A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:To anybody who is remarried: Do you treat your spouse, who is not the mother/father of your children, as someone of equal importance (not more, just equal) to your offspring or do the always get pushed into second, third or last place? Do you change plans without consulting them, not buy them birthday gifts because sports kit and Playstation games are more important? Do you expect them to put in a full day’s work, do the housekeeping and pay half the bills, but never do anything with them in your free time because there’s always kids’ sport or other activities? Do you spend money that was put aside for something special for the two of you, like a night out or weekend away on the kids because they wanted a new toy/game/phone? Or is it just my husband that does these things to me, his (childless) second wife? If everyone does it my situation is far from unique and I am silly and naïve to expect better. Of course children’s needs must be met to the best of one’s ability, but isn’t one’s spouse important as well?And I know very well that I was aware of his situation with having kids before we married, but surely that is not an excuse, I would have thought people that remarry would appreciate someone who takes all this on and treat them well, at least.(And to anyone who says I won’t understand until I have kids – I won’t because my spouse changed his initial yes to no on the kids issue and procrastinated just long enough to make my chances of having any very slim due to my age, even if I managed to find a new partner).
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2011): Children will and should always be first but he should include you. I have to disagree with this post: :)(You need to take it god/nature's way of preferring the happy -unbroken families. Once we decided to divorce and marry at will multiple times in a society, we have matured to deal with many unconventional relations that came to existence like step daughter, step son, step mother, step father) I would guess that Mr G PREFERS love and that includes A UNIVERSAL LOVE not just for a small family tribe, that can not extend to step parents, siblings etc. If nature and Mr G wanted this why did he send Mother Teresa, she was not bonded by BLOOD she had family but it was universal. I would not underestimate the relevance or importance of any relationship role you play blood or no blood.spunky monkey
A
female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (5 July 2011):
 The kids are a PRIORITY and he has to be responsible.
But, he also has a responsibility to his relationship with YOU.
If he is defaulting a date with you for the newest game/gadget for the child (and its not a special occaision) then I would say something is not balanced.
You have to be the one that insists on balance and equality.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (5 July 2011):
 I think your husband is selfish. Yes children must come first but you shouldn't be push last either. You too deserves your quality time with your husband, you too deserves to be spoil a little by your husband, and you too should feel like you can count on your husband 100%! Just cause your the second wife does not mean you have to be oppressed and come second. There are plenty of ways your husband can work around the kids without making you feel as second in his life. Also don't let yourself get bullied out of ever becoming a mom. To be honest I feel like your husband only things on him and only him.
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A
female
reader, dearryme +, writes (5 July 2011):
I agree,you are not getting a fair deal. Its not even about coming first,last or pushed aside. You have different needs,but he should be father and husband under one roof. You are not being jealous or unreasonable. To me you are understanding and have been tolerant. You really need this sorting before it esculates.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 July 2011):
 You are not silly, but maybe naive yes. Right or wrong, children always come first .
If this is of any comfort to you, you don't need to be a step - parent for this to happen. In many families, it's the same with the first spouse.
When there's a certain budget, and Xmas comes around...normally the kid get the lion's share. And free time with your spouse ? What free time ? There are birthday parties, and school plays, and zoo trips, and sport classes, and Disney movies, and carving Halloween pumpkins , and Easter egg hunts, and pediatrician check ups and playdates and sleepovers in your "free time ".
You don't get a lot of one on one " me time " as a parent, at most you can turn these events into family outings. The differences is that the first spouse is the mother of the children,, so she won't mind, she won't feel it as a big sacrifice , in fact she will even be glad if her new laptop suddenly morphs into ... a new Playstation.
While, from your point of you, you are making sacrifices for perfect strangers.
What to say - it was a package deal, as you know..... maybe your husband is a tad overdoing it with his kids, but what you got is not THAT much different from what you 'd get from another dad. Honestly, you can talk to him and tell him you need a more balanced distribution of his time, money and attentions, but... basically you are fighting a lost battle. The details may change and improve, but the bottom line is , yes, his kids will always come first.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (5 July 2011):
 if you really want a child do not allow your spirit to be crushed.
I had thought I would just have to settle for a kitten/cat to take the place of the additional child I craved. Instead I finally had the joy of holding two more beautiful babies in my arms.
And if I had not remarried I think I would have had the courage to have one more child alone.
And if I had met and married a selfish man who had dared to say 'No' to
children I think I would stop taking contraception and just gone ahead with a baby anyway.
Why should he insist that you always be treated less fairly?
There should be Equity in a marriage, which is Fairness. Exactly equal may not work. He does need to treat you fairly. No wonder you feel oppressed in this 'workhouse'.
Getting pregant without any one's 'blessing' not have helped a marriage, but hell, if he's selfish, why shouldn't you give him a bit of his own medicine? And the joy your own child will bring you is unlimited amazing fulfilment.
It is completely unfair that he treats you like the FWB who keeps the home tidy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2011): Dear lady
Some and most of that is natural and and predictable. The bond is stronger to t he wive who have kids too from the male and it is all expected in 99 % situations. You need to take it god/nature's way of preferring the happy -unbroken families. Once we decided to divorce and marry at will multiple times in a society, we have matured to deal with many unconventional relations that came to existence like step daughter, step son, step mother, step father, biological father, non-biological father, ex wives, ex husbands, and so on. It is natural and expected that sensitivities of each relationship is different, and when we make a choice, we know that we need to deal with these complexities.
Hope i helped.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2011): I'm afraid, no matter what most people say, you will always come last to the child. And it's not just step-parenting. There are many marriages that fail because once mummy has her baby(ies), daddy is pushed aside. That's why some of us are considered selfish for not wanting kids. We want to spend time with our partner and have a fantastic life spending together and making each other feel precious and important and all that.
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