She hasn't been clinically diagnosed as such (and never will because she would never agree to an examination) but at the very least it's a description of her behaviour. Both my parents where violent and very self centred and my sisters, who are both nearly 10 years younger than I, remember a lot of troubles, but they were spared the worst of it because, in contrast to me, they were always seen as much younger than they were and more vulnerable. I assumed all these years that my sisters' memories were exactly the same as mine, but have come to learn just a few years ago that isn't so. They recall it being bad, just not as bad as I remember it.My sisters were hit and manhandled often, but there was an unbelievable callousness in their dealings with me. Example: my youngest sister had become trapped in the upstairs bathroom. She wasn't old enough at the time to have mastered how to work the lock. Instead of removing the door handle my father decided to climb out onto the roof and climb in the bathroom window. The problem was, he didn't fit. So he dragged me out on to the roof. I was about 11 years old and, as you can imagine, beyond terrified. He had to pry my fingers off the window ledge and I remember him shouting at me 'Calm down for fuck's sake or you'll Goddamn kill us both!'. My mother stood there the whole time, watched and said nothing. One other example: occasionally, during his various home renovation projects my dad would have me hold one end of a wooden beam, particle board or drywall while he held the other and cut it with a skilsaw. This started roughly from the age of 10 or so up into my early teens. Again, my mother didn't have a problem with this. My sisters, though hit and screamed at often, were never exposed to this kind of danger. It's not like he gathered the whole family together to watch so I suppose it's understandable that my sisters' recollections (based largely on their own experiences) would be a bit different. Having said all this, you can listen without 'trying to help' and you can answer without trying to convince.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2020): I'm so sorry that it took so long to receive an answer to your post. It's lengthy, and perhaps people just wanted to put aside some time to read it in its entirety.
In response to your first question. The best way to reduce friction and confrontation is to keep a safe distance. When you stop by, tell them you were just passing through just want to see how they're doing.
Your parents are aging; so you need to keep an eye on them from time to time. The way to modify any unwanted-behavior is to set boundaries, and to consistently reinforce those boundaries. When you visit your mother, tell her on the onset; you didn't come to discuss your sister, you want to see how she and your father are doing.
Take charge sometimes. Lead the conversation, or change the subject. Keep visits short and sweet. Counter bad-news with good-news and keep the topic of conversation light. When the conversation gets too heavy, look at your watch tell your parents you must be going; and you'll stop by to see them soon.
Matters about money is between them and your sister. If they keep giving it to her; they're mature enough to deal with the consequences of their foolish mistakes. You can't tell two stubborn older-people what to do. They'll stop giving her money when they have no more to give her; and she'll stop asking when they no longer have any.
Now your second question. You have to deal with your sister based on the situation at hand. Stop confronting her. She thrives on conflict and drama. You aren't equipped to deal with her emotionally; and she isn't mentally-stable enough to deal with you. Her behavior towards your mother is abusive; and she may be projecting. If you can't recall any evidence to support her claims; give your mother benefit of the doubt.
It's odd that she is the only one of your siblings to claim your mother abused her. Abusive-people can't hide it indefinitely. If your sister was a handful, sassy, and willful; she required more discipline than the rest of you. Parents deal with their kids according to their personalities. Judge her by her personality as a child and teenager. She's an adult now; and the abuse-excuse won't keep criminals out of jail. At some point you're responsible for your behavior and actions. With some consideration for her mental-illness. She's a mean and unpleasant person by nature; and her illness amplifies all the worst in her. Best to limit contact. Pray for her.
If your parents believed in corporal-punishment (i.e. spanking); they didn't spare the rod. It's old-school. Your sister's claims are unreliable. Her credibility is shot; because she's mean to everyone around her. Identifying discipline as abuse might be somewhat convenient. She avoids accountability by placing the blame for her actions on your mother. If the symptoms of her illness were present when she was a child; your mother didn't know what she was dealing with at the time. Thinking firmer discipline was what she needed. There's a stigma that comes with mental-illness; parents don't always want to believe or admit their children suffer from it. Then they worry about whose genes are to blame?
If your mother was the abusive-parent type; it's arguable she would restrict her abuse to only one out of four of you. Ask any teenager with strict-parents; and they will lead you to believe their parents are abusive and cruel. Their rebelliousness, disobedience, and disrespectful-behavior notwithstanding. If they can't run the house, or have their way; then their parents are the ones who are wrong.
In answer to your last question. You have to improvise and deal with people based on their personality and the situation you're in. Just because you're nice to her, doesn't guarantee she'll be nice to you. Test the waters, and see what kind of mood she's in. If you've never been close, it isn't likely she'll change at this late stage in her life. If there's need for an emergency family-assembly, or holiday gatherings; pick and choose. Attend only when obligated. Keep your distance. If you need to check on your sister; do it by phone call, or text messaging. Send her cards on special occasions and holidays. If she's on social media, you can have limited contact via Facebook. Maintain contact as long as she behaves. If you are forced to block her, block her for good. Tell her you only want to hear from her if it's an emergency; if she can't find it in herself to be civil. Stick to it!
We receive many letters from people trying to figure-out how to establish family-ties or reconcile grudges in estranged or dysfunctional family-situations. Families differ, individuals differ; so the advice is generic. Professional-counseling is usually required to workout emotional and psychological-issues. Some issues are real, and some are perceived. At best, you have to love from a distance. Avoid confrontation and gossip. You don't need to confront your sister about taking money from your parents; if they keep giving it to her. What's the point of arguing with her, if they're the ones giving it to her?
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