A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Did I just make a huge mistake accepting a proposal?I've been dating a wonderful man for about six months, and he just proposed yesterday. I love him, and I feel like I can see myself having a happy life with him.I am freaking out right now though. I haven't fully gotten over the shock of the proposal, and I was previously married-it was a very unhappy marriage. I've been divorced about 2 years.Now I'm really scared and all I keep thinking are things like OMG..I'm not ready, and OMG...what if this turns out disastrous like the first marriage did?I can't tell if I am just having normal anxiety, fears, or if I did make a mistake. And if I do ultimately decide it was a mistake, what can I do? I don't want to break his heart.
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (26 March 2014):
Dear OP,
I think it's normal to be a little anxious, but you also have some real reason to worry, because to be asked for such a strong commitment after only 6 months of a relationship is quite a lot. Especially after a divorce: You already know that marriage can fail.
My advice is not to force yourself to feel more romantic and pressure yourself into marrying soon. You love this man and you can imagine a future together, that's great! Many people don't recover that well from a divorce, this alone is a reason to celebrate.
But ask for some more time. For instance, have a prolonged engagement period when you can get to know each other and try living together over a longer period of time. Take holidays together. Do things that will help you realize if you're compatible for the rest of your life (or at least the next decade).
That way, you don't break his heart or run away or do anything drastic, you just act like a sensible grown up who has had his share of heartbreak.
Good luck, dear.
A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (24 March 2014):
 I think after only six months of dating it would be quite normal to feel anxious about accepting a proposal.
I don't think this means you've made a huge mistake, I just think it means things are moving faster than you're able to handle.
I think you should be honest with your fiancé, tell him that you're feeling a little anxious (given your history) and that you would find it helpful if you could have a long engagement.
This extra time will give you some breathing space and time to adjust to your new status and be sure of your decision.
Take things slowly so that you can be confident of your feelings and have an element of control over the situation.
If it doesn't offend your beliefs, it might be worthwhile (when you're ready) moving in together. This way you can learn to live together and get to know each other's little quirks before you say "I do".
Communication, patience and understanding of each other's needs are fundamental in a happy relationship so keep talking and I'm sure things will feel better.
We'll always be here to offer support if you need us along the way.
By the way "CONGRATULATIONS!" :)
I wish you well and hope this helps AB x
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (24 March 2014):
 I got engaged last year and am getting married this August - I was super excited for him to propose and only felt happiness after saying yes. I also couldnt wait to start planning the wedding and am hugely looking forward to being his wife.
So to be honest, if you are panicking and not feeling excited about the thought of marriage, then no its not normal and perhaps you are not ready for this big step.
Getting engaged should be an exciting time - think back to when you got engaged the first time, were you excited then?
I appreciate getting re-married after a bad marriage will be different to your first time, and of course you are naturally going to be somewhat anxious. But there still should be excitement and happiness mixed in with the anxiety, and you should trust your feelings enough to know if this is the right man for you. You know what went wrong in the last marriage, so hopefully that should teach you the warning signs to look for in your future relationships.
I think the main problem here is dating for 6 months and getting engaged is TOO SOON. You dont know him well enough and that is where you anxiety is coming from - if you knew him inside and out you would worry that the marriage would go bad like the last one because you would know his personality well enough to confirm that it could never happen with this new man.
In the space of 6 months you hardly know someone, it is not enough time to really experience the highs and lows of life which tests a relationship and proves whether it will work or not.
I suggest you speak to your partner, explain your fears due to your last marriage and ask if he's ok to have a long engagement. Explain that you love him and you see a future with him, but you just need to spend more time getting to know each other so you would like a long engagement before you start planning the wedding.
If he's ok with that then great, if he starts to pressure you then he's not the right man for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2014): Are you the same woman who posted about not liking her engagement ring by any chance?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (24 March 2014):
 I think it is normal, specially after only 6 months of dating and if you has a previous "bad" marriage. I would be more worried if you didn't freak out a little.
I would however, not MARRY til I feel like it's a good thing. Til you know his background fully (to include financials). 6 months is still the "honey moon phase" and I assume you aren't living together yet either?
IS there a hurry to marry? If not, just go slow. But be honest with him.
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A
female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (24 March 2014):
6months of dating then an engagement, seems too quick. But everyone moves at different paces. You say your last marriage wasn't a happy one. Have you had time to explore that and deal with any lingering doubts and issues from it?
Before you get married again but be a good time to reflect on the past and come to terms with it. You could have a long engagement and see how things go with your fiance. He obviously loves you to death to want marriage so talk to him about how you're feeling. Most of all talk to family and friends, the people who love you most. Maybe they can help reassure you and help with your anxieties.
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (24 March 2014):
 Some people know they are ready to marry each other after six months of dating, and go on to have happy and successful marriages.
In general, though, that's a rather brief courtship prior to an engagement, even if BOTH people are 100% confident about the decision. And given that you are having doubts and don't feel ready, in your case it's definitely too much too soon.
If you don't want to hurt his feelings and can honestly say there's a good chance you *will* want to be married to this guy in the future, you could try a long engagement... but I honestly think your best bet is to level with him, explain that the proposal took you by surprise and there are parts of your first marriage about which you still feel anxious, and ask him to give you more time. If his love for you is genuine he will want to be respectful of your feelings, and will give you the time and space you need to be ready for such a major decision.
If, on the other hand, he tries to pressure you into marriage even *after* learning of your reservations, he is not a guy you actually want to marry. Ever.
Good luck and best wishes.
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