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male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Long story short - my parents separated (my mother and I got kicked out of the house) and later on divorced when I was 1. My father never paid a dime of child support. Times were different and it was very hard for my mother to legally force him to do so.I've stayed with him in different periods of my life for a while because my mother was unable to financially care for me (she foolishly hoped that he would want to take care of me). Not only did he neglect me in all possible ways (sometimes I had nothing to eat), he would also beat me. Regularly. He was verbally abusive. And I didn't know what labels to put on that behavior. For me it was normal. I didn't think about it as a kid. Despite all of that, I adored him. I thought of him the same way everybody else had - very highly. He was the best at everything. It took me decades (therapy included) to understand how the things really were and are. I learned at some point that he's a con man. Suddenly some things started making sense. He would "borrow" money for "projects" that never saw the light of day. He tricked and elderly couple in leaving to him their pretty big property, which he lost due to his debts. He has lived off of other people all of his life.My main problem is in fact with my father's family. They all adore him and shun me (I was practically never invited to family gatherings, only when they needed help - moving from one house to another, for example). It's obvious that they know who and what he is because they never ever gave him any money or otherwise put themselves at risk for him. They just like to spend time with him (he can be fun) and reminiscent of the good old days. What they do however is expect ME to support him now that he's old and sick. Both him and his 5th wife, who like him has never had a day's work in her entire life (I'm not exaggerating, her parents supported her and after she lived on her inheritance).I don't want that. I don't think I'm obliged to. I don't think I owe him that. I had a serious talk with him 7 years ago. I still wanted to put things right and be there for him in a healthy way, but instead of giving it some thought he tried to swindle me for 1500 bucks. His family also supported his lies. They tried to convince me he needed the money to pay some future medical bills, when they knew he just wanted to go on vacation (again, no matter how crazy this sounds, trust me it's all true).I hadn't spoken to him after that until two weeks ago. When first may aunt called and then put him on the phone - he needs money. They tried to blackmail me emotionally , but I still refused. They kept pressing on and I think they will continue. I don't want to stop talking to them altogether, but I don't see what I can do since they don't take into account the fact I give them and how I feel.Thank you in advance for your help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2018): Yes, it's okay to delete someone from your life, no matter who they are. If they are a toxic person, you should not have them in your life. You do not owe him this. He did not take care of you, so why should you take care of him?
You are allowed to be free from him. This is your life. Your choice.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2018): Now that you're an adult, you hold all the cards. You can't change people. Relatives happen to you; and unfortunately, sharing DNA doesn't make them good to or for you.
Some family-relationships have to be maintained over distance; and contact has to be controlled and selective. You first have to control the amount of contact you have with them. Keep it short and sweet. Don't engage them in arguments or gossip. Say your hellos and farewells. If they never invite you to anything. Consider that a favor. They're nasty peeps anyway.
Control the conversations you have with them. Monopolize the conversation by telling them your good news. Rudely interrupt them when they try to be mean or ask for something. Let them know you're doing fine. Let them talk, but when the conversation leads to money or gets nasty; wish them well and end the call. Drop by to heal or help the sick as an act of mercy and compassion. Then be on your way.
Make few to no personal-appearances. You don't have the kind of family that's warm and welcoming. You have people who are simply related to you by some coincidence. Face reality.
Pay them only random visits. Calls, letters, and greeting cards will suffice. They are not nice people, and they probably wouldn't care if they never saw you again. You're old enough now to have come to terms with this, and not let it bother you so much.
You don't have a cold heart and you still need to feel connected. You can do that, but you have to do it on your own terms. You have to tread lightly and watch your back when you venture into their domain. Best you didn't. Don't invite them to your home. In fact, never invite them to your house. It leaves you in pain each and every-time.
Teenagers seem to have a knack for flying above or below radar. They maintain a family-connection, but stay out of reach. That's how you manage a manipulative or abusive family. You stay far out of their reach, check to be sure everyone is still alive, and pay respects when someone passes on.
Otherwise; you carry-on a peaceful life, wishing them well, harboring no malice, and keeping a safe distance. You make friends, and form your on support-systems. Stop allowing yourself to be victimized. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, and make the best of your life. Life is too short to be living it under the thumb and heels of other people.
You get to choose your husband, and you get to choose your friends. You raise your children with love; and teach them how to love and respect each other. You don't spend your life suffering for the past, you build yourself a future away from all that family-dysfunction and turmoil. God gave you a mind and a separate soul. He didn't place you at the mercy of others. You have choices.
Maturity and adulthood gave you experience, and that allows you to plot your own course and decide your own fate. Life is meant to be lived. Not spent hating yourself, feeling sorry for yourself, and living in the past.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (2 May 2018):
 Absolutely.
I haven’t really had much of a relationship with my father. It was to no extent what you have described though. He left when I was around age 4, I’m now 26. Up until the age of about 8 he did try to make effort and see my brother, sister and me each week one at a time to spend time together. That stopped when he got into a relationship and barely saw him after that, only at very sporadic intervals.
The only time I speak to him these days is when I bump into him in town or on a night out, outside of that we have no contact. I don’t know how old he is, I don’t know where he lives, what job he has, if he’s in a relationship. I just live my life with my family around me as normal and it doesn’t impact me at all. He was never there for me when I needed him and now I’m old enough to do things for myself I don’t need him now.
I wouldn’t say I’ve cut my father off, but I lead a perfectly normal life with minimal contact from him and I feel like you could do the same. You don’t owe him anything and just because he’s your father don’t feel obligated to give him or his family any money. They don’t deserve it for his treatment of you.
Keep strong and live your life for yourself without the guilty feeling. You haven’t done anything wrong so shouldn’t feel like you are doing.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  + ♥, writes (2 May 2018):
 I'm going to pass on some advice that a very wise man told me when I was younger. It has comforted me at times when I feel very low about my relationship with my mother. I love her, but I don't like her and she has hurt me very deeply over the years and doesn't seem to have any idea of what she has done. I have very bare minimum contact with her just because I don't want the hurt or the drama.
The advice is this: We don't get to chose our family. We are just born into a family (unless adopted). You can chose your friends, your partner, but not family. Sometimes we get lucky and hit the jackpot, and some of us don't.
I don't blame you for not wanting to have anything to do with your family. Sometimes we just have to walk away from people to save ourselves. Tell his family that point blank..you don't have the money. If they are so concerned about him, let THEM take care of him!
I wish you luck and I hope you can find peace with whatever decision to make. Its really hard sometimes when it comes to cutting off family but again, some of us just don't get good people for family members!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (2 May 2018):
 It's entirely up to you.
I think personally, I would cut all contact and remove myself from him and his side of the family. They seem like a toxic bunch that adds NOTHING positive to you or your life. Like a bunch of emotional and financial vampires (in lack of a better term).
You say you don't want to stop talking to them all together, so... maybe just say NO when they ask? Say I can't afford it.
Do you really want these people in your life?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2018): Do not give him any money anymore ever.The relitives just want you too so he leaves them alone.F him he abused you he beat you he made you go hungry.When he kicks the bucket they will try to guilt you into paying for the funeral.Say hell no.That cost legally is on wife number five.Just cut them all out of your life.Just because you share DNA that means nothing.The way his relitives treat you is abuse also.Cut them all off.You have everyone's permission not to be a victim any longer.Your welcome.
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