A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been in quite a fix and can't think straight. I'm a male in my early 20's. Indian origin. I moved away for college. First year end, we start seeing each other. We got serious and decided to work out things long distance. We get to spend at least 3 months together until now. I love her, she loves me back (I think). Things are going to get even more complicated now. She is going to go away for master's degree and I have to start working and can't go stay with her for another 3 years at least. So we are going to have to maintain long distance the whole time (Different countries). We might get to spend, at the most, a couple of weeks together in a year. Sometimes, her attitude annoys me majorly. I wish she was not like that and also wonder how I'd be able to spend a lifetime with her if she was that way. (Talking about spending a lifetime, in another 3 or 4 years, I'll be pressurized by family to get married and if I'm still with her then, we'd get married. We've talked about it. She sounds excited, I fake it too (I think). Given a choice, I would not want to marry, but social norms dictate I get married or be a total outcast. The other option is arranged marriage, where I marry the girl my parents find for me. I'm not too excited). I fear that if we got married and we had fights later on, and then had to split, it would be terrible. I don't want to make a mistake that huge. I don't want to be one of those divorced guys. Either I get married and stay happy or not marry at all. Fuck society. Right now, I just want to break up. But I know why I'm stalling. 1. My life would be dramatically different. I think it would become so empty without her. The things that have kept me going in the last few years, they would be gone. I wouldn't have anything to look forward to. 2. My family and friends, all of them know about how serious we are and how long we've known each other (11 years now, I had a crush on her back in 7th grade). I don't want to be single again. They were all so confident that we'd make it. I don't want to disappoint them. 3. I'd miss her terribly. I'm the submissive one in the relationship. Every time we fight, I'm the one who apologizes. If it's my fault, it takes days to get back to normal. If it's her fault, I go and say something stupid and turn the whole thing on myself. Again, it takes days for her to forgive me and for things to get back to normal. These days in the horrible, I go through so much mental trauma. I feel I'm the only one trying to make this relationship work. She's aloof and behaves as if she can break our relationship at any point and be okay with it. I find myself being more emotional. She's highly insensitive (I'm not a fag). Sometimes she goes overboard. And worst of all, she doesn't regret saying those horrible things and I forget about them completely until we fight again. She has this guy obsessing with her. She doesn't tell him off. She still maintains contact with him (calls everyday) and tells me he is just a good friend. He most definitely is not. I was still totally okay with her being in touch with him. But, I just found out recently, she went out with him and lied to me about it (I had to find out from her mom's mouth). That day, we had a big fight, about why she'd lied to me. I'm sure I would have been okay with it if she'd told me she was going to go see him. She yelled at me about how she doesn't have to tell me everything and turned the whole thing around on me after I said something else about doing the same thing after marriage. I had to beg her to forgive me for 2 days after that. I don't know why I did that. I trust her though, and know she wouldn't cheat on me. We had a fight again today because I had to go help out a family member and leave her hanging for a bit. I apologized enough and she told me how she understands how it was unavoidable. She's still not talking to me. And I'm going through too much torture to just stay shut.Background: I met her in 6th grade. Had a crush on her from 7th till 9th grade. Then moved away. Saw her again when in college and old feelings came back. I love her so much.But I don't know if it's best for me to go on with this relationship. When we fight, I go through hell. The future, sometimes it's awesome to picture myself with her, raising kids, taking vacations. But realistically, even while we're in a relationship, we've had so many fights, disagreements. I don't know how bad things will be once we get married. If I know marriage is not going to work out with her, I'd much rather break it off now.I need someone to tell me, what to do. I'm sick and tired of my own thoughts. I need fresh perspective.
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crush, divorce, long distance Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (9 June 2010):
 From the way you describe her attitude and behavior, I have to tell it does not sound promising at all. I could see you marrying her and within a few months regretting it bitterly.
One question: would she be willing to get nto therapy to try and work on her issues? If not, how about YOU finding a good therapist/counselor you could feel comfortable with while you explore your own conflicted feelings and get support in the process......
You have known her 11 years and its only natural that if you do break up with her its going to be rough going for a time. Pleasant or unpleasant, she's been an important part of your life for years.......
Is there a possibility of your meeting and dating other women? Would this be acceptable to your parents, so long as you meet someone you could be happy with?
Finally, long-distance relationships CAN work, but not easily. Especially not with the kind of separation that is about to occur between you.......
Hope this helps, at least somewhat.
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