A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my bf for 1 month - we had been dating for quite a while and I have known him JUST as a friend for over a year before we became an item and before we ever had sex. We had unprotected sex after getting a bit too drunk together - it was not meant to happen either...the next day, I thought omg what did we just do...and was hungover but he withdrew from me and most of his stuff came outside - I felt just a trickle of his stuff from what I can remember. It was also just a once-off incident cos I told him I wanted to take things slow and get to know each other properly. Anyway I am on day 28 of my cycle and had a light brown discharge - spotting which I assumed was implantation bleeding as it was WAY too light. Last night I TOTALLY freaked out in fear over it. I contacted him but he got really strange with me and now I don't know if my relationship can even recover from his reaction to my prob?? He said think what you are saying to me..if you are not pregnant - then this is character defamation!? I was like what?...no it isnt. I am just scared. Try and understand from my point of view. I had asked him should I go on a contraceptive before all this and he said up to you..like as if he was okay if something happened or not. I got off the phone promptly as he upset me by saying that and I was totally perplexed as to what on earth made him say that to me. He sent me the following txt message after hanging up the phone regarding possible pregnancy. Cool well if you are as per USA - see you in 12 months friend unless you will accept a doctor and legal intervention if I'm a dad. I want to know now and the results of today will be definitive.I agreed in my head that yep WE both should know AND NOW so I did a test and it came back NOT PREGNANT - so I told him then immediately - panic over, I said it says negative..will retest in 4 days time in case if still no period. No reply. I haven't had sex with anyone else so I am not worried as to who the dad is going to be if I do happen to be pregnant so his legal threat had no effect or didn't make me worried at all - just made me REALLY sad and I suddenly felt used, deceived and kind of cheap. He is also now not speaking to me AT ALL as I think he must have had a bad experience like this in the past in the US with another lady. But that does not excuse his behaviour with me, he knows the crap I have had previously. I am a single mother. I was so upset by his txt that I searched high and low in my flat for a pee tester to check for pregnancy right after he sent that. I THANKFULLY found a spare tester so did a test...I didn't reply to him - just ignored the txt message but felt gutted and devastated. In my flap, I wrote to him I dont know what you are thinking but I have never trapped a man. I am just REALLY scared. I got a false negative result when I conceived this baby. I am human. I panicked. Am super fertile and off birth control due to the painkillers they have given me for having this baby...I had a baby a while ago. I got a false negative when I fell pregnant a year ago...so it was only natural I got myself into a fit of fear.Now I am worried I have possibly killed a budding relationship over my own silly fears. I dont feel his reaction was supportive though he tried to make out that he would be happy if he was to be a dad yet nowhere until 12 months later - well that is my understanding of that txt? I have had miscarriages in the past so not sure what exactly is going on with my body :( I think I have my period today but what is so disturbing is its way too light. I think I should go to a doctor to confirm and stuff but I guess mentally I can't seem to stomach the possibility of being told I might be :(( And the tester told me negative so don't want to waste money on a doctor if its simply a delayed period since I have a young infant to care for and feed. If this is not a period then I am one day late. Sorry to rant - I just don't feel I am thinking straight - is this guy using me? what am I missing here? he is totally ignoring me now but I guess its cos I have shocked him into submission not meaning to do so. I sent him a message earlier this morn saying - sorry - I am just scared. I dont want this to spoil whatever we have got. No reply. Then sent him another txt: I have only had sex with you anyway so if you simply need a resassurance about being a dad I am ok with that. No reply. :( I just dont get it he dotes over my baby at the mo so why is he being so nasty when he knows the heartache I have been through previously?.. I am being fair and honest with the guy so why is he now gone into hiding??? He has never had kids..he had one near miss..but that is all. I never cheat the guy I am with and I am SO SO FED UP of men out there thinking that women just cos they look attractive prob cheat them all the time. Its like as if as soon as you fall pregnant they want DNA nowadays and I even said OK to him about that...and no reply. WOW. Its not in my nature to cheat - never has and never will be. He never accused me of it but I got that feeling from 1 txt - am I over-reacting here? I had to have this baby alone so yeah I just sunk into a mini-depression last night. I guess he mustn't really like me and I just need to come to terms with it now but I am at a loss to understand his behaviour. What gives?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes sadly I totally agree with your response - thank you. The reason I have been taking it extra slow with him was to stop him from being jerk-like with me. As for him sleeping around in the past after getting drunk maybe..my inclinations are that maybe some woman tried to trap him with pregnancy in the past or having a child could perhaps be a sore spot for him since he has never gotten around to having them. IDK but it totally sucks either way. What really irritates me is if I didn't like him I would not let him be around my child and start to form any type of bond with him. Thankfully babies don't have memories...my fear for the future is anyone I end up - if we break up then baby could get hurt and I don't want my baby to ever get hurt by men like this :(
I think what I have learned from this REALLY crappy experience is:
If you are involved in a sexual relationship with a man and he refers to you only as his "friend," EVEN if you have a preg scare... he could simply be using you. Whether it's purely sex he's after or just someone to occupy the time with during moments of sheer boredom, I guess I need to see that txt for what it horribly is. I have simply been relegated to "friend" status and that means that he is not interested in a serious, committed relationship with me though he told me that was what he wanted at the start hence my interest. He did insist that he had many friends, but that I am a 'special friend', I guess he said that just to pacify me :( I guess he doesn't give a crap about my heart. He is certainly not in the frame of mind to handle it with care and if you get too attached to him, your heart will most likely end up broken. My instincts must be right but yet once you do anything with a person its like as if your judgement gets clouded. His ex was a nice girl who he seriously hurt and he disrespected her when he was going out with her behind her back when I was his friend - that is why I kinda said oh no..something shouldn't have happened with him that night :(
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2010): I think your right, he has had this in the past with someone else which could mean he sleeps arround after getting drunk.
However the guy sounds like a total jerk and to be blunt your probably better off without him as a lover.
If he loved you one bit he would support you a lot more.
I think even if you stay with him and patch things up you will end up regretting it down the line later on.
Not all guys are jerks you just need to keep looking and find someone who appreciates you more for the person you are.
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