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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi,I’l l try and keep this short. I am not angry or sad. If anything I feel at piece. However, recently some mutual friends have started pressuring me into reconnecting with my family and I know they mean well, but… I just do not feel the need.My mother had me out of marriage and I never had a father. While she was alive, I was part of the family, her family. However, when she died, I was 20 at the time, they started treating me differently in small and very big ways, e.g. they would “forget” to invite me to family gatherings and they tried to butt in on my inheritance (not that there was much of it) – for my own good, they said. The big thing happened a few years after, when a cousin asked me to relocate to another state and come and work for her, because she needed help (read: unpaid labor). It meant that I should leave my paid work and more importantly my studies. I politely refused explaining why i t was important for me to get a degree. Then, she tried blackmailing me emotionally – they were the only family I had left (all of a sudden « she » somehow became « they »). I stood my ground. Ever since, there was no contact between us. I tried contacting some other members of my family, thinking that whatever had happened was between me and this one cousin, but they never returned my calls. I don’t mean to oversimplify things but I think they felt very uncomfortable and didn’t want to upset her, she was (and as far as I know, still is) the biggest earner and is helping them financially.All of this happened 20 years ago. The mutual friends I mentioned think that they are helping when they say I should contact them, but I just do not feel like it. Honestly, I think that would only overcomplicate things for me. But, if my cousin or any of them was to ever reach out, I would be here. I wouldn’t give them my kidney, but I would be open to listen. Sometimes it gets lonely not having a family, but I am grateful for what I do have. I’m blessed with a good man for a husband, to start with. I understand that being a part of a family is a blessing and I do not hold a grudge, I just do not feel the need. Is that ok?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2019): Thank you so much for your replies ! I really needed a fresh perspective.
It can be difficult for some pople who have normal family relationships to understand that there are those who do not have them. They mean well, that much I’m sure.
WiseOwlE, there’s something you wrote that really got to me : You may not be the donor of a kidney; but there is the ironic possibility you could be the recipient.
I’m so used to being without a family and the support a family offers, that in order to reasure myself that I’m capable of dealing with wathever comes, I developed a somewhat « do-all » attitude. I rarely ask for help and when I do, I do not feel comfortable with it. And I know taht that is not OK.
Thank you all once more for your support !
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate  +, writes (16 June 2019):
Tell these so called friends to butt out. Your mother’s family have shown you who they are. Do not give them any more chances to abuse you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2019): Do what works for you and only you.Stop caring about what other people think they know what is right for you when I'm reality they have no clue.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2019): Do whatever you feel comfortable to do. You weren't included in the family until they had a use for you; and you weren't remembered and invited when family gathered for celebrations and holidays. That's how families show each other love, support, and maintain cohesion. Twenty years have past and not a single word!
Why bother? They no longer know you anyway!
I agree that you shouldn't hold a grudge or carry any baggage over the past. They aren't real family, they're just relatives.
Maybe someday, out of the blue someone will reach-out to you. It would behoove you to listen and be receptive. You may not be the donor of a kidney; but there is the ironic possibility you could be the recipient. You never know how people can change over the course of 20 years; or the little tricks life can play on us. Sometimes we end-up needing the very people we've rejected; or those who rejected us end-up owing their very lives to us!
Leave things just as they are.
When other people offer advice regarding personal family-matters that you didn't seek; politely ask they not bring-up that topic again, you've made your peace and the matter is settled. They mean well, but they don't know the values, personalities, or the inner-workings of the hearts of the people involved. They don't have to deal with the repercussions, if you open a Pandora's box.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (15 June 2019):
 For me the most important line of your post was at the beginning when you said you feel at peace. If your mum's family ignored contact from you 20 years ago, you have obviously survived quite well without them all that time.
Did you ever consider getting in touch before your well meaning friends decided they knew what was best for you? What is it that sparks the conversations and the "well meaning" suggestions? Do you, perhaps, say you feel lonely without family or something similar?
We can't choose our family but we can choose our friends and, thus, have the support we would normally expect from family from a different source. Cliche as it sounds, friends are the family we choose for ourselves. You have been blessed with a good husband. Hopefully we have friends who mean a lot to you and who support you when needed. If not, in your shoes I would work on that area of my life.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 June 2019):
 I don't see why you NEED to contact them. You have obviously done fine without them for 20 years, and they without you.
There is a saying that we don't get to pick family. Genetically, that is true. And for some they would do anything for family because they are the close-knit kind.
YOU in a sense DO get to pick who you will regard as "family". As in close friends, in-laws etc.
If you don't really FEEL a need to contact these people, REGARDLESS of being related, then don't. YOUR choice.
YOU had every right to turn down an offer to move out of state and work for the family.
I would just politely tell the mutual friend that you aren't really wanting to reach out (can add a "for now").
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