A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi I'm 23 amd my boyfriend is 46 we have been together for about 10months i'm now pregnaet with his 3rd child, he as a child from a previous relationship,which is 8, and another from another relationship and that baby is 18months, he hardy sees the second baby, his going through a bitter battle to see the child though the courts, which has been going on for a year, i think he left that person to be with me.He is now sayin his confused about the relationsship, and ive also over heard him say to one of his friends that he is still window shopping and his not happy with me, do you think he will leave me just like he did wih the other women and do you think he is following the same pattern as the other relationships, gets the women pregrant within a year and leaves.He tells me he loves me, and when i meet him in the begging his 2nd child was 3months old,he stayed with that lady for over a year and left within 3months of the baby life. When we met he told me he wants kids with me, and he would have them with me tommrow if he could, i don't want to be single baby mother number 3.Please help. Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, lilmuma4  +, writes (29 June 2008):
Hey I have totally been in your situation. I was i8 he was 40. I already had 2 little boys when I met him things were great and of course when I got pregnant he was gone the day after I told him. My advice to you is dont plan your future around him staying. If you dont want to be single mom of baby #3 then don't be. If you are confident that you can love this child regardless of if he is with you or not then congradultions you are going to be blessed with a beautiful child. My point is there is nothing you can do to make him stay. As hard as it is when you love someone you must realize that there is always a chance that you will end up single and yes maybe a single mother. As hard as being a single mom can be trust me it is worth it. Good luck, and if he is going to leave well then you deserve much much better anyways.
A
female
reader, Ask oldersister  + ♥, writes (23 June 2008):
 He never sees his kid yet tells you he wants the kids to be with you? How heroic of him. He may be going through a battle through the courts but think of how his own behavior put him there. This was the second woman he got pregnant and left! If he was a stand up guy, he wouldn't have left a succession of women in this kind of predicament. Sadly, a lot of these court battles have more to do with ego, power, and retaliation than the best interest of the child. I would say at age 46, this guy is set in his ways and unlike a guy your age, has a set pattern. In this case, past history is an accurate predictor of how he will behave in the future. I don't think you can cling to exceptions so I would start preparing yourself for what may come. At least you know and have an idea what you may be in for and not get caught off guard by it. One thing you have in your favor though is this guy is probably not going to want to have to pay child support for 3 kids so he may either be more willing to change his ways due to this fact or it could make him more controlling about the child if he meets someone else and tells her the same thing "I want my kids to be with us". I would be very careful and rational about this and maybe ask for some help from your family, get your support system built. Take care.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  + ♥, writes (23 June 2008):
 A basic piece of advice to anyone is to check how your partner behaves/has behaved to his/her ex'es.
Most of us are second hand goods and when buying second hand goods it is always wise to find out why the previous owner decided to get rid of it.
So why did these previous two relationships fail, why is there a bitter court case? Are there good reasons perhaps?
I don't get the feeling that this guy is the type to commit. Oh he might want to make your pregnant but when it comes to actually committing to those kids by staying with their mother...
That he is fighting for his kid means nothing. Many men see kids as a trophy, something they got to have without actually wanting them in the sense of father loving his childeren.
The gigantic age gap also raises concerns. DOUBLE your age, oh sure may-december relationships can work but when a young girl gets pregnant within a few months of being swepped of her feet by a guy with two ex'es with kids... well I am not seeing a romantic comedy as much as a movie of the week.
Find out the TRUE story about the previous two relationships ON YOUR OWN, don't take his word for it.
If that confirms what you suspect in your question, well then you got to decide. Being a single mom is trouble enough but having a husband who may leave at any point is going to be even worse. At least if you leave him before the baby is born you can be independent in raising the kid. If he leaves a few months after the birth, well do you want to be in a bitter court case as well, just like he is doing to that other woman?
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A
female
reader, sue b +, writes (23 June 2008):
The past is a terrible thing, it can quite often haunt relationships, he can't change his past and maybe he is a decent guy who has been unlucky in love. I would give him 10/10 for fighting through the courts for access to his youngest child, he sounds committed to being a father. You are looking for commitment from him now you are pregnant. Rightly so as having a child together is a very serious commitment and whether you stay together or not you will have contact with the childs father for the rest of your life. You need clarification as to why he is confused about the relationship and straight answers now. He should be more concerned with your emotional well being than his own right now! Hope you can work it out x
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A
female
reader, DiovanLestat + ♥, writes (23 June 2008):
 It dosen't look good, especially since he's been in this situation before and now he's indicated that he's not happy and is feeling confused. You need to talk to him and find out what are his intentions for you and the baby.
As Emilysanswers has suggested, you best prepare for the worse and make the decision whether or not you are willing to bring up this child if their father is not around. Don't delay as it may be to late if you decide to terminate the pregnancy.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers + ♥, writes (23 June 2008):
Well it's a bit late to offer contraceptive advice, but if you are only a little bit pregnant then you may want to consider options. If termination is not an option for you then what about adoption?
The fact he came straight off the rebound from another woman and then talked about having kids with you straight from the word go sends up huge red warning signs to me.
Its impossible to say whether he is following a pattern or not, he may just have been unlucky so far, he may be obsessed with having kids so he feels like a man, but not actually want the responsibility.
If I were in your position I would prepare for the worst outcome, but you hope for the best.
Talk to him and get him to give you a straight answer as to where you stand. Ask why he said that to his mate. Tell him that you do not want to be a single mother and will be thinking seriously about your own and the baby's future if he cannot commit.
Your local family planning clinic at the hospital will hold drop in sessions so you could go and talk about this to them and get some professional help and advice.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, theOC +, writes (23 June 2008):
From his track record, it looks as if he'll do the same. 10 months is an extremely short relationship to know someone and considering the age difference he seems to me like a sweet talker. For him to switch from saying he's confused about the relationship to telling you he loves you is a red flag in my opinion.
I wish all the best of luck to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2008): The warning signs were already there but you refused to see them. He's an over the hill play boy who people should pity (well I do!)
1. He's 46 and not in a serious relationship
2. He has two kids by two diffrent women
3. He don't see the kids from those relationships
You got involved with this loser, this guy will leave you and go on to the next woman. If I was you, I would dump him first and get the first strike.
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