A
male
age
41-50,
*nloveluc
writes:Just wondering if some ladies (or gentleman) can help me out .Do you think it's more romantic If you were proposed to in private verses a public place.I've been thinking about asking my girlfriend to marry me but I want to include her daughter and some of my family . Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, celtic_tiger  +, writes (15 October 2015):
 I have to agree with Tisha on this.
In light of your update, 8 months is really a very short space of time to really know someone, especially when children are involved.
How much time have you spent with her daughter, as a family unit type scenario?
You say you do not live together, so you have no idea how a permanent dynamic might work, or how the child might react to having a relatively strange man around 24/7. You have been dating her mother for 8 months, but have you seen the child for the same amount of time - or just for the odd outing together?
From my own experience, my ex-boyfriend moved in with me in a similar time frame to what you are suggesting. At the time it was a necessity due to outside factors, but at the time I was loved up with rose coloured glasses on. I found to my cost, that dating someone for 8 months and then actually living with someone is a completely different experience. Sometimes, you find out things about a person that you didn't know, and don't really like.
I was able to make a decision to end the relationship after 2 years because we were not married, and I didn't have any children. It was still an incredibly traumatic process, moving his stuff out, and the emotional fall out of the whole thing. In my opinion we rushed too quickly into it. Had we continued dating for a few more months, I suspect the relationship may have come to a natural end sooner, but when you are tied up and living together things suddenly get far more complicated.
You really are still in the first flush of romance, and your judgement could be clouded by the love rush. Unlike my situation, there is a child involved in your question.
She is an innocent party in all this, and would not understand if suddenly after getting settled in a new family environment, suddenly it was all to implode around her.
What you could do, is perhaps show that you are committed to exploring the future with your GF, by giving her a promise ring. Something that is not necessarily an actual engagement ring, but shows that you see her as your potential wife. I really do think you both need more time to get to know each other, for the longevity of your relationship, and the stability of the child.
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (15 October 2015):
Hmm this question got complicated fast when I began reading all the answers. I think this is something you just need to feel out with your partner because everyone has their own opinion and preference. Do some digging but don't be too obvious about it. You have to ask friends you can trust that wont sell out the secret.
I think getting something with the family might be really tricky. But involving the daughter is a good idea. Like an act where she pretends to bake something and you eat it. And you begin choking so her mother tries to help. And out you cough the ring and she bursts into tears and the daughter is laughing. Next day the family comes over and they get to see the ring on her finger and she is on cloud9 all day.
You know...just like in the movies.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (14 October 2015):
 To be honest, i'm just trying to picture myself in this scenario, personally i think I would at least like to be consulted on how to go about informing my child rather than just have it sprung on them. I just think it is considerate for her to be included in the big reveal.
...............................
A
male
reader, KnightnDay +, writes (14 October 2015):
Private 100%.. i wish we had a proposal when my wife and i decided to get married. Ive been married 25 years and we dated for 7 years prior to the wedding. Tbere was no proposaland in fact i didnt tell anyone for approx six weeks after we co decided on a date. She wanted a ceremony with only our immediate families at a chappel. The wedding was on Dec 31. The worst day of the year- try celebrating an anniversary each year on that date! You have to book a year in advance and the rates are triple! I will never ever forget driving by my best friend and waving as i was on the way to my wedding and he was going to play golf. No romance at all and i hate thinking of those days. It was just how she wanted everything- cheap. I still have dreams of the big wedding i wanted with the girl i cant breathe without .. i pray one day it happens but i know it wont.. Do the right thing and make it special ...cor you all.. god bless you ! ;)
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (14 October 2015):
 I think asking privately, in a romantic setting, would be lovely.
Then including the family could be something you two plan together. A family dinner or a party? Or on a special holiday?
You've been dating only 8 months, which to me is not that long. You have some time to think about it and to get to know her better.
Again, congratulations on a happy relationship which is obviously growing stronger every day!
...............................
A
male
reader, inloveluc +, writes (14 October 2015):
inloveluc is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe have been dating for eight months but have known each for a year and a half . Her ex is still a very big part of her life they share custody of her daughter . I have met him several times. I'm not his biggest fan but have no issue with downing time with him when t comes to attending events with my girlfriend or her daughter. Her family lives out of town . I have met them a few times and it went great. My family loves her . She is extremely close to my sister,they have became instant friends and my whole family loves her daughter
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 October 2015):
I'd start asking the "hypothetical" questions.
"So if you were to get married in the future, how do you think you'd want your daughter involved? Or not involved?
"What do you think would be the best way for a proposal to happen?"
At another time, ask her an open-ended question.
"What are your favorite proposal stories? And why?"
How long have you been together? And how is the ex involved with his child?
Do your family members spend a lot of time with you and your girlfriend now? Are they close?
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (14 October 2015):
 Hi
If she is ''the one'' i guess it's time to start the discussions with her about making things more permanent.
Bit early to start thing about the wedding preparations if no marriage discussions have yet to take place and you've not yet asked her.
Whole lot of water needs to flow under the bridge before you get to the wedding plans. Good luck with the process
...............................
A
male
reader, inloveluc +, writes (13 October 2015):
inloveluc is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHer daughter is 4 and I don't have any children.
We have recently started talking about moving in with each other since im in the process of building a house and my sister has recently gotten engaged and she has made comments about when "we" get married but we haven't official sat down and talked marriage
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 October 2015):
I think it's sweet and generous to want to include her daughter and your family in the happy news. You know her family and you presumably know her daughter, so I would trust your own judgment in this.
Have you been discussing the possibility of marriage and combining families? Is she aware that you might be close to popping the question? How old is her daughter? How old are your children? Do they know each other and get along?
There are so many kinds of families, open ones who live life more as a unit than as a collection of individuals. There are families that are more private and avoid public displays of affection. This doesn't mean that one is better than the other.
I think you should do what you think your girlfriend/wife-to-be would love to look back on and remember.
And you could start by asking"hypothetical" questions about how she might like to handle notifying her daughter.
However you handle it, congratulations! (I'm assuming she'll say yes, as you seem to be a thoughtful gentleman.)
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (13 October 2015):
It should just be you and your intended, and in a discreet private setting away from all distractions. Invariably after a proposal there may be a wish to just share the moment and enjoy the sunset together. Or the momentous occasion may trigger some important discussions a couple may want to initiate, about their future together. After all I am sure you would rather that such an important event as a marriage proposal will be so memorable that you and your intended will want to cherish how special those memories are to both of you, for many years to come.You don't need to consider doing something for her daughter, around the same time, to compensate or to make the daughter feel that she has not been forgotten. Time to do family things, as a family, will happen in the future.The special persons at a proposal are the initiator (you) and one (your intended) being proposed to. A couple surely would want to concentrate solely on each other, without distractions?You can make it especially romantic and memorable by putting extra thought into the occasion and the words you choose when you do propose.Very public proposals always bother me, as they put the parties ''on show'' and add pressure to both parties. They seem potentially embarassing to me, rather than intimate and romantic. There will be times, in the future when you can be helpful and choose to do things as a family later. But children still need to learn boundaries and not expect that if Mom gets a present/or a suprise that they too will also receive something, very soon after of similar significance. Parent and child should not be in competition for attention like two jealous siblings. Nor should anything be contemplated that would encourage such a belief.If parents do too much, too often for a child it can encourage a child to think and try to live as if their own needs and wants surpass the needs and wants of anyone else and are more important than any other priority at the time. Real life does not guarantee that all our needs will always be met at all times of our choosing. No one has a right to think real life will always be like that.Saying no, and imposing some boundaries, where required, is good parenting. A child who experiences no checks and balances as a result of a child's demanding behaviour, and with no boundaries is a child, is more likely to grow up as a selfish entitled person. It is up to the child's mother to explain things to her child and with her child, face to face with language her daughter can understand to explain this very important change that will take place. Over time you and your intended can assume a shared parenting style, if that is what your intended is willing to consider.Expect the child to feel a little wary at first, but that's the nature of step-parenting at first. Getting engaged should be a very romantic and special between the couple. It is an adult thing between you and her.The child is not being ''left out'' since getting engaged and married is what adults do.You do not need to do something for the child so that the child does not feel left out. There are some things a child needs to accept as being adult activity.Your role as a step-parent is something to discuss with your intended, in private, so that you parent as a united front and with consistency when parenting in the future.It is up to the child's mother to decide, later, if she'd like her child to be a flower girl at the wedding. (I expect both mother and daughter would enjoy that). Though once again the bride will be the significant focus for your attention at the wedding. There is nothing comparable you can do with the child that is as life changing and significant as proposing marriage to your intended. Nor is there a need to try to find somethings as similarly significant as compensation for the child. Your focus needs to be on your intended.Becoming a good step-parent and co-parent is a completely different challenge awaiting you in the future. Your words and your actions on a daily basis will ensure your acceptance and success as a co-parent and and a step-parent, or not. Lots of consultation will occur before it all comes together smoothly. Rome was not built in a day when it comes to step-parenting. Sometimes bumps along the road will appear and need attention. I hope that everything proceeds to result in a a very happy occasion for you and your intended when you propose to her.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 October 2015):
 EDIT:
and ASKED the daughter to be HER step dad
Should be:
and ASKED the daughter IF he could be HER step dad..
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 October 2015):
I'd have floral headdress made for the daughter and when you tell her that you're going to be her new step dad, put the "crown" on her head and tell her that she'll be an important part of the wedding as the most special flower girl ever.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 October 2015):
I know a friend of ours took the woman he was going to propose to and marry's daughter out to a dinner and ASKED the daughter to be HER step dad (he had already asked her parents for consent) the daughter was 10. She was also VERY good at keeping it a secret till AFTER the proposal.
I thought it was a sweet way to include the child, but not all kids can keep quiet.
If you want to include her, find a way that works for YOU (and the child)- while I do think it's between 2 consenting adults... YOUR little family consist of 3 people. So yes, I'd find a way to include her.
...............................
A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (13 October 2015):
I think you have to create a balance between the proposal and inclusion of a child.
Bottom line, it is great that you want to include her daughter (how old is she?), but ultimately it is your partners decision to accept a marriage proposal, not the child.
Children can get.. a little over the top... about things like being a bridesmaid. But they do not fully understand what it is really all about.
To have the added pressure of "Mummmmmy I reaaaaaaaalllly want to be a bridesmaid", on top of everything else, is a lot of pressure. To say no, would not only be sad and disappointing for you, but also for the child. Regardless of if it was the right thing to do.
I do not know what your relationship is like with the child, because she will become your step-daughter. She may or may not like the idea of you getting married (children can be weird and strange at times!) so be prepared for some odd reactions. She may love the idea, she may potentially also throw a massive strop. Either way, there are huge chances for emotional blackmail if she doesn't like the situation.
I think it should be the two of you alone. You can then break the news to the daughter "together" as a united party. This way there is no chance that she can feel unloved, and she can feel part of the planning and celebrations.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (13 October 2015):
Edit:
Excited child-sorry
...............................
A
male
reader, inloveluc +, writes (13 October 2015):
inloveluc is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you ! Do you think I should leave her daughter out of it ? Or do something special for the daughter later on? I don't want her to feel left out
...............................
A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (13 October 2015):
For me, it would be private, and should just be a special moment between the two of you. I would be mortified if such a special moment happened in public.
As the others have mentioned, it can put so much pressure on the other party to say "yes". You also have to remember that every single person witnessing will have an opinion on your proposal (he didn't put a lot of effort in/was over the top/ I wouldn't have done it like that), as well as her reaction (she wasn't very enthusiastic, not sure, doing it for the wrong reasons)... people love a bit of gossip and no doubt chinese whispers would be created.
It should be a special moment between the two of you, as marriage is about a union of two people - not what anyone else thinks. There should be no pressure to say yes, just to keep up appearances and avoid embarrassment.
Why not have a fun engagement party instead?
Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (13 October 2015):
Id go with private hands down. If she is not one for being the centre of attention to could be mortifying and uncomfortable. Then there is the added pressure of having to say yes, I sincerely hope she does of course, or even has an excited answer on her behalf which could be problematic if she isn't too sure of her answer. Best of luck to you though I hope it turns out just as you want.
...............................
A
female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (13 October 2015):
I would ask her in private and then have the family waiting in the wings to immediately celebrate.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 October 2015):
I think private is more romantic - for the simple reason that she won't feel any PRESSURE to say yes, if she isn't sure.
But it can be done in a semi public manner with family around and still be romantic.
I just don't find the "score bard proposal" very romantic.
...............................
|
