A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a great boyfriend, but the problem is he is too attached to his 22 yr. daughter.We've been together for almost 3 yrs. and during the 1st yr of our relationship he did not have his daughter. But somehow a summer stay has turned into forever.(I was told it was temporary)He did not discuss this with me at the time it happened.His daughter is a bright, kind person and has a slight mental handicap(short-term memory problem), She's smart and can manage by herself when given the oppurtunity, (her mother or sister, will usually touch base with her) but for some reason he feels he needs to do everything for her, which I believe is making her too dependent on him and not helping her situation.The problem is he is always including his daughter to do things with us without asking me first. I know there is a time for family and a time to be just a couple and I have discussed this with him on several occasions that there needs to be a balance. I live 2 hrs. away from him and I am the one who usually drives to his place (75%). I have mentioned to him that he sees his daughter everyday and asked that he take that time to spend some quailty time with her and whenever we don't see each other which is usually 1 weekend a month.Here is an example:For the past 3 weeks we have donethings with his daugther and his family,this past weekend I suggested we have a date and we met on a Sat. and had a beautiful day together alone. The next morning as we were getting ready to spend another day alone,( I thought) when all of a sudden I heard him asked his daughter to join us. Well that did it, I was mad, I could not enjoy the day at all. I have never gotten to this point, I just don't know what to do anymore.I'm I wrong for feeling this wayand what shall I do? Reply to this Question |
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female
reader, 48years  +, writes (8 April 2009):
 If you are planning to stay in this man's life, understand that you're marrying him AND his daughter.
Wouldn't you want him to feel that way about you and your kids? He sounds wonderful.
You have to make things clear to him that you'd like a weekend alone together once in a while...that's a-ok. BUT, if you act mad when his daughter shows up, all you've accomplished is to make daughter and him feel like you're a meanie.
A
female
reader, wonderingcat  +, writes (8 April 2009):
 I have a feeling that you are competing for attention from him here. Just a tad, maybe ;-)I also see that you are frustrated because as you said, you see her daughter has potentials to be more self reliant and independent than she is given credit for. To you, this is important, because there will be a time when her parents and siblings will be too old (or too busy) to care for her 24/7. And as she gets older, she may not want to be cared for 24/7 either.As Gina said, you need to discuss this with your boyfriend. If you approach him with this reasoning, I am sure he will agree with you that he needs to cut the umbilical cord eventually (and gradually). When that is done, you automatically would get your quality time with him, as his daughter would have gotten used to be more independent now. So now there is a win-win solution for you.Also, tell your boyfriend that her daughter's condition is not his fault at all. God created her like what she is to help other people be better persons in life. Specially those who know her. She sounds like a lovely child, and so do you (lovely person, that is)Good luck!Cat
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A
female
reader, Ginalolabridga + ♥, writes (8 April 2009):
 I can understand how you feel and i also can understand why he wants to involve his daughter into his/your life too. Both of you are part of his life and i would never ask him to choose because she is his daughter and the fact she has this problem with short term memory i can see why he is in her life 24/7 if you like, he must feel a need to do this and i can understand also how you could get a little obsessed with this.
Talking this over with him again and trying to let him see as much as you value his daughter/dad relationship because that is important in this young girl's life as well as his for future growth tell him you feel left out slightly, and whilst it is nice to share some time with them both you would rather spend most of the time you have with him whenever he can.
It is a hard one to deal with because he as a dad he will feel he has to be there for his daughter and he also should feel like this with you if he has started to slowly lose these feelings then talk it over with him sometimes that's all it takes in a loving caring manner explain how you feel and ask him where he sees you in this relationship, because it is also important he is not leaving you out or not making the time to make things between you two special too. Communication and compromise that's what it is all about have another word with him, good luck.
Gina
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