A
female
age
41-50,
*ennpaper
writes:My question is as follows: My husband and I have been married for 12 years and have 3 children. Here in the last four months my H and I had a big falling out. To be honest it was not that big of a deal. During the fight he stated that he was done (with us). After this happened my H woke up one day and all the love and affection was gone from him. He says he loves me, he does little things that are kind, he will tell me that he loves me but when it comes to writing it down he will not. I have been on the whole arena of is he having an affair? how can someone just stop loving you?The intamcy is gone. He says that he has no desire for sex.He says that he is going through a mid life crisis and he is not sure how "things" will play out. He does hope that we can still be friends for the boys sake if anything does happen. As I have stated above he says he loves and he has said that he finds it offensive that I am questioning his love for me, but how do you go about not knowing how the person you have leaned on for the past 12 years feels.So the question is does it sound like my H has fallen out of love with me? He gives me mixed signals ALL the time. When is enough, enough. How to know when to say I gave it my all let's go our seperate ways.
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female
reader, pennpaper +, writes (31 December 2008):
pennpaper is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo he didn't have an affair, I said I was thinking that he may have had. There is a big difference in that statement. I know in my heart that he wouldn't but still it was still lingering in my mind in a little spot in the corner. Only because he has been acting so differently.
I may need to add a little more information so that all can understand the situation. H has been in a depressed state for a couple of months now. On top of the mid life crisis and medical issues he is facing. Things are not getting better they seem to be getting worse (in the health and depression state). H has stated on a few occssions that he feels like he is a failure in all areas.
Here is another question...can depression and mid life make a person feel something they don't but can not get out of the state of mind they are in. In otherwords can depression make a person feel like they are not in love but in reality are. Reason I am asking is because the man I fell in love with is in there somewhere. Every once in a while he will peek out and then disappear again.
I have come to the conclusion that H needs to go and be by himself for a while and figure out what he wants and needs in his life. If that does not include me so be it.
Thank you for responding and the information you have given very much appreciated.
A
female
reader, sarcy24  +, writes (30 December 2008):
 Hi there, My heart and feelings go out to you because I so understand the horror of uncertainty that you are going through at this moment in time. What you really need to remember is that this is not your fault, people do change.
2 years ago my husband told me that he was no longer in love with me and that he wasn't sure if he could stay with me even though we had a child and he evenually left. My whole world fell apart. I tried for over a year to win him back but he had absolutely no interest i nme and paid me lip service all the time. There was no physical intimacy and no interest in me as a person at all . He was cold and withdrawn. Now I had been married for 15 years and I wanted him so I tried everything to keep him. I demeaned myself, lost my self respect and all these things. I WISH I had had the intelligence that you are demonstrating here to even consider calling it quits and moving on. I should have done this. I knew he wasn't interested yet I didn't want to let go of my 15 years. In hindsight as soon as you hear the words of 'I am not happy, I am thinking of wanting out, I am not in love with you anymore' it is time to open the door for them and help them on their way.
My advice to you is to give your husband some space. Do not fuss around him, and do not grovel or beg him to stay if he wants to go. Be a confident woman who clearly can manage without leaning on him however much it hurts. My ex husband hated my neediness and desperation. If you can sense in your gut that he has mentally and physcally gone then set him free. It is not worth the heartache involved.
All the very best,
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2008): You've done well to have lasted twelve years in this society. Within your marriage three (beautiful) children have been created. This however, moves your relationship from a united couple to a united family. Extra pressures are faced with rearing the children, financing the home etc etc.
You said he has had an affair but you stayed together. It sounds like the relationship is most definitely at breaking point and needs a lot of work and quickly. You don’t say what you have done to try to make the relationship work and your question focuses on the hurts that you are feeling and looks at things from a negative angle.
Is there any positives?
Do you tell your husband that you love him and not just question his love for you?
Does he get his own time away from you and you him?
Do you do separate things?
Do you TALK?
Do you do things together?
Do you do things as a family?
What is your physical appearance like?
Do you take care of yourself, eating healthily exercising, getting your hair done ETC?
How have you changed since the start of your relationship?
Are you the same person you was 12 years ago?
You do not need to reply to these questions just think about them.
I say enough is enough when you have both exhausted everything! Which means tried to improve in areas. BOTH are WILLING to try to save the marriage. A marriage is based on two people so is a shared issue.
Why did you get married?
Was it for you or for God?
If you are Christian’s maybe you could get marriage guidance from the reverend or pastor who married you!
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