A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hay everybody,the mess i'm in right now is a bit complicated and i really hope someone could give me some useful advice.I'm 23 and before i met my current boyfriend of 4 months i've had a crush on one guy for 4 years. I've actually been single because i was hoping he will give me a chance and everything is going to be great. That chance never came and i've never told him how i felt about him, even i'm sure he knew i liked him very much.Everything we ever had were long conversations on parties every few months and some sharing of music on facebook.My friend asked him what he thinks about me as a girl and he said that he likes talking with me and there's nothing wrong with me, but he doesn't want to have relationship with anybody, because he's happy being single. And that was enough for me to rationally cut off everything.My feelings for him faded away as soon as i've met my new boyfriend 6 months ago. He is everything i've ever really wanted and needed from a guy. He loves me very much and everything is going on really great.The problem is that i have those "swings of emotions". There are days when i'm totally in love with him and days when i'm not that much.By analyzing my feelings for my boyfriend i figured out that days when i'm very in love are usually days when i'm not stressed out (i have quite a lot obligations: student's job, taking care of a house because of current absence of my mother, study, ...) and in the certain phase of my menestrual cycle. For example, we were on our first vacation last week and i couldn't get enough of him being around me.The days when i'm not so in love with him and i don't even need to touch him so much as usual (i'm very cuddling person) are the days when i'm stressed out more and i have lack of time for myself. And these are the days when i sometimes still think about my ex crush and wonder how he feels about me.But even in those bad days i would never leave my boyfriend for ex crush, because i like him as a person so much more than my ex crush. But it's like my brains got used to have crush on the other guy and sometimes that thoughts come back, because i was used to think a lot about him before i've met my boyfriend.So like i said, i have these "swings of emotions" like i'm bipolar in love. I have ups and downs and it doesn't depends on the way my boyfriend act around me.My first question is: are these "swings of emotions" normal in relationships? How can you get rid of them? Or not feeling guilty about them? I was single since the age of 18 and to be honest i don't know excactly how it feels being in a healthy relationship.My second question is: is it normal to sometimes still thinking about of your ex crush in a "downs"of relationship? How to stop thinking completely about someone when you know you have no chance with that person and you're in happy relationship?It feels unfair to my boyfriend because of my "swings of emotions". I'm afraid that someday in my "downs" of relationship i'm going to leave him and then be very sorry about my actions. Over all i love him very much.Maybe the problem is that I always thought that when i'm going to meet the right guy it won't be any doubt he's "the one" and other problems will dissapear. But most of my problems (job, study, family, ocasional panic attacks..) are still here, my boyfriend just helps me that i face them better and give me safety i missed.Do i worry too much? What's your experiences with that kind of mood swings in relationship?ps: sorry for my bad english, it's my second language!
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female
reader, dcgirl15  +, writes (22 July 2013):
I do think that having swings in relationships is normal. It sounds more like some days you're stressed out and don't have the time/energy to concentrate on your relationship and how lucky you are so the feelings aren't at the top of your mind. I've read a few studies that say that between 4 months and 1 year, the "lust" and "crush" stage start to wear off and you enter into an "attached" stage instead of being constantly intoxicated with the person around you. After this stage, you enjoy the person because of what they mean to you and not always how they make you feel. It becomes more "real".If you're thinking about the other guy, I would guess it's more because of the fact you never got to see what it would have been like. You never got to find out his flaws and instead he still remains an ideal that was unexplored and unfulfilled. On the low days, I would think it would be more about the fact that you're stressed and daydreaming of something external to make your life easier.I don't think it's a crime or a bad thing, but it probably isn't too healthy if you let it get out of control. At some point - maybe when you're a year in - it probably is time to let go of the crush. If you're serious about your boyfriend, I would try to consciously start correcting your thoughts if you daydream about him, stop listening to any shared songs (or try to associate new thoughts). After a while, you won't have to do it consciously and you'll just stop thinking about him. It seems weird now but I promise that's how it works (I've done it). You might even be able to find websites or advice threads on how to get over a crush. Don't be too down on yourself; you liked him for 4 years! That's a long time and I'm sure you formed a deep attachment. It's just time to realize that phase of your life is over and now you have a real relationship. And that's why better than an unrequited crush! Believe me.I think you do worry too much. You also might be putting too much pressure on your relationship. If your boyfriend makes you happy, he's interesting, and you feel safe, I'm not sure what else you want. He won't make any problems disappear. You have to work at that yourself. No one's life is perfect and no one can make yours perfect. That's probably a result of Hollywood brainwashing. I think of the relationships as a priority. Sometimes, when things are going well, it can be your number one. You can put all your time, energy, and emotions into it. However, there are several other things you have to look after as well: your job, family, friends, hobbies, and personal errands (like cleaning, cooking, and grocery shopping). To be a functioning, healthy adult, sometimes you have to prioritize other things over your relationship. it doesn't mean it's not important, it just means you're well-rounded. As long as you come back to the relationship, and put time and energy into it, I think it's normal and even healthy. You can't tie all your well-being and fulfillment into another person. Good luck! It sounds like you have something good going and you're taking steps to make it healthy long term. :)
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