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Is it ok for a friend to sleep with your FWB?

Tagged as: Friends, Friends with Benefits, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (24 September 2012) 17 Answers - (Newest, 25 September 2012)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My very close friend slept with a fwb of mine and has not come out and told me herself. I am so hurt by this, but other people who I have spoken to don’t understand why I should be as bothered as he is only a FWB and therefore he doesn’t mean anything and this is a normal situation to happen and not to get too worked up. I am not surprised that it has happened as they do live together in a shared house, but I am shocked as I would never go anywhere near someone who has been with a friend, based on loyalty. I still like my close friend but I am disappointed and now don’t know if I can trust her where men are concerned. She is a good listener and have great times out together, can this friendship really continue or am I looking too much into nothing?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2012):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you very much all for your varied and meaningful responses. With your help I have been able to reflect on the situation. I now see that both of them are not to blame, I guess I was too eager to enjoy the benefits of a FWB relationship, but failed to read the small print. My friend has more value to me than my FWB, hence why her behaviour bothered me more. I was conscious that my FWB would be with other people, but underestimated how it would make me feel if I knew the other person he chose to be with, this may be seen as a right or wrong way to feel, but either way I do not intend to ever get involved in a FWB as I have learnt from this and plan to move on.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2012):

If you are upset about your friend sleeping with your FWB then he is not your FWB. At least not to you.

I had an FWB for almost 20 years.

I didn't care who she slept with.

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A male reader, Cerberus Ireland + , writes (25 September 2012):

Cerberus agony auntI like the idea behind Chi's recent reply but it's all well and good saying that but add living together, seeing her in her pyjamas and underwear a lot and then a night in with a couple of bottles of wine and frankly there is no technical reason why the two of you, drunk, horny and feeling a really exciting sexual spark in the moment, can't get it on.

I challenge any person to say they've never once gotten sexual in the heat of the moment when their intentions that night were not to.

As I said before it would have been good etiquette not to but FWB's means fair game OP and unless you have rules in place then they can only assume they're fair game.

Besides OP you really don't know what happened in that moment, hell you haven't even asked her if it happened, they may have only kissed and it got back to you wrong, or fell asleep in a bed with nothing happening. Who knows what kind of things he said about what you and he had to make her feel okay with it or the numerous other things that could have happened.

Maybe she's devastated about it, maybe she deeply regrets it, talk to her before this eats you up and your assumptions build up too far.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (25 September 2012):

chigirl agony auntI have to ecco the anonymous poster after my original post. I wouldn't sleep with a man a friend of mine has been sleeping with. There would have to be some special circumstance if that was to happen. Even if my friend just had a FWB arrangement, If a friend of mine just knows a guy, I even check in to hear if she's interested in him or not before I introduce him to other women...

I just know that women don't share, and we're territorial. Some more than others, some women don't even want you talking to a man that they SAW first. There's no way any woman I know would be okay with a friend of hers sleeping with a man she slept with first. Not unless she asked permission, or if the friend (or you) weren't aware that you'd had sex with him.

Girlfriends just don't do that to each other...

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (25 September 2012):

CindyCares agony aunt Technically your friend did not do anything wrong. This guy is not your bf, you are not even dating, you are just having sex together. Your relationship is for entertainment purposes only , so from this point of view it's like you were bitching because she dared to watch the same movie you did , or dine in the same restaurant.

In practice , a really good friend, knowing ( but, did she know ? ) that , you have feelings, or anyway a soft spot for the guy ( but, do you ? ) would have abstained from having sex with him , even if technically free, and would have gone to cast her nets in other seas.

This, tough, supposing that you have some sort of ( ureasonable, given the circumstances ) emotional attachment to the guy, and that your friend was well aware of it.

Otherwise, what are you hurt about ? having sex is not like marking cattle- it's not that after you've gone to bed with a man, he becomes yours and everybody must respect that. He's fair game for anybody and if you cannot deal with that , then don't ever get into NSA situations.

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A female reader, maverick494 United States + , writes (25 September 2012):

Most guys think an FWB arrangement is more about the benefits than the friendship. In short, to them it just means arranged sex. That's it. No strings attached, no romance, no responsibility. Most women who enter FWB think that it's a relationship and that if they have sex with a guy that regularly, he must start to have feelings for her. They treat FWB partners like their boyfriends. They get jealous, get their feelings hurt. And this is why FWB is something that rarely works. I'm painting in broad strokes here, but you get the drift.

You and him were not on the same wavelength when you started this thing. He was under the impression he could shag everyone he wanted and he probably told your friend this too. "No we're just FWB's, no strings attached." You however didn't view it this way. Now you got hurt. Was your friend wrong not to clear this with you? It would have been nicer if she talked it over with you, but you're the one attaching things to FWB that were never there. She probably thought he was fair game. And if you haven't discussed your interpretation of the FWB with her, there was no reason for her to believe otherwise. Now if you did discuss your feelings for him with her that makes things different of course.

Get out of this arrangement, talk to your friend about how you feel and see if you can resolve things. But never, I repeat NEVER enter a FWB arrangement again. It's not right for you. And when you get into a real relationship, keep in mind communication is crucial. Always make sure you're on the same wavelength.

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A male reader, rescuer01 United States +, writes (25 September 2012):

I would say yes that if you 2 didn't have any rules or promises not to sleep with anyone else.Like Bondgirl said,this is one of the problems with FWB relationships simply because there are not clear cut rules between some.I was in a FWB relationship for 10 to 12 yrs and eachone of us had some clear cut rules simply we knew that was far as the relationship would go.We sept with whom ever else we wanted to,but if we did,we had to use protection with whom else we slept with even if it was oral sex with them,because we didn't want use any with eachother.

So I say that if you are having more feelings or wanting the relationship to be more than what it is now,you should let him or her know.

Question,Why would you be disappointed if she sept with him the 2 of you are not in a serous relationship and is only FWBs?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2012):

I always believed that FWB is what guys created so they could have their sex effortlessly, without spending any money going to dates, courting a woman. Basically by making it seem ok, they created a generation of free hookers, who sleep with them without requiring anything from them.

For centuries this kind of sex was always for hire. You pay money to a girl, she sleeps with you and then you can do whatever you want to do, date other women, so does she keep on taking other clients for money.

Also in FWB situation men always try to convince women, that there are plenty of women who want only exactly that: sex without anything else.

This is very far from truth. Women hardly ever have sex with men without feeling particular attraction to them, especially if they do it repeatedly. Men do it all the time. They have no problem having sex with a woman, not even finding her appealing. Women tend to develop feelings for a man they have sex with most of the time

That's why for women in this situation often ends up in frustration, while men

at the same time enjoy their lucky situation.

You are frustrated, and I m sure he wouldn't get upset if you slept with another guy, because he doesn't care. He ll bang whatever crosses his path and make it effortless for him.

You shouldn't be in a this situation on a first place, no woman should agree to this humiliating position as giving to a man sexual favors just because.

There is no sense of even justifying or not justifying your friend position in it, because inappropriate behavior like FWB is attracting other inappropriate behavior, like your friend's.

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A female reader, BondGirl72 United States +, writes (24 September 2012):

BondGirl72 agony auntThis is one of the problems with "friends with benefits" relationships. There are not as clear cut and easy as one would think. They are a real relationship just like any others, just because they are fwbs does not mean they are also promsicuous. I would talk to your guy about it NOT her. Although she is your friend and shouldn't have done this, your FWB should have more clearly defined his intentions with you. He is still supposed to be your FRIEND...hence the label...FRIENDS with benefits. If he is not going to inform you that he would like to sleep with someone else, then his *friendship* is not a very strong one.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2012):

I have a friend like that, who would sleep with my FWB, and I don't trust her around my man. I disagree with everyone else and would be upset. I don't think friends should cross that line. If I'm having sex with someone, whether FWB or serious relationship, I don't expect my friends to be having sex with him also, and I expect them to know and respect that. I wouldn't dare do that to anyone myself.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (24 September 2012):

chigirl agony auntOfficially your friend didn't really cross any boundaries. He is just a FWB. You're not serious about him. Then again, women are extremely territorial. So unofficially, and in the female version of the bro-code: yes, she crossed a line. He was yours, she should find her own sex-toy if she wanted one. Girls don't share.

But what I'd be more pissed about is the FWB of yours. So okay, your friend had some harmless fun with "your" guy. But your FWB is now sleeping with more than one person at a time, which is first off all: unhygienic, and second: makes him a manwhore.

When I have a lover he's not allowed to have other women. Sure, he can go on dates, but if he starts to get serious about someone, or if he kisses someone else, then it's over. I don't share my toys.

Make sure you tell your next lover this, so there can be no doubt: you're not interested in sharing. If he gets with another woman, which he's free to do, then it is over.

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A female reader, agonyauntsanonymous United States +, writes (24 September 2012):

With my fwb (or when i had them when i was single) i always have an agreement. We are both to be monogamous to each other regarding being physical. If we however end up being physical w anyone else, we tell eachother. I have this arrangement so i dont get any stds. We always used protection any ways but stds can be transferred through oral sex things like hiv, herpes, chlamydia, syphillus, etc. So its a safety precaution 4 me. But since u didnt have an agreement its not something you can be upset about. You should be friends w her and set up rules w ur fwb, if he doesnt agree find someone else. My fwbs never minded it. Its all about honesty.

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom + , writes (24 September 2012):

I'm afraid the others are right. He is just a friend, essentially. Both of you are by all accounts allowed to see other people - hence the point of friends with benefits.

I think that maybe the FWB thing isn't really what you're looking for, and perhaps you'd be better looking for a boyfriend, and commitment instead.

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A male reader, Cerberus Ireland + , writes (24 September 2012):

Cerberus agony auntI don't see any problem here OP. One friend slept with another friend, that's all it was. It's called friends with benefits for a reason OP, you're not the only friend he can have benefits with.

You're looking too much into nothing OP, you weren't exclusive with this guy, and everyone has already told you it's normal for this to happen. I mean the guy is having casual sex with you, so it stands to reason he's the kind of guy who take opportunities as they arise.

Are you wrong to feel betrayed? Yes and no. Technically yes because those are the rules of fwb's, you can shag anyone you want and are not exclusive, your friend was perfectly entitled to get it on with him and can't be considered as having betrayed you for that. You're not wrong in the sense that it would have been good etiquette for her not to share the same dick without knowing how you'd feel about that first. The thing is though being FWBs automatically means you don't care who he sleeps with.

This should not be used as an excuse to not trust her with guys OP, he's not your guy, she didn't break your trust because there was nothing there to break in this case.

The way I see it is this OP, you can't help how you feel but they're illogical feelings, if you wanted an exclusive relationship with him you shouldn't have settled for fwbs, if you don't mind that he sleeps with other people but think your friends should be off limits then you should have come to agreement with him and also spoken to your friend about it.

The question is, is she a friend worth losing over a guy who you're not even in a relationship with? Also why is she the only one getting the blame here OP? He's your "friend" too isn't he? If she crossed a line with you then he did too, why does he get a free pass and why don't you view what he did as a betrayal?

You're looking too much into it when you really should be talking to her about this. She is your friend OP and by what you say a good one too, then you should discuss this with her and tell her how you feel but remember she didn't do anything wrong in a technical sense, also if you feel betrayed by her then your fwb betrayed you too OP.

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (24 September 2012):

Ciar agony auntI can understand you don't like this new development, but your friends are correct. The whole point of friends with benefits is that you are not his and he is not yours. Otherwise you'd have both chosen to be officially exclusive.

You wouldn't be asking this question if this friend had gone out with another mutual friend for coffee or borrowed his lawnmower. The fact that you're having sex evidently does not make you closer and if you had plans for this arrangement to blossom into a full relationship, the fact that this guy would sleep with one of your friends, should make you rethink them.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2012):

It's not against the rules for her to do it with him.

But since its allowed, your friend also should not feel the need to keep it a secret from you like she is.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (24 September 2012):

Honeypie agony auntI think the "general rule" for FWB is that you don't have any say in who they see, date or have sex with UNLESS there is a prior agreement.

You don't own your FWB nor your friend.

I wouldn't be bothered honestly, but...... I would NEVER have an FWB - I think they are a time-waster and drama waiting to happen.

However, I can't tell you how to feel. You FEEL betrayed, now you have to figure out how to deal with that.

With all that said, yea I think it's RATHER uncool of your friend to jump into bed with him.

I'm guessing your FWB thinks a "hole" is a "hole".....

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