A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I invited boyfriend of 2 years to stop by my family's thanksgiving dinner in the city when he was done with his family in the suburbs. He is a 35 minute drive away. In the morning when I first mentioned it, he said he would probably have too much wine during dinner and not make it. I kind of understood this. Then he tells me his buddy is coming to thanksgiving bc his GF didn't invite him to her family's. That afternoon, I pop into his family's dinner to say hello on my way home from work to my family's celebration. When I get to my families house, I text again and ask him to come into the city when he's done. He text me back that he was driving his buddy home and "thinks he will go home "2 hours go by and no word. I call him at 11p be answers. And guess where he is? Drinking in the city with his buddy - right near my family's celebration ! So he refused twice to make the drive for me and then does for him??I am so angry and hurt and basically now view this as a guy who is not serious about me and not serious about a future with me, since he blew off my invitation to see my family and I on a holiday.Instead he preferred to drink with a buddy. Am I wrong?
View related questions:
text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2015): I'm very sorry how things turned-out. It's a new year. Ending one chapter in your life, begins a new one.
You've been down this road before. Make the best of the New Year. Now its about you and healing.
My best to you!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell thats it. I ended it. He went away for Christmas to see family and was supposed to be home so we could spend NYE together. I told him how important it was to me to be with your partner at the holidays. Well he "missed his bus" and therefore his flight and is now staying in a beach party town in south America for NYE.
Done
I ended it despite his protests of "I will make you a priority. I will".
Thank you for all your advice.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2014): Your post reads like you're fed-up with this guy. He suggests couples counseling; but turns around and ditches you on Thanksgiving, to go out for a drink with his buddy.
Maybe you're right about walking away. You broke up with him twice? It appears the third sequel is no different than the first two. You don't seem any happier.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@WiseOwlE. You are right. I am trying to change a 45 year old man but he agrees he wants to change too. I've broken up with him twice before saying "we are not on the same page" and he convinces me he wants to be "better" and make me happy. Last time, we started couple's therapy. That was 6 weeks ago. It was his suggestion.
I am lost. If I was watching a movie and saw myself , I'd be yelling at the screen for me to walk away.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2014): Do you want a marriage and kids with a guy who drinks every single weekend? Maybe he doesn't really want marriage and a family, but tells you what you want to hear. Are you trying to change his ways? He's a 45 year-old man!
Getting out with his friend on weekends doesn't sound like a problem. Seems you want more of a homebody, and a family-man. A guy should be pretty much settled-down by the age of 45. If he hasn't taken your relationship in that direction after two years, maybe you're both not on the same page.
I wasn't disagreeing with you that you should be upset, by the way. You've added some new light to the situation,however.
He seems to be avoiding family-gatherings; maybe that's not the type of guy that he really is. He doesn't want to pretend he's your husband; spending holidays and sharing meals with your family like a married-couple. Maybe that's a red-flag. Do your folks bring-up talk about marriage a lot? Giving him a lot of hints?
Thanksgiving with your family is like having dinner with the in-laws. He isn't keen on that kind of setting, it seems. He'd rather be at the pub throwing-back pints.
As far as marriage and a family, maybe that means you might be with the wrong kind of guy.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 December 2014):
 At your age after 2 years, unless you are happy with a relationship where you are a second class citizen and its not going to improve I would say it's time to end it.
If he was serious there would not be the separation of him to his family and you to yours.
After 2 years he's just biding his time till something better comes along.
IF you want marriage and children, this guy is NOT your man.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe background of this relationship is that he goes out every single weekend with this guy and drinks. He is 45. I have told him how I feel about this and that I am looking for marriage and kids. He says that's what he wants too but spending thanksgiving without me doesn't seem
To indicate he's on the same page
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2014): You have a right to be angry and a little put-off. However; his friend needed a friend, and you had your family with you.
You can make a big deal out of it, but really; what benefit comes of that? It's his holiday to do with it as he chooses and spend it with whom he chooses. His friend was alone on Thanksgiving, and he felt some obligation to be there for him. He warned you he might be too tipsy to be around your folks. That's respectful. Even if he was having a drink. He was being a friend. Had he showed up drunk, you'd be a different kind of mad at him. You would have scolded him, and he just avoided a holiday fight.
I might not be popular for this opinion, but I try to be understanding to my partner. I don't constantly measure my partner's loyalties to me. I had a loving partner for 28 years, who died of cancer, and I'm presently dating someone. I don't expect "obedience" or "snap-to-it" behavior to prove I'm his top priority. I rely on how I'm treated overall. His respect. Sometimes I step-back, and allow them space and breathing-room. At the end of the day, they always come home to me.
Sometimes he doesn't have to go out of his way constantly proving how much I mean to him, sometimes I just know it. I also know when to leave things alone; even if they upset me, to avoid an unnecessary riff in my relationships.
It wasn't acceptable to reject your invitation, but it was for a noble cause. He stood by a buddy who might have needed a friend. I know he knew in the back of his mind you'd be upset with him. Let it pass.
...............................
|
