A
male
age
36-40,
*b82
writes:I recently got talked into a 3sum by my wife where she let the other guy do a sexual act she has always refused me. I've now found out that the same night, after when she took him to the train station they did it again in the car. Is it over? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2015): It's the principle of the thing. Whether the wife enjoyed "it" is beside the point for the OP's feelings.
It doesn't even matter in the end. Doing anal with her husband won't heal the damage to the marriage. But if she was even half serious about healing their relationship and his hurt feelings, she wouldn't mind trying.
A
male
reader, Bb82 +, writes (28 August 2015):
Bb82 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe has not let me since. She said she got lost in the moment with him as he gave her her first orgasm during sex. I don't think she's going to ever let me.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2015): Rambling female back...
After further reviewing more comments from other readers and your reply... I do apologize for when I first replied I did not read wife behaved poorly badly *I could go on*.
Why am I replying again?? I've tried reading every one of your replies and all I have found is "She still refuses to agree doing anal with you "...What I can't seem to find is...HER REASON BEHIND WHY SHE SAYS NO TO YOU????
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2015): She is not serious about healing this relationship. There is nothing more you can do. If she gave a care about you and your feelings then she would be standing on her head trying to please you right now. She would be willing to do anything and everything under the sun, sexually or otherwise. I know what she is probably saying about this if you ask her. Does she not want to do "that" normally? Does she say it was just an impulsive thing and she doesn't want to make it a regular part of her life now, just because she did it once? Did she not enjoy it? Well SO WHAT? Maybe YOU don't want to live with a cheating disrespectful wife "normally!" Maybe YOU don't want to feel sexually second best to some nasty stranger for the rest of your relationship! Maybe YOU don't enjoy THAT!Maybe YOU want to be shown some little scrap of respect and affection after all the rubbish she has been putting you through!Maybe SHE needs to start worrying about what it takes to heal YOU for a change! She does not respect you at all.
...............................
A
male
reader, Bb82 +, writes (22 August 2015):
Bb82 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe have spoken about this already. He managed to give her her first orgasm from intercourse alone. And she said after that in the moment she would have let him do anything. He just obviously wanted to take control and from our discussions before knew that she had always refused me so went for that.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2015): I suspected you feel retro-jealousy and this is going to haunt your marriage for awhile. These are the exact reasons I have advised people to stay out of poly-amorous situations. A third-party gets hurt. Or at least one out of a group.
You can spend all the money you want on therapy, but a change of lifestyle is what you may need. This often opens a door that can't be closed. Your trust is damaged, your ego has taken a hit, and you want to do something sexually
she doesn't want you to do. Just because she doesn't want it from you. So that's always going to be the thorn in your flesh. Stop asking for it. You've got more serious issues to deal with. It's the price you pay when you put getting your freak on, over trying to maintain a loving and committed marriage.
I don't see you forgiving her. You will continue pressuring and hounding her; until she decides to ditch you and your marriage altogether. If marriage is what you may call it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2015): Have you explained to your wife how it makes you feel that she won't let you do what she let him do?
I would explain this to her very clearly and ask her to explain why she said yes to him but STILL says no to you.
Whilst she may not change her mind on this, the fact of her still not letting you even after you've explained how you feel about this to her, together with her responce as to WHY she won't let you; might help you to understand if you are doing the right thing by staying with her.
It seems to me that she was the one that started this by persuading you into the threesome, then overstepped boundaries and yet is doing nothing to try and win you back. You are the one making all the compromises here. Is she still worth it?
...............................
A
male
reader, Bb82 +, writes (19 August 2015):
Bb82 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe are back together now and trying to work things out. Strangely the thing that is getting to me is the act she let him do that she still won't let me. It feels like he has some dominance over me by the fact he got her to let him do it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2015): If you want to give it another go, just be sure you wipe the slate clean. Don't come at her with retro-jealousy, or test her to see what she will or not do sexually. Maybe you ought to try a bit of monogamy in your marriage. Dump her flat and cold if she doesn't hold-up her end of your agreement.
Always approach everything from the standpoint of compromise. Try to stay on the same page. Your situation is too fragile for any more threesomes right now.
Full forgiveness takes time. Assume some responsibility, and own your own fault in how things turned out. Don't hide your sore feelings; and punish her on the down-low. It's easier to say you forgive, than to do it.
...............................
A
male
reader, Bb82 +, writes (13 August 2015):
Bb82 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAt the moment we have had a big discussion about everything. We are giving things another go. She has promised never to see the guy again.
...............................
A
male
reader, Rusty198113  +, writes (11 August 2015):
It's not over . It was somthing new .its only sex. Not love
...............................
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (9 August 2015):
Yup, it's over. She initiated the 3some with another guy as an excuse to cheat with permission. The fact she did it in the car with him after that is basically a big exclamation point. And you know what, good riddance. She obviously doesn't care about the marriage or the relationship anymore. You deserve better.
What I'd do is play along for a while, pretend that all is right and dandy. She'll think you're an idiot and cogratulate herself on her cleverness while fucking that other guy while you hire a shark of a divorce lawyer and make sure that when it's final, the house and everything else you want to keep (including money) stays with you. Then look who's the last to laugh.
Even if you're not one for retribution (that would make you a better person than me) for the love of all that is holy, do NOT take her back. Divorce her and kick her to the curb.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2015): Letting a guy do you anally when you refuse it with your husband is a sign of dominance. Letting you know that he now controls her.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2015): What's done is done. Now what? The odds were high she'd take a shining to another hot bloke. What did you expect in such a situation? You played with fire, and you got burned!
...............................
A
male
reader, Bb82 +, writes (8 August 2015):
Bb82 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe did discuss issues before hand. But it just didn't go as I expected. After she let him do anal. Which she has always refused to let me I was annoyed at her. That is why she ended up taking him alone to the station. As I was too annoyed to be near him.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2015): Question... you all just had a threesome... why on Earth did either of yoy think it was a good idea for HER to drive the guy she just had sex with anywhere? And alone?She was bound to be a bit wound up and excitable and probably rationalised it as an extension to the threesome... it was not, you can bet she sure as hell remembered thay as soon as the happy hormones wore off.Seriously... why didn't you or both of you take the dude to the train station? Or why not just call him a cab? Really... you both bought this one on yourselves by even putting yourselves into that position where two people who have had sex were alone together.She cheated. Whether you can deal with that... is something you and you alone know. You opened the door to slip ups like this, both of you, by not hiring a professional sex worker (who would do nothing outside of what they are paid to do) for this sort of thing, at the very least, or by not letting a fantasy remain that way when neither of you were ready.Hell I am beginning to think you two didn't even sit down and make clear ground rules for the encounter, and ensured they you all followed them.
...............................
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (8 August 2015):
So they had a bunk-up in the car? Classy! As the previous posters have said, you’ve crossed a boundary now and you can’t go back. The fact is, she probably now feels that she can have sex with him again because, after all, she did it for the first time that evening with you a participant. Fantasies should remain just that where they involve bringing other people in to the marital bed. A fantasy is just a sexual thought that turns you on. Real people have emotions, feelings, boundaries and notions of love and commitment that can be trashed the moment you make this error of judgement. All you can do now is be honest with your wife. If you want to go back to being exclusive, tell her that. Will she be happy with it? Who knows, but that’s the risk you take when you play with fire. Either she’ll agree and you can draw a line under this, or you’ve just entered choppy waters and the waves are going to get even bigger. There may be no way back but you’ve got to be honest with her and fast.
I wish you all the very best.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (8 August 2015):
 Probably.....
Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2015): Throw a dirty great verbal arguement..tell her you feel let down by her and conned into the threesome and she doesnt seem special and you no longer love her.See how she reacts. If she defends herself with 'you didnt seem to mind before and it was only a goodbye thing' tell her that it has shaken you to the core and you are not a happy man.Ask her why a threesome seemed a good idea to her in the first place.Tell her you loved her and the whole thing is messsing your precious relationship up.Throw an ultimatum..do you ant me to divorce over this because i dont mind ..im off to the nearest solicitors for advice.Tell her you never want to see that threesome creep again. Tell her your ready to box up and shift out.Tell her you need a faithful wife not a swinger.Tell her your marriage vows seem tarnished now and you will never forgive yourself for allowing that to happen.Dont whatever you do hit her because that will only make a bad matter worse but see how she responds to your words..i expect she will cry and say she never anted to jepordize your relationship and marriage..you both agreed to this marriage blip so you can bothnow disagree to it and you can regain each others trust or call it over (the wedding) and never go down that route again.It was an experiment that didnt work out for you,a busmans holiday from your relationship that cost more than it was worth, a day of reckoning that had untold adverse effects.Now be definate about it as a chapter closed. If this is to work as a marriage you must never go down that route again because it has upset the balance of your household.Discuss it now.
...............................
A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (8 August 2015):
 their has been damage done in your relationship by inviting a third party. the purity of the relationship between you and your wife has been stained.
the best thing you can do is seek marriage council. what has happened has happened, and cant be undone. you can move forward and forgive each other, and heal the relationship.
you had a third party invited your marriage relationship, now maybe its time to invite a third party by marriage council?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2015): That's the risk you take when you introduce a third party into your bedroom. Fantasies in your mind can be controlled and edited. Fantasies brought to life have a mind of their own.
Experimenting with your freakiest sexual fantasies is something you do before you get married. Once you're a married couple, intimacy may get a little familiar or predictable. The point of commitment is not to share that part of yourselves with anyone else. So your experiments are one on one. So you'll continue working at making what you have work. When you do things like threesomes, you're reintroducing the novelty you once had back into the relationship. That, and the thrill of a whole different body and personality to go with it. You are giving your partner the freedom to undo the commitment. Then you also unlock other doors that you can't close. She is creating things as she goes; because she is now feeling uninhibited.
Give each other an inch, and you'll take a mile.
Yes, it is over as far as her commitment. It doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't still love you. The question is, how have your feelings for her changed because of this? When you step far beyond the ordinary, be prepared for what you'll find. You can't reverse time. Now you've got to life with it.
...............................
A
female
reader, mrspiggy +, writes (8 August 2015):
 If cheating is a deal breaker for you the yes, it's over. You agreed to the threesome but what happened afterwards, privately, between them was cheating.
I think you deserve better.
If it isn't a deal breaker and you think you can forgive her then you have to do so completely. No bringing it up every five minutes or during every argument. You have to let it go and forgive completely.
For me it would be over. I cannot forgive cheating. If you love someone with all your heart then you need noone else.
Good luck hun.
...............................
|
