A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with this guy for 3 years and I was just wondering if it is normal to masturbate "to porn" while in a relationship. I understand that it is a natural thing but when I think of him masturbating to another naked women it makes me feel insecure, un-wanted, like I'm not enough. I don't mind that he watched porn with me, I just start to feel insecure when he is doing it without me and masturbating.
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female
reader, Sunflower1969  +, writes (26 August 2009):
Well, the porn question. I'm a woman and I quite enjoy it too. I think the problem with porn begins when it affects a relationship in a detrimental way, for example when the use of porn is preffered over actually having sex with the partner. This has been a problem for me in a relationship that I recently ended (for numerous other reasons as well). Boyfriend rarely got an erection or when he did, failed to sustain it. This was due to excessive masturbation. I've spent the past 6 months feeling incredibly frustrated and (ironically) using porn instead. How sad. But hay ho.. next!
A
male
reader, firechiefpolice  +, writes (11 August 2009):
I would pretty normal for guys. I know that he doesn't do it to hurt you. Hes probably just really bored because when guys get bored thats what they do.
He may be reluctant to talk to you about it because you might be disgusted and think less of him. Porn can get weird these days and you might think it is really extreme. Its a touchy subject but being open about it and not passing judgement will be key.
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A
male
reader, AScott +, writes (10 August 2009):
To be honest, you should only be listening to the male answers to this. Obviously, women do masturbate too but men in their late teens and early twenties do it when they're a.) bored and b.) sexually tense. It may be a hormonal/sexual awakening thing. My answer is not to take it personally and to not talk to him about it and accept what I say as gospel. If you talk to him about it you risk making him feel guilty, dirty and to dent his masculinity. And Honeypie is right, men need visual aids.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2009): I masturbate to porn all the time. Mainly because my girlfriend latly hasnt been in the mood to have sex latly, and I love her to much so instead of fooling around, I watch porn to satisfy that prat of my life.im 19 btw, so yea hormones and shit.Shes fine with it. Not sure if its a good thing or not but meh
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A
male
reader, peter-w  +, writes (2 July 2009):
 yes it is normal i am 44 years old i am in a relationship and my wife knows that i watch porn and masterbates and she doesn't mind
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A
female
reader, noonespecial2 +, writes (2 July 2009):
Hi,
It is important that you speak with him about it. If he needs time then a couple of days is enough. If you ask him again to speak with you, you need to say that this is a significant issue for you and that you need to speak with him right away. If he says he will eventually, then you need to ask for a time when you can discuss things. For example a couple of days and get a committment from him. It may be important for him to have the space so that he can eventually speak with you, yet what's as important if not more important is that you are needing a discussion so that you can get clarity and an understanding of what you are dealing with. This is as important as him getting his space and there needs to be negotiation about how long you are expected to wait. If he won't commit to a time then if I was in your shoes, I would choose the time that it will be discussed. By him avoiding an issue that has come up for you is just delaying it from getting resolved. Having space to think and get his thoughts together is one thing, yet avoiding is another. You deserve to be treated with respect and both his porn watching and refusal to discuss the issue is not valuing you as a significant person in his life not to mention you being his partner.
Be prepared for the possibility of your concerns being minimized by him and you will need to assert yourself so that he accepts and understands that it is an issue for you and that minimizing it doesn't resolve the issue for you. There is no shame in bringing up an issue, it is simply a healthy way to operate in a relationship as things get resolved and people become closer.
Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all of your help.
But I have tried talking to him about it. I told him i wasn't mad or anything and that i just was trying to understand why. And if he could talk to me about it that's all i'd want, so we can be open and maybe i can become more comfortable with it. He said he would talk to me eventually. I'm just not sure how to talk to him about it if he doesn't want to, and i don't think i'm going to feel better about the subject until we do.
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A
female
reader, noonespecial2 +, writes (1 July 2009):
It's common but not healthy. Objectifying does not value people.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2009): Girls tend not to like it, but it is definitely normal for guys. Almost any man who tells you he doesn't watch porn is lying to you, and me personally, I'd rather have one who's honest. I don't mind the guys I date watching porn and so they've been open to talking about it with me, and why they do it. I for my part was genuinely curious and I will say I've tried it myself since! Basically men are extremely visual and sometimes imagining sex doesn't kick-start the physical response quite the way seeing it does. Whatever you do, don't take it as a personal affront...what turns men on in porn is not what they want in a lover or wife. If it were, you wouldn't see all the guys on here complaining about how their girlfriends are perceived as slutty, or have slept with more partners than the man is comfortable with, and so on. Again: the idealized sluts in porn flicks are NOT what he is looking for in a relationship...you are. Unless his porn use is interfering with your sex life, take it for what it is: a healthy outlet for his sexual energy when you aren't available. Good luck!
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (1 July 2009):
 Yes it's normal. Men just aren't as adapt to fantasizing without visual aids...
I swear.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2009): Yeah it's normal. My ex talked to me about it - he said men are really visual and it's just something to get him excited so he can masturbate. He told me he wasn't attracted to the porn stars (not a fan of big fake boobs etc) but it's more the physical response, completely different to anything you share with him. Hope that makes sense.
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A
male
reader, dan026 +, writes (1 July 2009):
 Yes it is normal to masturbate to porn while in a relationship. It is also normal to feel angry and insecure thinking of your S.O. doing the same thing. Truth is, people will always desire or fantasize about sex with people other than the one they love. What is important is that you actually don't engage in a physical relationship with someone other than your boyfriend. Watching porn isn't cheating and actually helps me not to go outside of relationships.
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female
reader, lovnlife +, writes (30 June 2009):
as much as people will lie about it it really is i have been with my guy for 6 yesrs he does it all the time and i talk to him about it he is my best friend we talk about a lot of stuff and he does it he say cuz he like to have saex and he couldnt go out and heat on me cuz he loves me to much but he know i dont always feel like it i am sure its the safest way to get off without cheating i rather him do that then mess with some chick
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