A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello I married a man from Africa and I am Canadian. We have been together for 11 months and I am trying to get him to Canada. He has been good to me but very dominant and expects I be submissive and do whatever he says to me. If I don’t he gets very mad quickly! He expects me to do a lot for him including money. He is having his bday soon and expects $ 1,000 for entertaining his friends for his birthday. This is extreme to me. I told him in Canada we don’t do those things. He said in Africa it’s a huge celebration. Another thing that bothers me is his female friends. He has so many and he has had sex with all of them in the past and talks to them daily. He assured me nothing is happening between them and their merely just friends. He tells me daily he loves me and wants to have a good life with me and he is very affectionate when we’re together. I do love him a lot with all my heart. My friends say it’s possible he’s setting me up to come to Canada and leave me and bring a Nigerian girlfriend here. I don’t think he would do that to me. I have asked him about that and he swears he loves me so much I have met his family too. All his male friends. Do you think there’s a possibility he is using me?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (2 February 2018):
 I am sorry that you have fallen for his charm. But I hope you learn from this. Online dating is very risky because off this. Unfortunately not everyone in the world is lovely and honest, so you need to have your guard up online. It is just sad that it did not grow suspicion in you when he began asking for money. At least you can see what he is doing now. Time to end things with him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2018): I am one of the people who responded to your request for help.
It seems as though you are finally seeing that this man has taken advantage of your naivety. Charming people - you said he was charming - are often charming because they WANT something from others - it is a very long established way for people to ingratiate themselves to others, so as to benefit from knowing them.
YOU must remember that you went into the situation innocently and with love in your heart. But please, please go and get some professional help with overcoming this, so that your precious heart doesn't get hurt again. Try to see a counsellor / therapist for help in processing what has happened to you - you need to make sure it doesn't happen again, but also make sure that you don't become so untrusting of people that you end up isolated and unable to love.
At the same time, see a lawyer to get an annulment. You went online to meet him and you went online to get help from us - so you can also go online and do lots of research into things like "how to deal with a manipulative person" and "how to know when a man is sincere or when he is using you" - there's tonnes of stuff online that can help you to grow your awareness.
I really wish you all the best for your future !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2018): Hello I am the OPThank you all for your advice. To answer some questions, we met online. We spoke for 7 months before meeting. We spoke as much as we possibly could and we video cammed. He was the most charming man I ever spoke to. He really made me feel loved and special. I guess he had his reasons to do so. He began asking for money at first small amounts. I wanted to help so I sent him money. The amounts became larger as he mentioned he takes care of himself and his family. I understand a lot of countries are that way they do take care of their families. So I didn’t mind helping someone in need of food and money. However, I began realizing that when I said no to him his personality changed drastically. He became angry. He made me feel like I don’t care if he’s eating or not he made me feel guilty saying his stomach was empty and he felt sick from no food. There were times I would send him 1,000 per month. I kept asking him don’t people down there barely make that kind of money and what do you do with all this money I am sending? He would say it’s for him and his family so they all had food and new clothes. When I went there he asked me to bring him and iPhone 7 which I did and also a gold chain. I asked why he needed this and he said his cell was old and doesn’t work too well anymore. The gold chain he said was for making him look rich because I am white. He is 10 years younger than I. Which I hadn’t known until we got serious about each other. He lead me to believe he was my age. I never thought to twice about it. I believed that most people are like myself and that is honest. I went to Africa to meet him, his friends, his family. They all treated me with respect and were very kind to me. I didn’t meet any of his female friends but they kept in contact through social media when I was there. Some asking for money. Some asking when they can have some of his time. Iknow this cause he laid next to me in bed and I seen what he wrote back to them. When I asked him about it he said they’re just school mates from when he attended school. I later found out they were his ex girlfriends. Now currently I don’t give him any money. He has requested he needs 1K for his bday party to buy goats and drinks for everyone. I told him it’s unfair to me to have to buy you and all your friends that. He is very persistent. Even though I have said no so many times he keeps asking. He says he has an image there that he’s rich and would like to continue to have that image. Everyone who posted he is using me I believe their correct. I seen the signs but love can be blind as well. I did fall in love with him and wanted to spend my life with this man. He always told me how much he loves me and wants to be with me. When you fall in love with someone you don’t want to think the worst, you want to assume their feelings are genuine and he’s being sincere. Now my rose coloured glasses are off and I realize I don’t have to give him any money....
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (23 January 2018):
I would love to know why you felt the need to marry him? My guess is so that he can get a visa for Canada? Did that not raise suspicion that he could be using you? Either way I think you need to contact a lawyer and hopefully learn from this mistake. Marriage is sacred and should be treated that way. Only marry someone if it is for legit reasons.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2018): I am a Nigerian, my dear run for your dear life
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (22 January 2018):
 I have to ask, HOW did you two meet?
Online?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2018): He is USING you. He is a liar, a con artist, a womanizer, a scammer, manipulator and an abuser. I could go on.But that's more than enough to tell you to get the hell out of this "marriage."Start by ceasing all contact with him and anyone linked to him. And see a lawyer to get this mistake annulled pronto!!!Protect yourself and your assets. If you don't, nobody else will. I am 100 per cent certain that he has tried this act out on other women and finally found someone who bit. The sort of woman who is led by her heart and believes in fairytales. These types of women are the ones who are always hurt the most. Sorry this has happened to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2018): WiseOwlE is correct - you've been scammed. And this has happened to you either because you lack real life experience of how romantic relationships should be, or because you were (possibly due to low self esteem or previous background in which you were expected to be totally compliant and submissive) desperate to feel loved.I'm sorry to drive this home to you but YOU ARE FOOLING YOURSELF !!! WAKE UP!!! Go and get some counselling to figure out how you got yourself into this mess. do NOT allow this person to get into your country. Get legal advice immediately to get an annulment. You have been incredibly naive. ALL of the signs are there right in front of you, that this man is only interested in using you to get to Canada and to get as much money as possible. You are refusing to read the signs. Maybe, if you are a kind of selfless person, think of it this way: by continuing to assist this person, you are enabling criminal, corrupt behaviour that will undoubtedly hurt other people, in the long run, if he gets into your country. His domination won't stop with angry words to you, it will proceed to beatings and complete control of your life and finances. And yes, once he is a legal citizen in your country, he will be bringing the "friends" - ie. his female harem - over, using your money. People who get involved in this kind of scamming are usually also involved in other corruptions eg. drug trafficking, even people trafficking - think of the harm that could be done to the other victims of this, and think of what harm could come to any children you - or he with his 'friends' - may have, if you continue to ENABLE his criminal behaviour.WAKE UP, GET LEGAL HELP, GET COUNSELLING AND GET AN ANNULMENT !
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (21 January 2018):
 You married a stranger. Stupid move.Paying to get him to Canada. Ridiculous idea.Believing lies that are obviously not real facts. Naive.OP, why? You're old enough to know better. Why did you marry a stranger who is a controlling person and wants YOU to pay for so much?!He will ruin your life if you don't divorce him BEFORE he moves to Canada.You DON'T trust him and you SHOULDN'T trust him. He is lying to you and convincing you to pay lots of money, so he can do things for FREE.He will move to Canada, drain your finances and LEAVE YOU.I know you must have been lonely and naive to marry him, but you have to stop this NOW. He doesn't love you. He wants your MONEY.I'm sorry for the bluntness, OP, but you need a REALITY CHECK!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (21 January 2018):
 Isn't it funny how a story can change completely when you omit a few relevant facts? Your first post only mentioned your concern about the female friends, nothing about you living apart, etc. Is there anything else you have not bothered to mention that you will mention in a further post to change the whole situation around again?
I can't believe you are even needing to ask if you are being scammed. You are old enough (and sound intelligent enough) to know this is indeed what is happening. Listen to your friends. They have your best interests at heart. Don't be so desperate to find love that you are willing to buy it because that sort of love is not real. The aggressive controlling behaviour is typical of scammers to keep their victims under control. Wake up before you have no money left and end up looking like a complete fool.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 January 2018):
 You bet there's a possibility ! It's almost a certainty.
Yeah right. " Birthdays are a big deal in Nigeria and it is customary to celebrate them by spending $ 1000 " . Uh very believable. If you think that in Nigeria minimim wage is 90 $ monthly, the average income is about 2500 $ per YEAR and a " good job " like college professor will get you 500/600 $ monthly . It's not the kind of place where it's normal to spend 1000 for entertaining. But, regardless- even if it were normal - why in the world YOU would have to pay ?
Well, at least we 've got to admire his nerve and confidence. Another scrounger would probably have told you some sob story with an ailing grandmother who needs an urgent ,costly operation.... yours at least is shamefacedly saying " Hey b...., I am having fun and YOU are gonna pay, and that's the way it's gonna be ".
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (21 January 2018):
 If you truly trusted your husband you wouldn't be on here asking questions about him. Deep down inside you have serious doubts and from everything that you've told us, you SHOULD be having doubts. Majority rules here, I agree with all the other aunts/uncles completely. Its highly likely that he's using you. I know it might be hard to hear what we are saying but more than likely he's going to try and bleed your bank account dry, he's probably having sex with all of his "lady friends" and if you help him get over here, he'd probably drop you like a hotcake once he got his visa.
Do yourself a huge favor and take off the rose colored glasses and start thinking like the 30's woman that you are and not some love struck teenager. Get yourself a lawyer, cut your losses. Be smart sweetie. Love shouldn't mean you lose your heart and your bank account. I wish you the best. Be smart and look out for you. Remember people will say ANYTHING to get what they want and I truly think this man wants out of Africa and will do just about anything to make that come true. Sorry!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2018): I have an idea! Get an annulment! Leave his ass in Africa!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2018): You've been suckered and scammed. Not much more to say. I am at a lost for words that anyone could be so naive.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2018): Let me make it clear. Dominant man who is expecting a submissive woman would never ask for money. He should have been supporting you financially too if he wanted to be in control. He is using you for sure. Dump his ass and run!
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A
female
reader, mishi 1 +, writes (21 January 2018):
 Sorry to say he is using you. It’s my thinking . Since, I had bad experience.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (21 January 2018):
He probably is using you. He doesn't respect you and has proven himself to be a leach...all signs of using you. Its the same for his girlfriends...he should respect you by dropping those relationships. You says he's been good to you...it sounds like you are talking about small things.
In any case, it is time to get rid of this guy. Expecting you to be submissive, provide him with money and play second-fiddle to his girlfriends will get very old very soon if it hasn't already. I wish you hadn't married him...it is going to be more difficult but still very necessary. At least he is not living with you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 January 2018):
I'm with Ciar,
I think you are WAY to naive here. Demanding you send him $1,000 for his birthday? What does he think you are? An ATM? His mother? And more over, WHO does he think HE is? Why should YOU pay for his birthday party? He is a grown ass man, it's HIS friends he will be entertaining! He can (pardon my English here) FREAKING pay for his own party.
Yes, I think your friend is most likely SPOT on.
He is SCAMMING you, for money and for a visa to get into Canada.
Now he might actually STAY with you for a while while he BLEEDS you dry financially. At least until you have nothing more to give (money wise).
No, just no.
Why can't you find yourself a man in Canada who is ALREADY taking care of himself financially instead of this gigolo?
Do you think these temper tantrums will stop once he gets to Canada? Are you kidding?
Lady, you know better. Right now you are so enamored with the IDEA of this man that you are ignoring ALL the red flags.
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A
female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (21 January 2018):
 His behaviour is very suspicious. Birthdays in Africa are the same deal they are here. So this demand for a huge sum of money is rubbish.
All his female friends, with whom he admits to having had sex with but claims they're all just friends. He could have picked up something nasty from any one of his many sexual partners.
He's greedy and promiscuous, and I absolutely believe he is using you.
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