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IS it crazy for me to try to work things out with my ex?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Long distance, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 March 2014) 8 Answers - (Newest, 24 March 2014)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I broke up with my bf last November after being together for 2 years. We're both in our mid 30's and were in somewhat of a long distance relationship causing us to only see each other on the weekend. The main reasons for the breakup was that we were arguing all the time and that he was in no hurry to get his life together (still lived with his parents, went back to school but dropped out, changed career but always had an excuse to delay him finding a real job). Meanwhile, I have a career, a beautiful apartment, a desire to travel and eventually have a family. So I left him after a huge, immature argument.

We talked since and we decided to try to work things out. He's actively looking for a job in my area and wants to move in with me when he finds one. He wants to get it together so he can be with me. I agreed to that but inside I'm really scared. Idk if I'm ready to live wih him and things will go. I still have my doubts. Part of me thinks that at least this way we will know for sure if we're compatible but another part is scared of the consequences for him if it doesn't work out (he will have to get his own place or leave the job).

I'm turning 35 this year so I don't have all the time in the world either.

Do you think it's crazy for me to embark on this now with our history? It reminds me of couples who think that having a baby will solve their relationship issues.

View related questions: broke up, immature, long distance, my ex

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A male reader, Serpico United States +, writes (24 March 2014):

Sorry, but if you don't have your shit together by your mid-30s, you never will. People are who they are and typically this does not change.

In relationships, there is give and take. In some, that means one is the financial powerhouse and the other takes up the slack in other areas. When one takes all the time that typically leads to problems. Knowing that he will never be financially more stable than you, does he bring other things to the table that make up for that?

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A female reader, Aunty Babbit United Kingdom +, writes (23 March 2014):

Aunty Babbit agony auntDear OP, thank you for your update.

I hope you're OK. For what it's worth, I think you acted sensibly and responsibly in telling this guy how you feel and his response was less than immature.

You come across as a caring person who has tried very hard in this relationship.

I hope things work out for you.

AB xx

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2014):

Thanks everyone for giving me your opinion (I'm the original poster). Some made me smile :). I had a talk with him yesterday. I told him that I was scared and wasn't sure if moving in together at this point was a good idea because of not having resolved our issues (mostly communication) and I feel like he's getting a job because i asked him to and not for himself. He got upset, made it sound like I lead him on and implied that he's not sure if I love him. Essentially, it turned into an argument and a break up. He looked so sad, it broke my heart but I didn't know what to say. Later on on FB I told him that maybe he should get the job he interviewed for if offered, regardless of us. His response wasn't very nice. He emailed later bc he regretted his words. It's always like this. We can never talk because we just disagree on everything.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2014):

OP the alarm bells are ringing in your head already. I mean your last sentence says it all.

You know for a fact that him just finding a job and moving in with you is going to solve nothing because it's not him getting his life together, it's him taking the easy way out again. Literally doing the bare minimum and not doing it to actually have a life, just doing it to appease you.

Not only that but his attitude to life will remain the same, the reasons you argued will still remain because at heart of all this is the guy he is and that guy is just not compatible with you because he has no drive or ambition to do anything with his life.

OP you have dreams, desires, a career an apartment, a wish to travel and probably a wish to just go places and do fun things. He's happy sitting on his ass all day doing nothing and having mommy wipe his arse for him. You'll just become his new mommy and have to do the same things for him because even now he's not doing any of these things for himself and most likely wouldn't either unless he had the easy option of moving in with you.

I think you're letting your age make you think settling is worth it here, because honestly OP you know you are settling here. You're panicking because of your biological clock and trying to convince yourself that him moving in will change him into a worthy partner and potential father.

Also OP, your decision to work things out is being done in the wrong order. I'm not a person for ever going back to an ex, in my mind if it didn't work the first time, it's just not going to, especially after two years. If I was to somehow consider going back to an ex it would only be under the strict condition that all the things we broke up for are worked out and completely resolved before we make that attempt, because I've enough experience to know once you are with someone your tolerance for bullshit becomes a lot looser as you struggle to make it work on principle.

OP in your case I wouldn't, but if I was going to. If you are set on making this work then he needs to prove himself to you before you get back together. So he needs to become a successful independent adult with his own place, a stable career and a life to share with you. You're right, this is like those people who think having a baby will suddenly fix things. Because you seem to be convinced the arguments were caused by his circumstances and if they change then you'll be fine. That's not the case. Your arguments were fuelled by the fact he's a guy happy just to float through life and have no responsibilities. That doesn't make him a bad person of course but it does make him incompatible with you, OP.

You know him better than any of us and you know perfectly well that hoping him getting a job and moving with you will change the very personality of this guy from free-loading floater to stable go-getter is the height of wishful thinking.

Let him get his job, but put the idea of moving together completely out of the equation and see how eager he is to follow through. I bet you my house his motivation to try again will completely disappear once he sees he actually has to become independent first and make no mistake, OP, you need him to be the type of guy who is successful while independent to be compatible with you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2014):

Allow him to get his life in order and get his own place.

Get on with your life, and get this nonsense out of your head.

Is the penis that good?

I'm sure you can find one attached to a loving guy with a job, his own apartment,and at least a couple of years of college; or a trade-school degree under his belt. You want to build a future, not tear down what you've already built.

Time for your lecture. Here we go.

It could only be that his parents are pressuring him to move out, and you're his only convenient alternative.

The most common mistake many women make; is trying to FIX some wayward guy. Some lost cause. It isn't your job to reset the life of some man in his mid-30's; who hasn't yet got his life together. All you've got to go on is a lot of promises and no evidence. None at all. If you don't believe me, ask your mother and father. I'd bet you my bank account they'd agree with me!

"If I promise to do better, can I move in?"

Seriously?!!!

As if recycling exes isn't bad enough? Once you get the common-sense to kick some loser to the curb; you don't go searching for excuses to second-guess a good decision.

Nothing has changed. He has not completed his education and he doesn't have a steady job. Shouldn't he already have that?

Are you worried because you're approaching middle age and you think you should have a man? Are you letting your age dictate that you must have a man in your life no matter what? Do you have to settle for an under-educated guy in his 30's still living off his parents?

Lowering your standards, is only setting yourself up for a train-wreck down the road. You've got two years of history to look back on. All in confirmation of his consistency in being a slacker. Oh, don't forget arguments, bickering, and pushing a load of bricks up a steep hill.

You'll have even more horrible arguments; and you will say terrible things to him. The man suffers from arrested development. He is still a child. Lacks ambition, and feels other people should support him. While he contributes nothing.

You've been with this guy two years? Now that's crazy!

You're an intelligent woman who has done well for herself.

Don't pretend you don't know any better.

Girlfriend, please!!!

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A female reader, Aunty Babbit United Kingdom +, writes (20 March 2014):

Aunty Babbit agony auntI can see why you two argued.

I don't think your original argument was immature, the points raised were reasonable given your ages and the point you were at in your relationship.

What you need to know is where you both stand on these issues now and what compromises or resolutions can be found.

You have grown up and have got your life together and know what you would like to see happening in your future.

He, on the other hand, was stagnating, seemed reluctant to grow up, take responsibility and think of the future.

It's good that you're both talking but it seems to me that all the benefits, in getting back together, are for him, not you. He's looking for work in the area that you live and wants to move in with you!

I think this is great for him, not to mention convenient and no doubt cost effective, but is it great for you?

This whole relationship being restarted is all about him, what he wants and needs.

You want more. You want the fairy-tale, and there's nothing wrong with that, but does he see children and maybe marriage in your futures?

Even if he does I think he needs to prove himself to you.

He first needs to secure a job and a place of his own. He MUST be sure that he can give you what you want on an emotional as well as contribute on a financial level.

You also need to decide if you feel the same way about him, do you still love him, are you "in love" with him, is he what you really want.

I think you should both take things slow, go out on dates and learn to enjoy each others company again. Keep talking and do not hide from the issues and concerns that caused you to break up.

Only when you both have a clear idea of what you want for the future can you make a decision about your relationship.

It's possible that you have both grown further apart since the split and don't fit together anymore. Only time will tell.

I hope this helps and wish you well AB x

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (20 March 2014):

So_Very_Confused agony auntI think that for the short term he should find a place to live Near you when he gets a job...since you are not sure you want to live with him yet and he has a history of not being mature and responsible.

It's hard to go from LDR to local and NOT live together since ONE of you have a place already why should the other guy get a place... but he doesn't have to buy or take a long lease... he can find a room to rent from someone for 6 months and see how it goes...

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A female reader, sugarplum786 South Africa +, writes (20 March 2014):

sugarplum786 agony auntHe should first get his act together and show that he is prepared to take responsibility for himself. If he moves in with you, the next time you will here complaining how lazy he is and sponges off you. You sound like an independent person and I doubt you will be happy to find out that he does not have the same drive as you - seems there is compatibility issue and you are settling because of your age - which you perceive as a problem.

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