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Is it bad that a boyfriend asks her girlfriend to cook?

Tagged as: Crushes, Teenage, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (24 May 2012) 6 Answers - (Newest, 24 May 2012)
A male United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I have a problem. I have a girlfriend of 2 years and 5 months and you see, she has a friend who has a boyfriend. Well I use to have a crush on her and now that I see her with him...it gets me jealous. I mean she let's me be 'Me' compared to my girlfriend. I can say jokes that my girlfriend won't laugh to but her friend does. I even ask my girlfriend if she would do several things for me and she said "I'm not your mom, I'm trying to teach you independence" Then she gets mad because I think she doesn't consider my needs/wants and that I think she doesn't "take care" of me. I ask for simple things and she makes it seem like if it's a big feminist deal for most of simple favors!!! I ask her for hold something and she even has the odacity to grunt when she complies when I'm forced to hold her purse. I see her friend do things for her boyfriend like cook, be spontaneous, and more willing to do things for her boyfriend than my girlfriend. I do my best to do things for girlfriend but it seems my girlfriend cares more about some kinda moral or idea of hers than my general happiness. Is it bad that a boyfriend asks her girlfriend to cook...or do some things for her??? Do I just want my girlfriend's friend cuz of what she's willing to do for her b.f?

View related questions: crush, has a boyfriend, jealous

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (24 May 2012):

chigirl agony auntI don't think you can expect things, like her cooking. But you can be happy if it happens, and show appreciation when it happens. You can also say that you like "wifey" girlfriends who do this sort of thing. Or wait and see if maybe this will come in time, most of this "wifey" stuff comes in time. But to demand it, or expect it, wont work. It needs to be something she naturally does, or it wont work. If you are attracted to women who are different from your girlfriend, then maybe your girlfriend isn't for you. I think you're looking at her friend just because you see the differences so well in her, between what you want in a relationship and what you currently have.

I don't think her friend can necessarily give you the sort of relationship you need. The friend can be nice and all to her boyfriend, but could be completely different in a relationship with you. So I don't think it's about her, it's more about the way she treats her boyfriend, and you want a girlfriend who is more like that in that respect.

There are "wifey" girls out there who love to cook for their man. Look for the more traditional women. Then there are "modern" girls who never cook. Then there are ego-trips who want their partner to do everything for them while they never do anything in return..

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (24 May 2012):

CindyCares agony aunt And why do you normally ask " favours " , at your age ?? 18-21 , I bet you are strong and healthy , you can do stuff for yourself and by himself, and you should WANT to be able taking care of yourself !

I mean , of course, exceptionally, in a particular situation, it's ok asking help, if you need it. But that you routinely expect to be babied , coddled and danced attendance around, by your gf,...she is your GF, not your mom ! In fact, you know what ?, don't be so needy and demanding even with your mom either ! There's nothing more annoying and less masculine , of a man whose most frequent word are " can you give me.... can you bring me... can you pass me...".

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (24 May 2012):

Honeypie agony auntI think you have TOTALLY unrealistic view of what a GF should "do" for her BF. And to be honest I applaud her statement :

"I'm not your mom, I'm trying to teach you independence"

If you want a "Susie Homemaker" then yes, you current GF is all wrong for you. But I think you are making the other girl into some fictional character who is the "perfect" GF. And honey, I bet you she isn't. So stop comparing them.

I think maybe your relationship have run it's course and you are looking for either a replacement or a way out.

Do you cook for your GF? Do you laugh at her good/bad jokes? Do you "do" things for her?

This is 2012 and the more "traditional" roles are really blurred. So I have to say that YES, I do think it's WRONG to expect her to cook for you because she is a girl and you are not.

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A male reader, Serpico United States +, writes (24 May 2012):

For starters, its seems that you are looking for something that your current gf will not give you. You need to decide for yourself how important that is to you.

Regarding cooking specifically, no, it is not "wrong," nor is it "right." Each relationship has particular dynamics to make each partner comfortable. Me, Im 44 and getting married for the first time next year. It was by choice - I knew exactly what I wanted and waited for it. Im an old school guy. I like the traditional male-female roles, and I wanted a woman who wanted the same. Its not for everyone but its for me. You need to find what it is YOU need, and dont settle for less.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2012):

There is a compatibility problem that i see here. neither are your expectations wrong and nor are her "views" wrong. it is just that they both don't match!

her way of caring is probably by making you capable of helping yourself ..that's her view point and she is stuck to it. she might have been brought up that way.while you are expecting a more maternal partner.sometimes its not that you don't want to do things by yourself ,just that her doing it would feel nice and special.

like starlights said,its unfair to compare them both.i certainly think she loves you. but her way of showing it does not make you happy.For all you know this other girl's boyfriend must be having problems because she is too girly and clingy.The grass is always greener on the other side.

probably instead of cribbing or whining to her /comlaining (if you were doing that) you could try being a little sweet while asking her for things, maybe give a naughty smile while asking..my bf does that all the time and it always melts my heart like ice cream in the oven! it might sound dumb but makes a whole lotta difference..and maybe compliment her when she does something good,acknowledge.generally girls like doing things for their loved ones. with one condition that they are not ordered around,made to run around ,hurried or told in an authoritative tone.

but then, if you are already acting according to the above rules and she is still not doing things for you,then i guess you must leave her..for both of you to find a compatible partner.

there are some men who are independent and dismiss things as "treating them like a baby"..who don't want anybody mothering over them.it really depends on the upbringing as well as the nature of the person.

But on a larger general scale..most men like to be cared for and most women like to do little things for the male partner.

there is nothing wrong in it..its not backward ..in fact a true feminist should try to preserve femininity . Feminist doesn't mean that a woman becomes a man. She should try to understand that each has their role,and a certain importance attached to it.Can a girl start to say "why should i carry babies that's not fair"..despite all the equality..there are certain things which give a good feeling when done ,for a girl .like cooking for your bf once in while..

maybe your problem is not that she isn't working for you.

maybe your problem is that she doesn't try to make you feel special!

do you try in your ways to make her feel special??are you burdening her with the male jobs..some women..when loaded with things that a man should do,tend to develop a rude attitude,when asked to do motherly tasks ,a way of venting their dislike towards what is forced upon them..!

this is just some food for thought.

if you are treating her well ,fulfilling her expectations..but not getting back what you want. then its time to sit down,speak your heart out..see what she has to say..give her a chance to change..(maybe its just her thinking and she loves you after all )

And if she still has the same attitude, then you guys will have to break up to find happier times with someone who is compatible.

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A female reader, Starlights United Kingdom +, writes (24 May 2012):

Starlights agony auntSounds like your girlfriend has an *attitude* problem with you.

Why are you with her if she makes you unhappy?

Its got nothing to do with her friend why you feel unhappy, (she's an excuse to focus on) this is all about your relationship with your girlfriend.

This other girl isnt *perfect* i can assure you she would have *flaws* too, its human.

You comparing your girlfriend to this girl isnt fair either.

Maybe subconciously your gf picks your feelings up thats why she acts so horrible to you.

There is nothing wrong with a gf cooking for bf or vice versa, however the issue here is :

you and your gf have a communication problem, and lack of love for one another.

If you dont love your gf then do yourself a favour and cut ties, instead of fixating on her friend.

However if you do love your gf (which sounds unlikely), you can explain that sometimes her harsh attitude makes you feel unloved.... if this doesnt work, cut ties.

Your gf is obviously as unhappy as you are.

Goodluck

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