A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I will keep this question as simple as possible. Is it possible to gain trust back once it's lost? How?Has anyone ever dated/married someone who told numerous "white lies" but never cheated or lied about something extreme? And lastly, if someone can lie about something like what they did in a video game, is that a big deal? Does that mean they can/will lie about something bigger? Or can someone tell small lies from time to time and it means nothing, they can still be trusted on a higher level?My short back story- I found texts on my boyfriend's phone very early in my relationship to an ex girlfriend (while he was showing me something on his phone that was the last thing he had up). They weren't bad texts, but he admitted he had been talking to her on a weekly basis as friends and deleted all texts between them. The beginning of the relationship was rocky as I was going through a divorce and we weren't sure where we stood for a lot of the time. He then blocked her and said he hasn't talked to her at all and keeps his phone open if I ever wanted to check. Since then there have been small lies I've caught him in. One about purchasing money for something in a video game just to give you an idea of how stupid they are. He has no reason to lie to me, I've never expressed any care for what he lies about. He said he has a problem but is working on it. And that he would never lie about something huge. He said he has always lied about small things that embarrass him, like porn, even though he knows I don't care about him watching porn. Hell I do it too and we watch it together on occasion. I am working on trusting him and trying to believe what he says but I need help. I also find myself paranoid he is talking to the same ex from before. So all of the questions above are my questions. Thank you.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (10 July 2014):
White lies are a defense mechanism from childhood. Some people never stop telling them. It doesn't mean they'll go out and cheat on you, it just means they lie as a gut reaction.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 July 2014):
 I would have guessed immediately that he had a rough childhood. If I was guessing, I'd say that his parents/guardians were really viciously physically abusive or prone to uncontrollable rage. The fact that he's also dealt with depression is not surprising. Compulsive liars tend to not think their true, honest life is good enough, so the lies are there to live the lie of what they think is a better life than what they have now.
One huge mark of a compulsive liar is that most of their lies have a nugget of truth. C.S. Lewis put it very accurately when he wrote that "If you mix a little truth with a lie, it makes the lie far stronger".
Compulsive lying is a self-made prison. He *can't* fix this himself, and you CAN'T be his therapist/accountability person. In fact, you have to recuse yourself (i.e. disqualify yourself) from being the accountability. He has to deal with this professionally, and it will take years to fix. Him keeping phones or passwords open is nothing for a compulsive liar. Hidden phones, hidden computers/tablets, and stuff like that are simple to an intelligent liar, and you'd be none the wiser.
If he's serious about wanting out of the prison, and his forthrightness isn't itself an elaborate deception designed to throw you off of the bigger lies, then he will go to therapy and get serious and intensive help for compulsive lying. There is a way out, but it's not easy.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 July 2014):
 Taking the blame for something does NOT negate the bad behavior.
you are falling into the the trap of letting him get away with it because
a. he takes responsibility
and
b. maybe it's not his fault, maybe it's due to childhood trauma.
both are correct but neither are a free pass.
has he stopped lying to you about things?
just because he says "yeah I was wrong I lied" does not make it better.
what if instead of lying he hit you? just using this as an example..
let's say instead of lying he hits you.
and his statement:
i was wrong
I'm sorry
I never should do that
BUT
it's how my father and mother behaved so It's what I do.
is that a free pass too?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe is trying to prove he's trustworthy. He's shared his passwords and leaves his phone open if I ever felt the need to look at it. I have access to his computers. I don't like checking up on him though really. He asked me if I wanted him to get therapy. He has been in therapy before for other issues like depression.
He definitely takes all blame whenever I question something. He apologizes and says he deserves it for having lied in the past. You can tell he gets really down on himself about it. I tell him he's too hard on himself but he said he always has been.
He had a rough childhood. So maybe the lying is a part of another disorder as Gretta said.
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A
female
reader, sarcy24  +, writes (10 July 2014):
 I am with Youwish on this. Your boyfriend is a compulsive liar and that type of personality is hard to break free from. I have known many compulsive liars and they all tell me that they do it because they can't be bothered to hear the conversation that ensues once you admit what you have done however small it is. They just don't want any form of chit chat, questioning or possible scolding/ justification so they lie to appease the other person. It is a worrying trend and leads to much more serious behaviour down the road not normally about cheating but about money.
Be very careful here and double check the things he says whether he likes it or not. White lies are fine and are normally said not to hurt someones feelings but this is calculated lying with no particular gain other than he doesn't want to be bothered explaining himself. This kind of thing escalates and can end in all sorts of trouble so keep an eye on him and look after yourself.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 July 2014):
the only way that trust once broken can be rebuilt is if the person you no longer trust becomes trustworthy in your eyes based on THEIR current behavior.
why he lies is of no consequence.
the fact that he does and can lie and thinks it's acceptable to lie about things that embarrass him means to me that he is ok with that.
I would not be.
lying about spending money is not a white lie
lying about watching porn is not a white lie
if he can lie about those things to you and you don't realize he's lying then it's one step to "no I didn't contact my ex... she needed me.. I went over to see her to help her with something and poof I slipped and my penis fell into her vagina"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2014): I don't know how new to this relationship you are. I don't know if you have any proclivities towards paranoia (like I do). In my experience, when I lived with a liar it was very difficult to stay sane. I think when I look back, even the times he MIGHT have been being truthful, my own mind still struggled with trying to figure out what was true and what wasn't. I think that unless you see him making an OVERT effort of working on his lies big or small by seeking therapy or SOMETHING...reading books... Even better would be if he were to start going out of his way to reassure you of everything when it comes to your relationship. I find it kind of disturbing when a proven liar gets offended when they are not trusted. As a matter of fact, in my own relationship, if my husband shows signs of not trusting me at times and he starts asking questions, I make sure to take it seriously and answer each and every one of his questions until he is satisfied. Feeling offended never ever crosses my mind because I, myself, KNOW what it is like to feel insecure or confused and it's not a fun place to be. I believe it is our job to reassure our spouses about the status of a marriage. If a partner makes you feel BAD for feeling insecure, I don't think that is good. Our tone and choice of words when we ask our partners to clarify and clear the air is important too. I am currently working on what is called assertive communication or nonviolent communication because we don't want to inadvertently put others on the defensive either. Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 July 2014):
What you've described are not white lies. A "white lie", in my opinion, is a lie like the answer to "do these pants make my butt look fat?" or "Do you think she's prettier than me?".
This guy's not a white liar. His problem is that he's a compulsive liar if he lies about things all the time, and lies about things he doesn't even have to lie about. That would make me question everything he says, and to be honest, that's exhausting in a relationship and I won't do it.
What is he doing about his "problem" besides simply stating he has one? Compulsive lying is very hard to break away from, and just doing something on your own is still denial.
Therapy if he really wants to tell the truth and be an honest person would help him, because compulsive lying is a mechanism he's learned from way back when he was little. No, you can't trust him and his first impulse is to lie. But whether you stay with him is up to you.
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