A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys and gals,Just here to seek some advice.i am in a relationship of three years, with a man who i love and care for deeply. we had been friends for a while before we decided to hook up. I'm tired and just not sure where to begin. i hardly see my man, we see each other once a week and we share a night together and then he goes home in the mornings. we don't live together. i wasn't okay with this at first, but just now i am beginning to get used to this being on my own and starting to enjoy it... to the stage where i am starting to believe i would be better on my own full stop. everytime he is coming round on his night to see me, i feel stressed and just irritated. i work full time so when he comes round i am exhausted and he wants sex and its starting to feel like a chore more than love. ive noticed recently he has no tolerance to discuss my interests and always sounds bored on the phone when i tell him, its just like he doesn't give two hoots.is it okay to think about being on my own? is it healthy? i just need some help determining what i should do.in the meantime, i feel the need to say that this relationship feels more like an 80/20 instead of a 50/50 . i do love him and care for him but it doesn't feel returned. i feel like i am chasing him and being needy by wanting a little more than what he gives and has given me for three years. He spends more time with his friends drinking than with me help please Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (8 February 2018):
 Of course it is, why wouldn't it be? It sounds like this relationship has run its course or else you wouldn't be asking this question.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (8 February 2018):
 I think you have already made up your mind. You are just wary of taking that final step.
Although you say you love and care deeply for this man, you don't appear to be getting any pleasure from your relationship. If he comes round ones a week for his sex fix and, rather than looking forward to seeing him, you see his visit as a chore, then how can being on your own completely be worse? You are already effectively on your own - physically AND emotionally, as he gives you no support.
In your shoes I would take back your freedom and leave this selfish man to his mates.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (7 February 2018):
 Yes, OP
I think you being single for a bit would do you good. While I FULLY agree with FA's and Auntie BimBim's advice - that you are trying your best to fulfill HIS needs, HE isn't really giving much of a hoot about yours and given your age... HE KNOWS what a woman want. (in general) we want more than a weekly roll in the hay.
Sex shouldn't be a chore, and you are starting to resent that you INVEST way more into this relationship that he does so yeah, I think it's time to move on. Taking a BREAK from dating is healthy IMHO. To put yourself FIRST for a while is healthy too.
And I also think that this stage in the relationship GIVEN his age (and yours) this is really all you are going to get from him, he reserves his ENERGY and SOCIAL activities to his friends. Not you.
It will take a bit of getting used to but I think it's worth a try and see how it works for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 February 2018):
You mention you love him deeply but do you feel that he loves you back? Or he is just in a habit now? Have you spoke to him about how you have been feeling?
It seems this relationship has never developed. One night a week is not great if you both live near to each other. I would love to know why after three years you are both not living together? Who's decision was this?
It sounds to me like he wants a part time girlfriend but you need more than that. Of course you would be okay on your own I mean it is only one more night extra a week. Personally I would need more from a relationship after three years, have you spoke to him and told him how this makes you feel? Do you do anything fun together or is it a case of just meeting up and having sex?
It is okay to think about being on your own. I love my own company, and from what I read here I would rather be single than be someones part time girlfriend. If you feel like he doesn't care any more then it is time you put yourself first.
Honestly if this is the stage I was at after three years I would be showing him the door and telling him no more, you deserve more than this.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (7 February 2018):
 Do you ever get together for anything other than the weekly bonk? A meal out or a movie, visit mutual friends, even just a drive somewhere?
From your letter it seems the only time you get together is once a week for sex. It doesn't sound like the sex is so outstandingly good that the other stuff doesn't matter.
While you might be fulfilling his needs he certainly isn't fulfilling yours, the things you need from him: conversation, discussion and companionship he is getting from the blokes he drinks with, so really, what's in it for you?
Of course its okay to be on your own, but don't allow yourself to get lonely, so look for other avenues for you social interactions.
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (7 February 2018):
 Your situation is so typical it is almost a stereotype. He has an emotional need for sex. That is typically high on men's needs. You have an emotional need for intimate conversation. That is typically high on women's needs. The reason you feel the relationship is 20/80 is because you are putting real effort into filling his emotional needs, and he is avoiding or dismissing yours.
There is a chance that if he understood that to you your emotional needs are as necessary as his emotional needs that he would learn to supply your needs and grow and save the relationship. It is important that he learns to fill this emotional need because most of the women he will ever meet will have a similar need. In other words, Win or lose it would be the decent thing to do to explain to him why you are unhappy. But it may or may not actually do you any good. The book "his needs, Her Needs" could help you understand this better.
Your main question seems to be is being alone healthy for you. The answer is complicated. In general people are Social animals. We tend to be happier in groups. But in specifics being alone is also good for us. Being able to live and function without leaning on the group actually makes us better partners. So spending some time alone can be a good thing. Another thing to consider is that you have been in this relationship long term 3+ years. You should probably remain untangled romantically for at least 4 months, to reset and grieve properly. Yes, you will Grieve, breaking up will be a loss even if it was your idea.
I just noticed that you are near my age, and I've been talking as if you were 20 years younger.
Wrap up summary:
The relationship is as unbalanced as you think it is. You aren't happy. Being alone for a while will probably be good for you. There are plenty of prospects for future relationships after you reset.
...............................
|
