A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys, I just want your opinion on a birthday gift. I'm hoping for a parents opinion if possible!I'm 21 and my sister is 19, our father will be 50 in march. My father has a good/well paid job and my mother also works. They have a large amount of savings and whilst we are far from rich we live a very comfortable life. My farther is very careful or 'tight' when I comes to money and that is what lets us live a fortunate lifestyle. Back to my fathers birthday. He will be 50 which is classed as a big birthday. Normally we are left stuck buying for him on every occasion and this year is no different. However, we were out for a meal on Wednesday night and the wales v Italy rugby match was brought up and he expressed how much he would love to go and watch wales play rugby in Italy one day.I had a light bulb moment and looked at the dates. They are playing two days before his 50th birthday. Me and my sister have now been excitedly looking for flights/hotels and match tickets. My boyfriend of 5 years has said he would pay for the match tickets for his birthday. So me and my sister will just have to pay for flights and hotel stay. We have priced it up at roughly £130 each for the hotel and his flight. With my mothers flight it takes it up to £230 each which we cannot afford. (We are both university students working to cover our tuition costs). Therefore we asked if my mother could secretly pay for her own flight but we would pay for her hotel and ticket. I mentioned our lifestyle at the start of the post as £200 is something that my mother and father could afford to pay. My dad is a very tight man so he would grumble but it would not 'break the bank' as such. We've been excitedly planning this trip and we are both willing to work some extra shifts to pay for his trip. However my mother is quite against the idea and says we should tell him first. The problem being is that if we told him first he would decline the offer as he would not want me and my sister spending that amount of money on him. For Christmas we spent £50 each and he transferred £30 into both of our banks as the thought it was far too much. I guess I want another parents opinion on this. Would you be happy with the offer of a trip you have said you always wanted to do? Or would you be annoyed by the amount of money spent and having to contribute £200? If you could afford to pay the £200 which he very much can. Other family members are currently giving my father money for his birthday so he would have spending money etc . Do you think we've got slightly ahead of ourselves? Or do you think we should surprise him with the weekend away? The whole trip is costing around £600, so me and my sister will be paying the majority of the costs. We just want to give him a nice gift for his birthday that is memorable. He doesn't want a party etc so we wanted to do something special.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2015): If I gave such a gift to my mother she would call me a fool, criticize me till I be in tears.
Since I foolishly tried couple time to please her with my gifts, only hearing that I have no taste, and advices on how to gift people, I stopped altogether,and she never got any gifts from that time on not for her birthday, not for mother's day.
So, what I am trying to says, if your father counts every penny, and mney you spend, don't do it.
He will not appreciate it, he will only be thinking about financial damage.
I he is financially well off how come you are paying for your tuitions? I wouldn't try so hard to please me, because I am pretty sure in outcome. Your mother knows him well, that's why she advised youto talk to him first.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2015): Hi all, I am the OP.
I had a thought after reading all of your answers, he has a really close friend who loves rugby as much as him. I thought about ringing him and asking if he would like to join him on the trip. Me and my sister would still cover hotel and ticket costs but he would obviously have to pay for his flight.
Obviously it's just an option as I know this friend may not be able to afford it either. But the offer of a cheap weekend away for £200 and a rugby ticket
May sway him!
That way my mother has said she can also contribute towards the gift so he may be all round happier with the idea. He would not have to pay £200 but could still go.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (15 February 2015):
 If your parents are financially able to pay for these tickets and associated costs and if he really, really, really wanted to watch Wales play in Italy, then he would.
Trust me on this, if my kids got together to pay part of me going somewhere and I had to come up with the balance to make it happen while appreciating the kids were trying to do something fantastic I would be a tiny little bit resentful that my hand had been forced in some way, and that I was having to pay for a trip that I hadn't really planned on taking.
My advise would be to approach your mother for her take o the situation. She would know if it was something he would appreciate, and she should also know what their bank balance is like.
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (15 February 2015):
 I was wondering if they've already given him the money or if you could all chip in, secretly, to pay for the trip (with you and your sister paying for most of it)?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 February 2015):
 Sorry to rain on your parade,bur... I think your mother is right, you'd better tell him first ( and maybe if SHE -Mom-too shows keenness to go you can rope him in ). Yours is a wonderful ,wonderful idea... but for the right kind of parent. Which, from what you write, your father is not , or not quite. Like, if I were your parent and should get such a gift, I'd be thrilled ! I'd love it !. But, I am not a thrifty type . I am from the " you can't take them away with you " school. I would not mind spending 200£ on non-essentials things, like a pleasure trip, and, since I do not mind at all spending over people I care about, even if it has to stretch my finances- so tbh I do not mind at all people spending over me- in fact, the only problem is that it does not happen that often anymore, lol.
But, some people, and some parents, are different. My FIL was like your dad, much worse actually. He was quite comfortable financially, but could not conceive of what he saw like wasting money on futilities. Even if he, or the person doing the spending, could very easily afford it. For him it was displeasing to see money spent on " futilities " i.e., in his view ,anything that 's not serious, solid, durable stuff- like ,say, a Mercedes Benz car to last you 25 years, or a gold Swiss watch to last for generations.
So, he got positively annoyed and upset every time his son tried to gift him something nicer than a pair of wollen socks .If he got wind that the gift costed more thanked, say, 20 bucks, he got mad- and the giver, rather than being thanked, got lectured and reprimanded. So... let it be socks.
Maybe your dad isn't half as bad as this guy , who is really slighty manic about money- but, the point I am trying to make is that some parents DISLIKE having their children spending money on them, they feel guilty of possibly depriving them of something, or else do not want to encourage them to be profligate, or who knows what, but, anyway, a gift should PLEASE the person who gets it, rather than worry him or annoy him.
Another thing is, that even if your father can surely afford £200 for leisure ( well, actually it would be more, what with taxis or car rentals or restaurants, drinks, a souvenir for Aunt Molly etc..... you know how it is when one is abroad, as frugal as you may be you always end up spending more than at home ), maybe he had not planned and budgeted to spend that amount, and least of all on that stuff. If he is a careful planner, having to shell out this month this unforeseen amount , because of someone else's decision !, may bother him. Even if he can comfortably afford it- anyway,it was not his choice and his idea.
It would be different if you could cover all the costs and more. You could just spring your gift on him, and sort of put in front of the " fait accompli ". He might still grumble, because you two spent too much on him- but at least he would not have to reach into his own pockets for something which had not even crossed his mind .
I hope I am wrong, but... better safe than sorry. Follow Mom's suggestions,and have her cooperate in convincing him that yours is a great idea. She is his wife... I am sure by now she knows how to handle him.
Let us know how it all ended, please... and, congratulations, you are really two fantastic daughters ( and one generous quasi -son in law ) !
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2015): Just a question I have. Why does your mother have to go? It's his B-day, and he's a grown-man. Somehow I don't think he'd mind going the trip alone just for a few days. The reason it costs so much, is because you're trying to cover two people, and you can't afford that. Its for him, it's his birthday. He would have time to himself, have a celebratory brew or two at a local drinking hole; and it will be a gift to remember.
You mother is right about not chipping in for her own fair.
I don't see why she'd discourage you from giving something back to your father that you worked hard and dug deep to give him. He's done that for you all your life.
I suggest you just get the match ticket, airfare, and hotel just for him. If mum doesn't like that, just make sure you make her feel just as special when her birthday comes around. Hopefully not too soon, or it WOULD "break the bank!"
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (14 February 2015):
I understand where you're coming from because I tried to set up a trip for my parents 20th anniversary (to send them on a weekend to their first holiday together), that was 5 years away, but my brother and I wouldn't have been able to save enough to cover the costs in time (we were both in our early teens). I was devastated, so I do know why you want to do this.That said, you have to pay within YOUR means, or it won't be quite as special to him. If it was still in the UK, you could probably do it and he'd love it, but a trip abroad is a whole different ball game. It would probably make him happy that you thought up a great idea for him, but sad that he didn't teach you enough about money not to pay for something out of *your* reach - even though he has for any other occasion, presumably ;)I'd go back to your mum, see if there's another way to work it and, as a last ditch attempt, ask your dad. Do *not* pay for anything before knowing that he wants to go using your money.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (14 February 2015):
 I think the idea is great. BUT I also think you should listen to your mom. Your Mom is probably the person who knows your Dad the best. Talk to her on how to work it out so he CAN/WILL go.
Instead of sending him to Italy is there a game closer to home that would be more affordable?
You Dad is a good man for trying to put everyone else first.
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