A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:A little background. When my fiancé was in his late 20's he was in bad car accident and he was in a coma for 3 weeks and rehab and then went home after 3 months. That sent his parents into a frantic mode, which would be a normal response to that type of event.That left a lasting effect on his parents. What I noticed is that now, even if we go travel to another town and the town is only an hour away, he will call his parents and let them know where we are going. Then when we get back, he will call and tell them we are back home. This is every single time.I said, why even tell them we are leaving to go somewhere in the first place. He said that, if they happen to call and we are not here, they would worry about us and wonder where we are. Then he said, while they are still here on this earth, it's nice to have parents to call that do worry about their children.I remember once, on Valentines Day, we went to hotel, I got all dressed up in fancy lingerie and when I came out, he was on the phone to his parents telling them where we were and then he had me talk to them too while I am standing in my lingerie and here I was ready for a private romantic moment with him. It definitely killed the mood for me.I am really trying to understand it from all of their perspectives given what his parents when through with their son's accident.
View related questions:
fiance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CattyCat  +, writes (10 March 2015):
 You both need to compromise.
He needs to keep his conversations short and polite on the phone. Or even a text. And you need to allow him to do that.
Tell him he can save the conversation of telling his parents what the place is like, for when he gets back home and SEE'S them. Meanwhile, when you are both on holiday, it should be about you two. He SHOULD NOT have made you talk on the phone while in your lingerie. That was just wrong.
So talk to him, come to an understanding and try it out
A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (10 March 2015):
 I understand why your fiance does this, but at the same time it does seem a little excessive.
It seems his parents have not come to terms with what happened or moved on from it. They probably still worry needlessly, and your husband is trying to calm their worries.
But they need to move on and stop worrying. Your husband is not in any more danger than anyone else, and really he should seek to move things forward too.
I agree with CindyCares - has he not got a mobile phone? If not, he should get one so he's always contactable in the event of an emergency.
...............................
A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (9 March 2015):
 I don't think there is anything seriously wrong @ all with what your fiance has been doing, considering what almost happened to him years ago.
"Provided he is not going over-board, with ph calls to his parents."
(Btw, over-board could mean different things, to different people, depending on their respective thoughts/feelings, upbringing, cultural background, lifestyle choices, so on & so forth.)
At the time this type of contact began, you were obviously NOT a part of his life, your fiance & his parents created a type of "habit" or "ritual", it seems, just to bring some type of relief to his parents mind, whenever he went out.
I agree with most previous readers, in that, he & his parents could take it too far, by way of daily contact & paranoia type behaviour, but from what you've stated, it is only whenever you guys are going out somewhere & although it may be a nuisance @ times & it obviously bothers you to some degree, or else you'd not be writing to Dear Cupid, it shouldn't be a matter of life &/or death.
I guess you have to look @ this from numerous angles.
If my fiance, did what your finace is doing, i would think he is a very kind & caring individual who has time for his parents, who is respectful of their feelings & doesn't want them to worry unecessarily, because of what occurred when he had his car accident.
In this modern & fast paced world we all live in, most people, especially younger people, really don't have much time for their parents, grandparents & most will never check in with mum or dad, even if their parents ask them to.
(I do know, that this doesn't apply to all younger persons, but certainly to many.)
For older persons, it's all about respect & doing the right thing by others & not just satisfying our own egos, or pushing others aside, despite their concerns.
Put it this way, if your fiance displayed little or no concern, respect toward his parents, i am sure you'd then be quitely contemplating &/or wondering why?
Also, if he treats his parents with the utmost respect, you can rest assured that you're engaged to a rarity & a keeper.
I can tell you, he is a gentleman who really respects & appreciates his folks & this means, that he must obviously love & respect you greatly.
I would be happy to be with & to marry such a guy & i am fortunate enough, to have met such a man.
Rather than focusing on what he isn't doing, or what he ought to be doing, focus on what he is doing & appreciate that unique quality in him, despite how daggy, quirky, childlike, weird or annoying it may seem.
I guess you need to sit down with your fiance & discuss your concerns with him regarding this matter.
I gather from what you wrote, that you don't mind him checking in with his folks, but it's probably the consistent regularity, that is a bit of an issue to you.
I am gathering that you feel, he has to check in with his parents for every move that he, or you guys make.
Too often, simply too much, considering he is a mature adult & he is now engaged.
Maybe you could talk to him, about him carrying his mobile ph, so he doesn't always have to pick up the landline to ring them, or to answer their calls.
I can understand, that this would be kind of frustrating.
Also, maybe he could make calls, primarily for the "long term absences", rather than making a call, every time he or you, both walk out the door for a few hours.
He loves, appreciates his parents whilst they're still alive & that's great, bec i can say & as a nurse, that life is fragile, precious & once his parents are gone, he will be the one suffering, missing them, so allow him to do what he feels happy & comfortable doing, although i do understand, that you don't like the fact, that he does it too often perhaps & you guys are mature adults, in an exclusive relationship.
Yes, you both do have a life, so talk to him & make some more appropriate changes, whereby he can still maintain contact with his parents, but you & he as a "couple", have a bit more freedom, space from the very regular calls & you feel happier about your relationship.
PS. (I am in my late 30s, my parents are very similar & with all due respect, i was not involved in anything serious.
It is just that my parents & i have always been pretty close & i do respect them, honour them & appreciate them, despite all the ups & downs of the past, especially with my mum.
I realise as i get older, that they won't be around for ever, so while they're still here, if they ring me or ask me to ring them, i may not do it immediately, as i am often busy, but i am not that busy, that i will totally ignore them.
I "always" make an effort to return their calls, no matter what & i maintain regular, healthy contact with them.
My fiance has no issue with that whatsoever, as he actually wanted to meet a woman who got on with her family & had a good relationship, as his ex was the complete opposite.)
Remember, a person who has a good relationship with his/her family, is a person worthy of your time & your respect.
It says a lot about a person, in so many ways.
(I would also add though, that just because a person, hasn't got a good relationship, or maintain contact with their family, that they're a bad person, on the contrary, bec we don't know what has occurred in everybodys life or their respective pasts, but what i've mentioned, would be more generally based.)
Good luck & let me know how you both get on. :-)
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 March 2015):
 Call me dumb ,but I did not get why you ( or he ) say that " if they call and don't find you in , they may be worried and wonder where you are ". Why ? Do they HAVE to only call the landline ??
Hasn't your fiance' got a CELL phone, like everybody in the Western world, where he can be reached at regardless of his geographical location ?
If they call him on his cell, he does not even need to say he is away from home, unless he really WANTS to.
This not to be secretive and mysterious about his comings and goings , but , in fact, not to add to this apprehensive, traumatized older folks' anxiety. What happens if he warns them he is going ,say, out to dinner in the next town, ( or any place as for that ), they figure: ok this means that he should be home by X time at most- and for whatever reason ( stuck in traffic, the car breaks down, he gets drunk, meets an old friend ) he reaches home 3 or 4 hours later than normal ?
Wouldn't his folks have been dieing thousands deaths in the meantime ?....
Sorry, I know that this has not got much to do with the gist of your question, I was just curious to know why 1 ) he can only be reached at home, and 2 ) he thinks his is the best method to reassure two paranoid older parents when it is so clearly NOT.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2015): Correction...I meant future-hubby! Sorry!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2015): I speculate his parents are in their late 60's or 70's, maybe older? As they get older, old habits are hard to break. They expect dinner at a certain time; and they do all their daily-routines like clockwork with a robotic-consistency. They sometimes treat their grey-haired adult-children like they're teenagers.
I am in agreement with Sageoldguy. It's certainly sweet and sentimental of him to keep tabs on THEM to be sure THEY'RE okay. Not going over-board with sweet-n-sappy devotion.
They're expecting to be treated as his first and foremost concern in his life. They're spoiled!!! Some parents feel they should come first above anything and everyone else in their adult-child's life. Once we become married-adults, you set some family-guidelines where your marriage is concerned. Your parents shouldn't compete with your spouse and family for your attention; although they must be held in the highest esteem, and given the greatest respect. Mom and Dad deserve their props. You offer them the high-regard they deserve in a very "adult-fashion;" not in the wimpy "subservient-manner" we did as children. Well, lay it on them from time to time. It makes them feel good.
As an adult, the respect now goes both ways. They maintain the parental-right to overrule and pull rank. It's not real, we just allow them the courtesy. If they hold the purse-strings; that might account for a bit of brown-nosing.
Spouses come "last;" when they step out of line, or show unjustified aggression or disrespect toward your parents. Off-topic; but still keeping things in perspective.
He's too old for a curfew! Checking-in to let them know his coming's and going's is a bit adolescent.
It's a kind and considerate gesture, as long as he keeps it within an adult-context; and isn't bending to any unreasonable demands from them.
He should definitely let his parents know where to reach you both in-case of an emergency. That is, if you're going to be away for an extended-period of time. Every-time you walk out the door, is ridiculous!!!
I'm going to give your hubby benefit of the doubt. He doesn't get the opportunity to defend himself here.
He is a sweet and considerate son. Most people these days ignore their aging-parents until they need something; or they swoop-in like vultures to see what they can get, once they pass-away.
His folks are milking it for all it's worth. In fact he should do it less frequently; and stop allowing them to be manipulative, by behaving like his life is in peril every moment he steps out of the door. That is pushing it a bit.
I will allow for some exaggeration on your part, people do embellish a bit to slant opinions their way. I find it a little difficult to believe he is as consistent as you claim. I think his child-like behavior annoys you, and you don't want to sound like an unreasonable or spoiled-spouse. I don't mind how close my mate is to his parents. Doesn't bother me when, why, or how much he calls them. That's just me.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 March 2015):
 My dad is 80 I am 55 my kids are 30 and 28. None of us live together in fact, other than my older child who is in a group home, we all live in different states.
But when my son is traveling it's nice to let me know that he arrived safely.
I do the same with my spouse. And even friends.
Sounds to me like he is thoughtful and considerate.
Remember you should look at how a man treats his mom to see how he will treat you. So far this has proven for me to be a sadly accurate measure of how a man is going to behave.
He will never leave YOU wondering if he's ok.....
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 March 2015):
 Your fiance sounds like a keeper and a really wonderful guy.
I wouldn't have thought his call to them at the hotel was a mood killer. Any act of kindness or thoughtfulness or love would have made me love him more.
I would feel different if he was asking their permission or if it was a control or interference situation, but they were traumatized by what happened to him. I get that.
It is unusual, but in perspective, it makes sense. And your fiance wants you to be included in their love and in his family, which is why he had you talk to them. Yeah, a bit awkward since you were in lingerie, but consider that if he shows this type of love and constancy for his parents, he'll show you that sort of deep love as well.
My father was like that when he was alive - no matter how old I was, if I traveled, he wanted me to call him and tell him I was home just so he didn't worry. He died year and a half ago, and I miss those "check-in" calls.
It's far from a red flag. It's a GREEN flag, meaning it shows your fiance's good character and display of love and compassion. If he's the age you are, then his parents are pretty old. The "check-in" is kind of a ritual, and it's an "I love you" thing.
When I was on my honeymoon, we had it interrupted by a hurricane and were forced to evacuate not once, but twice. There was a lot of damage and upheaval, but when we got to the designated areas, we called each of our parents to let them know we were okay. Both of our parents' were really worried, and it meant the world to check in, even on our honeymoon! We didn't tell them we were chasing tornadoes in the outer bands against police orders...until after we got home. heh.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 March 2015):
 I wouldn't be as generous as Honeypie in giving this guy and his parents a "pass".....
The predicament that triggered their (parents') anxiety and behaviour happened a long time ago (using my arithmetic and your title-line). It's time for them (parents) to loosen up on this guy. HOWEVER, it's up to HIM to do so... for HIS sanity... NOT "for" you or anyone else.....
It's nice to be doted upon... but, you need to direct Mr to understand that HE is now adult.... and really should cut the apron-strings to his Mommy and Daddy.
I understand how it makes you feel rather parenthetic in his life....
Good luck..
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 March 2015):
 If HE is OK with it, I don't see the problem.
They ALMOST lost their "child" and the anxiety from that ALMOST LOST can seemingly be quelled by knowing WHERE he is and when he is travelling, to know he arrived safely.
Now I'm guess (because you didn't put it in there) that the accident happened over 10 years ago, and this is not an ingrained habit for him AND his parents. For them it's normal.
I get the whole Valentine's day thing was awkward, and I would have talked to him about it. Calling his parents in ONE thing, could have been a short call, and SEEING you in lingerie... he should have made the call even shorter. BUT you seem to forget THIS is the norm for him & his parents.
...............................
|
